There is a boy in my head
who writes me love songs
and tells me I am
I do not know his
Maybe one day
he will present himself to me
and become something more substantial
than just a dream,
just a fantasy
of a little girl in love
with the concept
Maybe one day
he will drown in me
and not be afraid,
not be overwhelmed
by my romantic intensity
like all the boys before him.
Maybe he will
submerge himself in me,
accept my poetry
like it is the greatest gift
he has ever been given,
clutch my confessions
to his chest
like they belong there.
I am waiting
for a holy requited love.
I do not have to hide.
I can glorify without shame
I believe this day will come.
And when it does,
I will spill out the sea
I’ve kept churning in my lungs
and he will drown in me,
and I will teach him
how to breathe
*He’d be so smiley. Watching you cutely nibbling on chocolate, it can’t get any cuter. When you were halfway through with the bar, you looked at up with big eyes and smiled. That made him go shy and cover his face.*
“There is no way your this old but still look adorable.”
*Somehow found a way to make it into a contest.*
“She thinks she’s cute, chewing on that chocolate bar and looking cute? Well guess what…I’m cuter…I’m waayy cuter..”
*Cutest human ever. He’d be smiling and watching you eat, sometimes asking you to break him a piece.*
“Teach me how to eat cutely like you.”
*Takes a deep breath to calm himself. Doesn’t know if he’s turned on or if he fell in love with you more. I mean, you look cute but so alluring at the same time. HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!*
“So like…do you have to eat it that slow?…Can I have a piece??”
*Find it cute for 2.5 seconds before he decided to turn it into a game.*
“I will give you a two second head start before that bar of chocolate is mine.”
*He thinks he can see right through you. Getting the wrong intentions and eventually embarrassing himself.*
“Look at her…she knows exactly what she’s doing. Eating slowly and trying to seduce me…well it’s not going to work…And you know what…two can play that game. I’ll eat slowly and seduce her too….I’m so smart. 10 points to Chanyeol.”
*Stares at you with the move love he could ever give to anybody. You looked extremely adorable and he couldn’t help but blush and smile like a fool.*
“Hey, hey sweetheart! Darling, cutie pie!..look over here.”
*It’s been so long since he’d had chocolate. Watching you made him hungry and a bit, just a bit, frisky ;)*
“Hey babe…you want to share that? No, don’t give me a piece…You know exactly I want it, so come over here and let me have a taste.”
*Offended. Not only did you not choose to share, you also took the last bar. In his heart, you looked hella cute but in his mind, you were provoking him.*
“You know, you look adorable and everything but, if you keep on eating that, I will make you go buy me a new bar.”
Guys, I need more reaction requests. Lol, this one is the last one in my inbox.
He teaches me how to breathe in love and exhale his name on the edge of every word. He is merciful in his cruelty, like the harsh pitter patter of raindrops that engulf you in the storm. He makes me want to spread wings and fly. If I believed in God, God would be him.
music make me
hold me with your melody
dance me with your rhythm
you are center of my universe
my joy, my exuberance
you are the reason why
music…you move me
your artistry exalts your beauty
you move me…you move me
I need you music now, more than ever
you teach me how to be kinder
how to live and breathe
in the arms of harmony
music, thank you, music
Pairing: Bucky & Reader
Warnings: Rated M.
A/N: so I have been working on this forever. Big thanks to travel bug for her endless advice on this story.
“Anyway, have a great night!” Tony called from the little stage he built himself for occasions just like this one. From her spot on the stairs Y/N rolled her eyes as she took a swig of tequila from the bottle in her hands. She hated these little parties. Tony swore they would be small, but everyone knew that was a lie. There were almost two hundred people at this one. It was just way too many for her taste. She always struggled to convince herself to come to these. The only argument that still worked was the fact that there was free food and booze.
“You don’t look too happy,” a voice spoke as it sat next to her. She looked to see Sam there and just grinned she offered him the bottle in her hands.
“I’m a lot happier now.” She said and he just shook his head at her words. He took a swig from the bottle, groaning as it burnt his throat. He handed it back to her and she took another large gulp. Tonight was about numbing the empty feelings she had. She welcomed the burn because at least it was something.
“I have that effect on people,” she snorted at his words. Sam was one of the very few people who could cheer her up, no matter how bad the mood was. She valued their friendship for that, and many other reasons. Sam Wilson was a good man, no one could ever deny that. She wouldn’t let them. She would easily silence anyone who ever argued against that.
“How is he?” She asked finally and she heard him sigh. She hated the idea of putting this all on Sam. He was suddenly the man stuck in the middle. It wasn’t fair and she knew it.
“Y/N,” he started and she nodded as she took a swig from the bottle.
“Yeah,” she mumbled as she took yet another swig.
“Drowning his memory?” Sam questioned and she just shrugged her shoulders. There was something rotten inside of her she wanted to drown. It wasn’t his memory, but drowning that would probably help.
“I don’t know anymore,” she admitted and she heard him swear under his breath.
“You left him, Y/N. He had been shot and you just packed your bags and left. I know that you were scared and panicked, but you still just went running.” She just nodded her head, not liking the walk down memory lane.
“I know, Sam. I haven’t forgotten.”
“Neither has he.” Sam responded as she took the final swig in the bottle. “Damage like that just doesn’t go away. That shit stays with you. Now I told you that I wasn’t picking sides, but I kind of did. You left.” Sam said and she just wished she never asked. There was a lot that she wished as of late. Her wishing got her nowhere though. Closing her eyes and talking to a ball of gas didn’t change the fact that she left and threw away everything good in her life.
“I love him,” Y/N finally spoke after a moment and Sam just nodded his head. Those words weren’t new. He already knew that.
“Sometimes love just isn’t enough though.” She just bit down on her bottom lip.
“Which is deeper, pain or love?” She asked and Sam threw his arm around her, holding her close.
“Why don’t you ask him yourself?”
—– —– —–
This was a terrible idea. She was a complete fool for listening to Sam Wilson. A sigh left her lips as she good in the bare alley, looking up at his apartment. There was a light on, and she could hear the old records playing. She knew which record it was. It was the only one he ever listened to.
Running her fingers through her hair, she contemplated her options. The problem was, none of them sounded all that appealing. She could either throw pebbles at his window, or go knock.
Honestly, she had no fucking clue what she was doing here. Yet, she came this far. It was hard to think about walking away. He always commented on how stubborn she was. She never admitted it, but it was the absolute truth. Of course, he was stubborn as they came. That he tried to deny. She laughed and always teased how she accepted her flaws.
In the end, her fear got the best of her. That was always her worst flaw, and she couldn’t just accept and overcome that. There was a reason why she couldn’t brig herself to either knock on his door, or throw some rocks. She wanted to see him, but she didn’t want to be seen.
She knew she couldn’t stand outside his apartment all night. That was a dumb idea, mostly because he would catch her with ease. She didn’t dare risk that. So instead, she took a swig from the flask in her purse and headed up the stairs.
“You got this,” she mumbled to herself, looking for that inner courage. After a pause, she finally reached up to knock on his door.
She wasn’t surprised when he was slow to open the door. He was probably bracing himself for a fight. Because he was always on his toes, alarmed and ready to defend himself. She heard the door unlock and held her breath as it slowly opened.
“Y/N,” Bucky spoke in a soft tone. She could see how confused he was. It was written all over his face. Of course he would be surprised to see her here in general, let alone as late as it was.
“Hi,” she whispered as it took all of her might not to throw herself in his arms. She felt secure in his arms. When he held her, nothing was ever as bad as it seemed.
“It’s late,” he said now in a firmer tone. “Can we do this tomorrow?” He asked and she felt like all the wind was knocked out of her.
“Y-Yeah,” she said trying to keep her composure. She didn’t need to cry in front of him. What good would that do either of them? She turned to walk away when she felt his cold metal grip against her arm.
“Are you hurt?” He asked that soft tone back. She just shook her head. “Is everything okay?”
“Nothing has been okay since you were shot,” she said as he let go of her arm. He opened the door to his apartment, a silent invite.
“Want to tell me about it over a beer?” He asked slowly, his eyes watching her. Nothing had ever sounded quite as wonderful as that invitation.
“Absolutely,” She spoke as they stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind her. She looked around the familiar setting, realizing nothing had changed. She always loved his apartment. It was like catching a glimpse inside of his heart. He was a private person, and sometimes on the cold side. He wasn’t easy to get to know. Yet, standing in his apartment, you would never know. It was so warm and it felt like home. It was a welcoming place to be. He handed her a beer before nodding towards the couch in the living room. Oh, the memories she had involving this couch. She couldn’t even remember how many times she was lounged back, his head lost between her thighs.
“You look good,” he remarked and she just laughed.
“Yeah, you too.” She spoke and it was the truth. God, the man looked so good it was almost a sin. There was something about his dark hair and haunted eyes that attracted her.
“I meant in that dress,” he said as a sly grin played on his lips. She snickered, glad for humor to slowly ease the tension.
“Real nice, Barnes.” She said as she took a swig of her beer.
“Come from a party?” He asked and she just nodded. “Yeah, Sam mentioned he sees you at them a bit.”
“I hate all of them.” She spoke and it was the honest truth.
“Yeah,” he spoke as he took a swig of his beer. “I healed fine, Y/N.” He spoke as she lowered her gaze. “I can see the question burning in your eyes. My wounds are healed.” Part of her hoped he was only taking from the bullets and not the pain of her leaving.
“Good,” she said and he sighed.
“Why are you here?” He asked and it was her turn to sigh.
“I missed you,” she admitted. “God, I was so stupid to just leave like that. I got spooked and I let my fears reason over my logic and I bolted.” She ran her fingers through her hair.
“Are you sorry?” He asked and she finally returned her gaze back to him.
“More than you will ever know.” She spoke as he set the beer down on the table. He took hers from her hand and set it down on the table as well.
“Good,” he said as he leaned forward, crushing his mouth against hers. Her world began to spin as a result of the searing kiss.
“Jesus hell,” she mumbled breaking the kiss for a moment. She placed her hands on the side of his face, staring into those eyes. “I am so fucking sorry,” she whispered as she crashed her mouth against his, the kiss growing rougher with need. She had no idea what they were doing, but she was tired of thinking. It was hurting her head too much to sort through all of this. She wasn’t going to ruin this by giving in to the noise in her head. She wanted this. Everything else was just in second compared to her need for him.
He won dominance of the kiss, but she didn’t care. There was something absolutely wonderful about when he demanded all of the control. It was seriously one of the hottest things she ever experienced. His hands were snaked in her tangled hair and she gave out a small yelp of pain when he roughly tugged her head backwards, completely exposing her neck to him.
“Mmmmm,” he mumbled against the pale skin as he placed a soft kiss along her neck. Her eyes shut as he slowly started to trail kisses along her skin.
“Oh,” she whispered as his teeth sunk into her skin, his mouth sucking against her collarbone. She knew there would be a mark from it. She wanted to care, but she just couldn’t. He could mark and brand her skin all he wanted, as long as he didn’t stop.
His fingers started to play with the zipper of her dress. She could feel him almost pause and she couldn’t blame him for wanting to slow all of this down. Fuck, she didn’t even know what this was. All she knew was he was right to have doubts about her. She proved that with her cowardly actions. She knew that. She made that bed. She was learning how to lie in it. The doubt left her mind though as he roughly tugged the zipper down, and she heard the found of fabric tearing. Come morning she would care more about her dress, but tonight it didn’t matter.
His hands were all over and everywhere at once. Everything moved in a buzz and she was unable to keep track of it anymore. She was certain the amount of booze previously poured down her throat played a factor, but she was okay with being lost in this moment. There were worst places to be lost. A gasp rolled off her lips as his hands gripped her thighs and he balled up her dress in his hands. Shivers ran down her spine as his hands roughly gripped her hips, his rough touch against her smooth skin.
His movement stilled for a moment and she took the pause for a chance to catch her breath. She pushed some of her hair out of her face as she filled her lungs with air. He looked at her for a moment and she wasn’t sure what that gleam in his eyes meant. He ran his fingers through his hair as he leaned forward and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. This time the kiss tasted a lot like goodbye.
“What are we doing?” He asked and she just sighed. It was a fair question, but she just didn’t have an answer. She was barely able to remember her name when he kissed her. There was no way she could form a plan of action.
“Honestly? I-” she paused. She knew what she wanted to say, but she just couldn’t form the words. Everything that came to her mind all revolved around the fact that while he was shot and injured, she left. She wouldn’t never ask for forgiveness from him because she didn’t deserve it. She wasn’t able to forgive herself. She would never assume he could forgive her.
“Yeah,” he sighed as he reached forward for the bottle and taking a swig.
“I’m not going anywhere,” she whispered as she grabbed his hand. She took the bottle out of his hand before setting it back on the table. She laced her fingers through his before gently touching his cheek with her other hand. “I’m not going to vanish, Buck.” She repeated. She knew he had no reason to believe her, but she could always hope he sensed the honesty behind the words. He nodded his head slowly before leaning forward, their lips connecting again.
His hands roamed her body again, as if the pause never existed. Just like before, her head spun and she was barely able to hang on as she body slowly started to burn under his touch. She missed this. It was far more than the sensations that he left her with. She missed him. Oh, she missed him. She woke up always kicking herself for her actions. She went to sleep wishing to be in his arms. She knew her pain was by her own actions. Never did she blame him and she never planned on starting. She was the reason she had to live without him.
She didn’t want to live that way anymore. Even if it was just one night, she needed to be his again.
His hands returned to her dress as he slowly tugged it down her shoulders and off her hips. She wiggled her way out of it, glad to be free of the fabric. His mouth left hers as he placed kisses against her neck, causing a small moan to leave her lips. She could hear his chuckle and the sound only turned her on even more. She never understood how he was always amused by her reactions.
She could feel his rough fingertips outline the hem of her cotton panties. Her head rolled back and he took advantage and kissed more of her sensitive skin. A pout formed on her lips as his fingers left and she heard another chuckle leave him.
“Patience,” he advised and she just scoffed. She was already rather impatient and that doubled when it came to sex. He knew that and he used it against her. He loved to tease her and slowly draw it out just to make her wait because he loved to watch her slowly crumble under his touch. It was a game of power and she always found she held so little of it. Not that she minded, she turned the power over to him early on in their relationship.
“I’ll get right on that,” she said and he just snorted. She felt his hands fumbling with the clasp on her bra. It didn’t take long for the garment to join her dress on the floor. His hands cupped her breasts as a sigh left her. His mouth found hers the second his fingers pinched her nipples and the moan that left her was swallowed by his tongue in her mouth. Her hands gripped his hair and she heard a hum as he rolled her nipples in his fingers. Her back arched as she pressed herself against his hands, her body seeking more. It never mattered what it was, her body always wanted more and more.
He was like some damn drug that she was hooked on, and never could get enough of.
His mouth left hers again as his lips found the soft skin of her collarbone. Her eyes shut again as he continued his slow assault against her neck and nipples, leaving a new burning ache between her legs. He must have sensed it because he chose that moment to bite down on the sensitive skin, causing a loud shriek to leave her as she yanked on his hair without realizing her actions. She could hear his chuckle as he slowly pushed her back against the arm on the couch. A sly grin played on her lips as he took the moment to kiss down her body. His mouth paid special attention to her breasts as he took each nipple in his mouth, his tongue running over the bud.
His rough fingers played with the hem of her panties again and his touch felt like fire against her already heated skin. It was the sweetest kind of burn though. She couldn’t complain as he lit the flame under her skin. She felt his thumbs hook through the waistband as he tugged them down her hips. His speed was slow and she knew it was just another way to torture her. She seen the roots of her hair growing in faster than his movements. Sure he liked to tease her with patience, but this was just ridiculous.
“Christmas will be here before you take my underwear off,” she remarked and he laughed at her comment.
“Would you rather I leave them on?” He asked as his movements stilled. A groan left her as she wiggled her hips. Damn him to hell.
“No,” she admitted. There was no shame in being honest. She would probably threaten him just to get him moving again.
“Well,” he said as he started to move again. She was thankful when his speed increased as her panties joined the pile of unwanted clothing. The problem was she was naked and he was fully dressed. It hardly seemed fair. She wanted a chance to see that body on display.
“You’re dressed still,” she pouted and he grinned.
“Great observation,” he remarked and she rolled her eyes as he removed his shirt, throwing it at her. “Better?” She just nodded as she dropped the shirt on the floor. He kissed her again before his lips slowly moved down her body again. This time they skipped her breasts as he had a new destination in mind.
A hiss left her as he pushed her legs open, his mouth placing a light kiss against her thigh. She could feel the roughness of his stubble against her thighs and she moaned at the sensation. He must have remembered how much she loved it, because he slowly rubbed his cheek along her thigh, the stubble digging into her skin. Her head spun again as she grabbed part of the couch in a fist. She could hear his damn chuckle again right before she felt the first swipe of his tongue, and just like that she started to see stars.
“Bucky,” she moaned as his tongue licked her again. She couldn’t stop the bucking of her hips or the arch of her back. There was something about his head between her thighs that just made her body lose all control. His hands roughly grabbed her hips and she knew it was to try and still some of her movements. He always attempted to still her movements, but it was something that just worked better in theory.
His hands stilled her some, but it wasn’t enough as she bucked against him again. Her moans filled the room and she wondered if that old lady in the apartment next door would say something in the elevator again. It wasn’t the first time she made it clear that thin walls and sex didn’t mix very well. Y/N often just laughed an apology, but she was never all that sorry. She couldn’t really even pretend she was. There was no way she could be sorry for the way that Bucky made her feel. Her body always lit up under his touch and she wasn’t about to apologize for that.
His mouth moved against her, slowly bringing her closer and closer to the edge. While she was dancing near the edge, it wasn’t enough. He knew that. She was certain of that. He knew her body so well and was able to read her reactions in just a mere matter of seconds. Sometimes he knew a reaction better than she did. One of the hands that pushed her hips down slowly let up as his fingers ran over the smooth skin of her thighs. A shaky moan left her as his he slowly circled her entrance with the pad of his thumb. Damn him and his love of teasing her. She felt like sometimes he wound her too tight, just to watch her snap under the pressure. She wasn’t about to start complaining though.
“Fuck,” she mumbled as his finger slowly entered her. A moan left her as he slowly moved inside of her. The pace was slow enough to drive her insane with want. She just groaned as she opened her eyes to look at him. Their eyes locked for a moment and his amusement was written all over his face. She moaned out as he added a second finger, his pace picking up slightly. Her eyes flew shut as she bit down on her bottom lip. He kept the steady pace up and she felt herself dancing closer and closer to the edge. She was dangling right above it and all it took was him curling his fingers to push her over the edge.
A loud moan left her again as her hips wildly bucked against his hand. He didn’t bother trying to still her this time as she rode out her orgasm. Once she finally settled and came down from the high, she opened he eyes to see him wiping his mouth. God, he was hot as hell. His hair was a mess and some of it stuck to his face. She could see the hunger in his dark eyes and despite her orgasm, she knew she had the same gleam of hunger in her own eyes.
Sitting up she threw her arms around his neck and she pressed her mouth against his. She knew the disaster this could end in. She didn’t want to think about it though. She had no idea what was running through his mind, but she didn’t dare ask. She was afraid of the words that would follow this. She knew they would break her heart all over again. She had to brace herself for it, but it was near impossible. It was like almost having him back just for her to lose him again. She wanted to kick herself for doing this. Come morning, she would hate herself even more.
She tried to turn her brain off as she kissed him, taking the moment to explore his mouth. She felt his hands run up and down her back and she shivered under his touch. He was wearing far too much clothing still. Instead of focusing on the pain this would bring, she focused on getting him undressed. She reached for his pants, undoing the button without any effort. She could feel his grin as she started to tug on his jeans. She was glad for his assistance as he kicked them off to the side. She could see how hard he was with ease now that he was just in his boxers. She reached down and slowly stroked him through his boxers, enjoying the loud and deep groan that left him.
She loved watching him come undone under her touch. He didn’t allow it to happen very often though. The times he handed control over were rare, but she always enjoyed and took advantage of them when they happened. He grabbed her wrist to still her movements and she knew this wasn’t a time he was planning on handing over the control. He kissed her roughly as he grabbed her body, his hands roaming. She moaned in his mouth and he pinched her nipple again.
He broke the kiss for a brief moment as he removed the last barrier of clothing. She reached for him again, but his hand caught her this time. He grabbed the other hand and held them both with just one of his hands as his mouth found hers.
“Keep these to yourself,” he ordered and she just nodded her head. He pushed her back so she was laying against the couch. He positioned himself between her thighs as he slowly teased her with his tip. She moaned as it circled her sensitive flesh over and over again. Finally he aligned himself with her entrance. The teasing didn’t stop though as he just used his tip to tease her entrance more. A frustrated moan left her as she bucked up against him, hoping for more friction. Well, at this point she could take more of anything as long as he stopped with the teasing.
He entered her in one movement. Her eyes squeezed shut as she moaned out. His hands roughly grabbed her hips and she was sure she’d have a mark in the morning. His movements were rough and fast and she preferred that over anything else. Her body was already wound tight that she couldn’t do anything slow and gentle. She needed this. She needed him. She could hear his low growls and each of them sent a wave of heat through her body. He remarked about the sounds she made, but she was floored by the noises that came out of his mouth. Something about his growls left her an aching mess.
He took a moment to life her legs slightly, causing him to hit her at a new angle. A loud moan left her as she grabbed part of the couch. Her back was arched and her breathing was shallow. She was close and he knew it. She knew he was close too. The growls that left him were a clear sign that he wasn’t going to be able to last much longer either.
His fingers found her clit and he started to rub hard circles against her as he matched the pace his thrusts set. She moaned out as her hips started to buck against him. Just like before, she was dancing by the edge and each thrust and each circle of his fingers just pushed her closer. Finally, she fell off the edge as she came for the second time that night. She moaned out as her hips started to wildly buck against him as she rode out her second orgasm. She heard him swear as he groaned out and his thrusts became even wilder as he finally danced over the edge himself, coming undone inside of her.
The worst part about couch sex was trying to both lay there. She was thankful when he grabbed her arms and tugged her on top of him as he laid backwards.
Her eyes finally caught glance of his bullet wounds and she wondered how she missed it for as long as she had. She knew she was distracted, but they were hard to miss. She placed a light kiss against the scar.
“I should have been there.” She admitted. She felt his hands rub small circles against her back. She smiled at the sweet gesture.
“You’re right,” he agreed. “It sucked being shot, but the worst was you leaving.” His words stung but she needed to hear it. She had to hear how much she hurt him.
“I am sorry. I know no amounts of apologizing will erase it.”
“I want it to though,” he said before sighing. She closed her eyes, bracing herself. She knew this wreck was going to happen. “I just wish I could close my eyes and it all went away.”
“Me too,” she admitted.
“Did you mean it?” He asked and she finally found the courage to open her eyes and look at him.
“That you weren’t going anywhere?” His voice was small and she could hear the pain. She nodded.
“I did. I know you can’t forgive me and in don’t expect you to, but I am not leaving.” She said and he moved his head to press his mouth against hers.
“Y/N,” he said before sighing again. “I want to believe that. You have no idea how much I want to believe it.” She could hear fear in his voice now. It wasn’t something she heard often. She could feel her world shattering. Tears formed in her eyes. She swore she wouldn’t cry I front of him, but she doubted she could stop it.
“So prove it. Words are nice, but you need to prove it.” He said softly before cupping her face.
“Stay. Be here when I wake up and we can start with breakfast,” she laughed at his words. She knew it wasn’t that easy, but it was so tempting to believe.
“I can do breakfast,” she said and he smiled.
“I love you,” he said. She wasn’t sure what she did to deserve this man. He was so good to her and forgiving in ways she never imagined.
“I love you too,” she said as she rested against her chest. “I always have and I always will.” She spoke as his arms tightened around her.
She knew that they had a lot to work out, but he was right. They could start all of that over breakfast. Tonight she just wanted to soak up the feeling of safety and love.
She just wanted to soak up the feeling of having him again.