team shit

I go to a very large dnd session that is split up into about 4 groups-

One little kid in the group next to us, suddenly yelling: THIS IS NO PLACE FOR DRAGONS!! NO DRAGONS HERE!! KILL THEM ALL!!!! KILL THEM!!

Me: oh no

Our DM: [looking at all 7 of our dragon eggs that we stole & are carting around so we could have baby dragons] this could be problematic

It’s almost poetic the way Junkrats on opposite teams end up viciously targeting each other. When things get super intense and they’re both in each other’s face, they normally end up killing one another at the same time. And if not at the same time, the payback is fucking brutal.
It’s beautiful.

A Khajiit, Elf, Pixie, and Half-Orc fail to walk into a church

Context: Our 3 characters have been set on a mission to enter a church and steal the relic inside it. However…

DM: You cannot enter the church.

Nameless (our elf): We talk to the priest inside.

DM: Alright. What do you want to talk to him about.

Nameless: About why we can’t get in.

DM: “This church is protected by wards. Only people with pure hearts and no bad intentions towards the church can enter.” The priest says.

Nameless: Ok. I exit the conversation.

Trump-Tinyhands (the half-orc): So, we need a pure heart, right?

M'riqa: Holy skooma the half-orc half-understands what we need to do!

Trump-Tinyhands: Therefore I think that we should find someone with a pure heart, take their heart, and use the pure juice from it to make us seem pure to the ward!

Nameless: The guards already want us for trying to blow up this fucking church we can not risk this shit.

Ricky (pixie): Well if we get caught we’re getting sent right back to prison for life so I don’t see why we shouldn’t.

M'riqa: Fuck this plan. Ricky, take Trump-Tinyhands to the bar and keep him supervised. Nameless, give me a fucking boost up. I’m going to climb the church and enter through the chimney.

DM: Roll a dext- Actually no. Hand me that Jenga set

M'riqa OOC: Wait, what??

DM: If you can move 15 pieces then your character successfully climbs the church. If you can’t, you fall.

M'riqa OOC: Khajiit does not land butter-side down.

DM: Well then. All the more reason to not fail then!

Trump-Tinyhands: I offer encouragement.

DM: Roll charisma.

Trump-Tinyhands: *rolls a 2*

DM: You try shouting “YOU CAN DO IT!!” At M'riqa, but your booming voice sends tremors through the ground.

DM: *starts shaking the table while M'riqa is trying to do the Jenga challenge*

M'riqa OOC: THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!

DM: Blame the half-orc, not me. I’m just doing my job.

Seijou Players as Things That Have Been Said in my Workplace

Oikawa: Look, I’m not gonna say it was aliens. Because that should go without saying. I’m just gonna say, maybe use the side door for awhile.

Iwaizumi: Is there anyone here who DIDN’T google how to do their job??

Hanamaki: (Talking to a tray of burnt cookies) How dare you. How dare all of you. What kind of disrespect-

Matsukawa: Actually I was hired for my impeccable jazz hands, the memes were just a bonus.

Yahaba: Hey, I’m super ahead of schedule, so I’m just gonna go have an existential crisis real quick. I’ll be back in like thirty minutes.

Kyoutani: I took this job because I wanted to avoid people. Leave me alone with my bread.

Watari: Can you get that bag of flour down for me? I’d do it myself but it’s literally bigger than me. And above me. I don’t want to go to the hospital before lunch.

Kindaichi: I like to think I have realistic goals. I want to suck less. I don’t have to not suck at all. Just… less.

Kunimi: (Hand bleeding profusely) Goddammit it is too early for this. I’m getting coffee and a bandage IN THAT ORDER.

Mark Me Down as Scared and Horny

Context: My character has a powerful necklace that they keep hidden under their shirt and several scarves. I’d tell you what it does, but my party members might read this. It was warm and muggy one day and everyone began shedding their outer layers (except for the orc brawler, who is only ever wearing pants). I take off two of my three scarves, but leave the last.

Dwarf (NPC): This might seem like a weird question, but… Why are you always wearing those scarves?

Me: I just like scarves.

Me: *total bluff check = 23*

Dwarf: That’s alright. I just don’t want you to overheat.

Orc: Yeah. You’re going to roast.

Me: Perhaps.

Orc: You’re okay with that? Is your scarf obsession really worth it?

Me: I’m sentimental.

Orc: Seriously, what the fuck.

Elf: Just leave him alone! He’s a sensitive young man!

Orc (heavy sarcasm): Well, excuse me if I don’t shed a tear.

Elf: Besides, even if it is something, we’re all allowed to have secrets.

Me (ooc): He gives you a thankful smile.

DM: Which begs the question: What is he hiding from you?

Orc (whispering to the Elf): I just don’t trust him! There’s something sketchy about him.

*everyone succeeds their perception of that exchange but me*

Me (accidentally interrupting): Look. You have every right to travel in the nude, but some of us value our modesty.

Orc (ooc): I want to roll to intimidate.

DM: The massive half orc takes a step towards you and glares down.

Elf (ooc): With his muscular bare chest. Naked by your standards. Nipples fully erect.

*everyone at the table loses it*

Me (ooc): You know what? I’m not even going to roll. I’m intimidated.

DM: He almost makes you question your sexuality.

Sis (ooc): ROLL TO SEDUCE.

Me (ooc): LENA, NO.

Orc: *actually fucking rolls = 15*

DM: You’re not sure if you’re scared or aroused.

Like 3 people in unison: Both.

There was a request for a solo larger version of this so… here you go.

So I’m typically a player however I’m an aspiring author and decided to give GMing a chance. It should be noted that my players are incredibly experienced players who I have played with for 2+ years. I start them in a small tavern and everything progresses quite well and they are on their way to fight a lich (their characters are all 18+ at this point and I nerfed the lich just a bit). A few critical fails on their parts and critical hits on the liches part later and they are at an almost total party wipe leaving only the bard and the fighter left standing out of five people. And this proceeds to happen…

Female bard: can i seduce him

DM(me deciding to humor her): You can certainly try

Female bard: hey (picking up one of the various bones littering the floor) if you stop trying to kill us I have something you can “bone”

DM (face palming): sure make your role

Female bard: *Nat 20*

DM: The lich is so moved by your pick up line he decided to marry you instead of killing you

Fighter: can I be the maid of honor?

hi can I get a fuckin uhhhhhhh

badass, accomplished, intelligent leader Lance who is strong in his own right and doesn’t need to be coddled and doesn’t take shit from others AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HIM AND RESPECT HIM

For the Hundredth Time...

We are in a dank cave with water flowing from somewhere. Our Cleric is fighting the last enemy.
Dwarf Cleric: I throw my shield, Captain America style.
Me GM: Ok.
(rolls nat 1)
Me: You throw your shield into the river.
Dwarf: What river?
Me: That one. (Points to map)
Dwarf: Shit.

Later…
He bought another shield.
First enemies.
Dwarf: I throw my shield at a random guy.
Me: Anyone?
Dwarf: Yeah.
Me: (Rolls to determine target.)(Target is himself. Rolls nat 20. To shake things up, I roll on the something happens table. “An old enemy returns…” is what I got.
Me: Holy shit. So…you throw your shield, it curves round, and conks you on the skull. (Rolls max damage possible)
Dwarf: At least I still have my shield.
Me: A river comes crashing down the mountain, and sweeps away your shield. As it fades away, you can see your other shield in the river.
Dwarf: I fight the river.
Me: (rolls nat 1)
Me: The river forms a water elemental, and the water elemental takes both of your shields…
Me: (rolls two nat 20s)
Me: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! THIS ELEMENTAL SLAPS YOU AROUND WITH BOTH OF YOUR SHIELDS UNTIL YOU ARE UNCONSCIOUS, AND THEN LEAVES.
Bard: I loot him