Why Every Stroke is Actually the Worst

Written by a swimmer

Butterfly: Honestly I shouldn’t even need to explain this but…it’s exhausting, your arms feel like noodles after 50m, you’re constantly hitting the lane line and/or other teammates with your arms, and if you want to take more breaths you have to take more strokes.

Backstroke: First of all, you always get water up your nose. How, you ask? This is the stroke where your face isn’t even underwater, so that’s impossible! Wrong! All the water splashing around you ends up in your face and it’s terrible. Also you can’t see in front of you so it’s easy to plow right into the lane line/the pool side/your teammates.

Breaststroke: Even though you’re swimming at a normal pace it feels like you’re going soooo slow. If you’re out of practice the motions also feel really unnatural sometimes. And circular leg strokes = kicking your teammates.

Freestyle: Pressure to be fast because it’s the easiest stroke. Plus, you get to breathe the least of all four because you can’t (well you can but you’re not supposed to because it’s slow) breathe each stroke.

MAJOR swimmer problems....

These definitely needed to be addressed.

•having to take a piss right before getting up on the block

•heaters broken

•wet swimsuits (oh gawd…)

•waking up at some ungodly hour all in the name of swimming

•the stench of chlorine is stuck to you. 24/7/365

•400 IMs

•tangled hair

•broken goggles

•broken swim caps

•faded/stretched suits

•getting water up your nose

•the 12 days of Christmas

•no breathers

•getting water in your lungs right when you need to breathe

•tired all day afterward

•swim life = no life

•holiday practices

•going to a competition and the water is colder than a witch’s tit

Compliments swimmers will never get. And if they do, they are blessed…
•”Your hair looks great!”

•”You smell really good!”

me at swim practice
  • me: wait, what are we doing
  • me: oh, distance butterfly sets, yay!
  • me: oh shit there's the wall better do a flip turn
  • me: oh wait im doing butterfly
  • me: that was the shittiest butterfly turn ive ever done
  • me: coach is going to yell at me
  • me: what
  • me: i should not have eaten that sandwich before practice
  • me: oh my god im going to throw up
  • me: false alarm
  • coach: *muffled yelling*
  • me: wait what?!
  • me: oh he's not talking to me
  • me: just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming,swimming
  • me: i love that movie
  • me: i want to go home
  • me: my arm hurts
  • me: oh yay, 100x100s
  • me: oh my god, i have 99 more of these to do
  • me: and flip and push off the wall and streamline
  • me: ready set breathe
  • me: fuck i just inhaled water
  • me: ok i should think of a motivational song
  • me: weeeeeeeeeeeeee are never, ever, ever, getting back together!
  • me: shit no i hate you taylor swift you bitch get your whiny ass music away from me
  • me: ok, um
  • me: dammit i just forgot every song that ive ever heard in my entire life
  • me: oh, flipturn!
  • me: ow, fuck, just kneed myself in the face
  • me: yes alright here's my favorite song
  • me: what's the next line
  • me: ow just ran into the lane line
  • me: um, excuse me bitch, if you wish to pass me, tap my feet and i'll move over. do not grab my ankle and pull me down like a fucking carnivorous siren from those greek myths. bitch
  • me: oh just got lapped
  • me: look how many fucks i do not give
  • me: im hungry
  • me: what time is it
  • me: im probably sweating really hard right now
  • me: ow, just got kicked by someone in the other lane
  • me: whoops, sorry, didnt mean to touch you there, i swear
  • me: oh my god are we done
  • me: praise the lord
  • me: adios until tomorrow, bitches
The Zodiac as Swimmers
  • Aries: the one who sprints warm-up and also drowns you with their kick splash
  • Taurus: the one who enforces the wait-5-seconds rule and keeps track of the intervals
  • Gemini: the one who always gets out to go to the bathroom just as you begin the main set
  • Cancer: the one who can't stay in a straight line while doing backstroke
  • Leo: the one with the obnoxious sparkly gold zebra suit
  • Virgo: the one whose bag is neatly packed with everything - anti-fog spray, extra caps/goggles, eardrops, etc
  • Libra: the one who's well-balanced at all the strokes and actually has a choice in a "choice" set
  • Scorpio: the one who actually likes it when the pool is freezing
  • Sagittarius: the one who claims they only swim sprint
  • Capricorn: the one who aggravatingly knows how to pace every interval
  • Aquarius: the one who can slack at practice but swim really fast at their meets
  • Pisces: the one who's always the first into the pool and the last out of it
  • [http: //www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/the-swimming-blog/2014/apr/01/star-sign-affects-swimming-ability]
Me At Swim Practice
  • Me: I LOVE the smell of chlorine
  • me: it's kinda hot in here
  • me: i don't want to change
  • me: now im cold
  • me: ohhhh cold suit....COLD SUIT
  • me: i really should have hung my suit up last night....
  • me: drag? NOT doing that today
  • me: *brain enters routine mode and puts on drag* welp...looks like i am wearing drag today...
  • me: that water looks cold
  • me: i dont want to get in
  • me: time to pretend like my goggles are being difficult
  • me: lets look at the warm up to kill time
  • me: 200IM.....hmmm dont wanna do that
  • me: wait why is everyone else actually getting in
  • me: what the hell we had an agreement
  • me: come on guys i thought we were protesting
  • me: well i suppose i should probably get in now....
  • me: maybe the water isnt that cold
  • me: okayokay sprint this first 100 and maybe i'll warm up a bit
  • me: wait guys, we ARE protesting?
  • me: i hate you all
  • me: distance set.....no
  • me: i hate swimming
  • me: oh my god i cant breathe
  • me: i think im dying
  • me: oh shit,.....fly set
  • me: what? practice is already over? but....i wanna keep swimming
  • me: oh my gosh its too cold
  • me: why the hell do i swim
  • me: god fucking dammit....