tbe*

i asked God why He made me too sensitive, and He promised me that it wasn’t a mistake. He told me He purposely made me delicate, not so that i could shatter easily, not so that i could be frail, not so that i could be told i’m “too soft” whenever someone tries to touch me

it was so i could know of the gentle beauty in living. and in my tenderness, i can love in a way the world may not know of yet. my compassion has the power to speak raging waves to calmness and i can appreciate the little things He created that go unnoticed. there is something special in being fragile, and it has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. 

being sensitive is a gift, He answered, and i shouldn’t be ashamed of it.

—  Christina Hopp // things im learning

nothing about the new ghostbusters was intended for male consumption. nothing. the main cast is all female. of that cast, the young hot blonde one is a lesbian. the men in the film are very flimsy characters without substance. it just makes me so happy to see a movie that was specifically made by women for women. i want more.

I tried ignoring God for a week

but I found diaries from
elementary school
where I told Him my
secrets

I asked Him if He was real
and to forgive me for saying
I hated my sister

I wrote to Him
on vacations
like a postcard

I confessed that I’d marry
the boy Isaac from class
and asked if that was okay

The counselor called my mom
told her I was sitting alone
on the bench at recess
She didn’t know
I was talking to God
too scared to talk to the other kids

I asked Him why
my friend kept hitting me
and bruising my skin
when I didn’t want to play

why the boys laughed
and squeezed me where
I didn’t like
when I wore a bikini
for the first time

why I couldn’t go to a dance
and feel beautiful
like the rest

and He replied by shining
in a dream where I
realized
it doesn’t matter what they say
when He’s the one that
has always been
listening

And I remembered the time
my dad drove away
after a fight that made me
wonder if he was ever coming
back
and in fear, I fell
begged God to make him
turn around
and He told me
if he didn’t
He’d be my proper father

He’s all I’ve had
my only solid
He hasn’t let me down
so no matter how much
I want to, I can’t
give Him up just yet

—  I tried ignoring God - Christina Hopp

And maybe your trait will be that you dance better than anyone I’ve ever seen. Or that you adore Jesus so much that I envy your heart. Or that I’ll be brave enough to show you all of my poetry books.

Maybe you’ll have the softest presence, mouth, words, like a garden in the middle of winter.

Maybe the thought of you will make me break and stare at the wall for hours, and I’ll pray the whole way home about how beautiful you are.

Whatever it is, above all of this, I hope the thing about you that makes you the most perfect one of all, is that you notice my reaching and you find something in me worth exploring. So you stay. You’ll be the one who stays.

— 

To The One I Love Next - Christina Hopp

Will be in my chapbook Red Mouth, in 2017

Everything I am
is in my ifs.

If I survive tonight.
If I heal. 
If I can afford it.
If I pass the test. 

I give You my ifs, Lord.

Here is my life and
I want it a certain way
but if You have different plans
ignore mine.

Here are my hands and
there are places I want to explore
but if you take them away
then so be it.

Here is my heart, Lord
and it’s been around some.
It’s loved too little and
been too hateful.
And if you want to break it,
it is well,
for it’s for your glory.

Take all of my ifs.
Every last bit of them.
Help me to release the
ones I clutch so closely.
They’re spilling from my lips
both in praise and reluctantly.
And they’re Yours to do with
as You please.

So take them all.
All of my ifs
and change them
or use them
for something
I’m not expecting.

when my niece admitted
at the beach in her bikini
how she “wished she was pretty”
i told her again and again
with an ache in my chest
of the radiance she wore.
i begged her to understand
of the beauty that she was. 
did God grieve over her ignorance?
at knowing His lovely daughter
didn’t know how lovely she was?

when the man i loved 
didn’t care for me
i wonder, did God weep
even more
because that same man
didn’t care for Him?

when i wanted to die. 
when i lost my hope.
and forgot what it felt like
to be alive.
did He see my agony and
raise a protective hand,
like He’d do anything
to make me understand
that He will kill my demons
with one command,
did He hurt knowing
of the plans He had
that i would miss if i relapsed? 

when beautiful souls of a condemned race
were murdered with no mercy
and the world wondered how a loving God
could ever allow such evil,
i didn’t question it. i know God cared.

i know He mourned the blood that shed
on His church steps
and in the pews where His children prayed.
i know His wrath shook heaven
in a way we can’t imagine
as He welcomed the new angels
through the gates. 

i’ve learned to place my pain
in God’s shoes
to remind myself that He is more
than an aging man on an old throne
without a clue of us and what we endure

but instead - He loves us.
He loves us. He adores us so much.
He mourns when we are hurting.
He knows more about grief 
than our hearts could ever handle.

it’s much easier to pray
when you worship a God
that knows how you feel
what heartbreak, anger,
and death is like.

He nods His head
with your every prayer
as you shout at Him
in a roaring rage
saying, “Child, don’t you know,
I’ve experienced your pain,
I know better than anyone
of what you’re feeling”.