I loved this one.
11. “I never stood a chance, did I?” “That’s the sad part- you did once.”
I go to see him when I come out of hiding after the massacre at El Rico. When I knock at the door I hear muffled conversation and a light female giggle. I nearly turn around but I summon up my courage and stay in place.
After a beat a smiling, mussed, and distracted Agent Scully answers the door wearing pajama pants and a wrinkled dress shirt that could have swallowed her whole. The minute she sees me her smile disappears.
“Agent Scully.” I say in what I hope is an even voice, “Is Fox home?”
I like calling him by his first name around her because it sounds nearly intimate coming from me. He used to tell me all the time to call him Mulder but I would not. I knew it was his way of trying to distance me.
Somehow Scully has found her way around that and wormed her way into his heart.
Her face is stony as she looks at me. She opens her mouth to answer when Fox’s voice calls out from the other room.
“Scully what’s the hold up? I’m hungry. I worked up an-“ His voice cuts off when he walks into the entryway and sees me.
He is shirtless with sweatpants on and his hair is sticking up in all directions.
“Hello Fox.” I say again trying to keep emotion from my voice.
They exchange a look and during those few seconds I feel like I’ve ceased to exist to them. He walks up to her and squeezes her arm, giving her a gentle look.
She nods her head and gives me a hard look before vacating the area.
“What are you doing here?” He asks without a trace of warmth.
“I came to apologize.” I say and meeting his eyes trying to convey to him that I actually mean it, “You need to understand that to me this is real. I believe in this cause Fox. I’ve given up everything for it and at El Rico…. I really thought it was the end. And it would have been if I hadn’t escaped. I’m sorry I tried to drag you into it… I just can’t picture an eternity without you Fox.”
His eyes have, if possible, grown colder, “Given up everything for it? You betrayed humanity. You betrayed everything that I stand for. You worked with the people who took Samantha! The people who abducted Scully, gave her cancer, and killed her sister! The same people who killed my father! You! You worked with those people. People who were systematically trying to ruin my life and you helped them.”
I began to shake my head and he put up a hand.
“Don’t tell me you didn’t. I know the real reason you came here. It was to drive a wedge between Scully and I. Am I right?”
He is right. That is what my assignment was but I don’t want to admit it to him. Instead I look just past him into the living room where I see clothing marking a trail like bread crumbs on the floor leading to his bedroom. My heart clenches for a moment and I look back at my feet.
“That’s what I thought. What about this ‘cause’ made all of this worth it?”
“To save humanity Mulder!” I almost shout using his last name for the first time in quite a while, “Not humanity as it is now but the promise of a future!”
“So the ends justify the means then?”
“In this case yes. We sacrifice a few so that the human race can live on.”
“As fucking slaves to an alien race.” He spits out at me.
I have nothing to say to that.
“So you and she finally got together.” It’s not a question. A question would be stupid at this point in the face of all the evidence.
“It’s not really any of your business.” He says with narrowed eyes.
I nod. He’s right it isn’t my business. I feel tears burning my eyes.
“Fox I did come here for a specific mission that involved ruining your partnership. I won’t lie to you about that but I accepted the assignment because I missed you. I’ve never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever will stop loving you.”
He shakes his head incredulous, “You have an interesting way of showing love Diana. And should I remind you that you were the one who left me all those years ago?”
I nod still looking at the ground, “I know. But I just needed you to know how I feel. How I’ll always feel.”
His fingers were pinching the bridge of his nose and he looked at the floor saying nothing.
“I never stood a chance, did I?” I whisper trying to keep myself from choking over the lump in my throat.
He finally meets my eyes again but I don’t like what I see there: cold hard anger. “That’s the sad part- you did once.”
It’s amazing how one sentence can break a heart. This one broke mine.
As he began to close the door I feel the world falling apart. On my walk to my car and my drive home I recall all of my mistakes.
When I get home the phone rings. It’s the senior Spender. I stare at it for a few seconds before picking up.
“I have a new mission coming up. It’s going to be difficult to pull off and I will need your help.” His rough voice says in my ear.
He goes on to explain to me a plan that will hurt and possibly kill Fox. I stop for a moment before responding and recall his last words to me. I wonder if this is one of those moments where I can choose to do right by him.
But when the image of a smiling Agent Scully wearing his shirt comes to mind my heart hardens a little bit more.
“I will help you.”