teen soaps

My Own Theories of Riverdale (Real and Farfetched)

  • Hal & the Murder Board Evidence: Misdirection, mostly. I think, he believes that Alice (or Polly, but most likely Alice) may have something to do with Jason’s murder so he stole the evidence in order to a) see it for himself, b) think of ways to protect his family.
  • The Car Fire: I think this has more to do with the drugs than the actual murder of Jason. I think they were trying to get rid of drug evidence. The drugs may be a part of why Jason was murdered but I’m suspecting the fire itself was to burn the drug dealing evidence.
  • FP & The Letter Jacket: Assuming he stole the jacket from the car, it’s a weird thing to steal. UNLESS (and this is my farfetched theory but it’s also a teen soap so anything is possible), it has sentimental value. So I just want to put it out there that what if Mrs Blossom and FP had an affair and Jason and Cheryl are not actually Blossoms but actually Penelope and FP’s. (It would also tie into the episode synopsis that says things about FP’s past he never thought would come out are, or whatever it said.) Also, imagine Jughead and Cheryl discovering they are actually half-siblings. Imagine.
  • The Actual Murder of Jason Blossom: Is either going to come back to FakeGrundy and/or the far reaching hand of Hiram Lodge from jail. Remember the law of a gun introduced in the first act, must be fired. (Or, in this case, be relevant for more than a four episode gross arc of her sleeping with a minor.) 
a word on dark fuck archie

so i’ve had this theory brewing in my head for a while re: riverdale - a show i am not watching, btw. i’m trying to figure out why, in 2017, a teen soap opera on the cw which is inarguably going for the queer teen demographic like a heat-seeking missile is utterly failing to deliver anything resembling real representation.

like, if you can air betty and veronica kissing, surely you can portray one or both as openly gay or bi? if you can explicitly depict jughead as asexual in the comics - have him say the word, even - what’s stopping him from being asexual on the show? if you’re going to insist your show isn’t “fanfiction,” why pad your show wall-to-wall with queer UST and beg fans to write fic about it?

so i’ve been puzzling all of this out, right, and up until now i’d just dismissed the show as pretty flagrant textbook queerbait.

but then today i saw a post that was like, discussing a storyline in which ms. grindy fucks archie - like, yes, in this show, the matronly senior citizen english teacher is a thirty-something predator who goes after her teenage students? - and the OP of the post was like, “do NOT blame archie andrews for this, blame the writers.” blame the writers. which struck me as an odd choice of phrasing. because we’re three weeks into this show. and the writers have apparently done nothing but make batshit, morally objectionable decisions. and because nobody watching or talking about this show appears to actually enjoy it?

and then it hit me: riverdale isn’t queerbait. oh, no. no, no, no. this is something we’ve never seen before, at least not on this scale.

it’s discourse bait.

there is no reason to believe that every single element of riverdale was not concocted in a corporate laboratory to bait teenagers into arguing about it online. first, lure social justice-minded kids in: diverse casting - polynesian archie, latina veronica, an all-black josie and the pussycats! hint at queer representation - betty and veronica kissing, kevin keller existing, barb from stranger things making an appearance and maybe being a lesbian? 

so do all of that, promote the shit out of it, get your fanbase in order before the show’s even aired - and then blow it all to pieces from episode one. 

why bother writing a plot when you could write the basis for a million furious micdotcom thinkpieces? why bother writing representation when hinting at representation and then ripping it away generates so much more twitter traffic? no such thing as bad publicity, right? a kid hate-watching the show is still watching the show and running up the ratings. every person who blogs about how shitty this show is inevitably inspires a few more people to go witness the trainwreck firsthand.

it’s like. a breathtakingly clever trap. and thousands and thousands of well-meaning young people have walked right into it. this show literally exists for no other purpose than to generate controversy in an age where teenagers who watch the CW also read bell hooks and foucault. fucking wild.

New Captive Prince Tags

Laurent: small yellow kitten thinks of nothing but murder all day

Damen: overly muscled murder puppy king

Nikandros: mom friend not so secretly wondering if it’s time for new friends

Jord: hufflepuff friend continues to try to defend slytherin bff

Charls: dad at teen girl concert just happy to be included

Vannes: lesbian friend getting shit down and staying in her lane

Jokaste: local super villain just trying to get superhero to ask them out

Erasmus: tiny fluffy woodland creature

Lazar: local frat bro surprised that line actually worked

Nicaise: soap opera character on desert island until plot calls for their return

Pallas: sudden burst of confidence not sure the hell it came from either

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