The 15 Emotional Stages of Buying Harry Styles Tickets
Just stop your crying, have the time of your life.
1. Constant state of low-key misery brought on by not getting tickets the first time around. I’m really happy for all five of you that got tickets to the original tour, but I also wouldn’t be mad if you fell seriously ill and had to sell them to me. What’s that? Oh yes, you can definitely eat mayonnaise after it’s been left out in the sun for 36 hours.
2. Elation that Harry has added additional tour dates. This must be what it feels like to win the lottery, or at least trivia night when you’re playing against your nemesis who thinks you’re stupid for remembering how many Twilight movies there are. (Sorry bro, but you’re the idiot for not knowing the answer is five.)
3. Fear that they’re at even smaller venues than the original tour. I swear to god if he tries to do this at some 500-person club, I will take a lighter to my special-edition vinyl copy of Harry Styles and never look back.
4. Return of the elation when you realize it’s a stadium tour. Goddamn it, Harry, this is a real roller coaster! My emotions haven’t gotten this much of a workout since March 25, 2015. (If you have to ask what happened on that date, you will be denied entry at the door of each and every tour stop.)
5. Anxiety that will not abate until the on-sale date arrives. “Well, doctor, my symptoms are I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, and every time I see photos of Harry Styles, it feels like I’m having a heart attack.”
6. Unadulterated rage at Ticketmaster for implementing this insane Verified Fan program. So much for getting an American Express card just so I could participate in the American Express presale. This really feels like a personal attack.
7. Terror that you will not receive a Verified Fan code. What the hell does “randomly selected” mean, Ticketmaster? Is this sweatshirt I’m wearing of all Harry’s tattoos where they are on his body not verification enough for you?
8. Intense preparation the likes of which you have not undertaken since studying for your SATs. Code, copy and pasted. Credit cards, staged. Ticketmaster account, logged into. Boyfriend, enlisted to try for the other dates within public transit distance. All systems go!
9. More rage. Oh my god, so much rage. HOW? HOW, HARRY? HOW COULD THEY ALREADY BE SOLD OUT? IT’S BEEN 0.00001 SECOND. HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I LOVED YOU. IS WHAT WE HAD NOT REAL?
10. Denial that there could somehow be only one single ticket left in the entire arena. This thing seats 20,000 people, and you’re telling me there aren’t two seats left together in the entire building?
11. Acceptance that you will just have to buy that one ticket and sit alone. I’m a strong, independent woman who doesn’t need a concert buddy. Anyone who thinks it’s weird that a 30-year-old adult is sitting alone at a Harry Styles concert is obviously just jealous that they’re not brave enough to sit alone at a Harry Styles concert.
12. Annoyance at someone having the gall to text you during your Very Important Ticket Buying Session. The nerve. I am Very Busy right now and cannot be bothered, especially if this is you, Verizon, texting to say that I’m almost out of data. I fucking know, OK?
13. HOLY SHIT, IT’S TICKETMASTER SAYING HE’S ADDED ANOTHER DATE. Praise be to the most high Beyoncé (I assume this was her doing).
14. Prayer and reflection. “Dear Lord, I know I haven’t been to church since George W. Bush was in office, but I promise I’ll go back and never take Your name in vain again if You find me four tickets together, so I can sit with the whole crew.”
15. A feeling of deep satisfaction and peace. VICTORY IS MINE! See you in church on Sunday.