team shit

Bedtime

The party had just cleared some orcs and zombies, and went back to the tavern to collect our reward money from a man called Darren.

Tabaxi: “Bedtime! Wheee!!” *Moves all the players’ pieces to the bedroom on the map*

DM: So Veshrra drags you all off to bed. Qiro, roll perception.

Me: *makes the roll*

DM: You see Darren leaving.

Me: I try to drag myself away to catch him before he goes. *Rolls 13*

Tabaxi: *Rolls nat 20*

DM: Veshrra, the 4ft Tabaxi, picks up you, the 8ft 280lb Firbolg, and carts you all off to bed, tucking you all in, and jumps on top of you, puts a knife to your throat, and whispers “bedtime….”

Here I would like to present further evidence that doors are DnD groups worse enemy. I am part of a very large DnD group of nine people and we were heading to a tower to face down an evil oracle/former concubine who had stolen the queen’s baby except when we arrived at said tower the door was closed.

Bard: I look at the door

DM: Role perception 

Bard: 7

DM: The door is closed

Fighter : I kick it down!

Barbarian: yeh lets break it down!

Bard: Rogue go pick the lock

Rogue goes to try and open it with lock picks

Cleric: lets blast it open with magic!

Warlock: Brilliant I want to use shatter to try and break it.

DM: Have any of you tried knocking?

Whole group: ummmmmmm no?

Bard knocks at door and door immediately swings open causing rogue to fall flat on his face as he is still trying to open the lock.

Don't sass the Angel of Death

The characters in this are Azrael the Angel of Death (played by Y) and Dareios who is possessed by a snake demon/deity that calls itself Leviathan (played by me). Dareios is immortal thanks to Leviathan, and Azrael doesn’t like immortal humans, so Y and I are trying to figure out how they would interact.

Y: Okay but Azrael’s blades usually conceal themselves as scissors imagine a typical teenager in a hoodie (Azrael’s human appearance) threathening Dareios with scissors. I wouldn’t be sure whether to laugh or call the cops.

Me: “Well as long as they don’t run with them” - Dareios

Y: I think that’s gonna be the least of your concerns somehow buddy

Y: Honestly tho I know for fact that the first thing Azrael says to Dareios is “the fuck are you”.

Y: (I have this idea that Azrael is the only angel who swears)

(here’s where we switched to actually being IC or OOC)

Dareios: “I could ask you the same question, but I already know the answer: rude.”

Y: OH SNAP

Me: I love it when Dareios goes all sassy.

Azrael: “Politeness gets you nowhere, certainly not when facing death.”

Y: But seriously Azrael looks like a moody teenager so I doubt that would be taken seriously

Dareios: “Assuming I will answer your question…”

Dareios/Leviathan (talking at the same time): “…Which of us did you ask?”

Azrael: “Cursed be the English language. The ‘you’ was plural.”

Y: ‘Cursed be the English language’? Who says that???

Me: Azrael, clearly

Dareios: “That is a very old-fashioned phrase for a kid like you”

Azrael: “Now who’s the rude one. Show your elders some respect.”

Leviathan: “Excuse you!?” (pretending to be insulted)

Azrael: (snickers) “You clearly haven’t seen me before. Understandable, since you’re immortal, you don’t know what Death looks like.”

Dareios: “I know what Death looks like, but it never holds me long enough for me to register its true appearance.”

Azrael: “Well now you do. And now I have to correct the natural order.” (takes out scissors)

Dareios: “Going to cut my thread of life, or whatever it’s called?”

Azrael: “Oh no. I take offense to immortal humans, I’m going to get up close and personal with this.” (separates the blades of the scissors and turns them into a dagger and a sword)

Dareios: “Well, you definitely shouldn’t run with those.” (makes magic sword appear out of thin air)

Azrael: “I’ve been doing this since the dawn of life. You should be worried about yourself.”

Y: Dawn of life, is that even a thing??

Me: I guess it is

Dareios: "I’d like to see you try. Maybe I will stay dead this time. I doubt it, though.“

Azrael: (suddenly holding the dagger to Dareios’ throat) “Don’t patronize me, WORM.”

Leviathan: “I take offense to that.”

Azrael: (steps back) “And I take offense to you. We’re even now, huh?”

Leviathan: “Guess so.”

Y: Okay but (her other two characters) standing on the sideline watching these two duke it out

Leviathan: “Question. Can an Angel of Death die?”

Azrael: “Are you an idiot? Of course I can’t. If I died, no one else would. The natural order would be a mess.”

Leviathan: “Another question. Do you think you’d be able to kill a god?”

Azrael: “I’ve done it before. The real question is; is it your time to go? I know the human passed his long ago. That must be corrected.”

Leviathan: “My dear host will not pass his time until I allow him to.”

Azrael: “Unfortunately for you, you’re not in charge of either fate or destiny. All I have to do is wrench control from you for just a second. Then he’s gone.”

Leviathan: “Gone for how long?”

Azrael: “Forever. He’ll be dead.”

Leviathan: “Will he? He has died thousands of times before, and I brought him back every time.”

Azrael: “This time is different. You haven’t dealt with me in person before. When I close the gates, they won’t open for anyone.”

Leviathan: “I’d like to see that happening.”

Azrael: “I told you, didn’t I? You’re not the one in charge. I am.” (reveals wings)

Leviathan: “Oh, really? Who is stronger, an Angel or a God? Time to find out~”

Azrael: “Such arrogance. I was here before you, and I will be here after you. Those words, I’ve heard them before. Yet I am here, and they are not.”

Leviathan: “Were you here before me? Well, I suppose you were in this exact location before I was, but that’s not the point.”

Me: Leviathan no. Stop sassing the angel of death.

Azrael: “The moment life was invented, I was there, ready to claim it. Such is the natural law of things.”

Leviathan: “Would that make you the first or the second creature alive?”

Azrael: “Second after God. I was a force of nature at first. Then I chose to serve Him.”

Leviathan: “That makes sense. Now, I guess we have talked enough…”

Azrael: “You are a fine conversation partner, I must say. Not many people ask me things other than 'why me?’.”

Leviathan: “I know the answer to that already, so I don’t need to ask. Now, are you going to kill me or not?”

Azrael: “Yes.” (runs him through with the sword)

Me: Well that escalated quickly.

anonymous asked:

Any valentines headcanons for Victor and Yuuri? Like how they spend it together or if some fan sent anything crazy in the past (Yuuri sending Victor things every year but being too embarrassed to write his name as the sender??)

“Wait, someone actually sent you their used panties?” Yuuri has no idea what kind of a face he’s making, but he hopes it does the sheer disgust he’s feeling justice, because what is wrong with people?

Victor laughs. “On more than one occasion. Most of the time Yakov just sent them to the incinerator.” 

“’Most of the time’?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered,” Victor says, horrifyingly, then brightens. “I didn’t get to keep any of the chocolates people gave me—for safety reasons, you know—but the plushies were mine to do whatever with. I usually gave them away to sick kids.”

He remembers. It was SKATING’s December 2003 issue cover story. Victor had been in a white doctor’s jacket smiling wide while the two children he had tucked under each arm flashed peace signs. Stuffed animals were strewn across the floor around them like fallen soldiers. He’d taped it into his cubby at Ice Palace until Takeshi joked that they should beat Yuuri up so Victor would come visit him in the hospital. Yuuri seriously considered it. 

“I can’t believe you kept some of this stuff,” Yuuri marvels, holding up an actual wedding invitation. You are cordially invited to the marriage of Victor Nikiforov and Joanne Spiers…

Yuuri gently places it back into the box. Well, chucks it back in, more like.

“Oh! Let me show you my favorite one!” Victor nudges him out of the way to rummage around, eventually coming up with a little blue envelope with a sticker that’s faded with time and oddly shaped. Yuuri squints at it, trying to place it, when it hits him. He goes very, very still.

“I think I was… maybe 16 when I got this one? It was the sweetest letter I’d ever received.” Victor sighs wistfully and cradles the envelope to his chest as though it were precious, spun glass and lace, before handing it over.

If Yuuri’s hands shake a little as he undoes the katsudon sticker on the backflap and slides the piece of notebook paper out, Victor doesn’t comment on it. Instead, he notches his chin onto Yuuri’s shoulder to read it along with him.

It’s a little yellow, but the faded images of sakura still comes through behind shaky, painstaking Cyrillic penned to fill the page.  

Dear Victor,

You are the greatest skater in the whole wide world. I am a skater too but I am only 12 years old and I am still learning. I did a triple axel for the first time yesterday! I hope you are proud. Someday I would like to hold your hand and skate with you. We could do a triple axel together. Please wait for me. 

Happy Valentine’s Day!

“I wanted to write back, but they didn’t leave a name or a return address,” Victor says softly, reaching around Yuuri to brush reverent fingers over the page. “Even with the terrible translation, it was the most genuine expression of love I’d ever seen at that time. I brought that letter with me everywhere I went, hoping I might catch a glimpse of that kid in the crowd, or even on the ice. Whoever it was, I hope they continued to skate. I really would’ve liked to have skated with them.”

The boxy letters swim and blur, spreading out until they’re vague blobs, and when Yuuri blinks to clear it, the page is wet. “It wasn’t terrible.”

“Hmm?”

Turning in Victor’s arms, Yuuri beams up at him through his tears. “The translation. It wasn’t terrible. Vasiliev-sensei at Ice Palace wrote it out for me and I spent hours practice-copying it to make sure it was perfect.”

He can see the moment realization dawns, because Victor’s furrowed brow ripples and smoothes out, jaw dropping almost into Yuuri’s lap. “You—”

The world tilts dangerously and skews when he’s tackled onto his back, and Yuuri laughs up at the ceiling as Victor presses frantic kisses to his mouth, his neck, the swells of his cheeks and the sides of his nose. He shakes with a giddy sort of joy, drowning under a wave of relief nearly fifteen years in the making, and reaches up to palm Victor’s face—a little older, a little more mature, but still the greatest skater in the whole wide world who was everything to a little boy once. Even more now as a man. 

“Thank you for waiting for me,” Yuuri murmurs, then leans up and meets Victor halfway.

mercuryblacksleg  asked:

Does Caboose catch Sarge eventually? Does he hug Lopez?

you think ur tough? u think ur hot stuff???? ???  i hear captain caboose caught the entire red army 

I’ve been running a Pathfinder game for my dad, my 17 year old sister and her friend. I had them write backstories during character creation and tell me what they are.

Dad: “I play a Dwarf Paladin who was captain of the guard and exiled from his kingdom and can’t return to root out corruption because his family is being held hostage”

Sister: “I’m a female halfing rouge named Rufus who hates when people make fun of my name and I’m searching for my missing kidney”

Friend: “I’m a gnome sorcerer and I am friends with Rufus and have three kidneys because I took hers and forgot because I have bad memory”

hi can I get a fuckin uhhhhhhh

badass, accomplished, intelligent leader Lance who is strong in his own right and doesn’t need to be coddled and doesn’t take shit from others AND PEOPLE ACTUALLY LISTEN TO HIM AND RESPECT HIM