Jet Wolf Summarizes Act 33
The manga and I kind of hate each other. This is unfortunate, but still, I’m determined to come out of this with something. Rather than spend energy on a liveblog that’s increasingly negative, I’m reading each manga act (mostly) silently, and then writing up summaries at the end. I won’t pull my punches. There’s going to be criticism and snark about the manga, either wholesale or in details. If that isn’t a thing you feel like reading, please skip this post!
This is not a triumphant return, more a begrudging slouch through the door on the first day of that 8am class you should’ve known better than to sign up for. This issue is absolutely terrible, it spins its heels for about twenty pages, it contradicts its own backstory every other panel, and its reasons for absolutely anything boil down to “the inanimate object told me to”, and like, children, this is why they tell you never to play with a ouija board alone. One of my biggest complaints with the Saturn arc of the anime was its pacing, and my assumption is that the gods heard me and decided I must be punished for my hubris.
But none of that is getting this summary written, and that is my only path to freedom, so let’s go.
You may remember that we left off last issue with the Inners and Outers about to kick each other’s asses and how that was kind of interesting. That was my mistake, and the manga quickly corrected itself. This issue opens with Usagi saying “Guyyysssss, c’moooon, stooopppp”, and they do, and that’s the end of that. Usagi is now Super Sailor Moon, you see, and if you don’t, the manga will remind you of this four times in two pages, I only wish I were joking.
Brief interlude with the Death Busters, where they DON’T say “Super Sailor Moon?!” but you know they’re thinking it. Usagi kills the last two mini-bosses, and Kaolinite swears it’s her turn next, and oh, you know she is so correct about that.
Hotaru has a migraine and is evil. As a sufferer of migraines, that seems legit.
Usagi talks about how everyone gave her their power and blah blah, you’ve heard it before. The Outers marvel at how their Talismans are so awesome, AND THIS LEADS ME DIRECTLY TO ONE OF MY BIGGEST COMPLAINTS WITH THIS ISSUE: The Outers functionally do NOTHING throughout this. It’s painfully clear that their Talismans are the ones making all the significant decisions, and it bugs the piss out of me. We’ve been heading that way for a while now with how firmly wrapped the manga’s lips are around the ginzuishou’s dick, but the anime got a little slavish about it at times too, so I haven’t said much. But this shit with the Talismans seems to go out of its way to take agency away from the Outers, by which I of course mean Haruka because this is actually a step up for poor Pluto, and Michiru is also there.
LITERALLY MICHIRU’S TALISMAN HAS MORE INPUT THAN SHE DOES
MICHIRU IS BEING OUT-CHARACTERIZED BY A MIRROR FOLKS
The Senshi fly around a bit, that being something they can just do sometimes, and the Outers strike up a conversation about the destruction of the Silver Millennium all the brutal deaths of everyone in their past lives. You know, as you do.
THEY WERE FORBIDDEN TO LEAVE THE ZONES THEY WERE ASSIGNED TO PROTECT
THEY SAY THIS AND THEN ONE PAGE LATER:
SO YOU SAW EVERYONE DYING AND DIDN’T GET OFF YOUR ASSES BECAUSE IT WAS MORE IMPORTANT TO STAY WHERE YOU FUCKING WERE BUT YOUR SWORD TELLS YOU TO GO GET BRUNCH AND OFF YOU FUCK
INCLUDING PLUTO WHO THOUSANDS OF YEARS LATER IS STILL “oh no I can’t leave the time gate ever not ever it is tabooooooo” THIS IS SUCH ARBITRARY LAZY BULLSHIT AND I’M SO ANGRY ABOUT IT
Also ps: when the Outers get together, they summon Saturn, and she destroys everything. So I’m going to offer an idea that I know is kind of out there, bear with me for a second, but have you considered MAYBE DON’T FUCKING GET TOGETHER.
STAY THE FUCK HOME THEN WATCH SOAP OPERAS AND EAT TOTINOS
The even have the nerve to have this in tiny print off to the fucking side of the page:
DID YOU CONSIDER MAYBE NOT RIDING AROUND WAVING THEM IN THE COCKPIT OF YOUR PRIVATE FUCKING HELICOPTER THEN I DON’T KNOW THAT JUST SEEMS INTENSELY IRRESPONSIBLE TO ME
LOOK YOU CAN’T SAY YOU “UNFORTUNATELY” GATHERED TOGETHER WHEN TWO OF YOU HAVE BEEN BONING IN YOUR FREE TIME **
“UNFORTUNATELY GATHERING TOGETHER” IS EVERYONE ACCIDENTALLY SHOWING UP AT THE SAME DAIRY QUEEN NOT ADOPTING A HELICOPTER AND MAKING OUT IN IT ON YOUR WAY TO THE EVIL SCHOOL YOU’RE BOTH INFULTRATING
YOU CAN’T FINGER EACH OTHER AND SAY “OOPS SORRY ABOUT THAT GATHERING TOGETHER THAT WAS UNFORTUNATE”
(**) By “two of you” I of course mean anime Haruka and Michiru, not manga Haruka and the cardboard cutout of the Babadook.
The Outers go on to blame Hotaru for all this, which is frankly amazing, and say that they’re going to kill her before she can become Saturn. Chibs (or maybe it’s Usagi, I neither know nor care) has an emotional reaction to this:
And this was all I could think.
That musical interlude over, the Outers are determined to murder, and so they pull their usual “WE CANNOT BE ALLIES” shit and teleport away, or maybe fly, it’s anybody’s guess. Whatever method they use, and despite their five minutes head start, they’re beaten to Hotaru’s house by a ten-year old on foot, and I hope they’re incredibly embarrassed about that.
Too late! Hotaru’s already evil! She grabs Chibs’ ginzuishou and Chibi-Usa instantly dies. It’s not broken! The locket isn’t even opened. It’s just moved five feet away, and bam, she’s dead. I have to say this feels like a pretty serious design flaw.
Hotaru’s hair spontaneously grows, which we all know is the true power of the ginzuishou, and now she’s Mistress 9. With manga Hotaru apparently being an android Because Reasons, all I can think is that we could have avoided a lot of problems if someone had just installed an anti-virus on Hotaru. BY THE TIME YOU NEED ONE IT’S TOO LATE KIDS PRACTICE SAFE COMPUTING