tea and murders

anonymous asked:

WHERE are the fics in which John has to explain to Sherlock that he wanted to bang his sister because I swear he would have had to have told him before Sherrinford lol

“So the woman I met as Faith—you’re saying that was my long lost sister?”

“That’s what she said, yes.”

“And she was pretending to be your therapist, as well?  Fascinating.”

“Yeah.  Plus she was also…”  John trailed off.  

“What?”

“Do you want some tea?  I could murder a cuppa right now.”

Sherlock frowned.  "You were going to say something.  Something about this person…  Eurus.  She was also…  what?“

"Nothing.  It’s nothing.  In fact, I’ve forgotten.”

“Or should I say ‘whom’?  Did she have yet another disguise?”

John shook his head. “Couldn’t have. Impersonating three separate people, just to get close to us?  That’d just be silly.”  John rocked back and forth on his heels, his hands shoved innocently into his pockets. Sherlock narrowed his eyes.

“You’re hiding something. Why?”

“Just forget it.”

“Who else could Eurus possibly have disguised herself as?  Neither of us associate with many people, and the ones we do, we’ve known for a long time. She can’t have been impersonating Molly or Mary or Mrs Hudson.”

“No, certainly not.”

“And we don’t know any other women.”

“Nope.”

Sherlock stared long and hard at John, clearly deducing every single thread, button, or smudge on his body. John squirmed.  

Suddenly Sherlock let out a gasp.

“Oh, here it is,” said John, covering his face with one hand.

“The woman on the bus!  Your affair.”  Sherlock stared into the distance, the full horror of the situation seeming to dawn on him by degrees.  "John.  You cheated on Mary…  with my sister.

John sighed and sank into his chair. "It was only texting!  I swear.”

Sherlock slumped into his own chair, looking dazed.

“My sister.”  He quirked an eyebrow at John. “So…  ”

“Yes?”

“Is she a lot like me?  In any specific ways?”

“Oh, Christ.  No one’s ever going to believe I’m not in love with you, are they?”

Weird dream I had

So basically I was walking down this road holding some strange sort of weapon. It looked like something out of a heavily modded COD game or some weird creation in GMOD. It was like a staff with two heads, and on each head it had a ball with a smiley face on it. But it was also a machine gun.

So basically I was walking around with a weird-looking machine gun, shooting people.

I came up to this corner and sat down, deciding to have a rest. I took out my thermos and made myself a cup of tea. That’s right, fucking tea.

As I am drinking this cup of tea, fit for a mass murderer, the scout from Team Fortress 2 comes up and starts making polite conversation with me. All of a sudden the SOLDIER from tf2 runs up to the scout, grabs him and screams: ‘Listen son, don’t go near that thing.’
He turns his box upside down, and a bunch of fucking raccoons spill out. The raccoons take one look at my strange weapon and run for the hills. He points to my strange weapon and says, 'See? Raccoons run from it in fear’

lots of credit for this dumb idea has to go to @therearenofriendshipsinuno because I honestly don’t remember which one of us came up with it but I know it definitely wouldn’t have existed without her

“Ryan! Can we sell your mask, Ryan?”

Gavin flops down on the couch beside him, looking hopeful.

Ryan looks up from his book to stare at him. “My - what? Of course you can’t sell my mask. Why the hell would you want to?”

“Not your actual mask,” Gavin says. He has that particularly obnoxious tone to his voice that says you’re not following his ideas fast enough and he’s already bored explaining it to you. “Replicas!”

“And again I find myself asking, why?”

“Because people love you, Ryan!” Gavin throws his arms up in the air. Ryan wonders about the last time he’s slept. “People love the Fake AH Crew!”

Ryan raises an eyebrow at him. “People are terrified of the Fake AH Crew.”

Gavin just scoffs. “The boring ones do, yeah. But there’s like, a whole underground culture of fans. We have fans! There’s a whole website about it, with messageboards and pages about each of us. And everyone has, like, a favourite member.” Gavin grins at him devlishly. “You’re a big favourite.”

That is… a lot of information Ryan doesn’t know what to do with. Instead, he says “I thought you were supposed to be working on the virus we want to plant on Shadels’ computer, not trolling the internet.”

Gavin waves a hand impatiently. “The virus is done, the trolling came after because I was too wired to sleep.”

There it is. Ryan finds himself vaguely wondering if he should spike Gavin’s tea with nyquil and asks “how long ago was that, exactly?”

“Look, that’s not important, right? I’m trying to say we should sell merch!”

Definitely spiking his tea. “…merch. Of… a murderous gang.”

Gavin nods, clearly pleased that Ryan is, apparently, on the same page. He throws his arms out wide. “Of our gang! And I think we should start with your mask! Your fans will eat that up.”

“Okay, aside from that fact that a known serial killer should absolutely not have fans, you realise what a bad idea that is, right?” Ryan steels himself against Gavin’s puppy eyes as he physically deflates. “No, seriously, Gavin. My mask is my identifier. It’s my image. You really think people are going to be intimidated by it when every 15 year old tween with a weird obsession is wearing one?”

“Awww, but Ryan!” Gavin sidles up next to him so he can lean on his shoulder and looks up at him with - yup, there they are - sad puppy dog eyes. “Don’t you wanna see an army of little Vagabonds running around?”

“Dear god, no. That sounds terrifying.” Gavin looks, if possible, even sadder, and Ryan panics. “Uh, you want some tea?” He tries to stand but Gavin just holds onto his arm. He’s a twig next to Ryan’s more muscled build, and they both know he would never be able to actually hold Ryan still against his will. But, as always, Ryan relents and leans back against the couch with a sigh.

He did not used to be this easy to manipulate. Fucking brits and their stupid big eyes and nice hair and sexy accents.

“Alright, I’ll make you a deal,” Ryan starts, and Gavin immediately perks up. “First, you have some tea and get some damn sleep - “ Gavin groans, like a kid being told it’s his bedtime, but Ryan continues over him, “ - and after, we can maybe find something… else, to sell to our weirdo fans.”

“Not the mask?”

“Definitely not the mask,” Ryan says firmly.

Gavin seems to consider this for a moment, before finally letting go of Ryan’s arm and nodding. “Fine. Deal.”

Ryan is relieved and stands, determined to make Gavin that tea. He strides towards the kitchen and Gavin follows on his heels. “Hey Ryan?”

“Yeah Gav?”

“What are your thoughts on selling shirts with your face paint design on them?”

“My - Gavin, no one even sees the face paint!”

“Well then why do you bloody put it on every time?!”

Ryan desperately tries to remember where they keep the Nyquil.

Which Batman Villain Should You Fight?

Catwoman

There is a 93% chance that Catwoman wins this fight.

Do it. Fight Catwoman. You know you want to. You know she wants you to. Please fight catwoman. You’ll both enjoy yourselves, not to mention get a killer workout -  and chances are she’ll give you a few helpful pointers before she knocks you on your sorry ass. It’s a win-win, honestly. Fight her.

Killer Croc

There is a 100% chance that Killer Croc wins this fight.

Do not fight Croc. Don’t do it. He’s literally a giant Crocodile. If you’re lucky the least he’ll do is knock you out. Don’t fight Killer Croc, it’s the worst (and maybe last) decision you’ll ever make.

The Riddler

There is a 5% chance that The Riddler wins this fight.

Fight The Riddler. Please fight The Riddler, he honestly deserves it and he has noodle arms. Knock him right on his smug ass. I suppose it’s possible that he could beat you, but the only way that’s going to happen is if he taunts you with enough riddles to make you leave. Lets be real, though, you’ll probably punch him in the jaw before it gets that far so just do everyone a favor and fight The Riddler.

Poison Ivy

There is a 74% chance that Poison Ivy wins this fight.

Fight her anyway. She’s a force to be reckoned with, but kick over a potted plant and she’ll literally wilt. I mean, it’s unlikely you’ll get that far because she’ll probably beat you down and poison you but like… you know how she does that right?? Honestly it’s probably worth the horrible agony that comes next, just fight her.

The Joker

There is a 140% chance that The Joker wins this fight.

Don’t do it. Don’t fight the Joker. Are you nuts? Do you have a death wish? There is no best case scenario when you fight the Joker. The best case scenario still involves you dying, it just means that maybe when he’s done torturing you he won’t break your neck and dance on your desecrated corpse. But he probably still will, so don’t do it. Don’t fight the Joker.

Harley Quinn

There is a -10% chance that Harley Quinn wins this fight.

Man, don’t fight Harley. Please, for the love of God don’t do it. It’d be like fighting a puppy, okay? Either you win and she still wants to take you out to lunch, or she wins and feels horrible about it. She might cry. Do you want that to happen? There’s no way for Harley to win here and you can’t do that to her.

Two Face

There is a 50% chance that Two Face wins this fight.

There is literally a 50% chance you’ll survive this. I mean, its just as possible for you to lose, and probably end up with a few new holes in your chest as a result. But also you might not lose and could end up with a new best friend who is both a supervillain and a lawyer which is honestly the best combination to keep you out of trouble with the law. So do it. Fight Two Face.

The Scarecrow

There is a 10% chance that The Scarecrow wins this fight.

Fight him. Fight The Scarecrow. In all honestly, the man will probably fight himself once you get far enough. He deserves to get his ass kicked and frankly, he knows it too. The best part is, it’ll be laughably easy. Assuming you don’t choose to use the literal noose he wears like a necktie, just wait a few minutes. He’ll probably spontaneously catch on fire. It happens too often to be coincidence so please fight The Scarecrow.

The Mad Hatter

There is a 100% chance that YOU LOSE this fight.

I mean you could fight the Mad Hatter but why would you want to?? He’ll probably just wave his arms pathetically trying to hit you and then sit down and cry when he can’t. He can’t possibly win this fight so the best case scenario is that you give up and call it a draw before you wind up consoling him. Even then you’ll still feel like a douche for just wanting to fight him in the first place. Honestly just leave the man to his tea and occasional murder it’s better for everyone this way.

The Penguin

There is a 0% chance that The Penguin wins this fight.

Do it. Just do it. Fight The Penguin.That little bastard deserves to be knocked on his ass. Not only is he a criminal, he’s a rich criminal. He doesn’t even need to steal he just does. For fun. What an asshole, please fight the Penguin there’s no way he can win.

Bane

There is a 4000% chance that Bane wins this fight.

He’s already bigger than you. And Stronger. If by some freak chance he’s not, then he can make himself bigger and stronger than you. Don’t fight Bane. Don’t do it.

Mr. Freeze

There is a 100% chance that you’re an asshole.

The dude’s wife is DEAD why would you want to fight him?? All he wants is his wife back which not only means that you’re awful, it means he has literally nothing to lose. The man will take 4 seconds to turn you into a giant dick-cicle. Don’t do it. Do not fight Mr. Freeze.

6

                            Rule No. #6 - Don’t touch Freddy


Uhg don’t pay too close attention to all the anatomy derps, I was REALLY tired and sick when I drew this. I randomly thought how one of the rules is don’t touch Freddy… I bet it’s a bummer for the animatronics not being able to interact with the kids that they use to entertain. ( I like to think that the animatronices are sentient beings looking out for the kids ) So yeah… This was made in result of that. ^^”