Meanwhile, on Paradis...
These facts are absolutely, 100% accurate. I swear on my life
becausethatclearlymeansalotinsnkuniverse lol wut?
Here’s what the dearly beloved Survey Corps (or what’s left of it) has been up to these past 4 long years
- Commander Hange one day decided that the stone integrity of the walls, now that they knew the truth, was too depressing. Thus they were all painted green.
- Commander Hange also went on to accidentally invent hair dye in her lab as a result of some rare free time from paperwork and a little too much coffee. It took over a month for poor Jean’s hair to go back to normal…
- After an explosion of flour in the kitchens and already being in a particularly black mood, Levi managed to invent the vacuum after a little tinkering with his 3DMG rig. That poor sod of a broom was never given a second look.
- As a result of his training, Eren screamed so much that he required his tonsils be removed. Armin took care to ensure that Mikasa has a significant BAC during the procedure.
- Due to his new responsibilities to the corps, Jean worried about his mother being lonely and one day surprised her with a cat. That feline eats exclusively omu-rice with ketchup whiskers and has a special basket with a blanket by the hearth. That cat has got it made for its nine lives.
- In the months following the missing to reclaim Shiganshina, Sasha grew especially concerned about food shortages after a particularly shitty winter. In response, our Private Braus goes on to establish the Wall Rose Potato Society where the blessings and graces of the magnificent spuds are sung every other Tuesday night. Connie is the poster child of the organization.
- Despite being the Queen, Historia quickly discovered her title did not absolve her orphanage of all financial burden. When she sought advice, Connie’s answer to the problem was to sneak into the Orphanage and close-cut shave all the orphans in order to cut down on shampoo prices. I hear he might be allowed to return from his banishment up north in the coming months.
- In order to earn some extra funds for the building and installation of more Titan Guillotines at all of the districts, the Survey Corps establishes the first beach resort with the aid of the Garrison. Rico Brzenska holds training classes for wannabe lifeguards every week.
- After leaving the Survey Corps after his disastrous social outburst, Flocke comes to the conclusion that military life is not for him. Last I heard, he’d opened and was running a very successful ice cream stand in Mitras district and is looking to expand if you’re looking for employment.
- Armin unwittingly makes a jack-o-lanturn from a fossilized squash he found in Shiganshina. Eren thought it looked a little like Mikasa waking up on the wrong side of the bed. It took a lot of coaxing to get Armin to make another.
- On a particularly muggy day, Jean decided he was fed up with Levi’s nagging and decided to hide his clippers. He still has remnants of shoe polish in the vicinity of his nether regions and rectal sphincter.
- In his ripening age, Keith Shadis decided to retire from military life. In response to his sudden abundance of leisure time, he started a rather-successful tabernacle choir. Coming to a tavern near you!