team tin soldier

tony totally does have a superpower. its just that his superpower is not dying of caffeine overdose which only rarely comes in handy when fighting supervillians
King of Memes

Or, how Tony Found Out About Bucky’s Blog. 


Tony couldn’t seep. Sometimes he managed a few hours if he was tired enough, so usually he went to the gym and worked out until he was exhausted. Tonight, though, he found the gym already occupied: Barnes, with his hair tied up, working steadily at the heavy bag. Normally Tony would make an awkward comment and leave him to it, but instead he just heads for the opposite side of the gym. After setting up at one of the far treadmills, Tony worked his way to a easy run. Barnes was laying his fists rhythmically into the bag, and the quiet thumping was sort of strangely soothing. Between the running and the thumping, Tony slipped into a near-trancelike state.

 And then Barnes let out an ungodly howl, drew back his left fist, and slammed it straight through the heavy bag with a roar of, “DIE A THOUSAND BURNING DEATHS!”

Tony fell off the treadmill, scrambled to his feet, and booked it to the elevator.


kingofmemes posted:

holy shit you guys there was a spider on my punching bag !!! thanks to my many years of combat experience & martial arts training things are okay now

Posted at 4:47 AM, 37294 notes


Keep reading

anonymous asked:

So what are the most absurd stories you've told people about how you lost your arm?

i tell people all sorts of stuff, and you would not believe what people will fall for. i’ve found it’s best to give as little explanation as possible.  so in no particular order, here’s a few:

  • i used to juggle chainsaws 
  • i got hungry
  • i’m missing WHAT
  • i tried to high-five a moving bus
  • i’m an incredibly absent-minded person, i guess i just forgot it
  • that’s what you get for standing too close to the bread-slicing machine
  • i did the hokey-pokey too hard
  • i arm wrestled thor and lost
  • you would not believe how aggressive a hungry guinea pig can be
  • i made a deal with Tony Stark for coffee, and he does not take coffee deals lightly

so basically, i just say whatever pops into my head first.

silverbutterfly17  asked:

Tell us how Steve managed to cause a disaster on his bicycle, only hours after he was banned from using motorized vehicles.

you must know steve pretty well, because that is exactly what happened.

the morning after throwing yet another motorcycle at a supervillian, steve woke up early and decided to go out and get bagels. not at all unusual, except that his favorite bagel place is in brooklyn. so naturally steve decided to just bike there.

tony keeps a dozen or so bikes in the vehicle garage, and pretty much every one of them is weirder than the one before. one is a concept made by ferrari; another one is made from bamboo and was a gift from an MIT student whose research he funded. one appears to have some sort of rocket engine attached. with selections like that, you can see why steve chose the oldest, plainest bike in the group.

what steve did not know was that this was the Deathbike.

see, when tony was 14 and starting at MIT, he wasnt licensed to drive and needed a way to get around campus quickly. so, like many other college students, he got a bike. a very nice, high-end bike, of course, but otherwise perfectly innocuous. (it was a bit too big for him. he insists it wasnt, and that he’s not short.)

tony rode it home and painted it black.

within the first month of owning the Deathbike, tony ran into two people, was run into three times by other cyclists, and just barely missed being hit by a car. tony refused to admit that either 1. the bike was cursed or 2. he was just a terrible cyclist, and instead painted a tiny white skull on the side of the bike for every collision, and rode it for the rest of his time at MIT. somehow, he survived, and no one was seriously injured. (he admits that there may have been a few broken bones. but he paid the medical bills, so it was fine.)

by the time steve took the bike out, there were twenty-seven little skulls.

steve knew none of this, and headed out on the sidewalks aboard the Deathbike. he made it a block or two on thankfully empty sidewalks before tony’s modifications kicked in.

little 14-year-old madman stark, drunk on alcohol and puberty, decided that his two-wheeled killing machine didnt go fast enough. so, using the genius and lack of foresight the stark bloodline had given him, he made some changes. and now the Deathbike has a little electric engine that kicks in after a certain speed, which basically increases how fast the bike goes per pedal. tony says the fastest he was ever clocked on it was about forty mph–but insists he could have made it faster, except he didnt want to make it too bulky.

steve was doing fifty miles an hour by the time he was six blocks from the tower.

since steve is himself, instead of maybe slowing down when he realized how fast he was going, he decided to see how fast he could get. and it turns out that a supersoldier on a bike built by teenage tony stark can go plenty damn fast.

a traffic cam on the brooklyn bridge clocked him at nearly 115 mph.

but dont forget–this is the Deathbike. it earned its name, and would fulfill its mildly inconvenient legacy regardless of who was riding it. 

also, its tires were never built for that kind of stress. 

steve turned around the corner of the block where the bagel shop is going some eighty-odd mph (having slowed down to turn), and hit a heap of cardboard. if he’d been going slower, or if the wheels had been in better shape, he might have been able to brake in time. as it was, he was still going pretty fast when he hit it. and since the universe loves to laugh at steve, the pile of cardboard was shaped pretty much like a ramp.

steve and the Deathbike went airborne.

somehow, the early morning commuters failed to notice captain america hurtling through the sky on the worlds most sadistic pedal-powered monster, so when he landed in the bed of an old metal pickup, nobody checked on him when he didn’t pop right back out. instead, the Deathbike, steve, and steve’s shiny new concussion remained right where they were, in blissful unconsciousness.

when steve finally woke up, he was somewhere in southern virginia, and there was a very confused pickup truck driver wondering how the heck he’d wound up with a giant man and a bike in his truck.

we would have made steve bike back, but we didnt want to tempt fate. instead we sent a quinjet.

the Deathbike was unscathed.

steve is not allowed to use bicycles any more. 

anonymous asked:

Opinion on Parker?

the bitsy spider is like… a mildly terrifying combo of steve and tony. he has all of steve’s moral uprightness and willingness to do what he believes is right, regardless of consequences, and all of tony’s i-will-do-science-and-thereby-solve-my-problems method of dealing with life. he’s good people though, despite an unfortunate tendency to eat pizza while sitting on the ceiling and drip hot cheese into my hair. not cool, peterbird.

what makes him kinda terrifying is that he physically looks like steve did pre-superjuice, plus a few inches and a few pounds, but he’s crazy strong. the only avengers who can beat him in sheer strength are hulk and thor. and neither of them really have a calculable upper limit on their strength, so.

but being able to kick both stevie and i across the room doesnt stop him from looking like he needs to be bundled in blankets and tucked in a corner where nobody can bully him. lemmie tell you, it plays merry hell on my nerves when somebody throws a bus at him and he catches it and throws it back

pictured here: nat, collecting blackmail; bruce, wishing he had cooler friends; clint, trying to do bunny ears behind tony’s hat, thor, engaging in a ‘delightful midgardian tradition;’ tony, preparing to bestow the Cone of Shame, and steve, still a pain in the neck even after all these decades.

plus me, making birthday wishes that cant be repeated in front of g-rated audiences, due to excessive swearing. 

anonymous asked:

Do all your weapons have names?

nah, i go through weapons too quickly for that. i do have some favorites though, that have been with me for a while, which have picked up nicknames. there’s a real nasty grenade launcher that i frequently use to make holes in buildings that clint insists on calling my ‘lockpick’ as if i dont know how to break in like a normal assassin. i know how to pick a lock clint. exploding stuff is just more fun.

 i have a set of sweet little throwing knives that natasha usually calls the manicure kit. i would object to that more if they didnt come in handy so often on nail painting night. 

i have a regular claw hammer which has seen combat and is officially named the ‘Hammer Of Barnes.” thor blessed it for me. i dont know if that makes it more effective in a fight but it is pretty cool. 

i have a big trench knife that has been called ‘mantra’ after that one time when Dr banner was about to hulk out in a hospital ward because it was being attacked by hydra agents. clint was trying (poorly) to keep him calm, and was yelling ‘do your breathing exercises!! use your mantras!!’ at which point Dr banner grabbed my knife and stabbed a hydra guy. he did not hulk out. we were very proud of him.

i once told tony that my fists were named ‘business’ and ‘pleasure’ but i was just messing with him. his face was pretty priceless. 

but my favorite named weapon has always been my throwing steve. by which i mean the captain america that i sometimes physically hurl at my enemies. it may not be the most dignified way to get steve into a fight but it sure is effective

tony lost a bet & now he has to go ahead of me into every room and announce that ‘winter is coming’ before i enter

anonymous asked:

buck if the avengers were animals what animals would they be???? thank you

i assume you mean based on personality, and not which avengers have been turned into which animals lately.
what has happened to my life that that is even a question i have to ask??

anyway, steve would be a dog. everyone is right on the money on that one; hed be big, fluffy, loyal as hell, appetite the size of rhode island and love to play fetch. and also have the bite power to sever a mans hand if he was so inclined. you would trust him with a baby but also to eat the face off anyone who threatened that baby. well. maybe not EAT. he does have SOME standards. theoretically.

tony would be a raven. reputation associated with death, but personality of a class clown–likes pranks, messing with people, and trying new stuff. dedicated to family and intelligent as hell. chatty. tool user. did you know ravens can people-talk? if they couldnt, im sure tony would figure out how anyways.

nat would be a swan. beautiful, graceful, but at the top of the do-not-fuck-with list in most animals books. mates for life and more loyal than you would think, with a take no shit and no prisoners attitude. i have a healthy terror of swans, as does any sane human being.

clint would also be a dog, but not like steve. hed be one of those scrappy little terrier mutts that descend from a working breed that are supposed to do things like kill rats. just as loyal and smart and fun-loving as the big guys, but makes up for lack of size with pure tenacity. and so scruffy its cute.

bruce would be an elephant. smart and social, with strong emotional bonds, generally calm and compassionate, but never something you want to be standing in front of when it gets pissed. also really enjoys peanuts?

thor would be a lion. content to chill out most of the time, and more social than most cats, but also totally down to throw down on a moment’s notice. pretty smart but not somebody you ever wanna cross. majestic as anything. 

i would be a bear. likes a lot of food in large quantities, and i would love to sit in a river and let dinner fling itself into my mouth. asleep like half of the time. big and badass but generally pretty chill, and smarter than you might think. also a faster runner than you might expect (that’s not really about me, bears can just run at like 35 mph which is a thought to keep you up at night.) and if theres one thing everyone knows about bears, it is that you do not mess with what they are protecting.
also they are opposed to forest fires?? not sure what that has to do with anything, but i guess i can get behind it

tony. there are easier ways to be three inches taller that don’t involve rocket boots

anonymous asked:

So I don't know if this has been asked before, and I'm also too lazy to look, but what was your reaction to finding out all the dumb shit Steve has done? Like jumping out of planes w/out a parachute, stuff like that.

which time? the first time, when i left him unattended for a few months and he promptly volunteered to be howard stark’s own personal build-a-bear, or the second time, when i unwisely hurtled to my demise, leaving steve to immediately careen into the nearest iceberg? or all the times after, when i was off murdering people and taking chill naps and he was prancing around in spangly pants, kicking aliens in the face and making friends with the only people on the face of the planet who are stupid enough to enable his bad decisions?

look, the first time? when steve pried me off a slab in a nazi prison camp? i legitimately believed i was dreaming. steve was suddenly a six foot tall beefcake, some nazi skeleton pulled off his own face, i jumped over a giant explosion pit and didn’t die and all my prison buddies were running around with blue laser guns and a tank. this is prime dream material; i DID NOT think any of it was real. it didn’t sink in that this was reality until we’d been walking back towards base for at least six hours. and then. 

well. i got realllllly mad at steve.

it was a long walk back. i think i actually lost my voice twice. 

anyways, i learned my lesson after that, and never left steve to do anything by himself if i could help it. 

by the time i had my whole brain back in this century, i’d done a fair bit of stupid stuff myself, and couldn’t properly yell at steve without return fire. 

so instead i brought in the big gun. 

if you bribe her with the right pair of shoes, Pepper Potts will give a national hero of your choosing a very moving ‘i thought you knew better than to jump out of planes, we all believed in you and we’re so disappointed’ speech.  it’s very effective. i figured, if she could keep tony from accidentally getting himself killed while rocketing around in a stainless steel onesie, she can talk steve into occasionally actually using a parachute. 

it worked. 

for about a week.

but hey, that’s still progress!

anonymous asked:

does tony think of peter as a son?

probably not consciously. he treats him kind of like a son sometimes, but that’s not very unusual for tony. tony has to be watched closely or he adopts stray genius children everywhere he goes.

 mostly it’s pretty long distance–he emails and videocalls them, sets up scholarships, funds research, talks them through school problems, introduces them to employers… i know for a fact that at least half of the starkphone beta testers are sleep-deprived students across the country who tony has run into at some convention or facility tour and decided to keep. some of them come to work at Stark Industries eventually, but a fair number go into other fields.

he has a strange ability to pinpoint exactly which kid in any given cluster is an untapped well of talent looking for mentoring. we have a number of bets running on if he’s doing it consciously or not. 

either way, he does it a lot.

he’s not very cuddly or touchy-feely with them, and he gets hilariously defensive if you poke him about it, but he’s actually a really good mentor, and he does really care. i mean, sometimes he uses the ‘do the exact opposite of what i would do’ method of role modelling, but…

arm wrestled dum-e today. does it count as arm wrestling when his whole body is an arm? or is it just wrestling then

steve drew me, and then tony added dum-e to the sketch. nice to see them getting along.

this is just before the table snapped under us. that red stuff is blood from the nosebleed i got, and that white is when dum-e decided that spraying me down with the fire extinguisher would help with the nosebleed

it did not.

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