carth who wins: you look, you’re going to argue with this guy no matter what happens. might as well have it out and get it over with. he’ll feel better once you’ve both shouted at each other, and you won’t have to deal with him giving you suspicious looks all the time. it’s a win-win. unless you have an unknown secret
who wins: mission why the fuck would you fight mission. even if you were evil enough to do it, the girl’s got a wookie for a best friend. there’s no way it ends well for you.
zaalbar who wins: zaalbar he’s a fucking wookie
bastila who wins: you
you might be able to defeat bastila in a straight fight, but it’s risky. what you can definitely do, on the other hand, is lob insults at her until she loses her temper, then steal her lightsaber and run away. this counts as a win, as she’s far too dignified to punch you in the face to get it back.
canderous who wins: canderous this dude is like 800 in mandalorian years. he is the epitome of bamf. that said, if you put up even a semblance of a decent fight and have some good quips, he’ll probably think you’re funny and buy you a drink with no hard feelings.
t3-m4 who wins: you, but not for long you could probably take t3. you could not take whoever is charged with protecting t3 while it hacks things. safer to avoid.
hk-47 who wins: hk not only will hk destroy you, he’ll be absolutely delighted to do so, and the last thing you hear in your life will be him gleefully mocking your meatbag incompetence. again, safer to avoid.
jolee who wins: jolee the dude lived on the surface of kashyyyk for twenty years. he’s seen it all, and he doesn’t give a shit. plus, once you lose to him, he’s gonna sit your ass down and tell you a story, and since that’s probably why you wanted to fight him to begin with, there’s literally no point in trying.
revan who wins: hahhahahha aaahhhahahahahahhaha hah ha
Zaalbar, who noticed an empty food packet instead of the stowaway who ate it. Jolee, who argued with a computer 152 times out of boredom. Carth, who tried to shoot the Dark Lord Of The Sith with a blaster pistol. Bastila, who Force-pushed a pubescent girl for getting lippy. Mission, who snuck past rancor monsters for fun. HK-47, who referred to the Dark Lord Of The Sith as ‘meatbag’. T3-M4, who never used more than ten different letters of the alphabet. Canderous, who picked a fight with a grieving famer. Juhani, who thought these dorks would be good role-models.
Even though it’s no longer truly canon, I like to headcanon that KotOR is something like a legend or folk tale everyone knows. Accounts vary regarding whether Revan was a man or a woman, dark side or light side personality, or whether they are a Jedi or Sith in the end. It probably never happened, but that in no way diminished its significance.
Revan was the platonic example of a Jedi hero for Anakin, and Anakin requested more bedtime stories about him than Shmi even knew, so she had to make some up herself. Anakin never even knew there was a dark side version of the story until he started hanging out with Palpatine.
Obi-Wan and the rest of the Jedi order knew what was the “official” “canon” version: male Revan, Light Side all the way through. They conspicuously left out the romance bits though. Anakin got in more than a few arguments with other Padawans over the issue.
Padme best knew the story from when she studied it in an ethics class in school on Naboo. In the version she studied, Revan had a mixed light and dark side morality, and in the end chose the light side though the dark side was available. Padme often referenced the insight she gained from it in her career.
Luke heard the Dark Side version from Uncle Owen, as was popular among parents teaching kids about the dangerous Jedi and Sith that oppressed the regular people in the olden days. Luke was a smart kid, though, and quickly discovered other versions, eventually accepting Revan as a compelling, conflicted character. He always wondered why none of the versions have her hooking up with Juhani, though.
Leia grew up insisting female Revan was the only Revan, especially when stupid boys tried to argue otherwise.
Han knew it was a dumb made up story for babies ever since he was 13, so who even cares? He did kind of like the saucy parts with the sexy, authoritative, smartass Jedi lady, though. He never made the connection that some of the smuggler’s slang he used like “Pulling a Bindo,” “A Nord on your Tail,” or “Ordo’s Gambit” originated from that story.
Rey always knew the story. She knows it from long ago, where exactly, she can’t remember. Someone read it to her, but she can’t remember the details, and the version gets muddied with other variations she picked up here and there. When she was a little girl she thought Mission was the coolest character in the universe and went through a phase where she called people “Big [first initial].” It got old fast.
Finn read the Dark Side Revan version in young trooper training. Parts of the story didn’t make sense to him and he tried asking his instructor about it, and he was docked a grade. His mind is blown when he discovers the version they have at the Resistance base.
The Resistance kids had an Ebon Hawk playhouse, and they would pretend to go on adventures as its crew. Poe was always Carth because he was the pilot. Ben always wanted to be Revan, but he was smaller than the others so he had to be T3-M4. Plus, everybody knew Revan was a girl.
A family can be a daughter, a dad, an older sister/mom, a sassy grandpa, an unwashed dog, a buff cat, a gun-crazy uncle, a murderbot, a rhoomba, and an indeterminately-gendered masked weirdo who may be waiting for an opportunity to kill half of them.
This game believes strongly in introducing plot points by knocking you out and dragging you to them.
THIS TIME on kotor 2- we spent an eternity on Nar Shadaa, slandered Revan a whole lot, picked up a reject from either a shounen manga OR an 80s dystopia movie, I haven’t decided yet, and we found out that T3-M4 is a fuckin BEAST.
In other news, Kreia is still the objective worst, EVERYONE has double standards when it comes to invasive questioning and we’ve encountered a delightful ongoing glitch wherein everyone swaps back and forth between pronouns for Revan, sometimes within the same few sentences.