That’s it I’m sending Juliet to live in a bomb shelter BECAUSE IF SHE STAYs UNDER THE FOWL ROOF FOR ONE MORE SECOND SHE WILL LOSE A LIMB OF SOME SORT.
So, Artemis, my genius billionaire teenage son - I mean principal - is traveling back in time with a fairy to rescue a lemur from himself. I quit. I’m done. I’m buying a condo in Hawaii.
Holly is literally 3 feet tall, a different species, and is in her mid eighties, she does not need to be looking at a 15-year-old boy like that.
*in Mexico, getting attacked by a demented wrestling audience* Only God can save that boy now.
As I look out over the sunset, I recall that Artemis has most likely made out with an 86-year-old woman. I take an aspirin and decide that I deserve a nap. And maybe a vacation forever.
Artemis failed. It was hilarious.
Today I called Artemis “Beautiful Cinnamon Bun” and he pelted a hardcover copy of Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” at my face.
Artemis doesn’t know, but I stuck a paper reading “Old Lady Lover” on his back this morning and he still hasn’t noticed. It’s midnight.
I am in a spaceship, in the middle of the ocean, heading toward Atlantis with a fairy and a centaur, currently watching as Artemis is attacked by a giant squid. I was not trained for a situation like this.
So the end of the world happened in a blur. I remember demon crickets, babies with machine guns, and my son - I mean - oh never mind, turning into a depressing bush. I have decided to retire.
Tfw you're an emotionally repressed genius teenage CEO who only has a good relationship with your younger brother out of all your relatives and you find out your jerk dad wants to use you to bring back your dead sibling you knew nothing of
I do have to wonder about the scientists Kaiba hired. Like, we expect Mokuba to be used to all the crazy that goes on, but these scientists have no idea. I’m sure Kaiba Corp. is prestigious and all but how did their first day on the job go?
Scientists: Hello, we’re the scientists you hired.
Kaiba: Yes, I’m the teenaged billionaire super-genius you’ll be working for.
Scientists: Great! Where do we start?
Kaiba: I need you to help me resurrect a 3,000 year-old Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
And at no point did they immediately resign with their hands up saying, “We’ve seen this movie before, we know how this ends.” and flee in fear of someday being eaten by scarabs.
How much do you have to be paid to risk being the red shirts in a horror movie?
I was exclusive with this boy until he cheated on me with multiple girls. We happen to be in the same college English class together, and a few weeks ago he wrote this essay about a dream he had where the love of his life stapled a sign that said “Cheater” onto his shirt (it was all fictional).
Well, guess what? The cheater had left his shirt over in my dorm room, so i did the only thing i could do- i returned it to him.
I pinned it onto his door so everyone could see it, and on the back of the paper i wrote :
As part of Marvel Entertainment’s Marvel NOW! relaunch this fall, the inventor of the Iron Man armor will find his place taken by Riri Williams — a teenage genius who built her own version of the Iron Man suit in a dorm room at MIT.”
Artemis rubbed his temples. ‘It’s this blasted puberty, Butler. Every time I see a pretty girl, I waste valuable mind space thinking about her. That girl at the restaurant for instance. I’ve glanced in her direction a dozen times in the past few minutes.’
Eoin Colfer, Artemis Fowl and the Lost Colony
Also known as Artemis Fowl being the cutest teenage genius on the planet.