HAVE YOU TRAVELED ACROSS HALF A WORLD TO THROW A TRINKET INTO A VOLCANO? READY YOUR TRAVELING GEAR, BECAUSE COCONUT TAPIOCA PUDDING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS. (wizard business)

HARNESS A WHITE STEED AND GALLOP TO YOUR LOCAL GROCER TO FIND ‘SEED’ OR ‘PEARL’ TAPIOCA. THOSE LITTLE BALLS OF GLORY MIGHT BE STASHED AWAY IN A SPECIALTY ASIAN FOOD MART, BUT SMART MOTHERFUCKERS PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY.

‘MINUTE’ TAPIOCA IS SHIT. IT SUCKS ASS AND SWALLOWS. IT’S JUST POWDER - NOT THE HAPPY SPHERES LIKE TINY DRAGON EGGS IN YOUR MOUTH.


GRAB A HALF-CUP OF THOSE BEAUTIES AND SHOVE THEM IN A BOWL WITH A SINGLE CUP OF WATER.

THINK OF IT LIKE GERMINATING A SEED. YOU ONLY WANT TO LEAVE IT THERE FOR 15 MINUTES, OTHERWISE IT WILL MAKE LIKE FRODO’S PARENTS AND DROWN!

DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY WHILE YOU POUR OFF THE EXCESS, UNWORTHY WATER (flop it into a strainer if you have to.)

SHOVE THAT TAPOIOCA INTO A POT WITH 2 CUPS OF WATER AND A LITTLE PINCH OF SALT. SLAP IT ON MEDIUM-HIGH AND STIR A BIT WHILE IT REACHES A BOIL. FEEL THE HEAT AS THE PURIFICATION HAPPENS, LEAVING YOUR TAPIOCA THE FINEST AND MOST LOVELY IN THE REALM.

IF THAT ASSHOLE STARTS TO SPIT AND HISS AT YOU, ADD A LITTLE MORE WATER TO THE TOP, AND STIR MORE OFTEN. SOME MOTHERFUCKERS ARE SENSITIVE.

AS SOON AS IT’S BOILING (lots of bubbles making the surface unstable) TURN THE HEAT DOWN TO LOW-MEDIUM FOR 10-15 MINUTES.

AWWW YEAAH, POT ‘O GOODNESS RIGHT THERE.

WHEN IT STARTS TURNING SOFT AND A LITTLE BIT GOOEY (like your heart when confronted by a box of puppies), TAKE IT OFF THE HEAT AND COVER THE POT, LEAVING THAT SUCKER TO STEW AND REFLECT ON THE MYSTERIES OF THE WORLD FOR ANOTHER 10 MINUTES.

WHILE ITS MIND CLEARS, ITS BODY WILL BECOME CLEAR AS WELL.

AFTER THE TIME HAS PASSED, USHER THE BEAUTIES INTO THE FRIDGE FOR COOLING.

IN THE REALM OF ICE AND SNOW, THE TAPIOCA WILL THICKEN AND BOND TOGETHER, FRIENDSHIP AND HARMONY UNITING THEM INTO A TEAM!


NOW IS THE TIME TO MAKE IT RIGHTEOUS WITH THE SOUL OF COCONUTS!

SCOOP OUT A THIRD OF A CUP OF TAPIOCA, AND MIX IN A FOURTH OF A CUP OF COCONUT MILK.

READY YOUR SWORD ARM, AND MIX WELL, MY FRIEND! THIRTY LASHES AT LEAST. 

TO MAKE IT SWEETER, TOP IT OFF WITH A DRIZZLE OF SOME SORT OF SWEET SYRUP.

MY FAVORITE IS MAPLE SYRUP, BUT FRIENDLY LUMBERJACKS MAY PREFER STRAWBERRY SYRUP, AND PIRATE QUEENS MAY WANT TO TRY BLUEBERRY.

TO SERVE IT LIKE A FANCY MOTHERFUCKER, TOP IT WITH SOME SHREDDED, TOASTED COCONUT OR CHUNKS OF MANGO BECAUSE YOU DESERVE SOME PERFECTION IN YOUR LIFE.

ROCK ON, YOU BEAUTIFUL ASSHATS.