swarm of bats

Morrison vampire stuff

Some Morrison worldbuilding tidbits for you:

  • vampires getting super invested in nutrition so they know how to take care of their humans, and then being horrified at what humans will actually consume:
    • three-day-old coffee
    • twenty piece chicken nuggets
    • one (1) granola bar as a meal
    • their own fingernails
  • humans lying about what they eat:
    • “How do pop rocks even work?”
      “They’re made of tiny larvae that explode when they come into contact with human saliva.”
      “… That can’t be real.”
  • the constant exasperated repitions of “human stuff” or “vampire stuff” whenever they don’t understand each other
  • humans dabbing garlic on their pulse points when they’re pissed
    • “C’mon, I’m starving, why are you like this?”
      “Are you sorry?”
      “What’s the magic word, Clarence?”
  • vampires that forget humans are delicate and accidentally hurt them
  • humans that act like wounded dogs over minor injuries just to watch vampires fall over themselves apologizing
  • vampires exaggerating time for comedic effect:
    • “I haven’t heard this song in forty years”
      “This came out in 2004″
      “It’s been forty years. I have aged.”
      “You literally have not.”
    • “When was the last time you did any laundry?”
      “Fuck you.”
  • telling vampires to “go back to your coffin” when they’re grumpy
  • humans constantly asking “how did they do this in your day?” about every single daily task
  • vampires who hoard tools and appliances from the time period they most enjoyed
  • young vampires flipping off the sun and screaming at it about evolution
    • old vampires who pull their collars up and frown behind their sunglasses
  • erroneous threats based on abilities no vampire actually has:
    • “I’m gonna show up to your wedding as a swarm of bats and shit on the cake”

So, Here’s an official reference sheet for my cuphead oc, Vlad Squidilius! He is a vampire squid and probably resides in some secluded castle. I imagine he has a typical vampire voice, you know, that voice

He’s a very spooky boy, yes. I wanna animate him so bad!! He probably sold his soul for vampire teeths, what a fool. 

One of his attacks would be releasing a whole bunch-o-bats from his cloak. Another idea is pulling a squid from his cloak(not pictured) and spraying ink. He transforms into his final phase when a swarm of bats surround him, and then he turns into this weird bat-squid hybrid, which is pretty cool. His final form is partially inspired by Gary Baseman’s art! 

Hope y’all enjoy Vlad fanart would be soooo so so nice

You Can Count On Me

For Friday 13th I wanted to write something different than the usual boys. So I hope you guys don’t mind me throwing these guys around. And I hope you all like a little Vampire story-telling.

It’s not scary but I wanted to write something different for a change.

Originally posted by animegifstrash

The instant you stepped off the train and into the darkening streets, you knew it had been a bad idea to come home at this time. Even Dark, upon getting your text messages scolded you fiercely for the decision. 
“You are aware of what day it is, yes?” His growl of a voice vibrated through the phone’s speaker. You sheepishly nodded, even though you knew Dark wouldn’t see it. 
“Yes, yes, Friday the 13th. I’m aware. I’ll speed walk home, it won’t take long.” 
“The Manor is at least six blocks away from the train station, (y/n). And you need to walk through the side streets to get here. No, stay there and I’ll come and get you.” Dark’s voice held no room for an argument. But you were already two blocks away from the station. And upon hearing his, Dark grunted. A noise that sounded between a heavy sigh and a feral growl. “Fine. If you are so intent on getting yourself killed then I have no voice in your decision.” 
You rolled your eyes at Dark’s dramatics. He always complained about Wilford’s exaggerations and then he goes and says things like that. The two could rival one another on theatrics. But you knew he was only getting irritated, and dare you say concerned, about you walking home at night. While you’ve been away, there had been string of murders in the area. And the very thought had you walking a little faster when you remembered Google’s explanation on the gory details. Something you had asked him for over the phone while on your holiday. You didn’t learn quickly enough to be careful what you ask of Google. The Android didn’t know how to filter details. 
“I’ll be ok. My battery is dying so I need to go. But I’ll call you when I’m close.” You said and Dark made another exasperated sigh. 
“You better. And if you take too long, we’re all going out to look for you. And you won’t like it if I find you first, (y/n).” 
“I know. Trust me, I won’t be stopping to pet any stray animals. I’ll see you soon.” You hung up after that remark. Pocketing your phone but keeping a tight grip on it.

Every shadow seemed to mock you as you walked. The lights were a lot dimmer than you remember. But then again, it was cloudy night. The full moon was peeking through the rain clouds to cast it’s silver glow over the streets. It was eerie. But you were glad for the luminescence.
You turned a corner and halted your steps for a moment. A man stood in the centre of the street. He was thin, facing away from you. But the shadows from the very dim street lights cast a shadow over him. Making him appear to be a shadow himself. You didn’t know whether you should turn back around or keep walking. But your decision was made when you blinked and the figure disappeared. You stayed there for a moment, looking around for the man, but continued walking when you found no-one. Your skin crawled with a shiver and you couldn’t help but survey the area around you. There was a sensation on your back, like a pressure. You knew this feeling from living with the Ipliers for so long. 
You were being watched. 
Your footsteps sped up. Gripping your phone tightly you deeply regretted not accepting Dark’s offer to pick you up. A sound carried on the wind. A giggle. Or a high pitched cackle. You weren’t sure, but it unnerved you and soon enough you sped up to a jog. You were about to turn a corner when something snagged your elbow and jerked you into the shadows of a building. A figure loomed over you. Reeking of a metallic scent and their grip soaked your jacket with some kind of warm liquid. Through the gloom, your gaze was transfixed by the stranger’s. They were warm and pools of sparkling emeralds. You couldn’t tear your eyes away from them. They were beautiful. Even as a clawed hand skimmed under the material of your shirt or as the man’s tongue dashed out to taste your skin, you were stuck. Staring into those green gems. 
“Yer not gonna scream for me.” The man’s Irish accent was thick, but it was snatched up by the rumble that radiated off his chest. “And yer gonna stay still while I treat myself.” 
You found your head bobbing on it’s own. Even as your eyes widen when the man leaned down, you didn’t fight his lips brushing over your neck. Your mind willed for him to stop, but your body molded into his as he drew you closer. 

“Release them. Now.” Another voice boomed and suddenly the green-eyed man was thrown away from you. The haze lifted and you stumbled back. Straight into a pair of arms that cradled you against a firm chest. You shook your head to get rid of the fog in your mind, looking up as a monster rushed towards you. In a blur of movement, you were swept into your rescuers arms and soaring into the air. You were set down on the roof of the building as the man landed on it. He barely made a noise as he did and you turned to him. Backing away when the moon’s glow lit his face. 
“D-Dark?” You asked. But it wasn’t him, something was off about his gaze. His complexion sharing that hint of difference to Mark’s appearance. 
“I’m afraid not, my dear. But introductions will have to wait.” His voice held a hint of Transylvanian accent. Like the ones in movies. The man moved you behind him, keeping his arm raised as something crawled over the side of the building and onto the roof. 
Anti… No. Again, the resemblance to the Youtuber was almost identical. Save for the glowing green eyes, that seemed to swirl in their sockets. Like small colored vortex’s. 
“I told you this was my hunting ground, Count.” A hiss of a voice echoed over the roof to you. “That mortal is mine.” 
“They are beginning to suspect you, Marquess.” The man, Count, said in a calm but firm tone. “And we never agreed on hunting grounds. This is my land by right. My brethren live in this area. If you do not stop they will come after you.” 
The other man, Marquess, moved forward. His steps graceful and light, like a dancer. 
“I do not care for brethren like you do, Count Iplier.  Or else I would have scurried to my “kin” as you call them, long ago.” Marquess stepped closer. And Count moved you back. The cloak of his outfit brushed against your skin and you felt a chill run through you. Had that just moved against you? 
“I won’t say again, Marquess Septiceye, leave this area. Before you make me do something I do not want to do.” There was an undertone to Count’s voice. It reminded you of Dark, when he was beginning to lose control of his shell. But this man didn’t seem to be getting angry, only impatient. And even so, he showed no emotion but a small crinkle around his gaze. 

“Then battle me, Count. Let’s fight for these bloodbags.” Marquess leapt into a sprint before he finished speaking. He left a cloud of dust in his wake and you barely saw him move before Count had him by the throat, and threw him into the ground. His cloak exploded and rose high above Count. Looming over him like a beast as he bared two fang like canines at the fallen man. 
“I do not want to battle you. Purely for the sake of keeping this human from seeing our true faces. This one is under my protection. I will not let a dear friend to the Iplier Manor fall victim to rabble like you!” 
The shadow beast crashed down on the Septic Ego and then lifted off into the sky. It left it’s master on the roof but carried Marquess high into the air before erupting into what appeared to be hundreds of small bats. 
Count turned to you as the sound of the other man’s crying filled the night sky. 
“My apologies, my dear. If I had known you were arriving tonight, I would have escorted you home myself.” 
You were unable to speak. Your eyes widening further as the swarm of bats dived down to gather around Count’s back. Reforming his cloak just as the other Ego plummeted into the alley beside the building. You didn’t hear a splat or a cry of pain, so you could only suspect that the man had landed neatly and ran off. 
But your guess was shattered when a green cloud of crackling vapor shot into the air and dived towards you. You saw a misty form of reaching claws and eyes that glowed brighter than lightening as the mist raced towards you. 
Suddenly you were enveloped in a chilling cloud of black as Count flew his cloak around you. It was like being wrapped in a thick furry blanket, but it was as cold as ice. It shook as the vapor struck it. A screech of fury from the other being could be heard and then a bellowing roar filled the air as Count spun, swiping at Marquess as he formed flesh. Black claws raked down the Septiceye’s chest and he reeled back as Count charged forward. His eyes ablaze with a deep pink brillance. The same swirling vortex sight filling his iris’. 
“Leave, Marquess. Or I will make sure your coffin stays shut forever!” Count bellowed. The air shaking with his voice. 
Marquess hissed and disappeared over the side of the building. You stayed silent for what felt like an eternity. Waiting for the Septic-Ego to come back. It was only when Count turned to you, his eyes had returned to normal. But you could see the tips of his fangs poking out from beneath his lips. 
“Excuse my indecency. That creature brings out the worse in me.” Count said. His voice careful but smooth. It reminded you of Dark when he was trying to coax you into calming down. 
“I…I’m sorry, I’m kinda of in shock right now. Who are you?” You forced the words out so you weren’t standing there like a fish gasping for air. Count smiled patiently and nodded, bowing and sweeping his arm in a gracious curtsy. 
“I am Count Iplier, my dear. And I must apologize again for my ignorance. It is true I have yet to make myself known to the rest of my kin. But I know all about you and the other Ipliers. I wanted to know if this…Manor was of my tastes and I had to investigate it. And I must say, my kin aren’t exactly…. altogether.” 

You couldn’t help but chuckle. Nodding in agreement. “They’re a bunch of strange men. Who are probably out hunting for me right now.” You quickly checked your phone and cursed quietly. You should have at least reached the Manor’s security border by now. Google would have seen you on the cameras and no doubt would have sent Dark out to escort you the rest of the way. Count looked off into the distance. His eyes narrowing a little and he offers you a gloved hand. 
“Perhaps it is time for me to introduce myself to the rest of my brothers. Would you like assistance getting off this roof, my dear?” He asked, as casually as you would when asking someone if they wanted a glass of water. You rolled your eyes, already seeing the resemblance between this man and the others. You took the offered hand, the leather rather cold against your skin, and the man pulled you tightly against his side. Count guided you to the edge of the roof, holding you steady when you wobbled from looking down, and then dropped. 
You yelped loudly, but Count was careful to hold you so he landed first and could soften you fall by lowering you gently to the floor. 

Dark heard the yelp echo through the streets and made a beeline for you. He stalked through the shadows, coming into the street just as you did. His snarl was beyond furious and you backed up a little when he closed in. 
“I gave you a fair warning to what will happen if you take your time-” But Dark’s threat was cut off by Count stepping out of the shadows. The two regarded each other for a long, tense moment. And you could practically feel the air between them ripple with suspicion. 
“I take it you are the cause of all these deaths.” Dark’s tone returned to it’s natural calm drawl. And the Count nodded. 
“A few. But the real culprit is Marquess Septiceye. Another Vampire Ego. I’d suggest retreating the others to the Manor. He’s been feasting for three days. He’s strong if you’re caught in single combat.” Count replied in an equally cool tone. You dearly hoped these two kept on good terms. You knew how younger Egos weren’t as strong as the popular, older Egos. But you had a feeling that Count was a threat in his own right. Being a….Vampire. 
Your thoughts were scattered when Dark’s firm gaze turned back on you. 
“We aren’t done. But I will save your scolding when we get home.” Dark took a firm hold of your elbow and went to drag you behind him when he quickly spun back around. 
His fingers came away wet with red liquid, and he quickly removed your jacket to inspect the area. 
“Marquess had recently fed.” Count informed Dark, as the Ego withdrew his hands and returned your jacket upon seeing no injury. “He is covered in blood. You will smell him before you see him.” 
You didn’t want to put the jacket back on. The red stain sickened you. And now you could feel the blood sticking to your arm that had soaked through your coat. Count seemed to sense your unease and took the jacket from you. His eyes strayed on the stain for a second longer than was necessary. But he nodded to you, trailing along behind you and Dark as the older Ego led the way home.

The Trickle Chamber

** Thank you to @superwholockmtg for pointing out that tiles 5 and 6 of the top row are switched around in the photo! **

Deep underground, our intrepid adventurers explore a network of caverns carved through bedrock by a long forgotten civilisation.
Upon entering one chamber, they see a large stone grid on the floor, roughly twenty feet by ten in size. There are two doors leading into this room: the one they entered through, and another leading out (sealed by a perfectly smooth stone slab).

Upon one square of the grid is a short stone pillar, one foot high. Affixed to the top of this is a shallow, carved stone basin, filled with an ethereal and intangible liquid which glows faintly in the darkness of the cavern. The basin has a hole in one side, and the liquid is trickling out, vanishing as it falls. The source is not depleted.
An adjacent square bears a similar (but empty) basin at ground level, with an inlet on one side which points in the opposite direction to the outlet of the raised basin. Neither basin can be lifted or rotated.

The other thirty squares of the grid are covered with stone tiles. Each of these has a strangely shaped carving: shallow channels which crisscross each tile.

If a character attempts to catch the mysterious liquid in their hands, it feels incredibly heavy but vanishes almost instantly on contact. It is immune to magical interaction.

Inspection of the tiles reveals that they are mounted on an ingenious gear system carved from marble. Each tile can be rotated through 360 degrees, given that all other tiles are currently aligned. They are quite heavy and require a strength score of 12 to move one. Each character can turn one tile per turn as an action.
As soon as a character rotates any of the tiles, a stone door falls into place, blocking the way back out. It is impenetrable and resistant to magic.

From this moment onwards, a swarm of 1d4 carnivorous bats enters the chamber every 24 seconds (4 turns), through a small hole in the lofty stone ceiling.

Once a circuit of channels linking the raised basin to the lower one is completed, the glowing liquid flows along the path, draining from one bowl to the other. When the second bowl is filled, the weight of the magical liquid activates a hidden mechanism, raising the door which leads deeper into the caverns.

Context: We (A Warlock (me), A fighter, a ranger, and a bard) had just emerged from a long cave system back into open sky to find dawn breaking. In the distance we see a fuzzy black cloud approaching

GM: Ok so a swarm of bats happens to be attempting to enter the cave you just left, and -rolls behind sheet- they didn’t get anything to eat last night, so guess who’s on the menu…

Fighter: don’t worry, I got this -unsheathes massive greatsword- 

Fighter (OOC): So I could technically target an individual member of a swarm right

DM:….I…-proceeds to read swarm rules for 10 minutes-…uhh….yes but it wouldn’t really do anything

Fighter, with mischievous grin: I attack the closest bat to me -rolls not a 1-

DM: You hit. It dies

Fighter: Awesome. Now I’m gonna great cleave


Fighter: -proceeds to great cleave all 56 bats in the swarm over the course of several minutes of rolls, somehow not rolling a 1-

Bard: My god how did you do that

Fighter: I learned that in the great mosquito plague of ‘89

-entire table proceeds to lose their shit laughing-

The Crimean Crow

During the Crimean War (1854-1856) a creature (or creatures) was spotted on March 15th during a 24 hour truce between Russian and Turkish forces. The truce was only called because of superstitions associated with the “Ides of March” (historical significance: the day Brutus and 60 others assassinated Julius Caesar.) A short time after midnight several men were shot approaching a Russian camp, there are two accounts of what led those men to walk/run into the Russian camp. According to a survivor, he was apart of a squad of 5 Russian soldiers going to ambush the Turkish once the truce was lifted at midnight. When the group reached the halfway point the skies allegedly blackened and the men became distracted by a large creature that was described as a headless crow. One person in the group had to force the group to continue but by that point they had become disoriented and began to head back to their camp. Now this is the part of the story that differentiates between the two accounts. In one account the soldiers were mistaken for enemies forces and shot by guards on duty with only one surviver while in another account the guards shot five enemy Turkish troops fleeing towards their camp away from a swarm of bats. Some people believe this to be the earliest known sighting of a Mothman type creature.


Species: Vampire

Age: unknown

Orientation: bisexual ☽ demiromantic

Height: 6′ 2″

☽ “disguises,” meaning he can become a bat, or a swarm of bats, turn into mist/fog, or a demon-like creature ☽ he hates the noise the kids make in the afternoon since he’s still sleeping at that time ☽ likes the sounds of screaming humans while under his lair (means that the kids are doing what they always do) ☽ has guarded lazytown for centuries ☽ doesn’t do any actual harm to any of the residents, or any monster; he only kills humans ☽ rottenella, a talking ballerina figure from a music box, helps him sleep when he has difficulty to ☽


A Swarm of Bats (Part 4: Vintage Cinema Edition)… ;)

Hey Folks,

A bit of random sketchiness from way back…. The Return of Batman Beyond…. from the Future of the 1950’s… Which might be like 1999…

Here we catch a glimpse of our stalwart hero defending an unsuspecting Gotham from menaces from far and wide…


Gerald Mohr…………..The BatMan

Lurene Tuttle………….The BatWoman

Van Heflin……………….Clayface

Parley Baer…………….Professor Arnold Wesker

Eve Arden……………..The Cat-Woman

Vincent Price………….Two-Face

Agnes Moorehead…..Poison Ivy

German Valdes……….The Riddler

Peter Lorre…………….The Joker

Alan Reed………………The Superman / Starro


When the schools are depressed...

Storm: It would be far too stereotypical if rain clouds were to just appear above their heads and unleash a steady downpour upon them. No, then everyone would know they were upset and that’s just asking for uncomfortable confrontation. When storm students are sad, their usual appearance sparked with life is rather sodden and droopy. They drip sad little puddles behind their trudging feet and use the old “I was practicing a storm spell and it fizzled weird” excuse when asked about them.  Everyday their appearance is more and more drenched, their skin a sickly pale green. Almost as if they’re drowning.

Ice: Warm, wet eyes. They’re initially startled by how warm their tears are as they are normally used to…well, the cold. They feel hot and dizzy; they heard from a couple of life students when once feels unbearable heat, they should stick their head in the freezer to cool off. Their efforts prove futile though as they keep sobbing scalding hot tears. Dark clouds open up and slow and silent snowflakes drift to the earth below. It’s a very somber scene and everyone feels the cold heartache of whatever has upset the ice student. 

Fire: The flame in them, their fiery personality is snuffed out. Cold hands. Very cold hands, that cool air wafts off of them. They’re hesitant to touch anything in fear of encasing said object or person in an icy grip. They’re constantly seen rubbing their hands together, trying to warm them up. To bring back the warmth into their life that seems to have gone missing.  Sometimes gloves will be worn or a heating pad will be held between trembling fingers. Anything to keep away the cold. 

Myth: They’re quiet and jumpy at all that comes near. They seem almost uncomfortable standing in their own skin, standing awkwardly off to the side, looking towards the ground. Their fists are clenched at their sides as they make their way to classes. A swarm of Blood Bats follow them, snapping and spitting at their clothing, almost as if bullying them. A myth student refuses to cry though and simply bites their tongue as they allow the bullying to continue. They’d love to be told their problems matter, though. No one says that enough to them. 

Life: Their flowers won’t stop wilting. No matter how many treasure cards are used, no matter their gardening experience. The flowers will not stop withering away and it kills the life students to sit there and watch it happen. They try to distract themselves with happy thoughts as surely these depressing emotions are affecting their plants but nothing works. They cry a few tears of frustration and beg the plants to live but to no avail. They shouldn’t have listened to those other students, they shouldn’t have taken what they said to heart. Because just like their precious flowers, their hearts are withering too. 

Death: Followed by a flock of ghosts, wailing and moaning behind them. The ghosts can only be ignored for so long before the death students realize the wailing begins to sound like their own voice. Dropping to their knees, they open their mouth and mimic the ghosts, wailing in sorrow for what they’ve lost. “It’s not fair!” “Why!?!” However the words are said, they just sound like sorrow-filled shrieks to the other students who are unfortunate enough to be near. This’ll go on for a few more minutes before the death student will stop, their throat scratchy from over use. They pick themselves up off the ground and continue their walk, their posse of ghosts floating after them. 

Balance: Sand becomes mud and sucks their feet in. The balance students try not to panic but they’re sinking faster. They didn’t know the answer, they didn’t have to laugh at them, but here they are, still thinking on that embarrassing moment. The emotions ready to swallow them whole, just as the mud planned to do. Their tears aren’t helping either, turning more sand into even more mud. For a calm moment, the balance student almost contemplates letting the sticky slow moving mud engulf them. Maybe they wouldn’t have to live with the embarrassment anymore…maybe they could find peace. This thought doesn’t last long though. Stubbornly, they fight their way out of the mud. But the battle isn’t over yet. They had only just stepped out of their dorm room. They still need to make their way to class. 

Give your wizards lots of hugs, guys. Sometimes, all one needs is to be told they are important and they matter. (I was in a mood while typing this…can I have a hug?) Remember: You guys are wonderful and it’s okay to cry. Just don’t let it control you. You are loved. And you are important :)

buckysleftarm  asked:

Would Sylas be a vampire bat or do you think something else? Do you ever think he kept bats in Whitestone and Delilah would find him cooing over them? And she always knew which one was him even if there was a little swarm?

Oh definitely a vampire bat, of course!!! Look how happy he is to see u, Delilah!!!

Apparently swarms of bats are supposed to infest places whenever vampires take up residence, so I’m certain they had a few bat swarms in Whitestone :’D and that Delilah would be like “Sylas look it’s your cousins” and he’d be like >:c

Eventually he’d probably play along (”Delilah, that’s my brother, not my cousin. After so many years of marriage you can’t even tell my family members apart. For shame.”)  and Delilah would absolutely catch him having little chirping bat chats at least once.

Also I wrote something about Bat!Sylas for Devils that I cut because it didn’t end up fitting the tone so here, enjoy:


“So,” she said, exhilarated, “what else you can do?”

Sylas pressed one finger to his lips and looked upward, mocking a thoughtful expression, but his smile was impossible to hide. A cracking sound rent the air, and Sylas vanished. In his place, a dark shape fluttered about in jagged circles, all fur and skin. Delilah shrieked in surprise, stumbling backwards. After her heart began to beat again, she recognized the shape of a bat. She had seen spells like this one before, at the Alabaster Lyceum - a moderately complex transmutation. She regained her balance, and dusted off her skirts, watching Sylas flap inelegantly around her with a slightly disbelieving smile on her face.

Delilah held her hand out, and the creature fluttered over and landed on her wrist. It latched its little talons into her cuff and swung in a limp half-circle, hanging upside-down.

She raised it to eye-level, inspecting it. A bony, palm-sized creature stared back at her, button-black eyes peeking over the top of its folded wings. Sylas gave a chirp of greeting. His look would be almost coy, were it not for the scrunched-in snout and triangular ears making it all a little ridiculous.

Giggling, she murmured, “Dear, you’re so ugly.”

Sylas opened his mouth and hissed, showing off long needle-teeth and giving a dismissive flap of his wings. Delilah laughed and scratched the top of his head with one fingertip, between the cavernous ears. The bat froze mid-display to enjoy the scratches, his tiny mouth loose – nearly smiling, she fancied. His furred chest heaved and caved with high-tempo breaths.

“Shameless,” she chastised, and Sylas-as-bat gave a shrill, happy shriek. Delilah held her arm out, and the bat dropped away and fluttered off. Across the room, her husband snapped back into existence, facing her with an exaggerated frown.

Ugly?” he gasped, feigning a wounded tone.

Delilah shuffled up to him, and pushed the point of his nose up with one finger, trying to mock the bat’s face. “So very ugly,” she repeated, in a voice like a jeering schoolgirl.

Sylas heaved a devastated sob, and then swept her into his arms, faster than she could properly perceive, exhilarating, disorienting. She shrieked again, for joy this time, and he spun her halfway around and while she clumsily found a grip on his shoulders. They came to a stop, Delilah’s laughter bubbling up uncontrollably, coming even louder when he dipped her halfway to the floor.

“I’m dashing,” he corrected. “You simply have no taste.”

Because of Present Mic’s vocal range in addition to volume he can and has accidentally attracted wild animals before. The worst incident was a few years back when he tried bring down a glass building to detain a villan with hostages with a high frequency (which did work by the way) which attracted a swarm of brown bats by the thousands and half the block was forced manditory rabies shots.

anonymous asked:

“ JESUS FUCK IT BIT ME. “ with the kingsman

This is the story about the time Eggsy almost got rabies.

And by “almost got rabies”, I mean that time Eggsy had to spend six hours in the ER getting rabies vaccinations shot up into his left ass cheek.

The four of you had been assigned to a mission that involved infiltrating a rather decrepit mansion. As Merlin explained in the debrief, the house had been the home to a rather infamous drug lord who had supposedly been a part of a cult terrorizing East London with a series of Jack the Ripper-like murders. You, Roxy, Eggsy, and Harry had been put on the assignment and headed out that night to scope out the building and its grounds.

With Merlin chattering away in all of your ears, the four of you quickly scoped the perimeter. The house was run-down, clearly abandoned, and stood among overgrowth and graffiti’d walls. Flashlights cut through the heavy darkness surrounding the pack of you as you moved to enter the house.

“God, this place is fallin’ apart,” Eggsy mutters, eyes scanning the entrance to the run-down mansion. 

Harry speaks next, toeing a piece of plywood out of the way as he eases through the halls of the home, leading the group. “Indeed. However, if Merlin’s calculations are right, then the passage leading to the cult’s original meeting place should still be intact.”

“Harry, when have I ever steered y’ wrong?” Merlin quips, sipping his tea. The feeds from all of your glasses are reading out well, and Merlin is glad he’s not in the field with you four on this one. Talk about mildew and pests. 

Roxy snorts, mouth up turning into a smirk. “You two bicker like a married couple.”

You can almost hear Harry rolling his eyes.

The building smells like damp, rotting wood. It’s a bit worrisome, seeing as the ceiling is bowed with age and the door frames have started to crumble. Personal belongings of the previous owner have long since been stripped from the house, leaving faded wallpaper behind where photos and paintings used to be.

There is graffiti littering the place, but the most unsettling is the amount of FUCK ME SATAN 666 related ‘art’. 

“This place is a lil’ creepy, innit?” you say, flashlight sweep across the large den. Eggsy giggles, waggling his fingers.

“S’ Halloweeeeeeny, huh, Percival?” Eggsy grins, “Y’ spooked out yet, luv?”

“If you ever say ‘Halloweeny’ again, I’ll punch you in the mouth,” Roxy mumbles, “Now come on. Let’s find this entrance so we can get out of this place.”

Harry sweeps past the three of you, hand finding the notch in the fireplace, exposing the marble staircase diving below the den’s floor. He offers a bit of a smirk. Harry is a damn legend. “I couldn’t agree more, Lancelot.”

Eggsy doesn’t let the fact that you’re creeped out go, though, and shines his flashlight into the abysmal dark that the staircase leads to. Whispering in your ear, the cheeky bastard grins. “Looks a lil’ like th’ stairway t’ hell, huh?”

“Fuck off,” you manage and start off down the steps. All of your footsteps echo against the walls, and suddenly, there’s a lot of squeaking. You pause, hand up to stop the rest of them. Out of the darkness, a swarm of bats dart and you shriek. Ducking against the wall, you wait for it to pass. Once all is quiet,  you glance back at your three friends and sigh. Eggsy is giggling. “Bloody ‘ell, I’ve never heard someone scream like you just screamed, Percival. They’re jus’ bats, luv. Harmless lil’ flying rats.”

It’s not until you make it to the bottom of the staircase that Eggsy chimes in. Pointing to the low ceilings, he elbows you. There’s a group of bats nestled together, hanging upside down and clinging to the stalactites being formed from the ceiling. His finger moves to brush one of their wing’s.

“See? Look at ‘em. They’re cute.”

Moments later, Eggsy is screaming in pure terror. 


Roxy is scrambling to duck to the floor as the family of bats panic and swarm around a worried Harry who is desperately trying to pull the bat from Eggsy’s hand. You watch in complete exasperation as Merlin is screaming with laughter through your headsets.

“Karma’s a bitch, huh, Egghead?”

im laughing i know this conflicts with the timeline but just imagine it’s a few months since doof and perry have been assigned to each other and seven year old vanessa has met perry several times and she like has this parent teacher conference and doof is getting vanessa ready and like
“okay so your mom is gonna meet us there—“
“what about perry”
“… what.”
“what about perry?”
“sweetie he’s… he’s my nemesis, not—“
“but he’s almost always here when i’m with you! and he got me a christmas present and he always makes sure wave at me when i’m over and he sometimes watches movies with us and—“
“yes but vanessa he’s not… he’s not your parent—“
and vanessa just
refuses to go to the conference
and doof like
and calls up perry just “okay you know how two months ago i pushed you out of the way when the zuccini-inator was exploding and then i said that you owe me one. well i’m calling in that favor”
and they meet charlene at the door and honestly charlene knows her ex husband well enough to not even really question the platypus. of course heinz brought a platypus. “he’s a family friend,” heinz says. “vanessa wanted him here.” charlene just sighs
the teacher is confused but eventually rolls with it, as perry diligently takes notes on what vanessa needs to be studying more. (he sneaks out in between conferences to candace’s conferences, listening by the door and taking the same sort of notes for her, and when the boys are old enough, he does it for them)
the school just knows now that perry is going to be at every one of vanessa doofenshmirtz’s parent teacher conferences
then one day at the start of junior year a the doofenshmirtz family files in for a conference, but since doof is doing his own conferences now (which are going… okay considering everything) they decided to let another family member join in and teacher just sees norm stuffed into a desk like “HI I’M NORM. HOW IS MY SISTER DOING???” and the teacher just like. sighs.