sweet jesus on a stick can i be that girl

Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Starters

02x05 - Kimmy Gives Up!

  • Oh, you don’t know Living Single, but I’m supposed to know everything about Frasier?
  • Good news, your crash course in the Great American Songbook starts immediately and lasts forever!
  • I mean, that’s 78¢ down the drain.
  • Without blue, my whole weekly rotation is off. I can’t wear a green scrunchie on Thursday. Everyone will think I’m horny.
  • Tougher than keeping hope alive in a bunker where the end of your braid is your toothbrush and your best friend?
  • He’s usually much more of a someone else’s problem than this.
  • Hey, door. What’s up? Cool, cool. You ever miss being a tree? Yeah, I get that.
  • It smells like Salon Selectives and silverfish poison?
  • It’s fine if you threw it out, you just owe me 78¢.
  • And I’ll pay you when I have that kind of money lying around.
  • So make a fake photo album. In my experience, if someone has good pictures and a glue stick, they can make it look like they dunked on Jesus, and some girls will believe it, for, like, 15 years.
  • I’m like a biscotti. People act like I’m this sweet cookie, but I’m really this super hard thing that nobody knows what I am or why I am.
  • Hey, other robot guys, let’s go save the sun or whatever.
  • Oh, no. Now I’ll have to lie down and be left alone.
  • Are you listing things at me?
  • I’ve always had help from someone: a nanny or a driver or an iPad taped to a bag of sugar.
  • I don’t know how to do this. What if it poops?
  • He loves the big slide at 66th Street ‘cause sometimes nannies fall down it.
  • ♪ Stoop Crone, no loitering please. Stoop Crone, you’re kind of a skeeze. ♪
  • It’s from Rodgers and Hammerstein’s Croon, Crone, Croon! Which was eventually reworked into The Sound of Music.
  • Don’t be disgusting, (name). It’s from Daddy’s Boy, an innocent musical about a father’s love for his infant son.
  • You’re dating a nice boy, your one-man show went good, and you got a free piano. This is the best your life has ever gone.
  • ♪ This is just an ordinary day. I’m just an ordinary gay. Which is why I’m talking to you in such an ordinary way. ♪
  • ♪ I am dancing away from you, I am prancing away from you ♪
  • I was finally able to finish my tell-all book about my boss. It’s called Sippy Cup Rosé and it’s gonna have a shoe on the cover.
  • I know you haven’t been studying because I found your GED books coated with a day’s worth of asbestos.
  • Also, try not to breathe in here too much from now on and before.
  • If all this is about helping (name), then how come your bookmark is this? It’s all right here in your MASH. Apparently you’re gonna live in a shack, drive a Porsche, honeymoon at FAO Schwarz, all with your husband (name).
  • How does the Kool-Aid Man do this?
  • So I waited for years in a tiny Murray Hill apartment, not a pot to piss in.
  • I know you’re tough and you never give up. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is just quit and walk away.
  • Sorry, but giving up isn’t my jam. My jams are grape, jock, and space.
  • ♪ You do not define me, Richard, I cannot be owned. And if I had my way, Richard, I would die alone. Eaten by birds. Digested by birds. Shat out by birds. Alone. ♪
  • When I was singing before, it didn’t even occur to me that I was happy. I thought it was just gas coming out in a weird way.
  • Happiness is fleeting, (name), and you fleeted it!
  • I did it. I’m like a female Mr. Mom.
  • See what happens when you don’t give up hope? Anything is possible! We should start a band!
  • I know you were frozen in ice for ten years or whatever…
  • So great, in fact, I’ll go to the drugstore myself, despite the fact the last time I was in a drugstore was in 2004, and an employee named LaDonica said to me, “Bitch, I don’t know your life.”
  • So your wife disappeared. It’s just you and no wife right now?
  • Yes. We are both thinking about not giving up in the exact same way right now.
  • Who knows you better than I do? We finish each other’s senten… ces.
  • And wow, this is weird, but I already have an album full of pictures of us.
  • Me? Your wife thinks she’s hooking up with Neptune!
  • (Name), I guess I’ll just see you when you have that 78¢ for my scrunchie. You can bring it by whenever.
  • I’ll let you know how it goes, maybe give you some answers. Abraham Lincoln, potassium, four… that kind of stuff.
  • You’re not a gown at all, you monster!
  • Puppy-naming section, go! Dexter, Patches, Reggie! Skip it and come back. Ginger, Winston, Beemer!
  • I don’t go to where you work and tell you to wake me up.
  • Give the mannequin its arm back.
  • I just… I don’t like giving up on stuff. I still want Nickelodeon to take over my school.
  • You’re like one of those ladies who go to Montreal, and then, suddenly, everything is about Montreal.
  • (Name), the sooner you quit something that stinks, the sooner you can find something that doesn’t. Save your hope for that.
  • Maybe you’ll marry (name), maybe you’ll break up. Maybe you’ll live together for decades, but then he’ll die first of an awful brain disease.
  • Is that from Gangly Orphan Jeff, the ill-fated musical that opened six days after Annie?
  • ♪ Keep a dream in your heart and you’ll never ever, want for more. Unless you’re in a knife fight. ♪
  • ♪ Spit in the eye of the folks who can’t stop laughing, at the stupid things you’ve done. ♪