i came out to my parents when they discovered gay porn on my computer while i was at my friend nicole's house choreographing a hip hop dance. i was shocked because i thought they already knew but I got a call while i was like mid shoulder brush from my mother being like, "where are you?" and i was like, "i'm at nicole's house!" and she was like, "you need to come home now." and i went home- i can't believe i'm telling this story. anyway i went home, we finished the dance, she drove me home in her infinity SUV. and i walk into the house, it is pitch black and i just see the like back-lit shadow of my mother in the corner of the kitchen just like......she brings me down, and rather than like just having like a nice "let's talk about this" like she starts like bringing up, she starts like opening up all the websites, and i don't know what to do and i'm just going "uh ew! what is that? that's disgusting!" meanwhile i'm like "yeah tuesday, wednesday, thursday, i didn't do anything, but friday. and then my dad comes down in like his tighty whiteys and he's like "bran, if it's yours just tell us." and then, they found- well hold on, hold on. they found like this weird fax like a document, that nobody recognized and i was like "well! obviously someone's hacked into our computer!" and they believed me
mother: oh my god, dad come over, I think he’s about to say his first word!
mother: you can do it!
baby: I came out to my parents when they discovered gay porn on my computer while I was at my friend Nicole’s house choreographing a hip-hop dance. I was shocked because I thought they already knew, but I got a call when I was, like, mid-shoulder brush from my mother being like, “Where are you?” and I was like “I’m at Nicole’s house!” and she was like, “You need to come home now,” and I went home. I can’t believe I’m telling this story. Anyway, I went home after we finished the dance. She drove me home in her Infiniti SUV and I walked into the house, and it’s pitch black, and I just see the, like, backlit shadow of my mother in the corner of the kitchen just like… She brings me down, and rather than having a nice “let’s talk about this” she starts, like, bringing up - she starts like opening up all the websites - and I don’t know what to do and I’m like “Ewww! What is that?! That’s disgusting!” Meanwhile I’m like, yeah Tuesday, yeah Wednesday - Thursday I didn’t do anything, but Friday. And like my dad comes downstairs in his tighty whities and is like, “Bran, if it’s yours just tell us.” Well hold on, hold on. They found this, like, weird fax, like a document nobody recognized, and I was like, “Well, obviously someone hacked into our computer!“ And they believed me.
Okay, but last night, I had the strangest most glorious dream. I dreamed a dream that I was at the Tony Awards and a giant fire started. Patti LuPone was presenting Best Actress. “Patti,” Neil Patrick Harris said. (He was hosting the show again.) Patti ignored him; she was distracted. There were people taking pictures. “STOP, STOP, STOP!” Patti screamed. “Stop taking pictures RIGHT now! Who do you think you ARE?” Neil tried to intervene. “There’s a fire, Patti. We gotta leave. Please, Patti.” Smoke was starting to disperse. People were getting up out of their seats. Audra McDonald was sitting with Angela Lansbury and she was like, "Shit.” She took Angela’s hand to guide her out of the theater. “Audra, dear,” Angela said. "Yes?” Audra leaned in. Angela whispered, “I WILL beat your Tony record.” It was chaos now, pure chaos! Laura Benanti was tweeting in all caps. I was behind Harvey Fierstein, and he accidentally smacked me in the face. It was amazing. Alice Ripley tapped Lin-Manuel Miranda on the arm. “Rap something,” Alice said. "Not now, Alice!” Lin replied. Bernadette Peters was subtly laughing. Donna Murphy was praying to Elaine Stritch. And Patti, my dearest Patti, was still on stage giving a lecture about thee-ah-ter. The last thing I remember was hearing Susan Blackwell behind me: She was asking Neil Patrick Harris if she could lick him. Patti said, "The Tony goes to…” And Audra was like, “Susan. Lick him later.” I was trying to get on to the stage to save Patti from the fire! And then, as Idina Menzel swooped down from the rafters in an Elsa costume, I watched her scoop Patti up in her arms, and then… I woke up.