superhero drunks

Drunk amazon - Wonder Woman x Reader

Hey, first girl I get a request for..Perfect. I kept the reader “genderless”, and realized I should probably do that more often so anyone can read. Anyway, thanks @freethecagedeggs for that :) (and also thanks in general, cause I see you often in my notifications, liking my things and stuffs <3).I hope you’ll like it :

 (My master list, by the way : Right here )

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It’s embarrassing really. And such a hassle. She’s so goddamn strong. And her voice is so loud. You were pretty sure she was going to wake up the entire neighborhood…

What the Hell was she singing anyway ? Was it in…Ancient Greek ? 

She leans on you a bit more and you loose your balance, because she’s way heavier than she seems and almost all her weight is on your shoulder, as you support her drunk ass back home. 

You both crash into a wall, and you’re pretty sure you bruised a few ribs. She bursts out in laughter, and multiple voices from around the block are yelling at you two to “shut the fuck up”. You waved at some of them to apologize, and they just gave you the middle finger. Nice. 

She starts singing again, even louder than before, if it was even possible. 

-Diana, please, calm d…oh you better not throw up on me !

You take her arm off of around your shoulders, and she falls to her knee. You don’t even feel bad for letting her go, because damn, she brought that on herself. 

She’s gagging over and over again, but no, she doesn’t throw up. Not on you, nor on the floor. And, carefully, you get close to her again to help her stand back up. 

-I swear to the Gods Diana, this is the last time I help you ! 

-You always say that…

-Well, I mean it this time ! 

-You’re adorable my love. 

-And you’re insufferable ! 

-Thanks. 

Rolling your eyes, you start to walk back to your shared apartment once again, with an amazon that calmed down just a little bit. She still sings some songs in ancient Greek, but this time, you’re the only one who can hear, and you’d never admit it, but her soft voice in your ear is somewhat soothing and very nice. 

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more aus:

  • i’m a immortal who just woke up from a ‘nap’ what the fuck is this what the fuck is that au
  • our prom dates just ditched us for each other let’s show them what they’re missing out on au
  • your partner hired me to kill you but they’re an asshole so let’s make out instead au
  • you have short term memory after your surgery - short term memory - surgery for your - no, short term memory - jesus christ stop asking au
  • we’re planning a mutual friend’s wedding au
  • that stupid thing i dared you to do sent you to the hospital au
  • we’re superheroes that got drunk last night oh god what’d we do au
  • we were both working during the holidays but got snowed in at the office au
  • language teachers who compete to see who can make each other more flustered in front of the class in the other language au
  • we’re the only sober ones right now au
  • chef and waiter au
  • zookeepers au
  • i accidentally feel asleep in the bookstore you work in cause i read so much au
  • you’re a fictional character that came from a dystopia novel au
  • i teach your child and we have very important meetings about their education au

anonymous asked:

"Don't be fucking rude" for the kardashian aesthetics

Can u do don’t be fucking rude as a danxreader

You had once told Dan that you were not an aggressive drunk. The both of you knew that this was a huge lie.You didn’t partake in alcoholic beverages often but when you did you tended to be on the defensive side of things. You didn’t take shit from people and you definitely didn’t let some fuck boys get away with being an ass to you or anyone else in the bar. You were a superhero of drunk people. Unfortunately, when you thought you were helping save the meek you were really being a bit of an ass yourself. You never meant to be but you’re like a drunk swearing sailor. Hey if you can’t handle the heat get out of the kitchen. It was closing time at the bar and Dan and your friends were trying to get you to leave the bar and go home. You, on the other hand, decided that the skinny tall pale boy was getting picked on by some dudes and that was not okay. Dan had walked in only getting to hear the second part of the argument.

“You know what? Don’t be fucking rude. So what if he is gay? So what if he likes pussy. It’s none of your fucking business. Because you know what? If he was gay he wouldn’t be into someone like you because of your just a nasty fuck boy that has a rat face.” The bar started to erupt with yells Dan had managed to pull you out of the crowd of people onto the street away from all of the big angry dudes you were poking in the chest. While using your mum voice.

“Y/N, What the fuck was that? Did you not notice that those guys were twice your size? Dan had hailed a cab as he said goodbye to all of your friends. Once in the car, the two of you had a quiet moment to yourselves to talk about what just happened.

“So these guys were picking on that cute tall boy. They were saying he was gay and called him a fag. I just couldn’t let that happen. Being gay isn’t bad!” Oh, no tears were starting on your face. “And I just thought of you getting so much hate. Like who the fuck needs that. Love is love and it’s not like that ass hat has to worry about getting hit on by a dude because I don’t know anyone of any gender or sex that would want to talk to him.” Dan had pulled you into his chest to try and calm you down from your anger and sadness.

“I’m proud of you for standing up to homophobia but maybe you shouldn’t have been so… crude?” How could Dan dance around your drunkenness without accidentally stepping on it?

“I am who I am.” You paused as you let a hiccup leave your lips. “Do you hate me?” The tears started to flow harder again. Emotional drunk is not a pretty look.

“I could never hate you. Even if you weren’t pissed drunk you would stand up to that guy. That’s who you are. I fucking love you for it. But next time you start a fight make sure I am near and one of our friends who aren’t tall skinny beans is there to help keep you safe.

peskyshortcake  asked:

Drunk texts between the Legionnaires.

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you’re pregnant.

Who are you talking about? You can’t get pregnant. Unless you can…I don’t know how that works with Coluans.

FORGET I SAID ANYTHING

~

if i bang your cousin, are we still cool?

How the fuck am I getting messages from you. What. Anyway. I guess we can be cool.

I did not know Kara Danvers was capable of saying ‘fuck’

Well, I am human.

No your not.

I didn’t know Brainiac-5 was capable of making a grammatical error.

SHUSH

Love you too, nerd <3

Cheatyface Plays

  • play it under a land and reveal it later
  • play it under a creature and reveal it later
  • play it under literally any permanent and reveal it later
  • play it under another, legally cast Cheatyface
  • point at the door and say “who ordered pizza?” sneak it on while they are distracted (and disappointed)
  • play it under another, cheated in Cheatyface
  • ask to look at an opponent’s card, put Cheatyface under it when you put it back, ask to see it again and hope they focus on you instead of the Cheatyface you just left on the table
  • do the tablecloth trick but with all the card on top of the tablecloth. have a Cheatyface under the tablecloth. you either succeed in pulling the table cloth off quickly enough to leave all the cards behind, along with your now revealed Cheatyface, or you pull everything off into a huge mess and have bigger problems to worry about
  • play it under a token and reveal it later
  • place it next to your graveyard after discarding some cards–you actually placed it onto the battlefield but they don’t know that
  • catch something on fire. play Cheatyface while they are distracted
  • play it under and instant or sorcery
  • play Cheatyface while staring your opponent directly in the eye. when they call you out, hand them a get out of jail free card from Monopoly and insist Cheatyface is now a legal play
  • play Cheatyface in any sanctioned tournament
  • cut cheaty face into small pieces and hide bits of it in the sleeves of your other cards. play this card and slide out the bits of Cheatyface, leaving them face up on the table. assemble the bits of Cheatyface
  • be ron swanson

I am laughing so bad I can’t even. 

“Adult Ian wanted to sell meth in tonight’s episode”

AND LAVERNE COX’S ANSWER:

“Lol. Well he still comes from poverty and a dysfunctional family of addiction. Nobody’s perfect.”

Riiiiiiiiiiiight because Mickey doesn’t come from a much more severe poverty, a dysfunctional, abusive family of addiction, homophobia and rape, right? If he’s toxic, he’s toxic.

ALL THINGS FORGIVEN WITH GALLAGHERS. 

BUT IF YOU A MILKOVICH, U GOTTA SPLIT. YOUR DYSFUNCTION IS NOT AUTHORIZED BY THE HIGHER POWERS. YO IAN’S GOTTA MOVE ON HIS DYSFUNCTION IS CLEARLY DIFFERENT FROM MICKEY’S DYSFUNCTION.

 An escaped convict trying to live peacefully in Mexico is a bad influence for a meth dealer, hey! The meth dealer would be much better off with his insensitive superhero boyfriend and his drunk brother and his psychotic sister and his abusive father!

Place Your Bet

REQUEST: You are stranded at Avenger Tower during a storm, and find yourself playing strip poker with the team… and Bucky.

Bucky x Reader

You were finally done. The last pages printed, you placed them all into a manila folder. A very large manila folder. You hefted it up into your arms and took the steps two at a time, up one floor and deposited it through the slot on the door to Pepper Pott’s office. The taxes for this quarter, for the retail income for Stark Industries, were done. They just needed signatures from Tony and Pepper, and to be mailed off. Of course, all of it wasn’t in the folder- most was in a computer file ready to be sent to the IRS. But what was necessary for them to look over was now settled onto the throw rug just inside Pepper’s door.

You shone your cellphone flashlight along the corridor. The power was out in most of New York right now. A huge tropical storm had come pretty far north, and outside, torrential rains were pounding down on the rooftops and streets and sidewalks of the city. No one was driving, subways were closed, and hospitals were on backup generators. You had been informed at about 3pm today that you were in fact stranded at the Tower. Pepper had given you the key to a guest room on the third floor, an efficiency apartment really. Every employee was stuck here. There had only been a skeleton crew today anyways because of the storm, but Stark Industries was a big account for you and you’d braved the rain to get here and try to get Tony’s affairs in order. He’d also rounded up most of the Avengers last week to get you on board to do their taxes this year as well,because, even though it wasn’t glamorous, there were two things in life that everyone including a superhero could count on, and those were death and taxes. And because of that, they could count on you. Y/N Y/L/N, CPA for the Avengers.

“Tony, finished with the taxes. Need you to sign them and return them to me in the morning. They’re in Pepper’s office.” You dashed off a text as you walked, passing the office that had been on loan to you the last few weeks while you had been wading through the mess the last accountant had made of Tony’s finances. The office was nice, but it was made nicer by the memory of a certain hunky, dark haired soldier who’d been spending a lot of time hanging out there, asking you questions you really didn’t know the answers to. Like, “How does a guy file taxes if he’s been dead for 70 years?” Or “If he hasn’t really been dead but hasn’t been making money, does he have to file back taxes? Can he get audited for 70 years? Would the IRS do that?” You smiled as you walked. Incessant questions had turned into a dinner date last week, which had turned into a three hour conversation in the borrowed Buick of Captain America about which was better, Terminator 1 or 2, and then a kiss that was much more chaste than you’d have liked on your doorstep. You looked around. You weren’t sure if Bucky knew you were staying at the tower this evening. Last you’d heard from him was three days ago, when he’d texted to tell you the date had been nice and that he was going out of town on a mission and would be back soon.

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THATS THE BEST JOKE IVE EVER HEARD

love u Duff

*taa prichitapshhh*

anonymous asked:

Sooo I've heard you want some prompts, what about Kara treating MonEl some caramel or their sexy first time? Or maybe making each other jealous on purpose or drinkinh and goofing around? also sorry for my english, it's not my native language

Thanks nonnie! here’s a fic of drunken Karamel because they’re hilarious and it was fun to write.

Title: Alex Is So Done

Pairings: Karamel and Sanvers (bg).

Summary:

Mon-El and Kara are drunk again. A bad idea forms between them and Alex is the designated drunk superhero babysister.


“My sister’s drunk. Again”, Alex sighed as she gazed across the bar to where Kara was straddling Mon-El in a booth as though they were in a strip club and she was giving him a lap dance.

“Nobody forced her to chug down two Tharrian ales”, J’onn pointed out as they watched the inebriated Supergirl giggle at something Mon-El said and lean in closer to him – if that was even possible.

They had come to the bar to unwind after National City was almost levelled by a CADMUS enhanced human. Plus they were all still dealing with things in their personal lives that earned them a drink or two. Alex and Maggie…J’onn and M’gann…Kara and all of the things that she had going on as Supergirl and at Catco. It didn’t help but she had two best friends in love with her and a complicated relationship with her new alien buddy.

“Damn, I didn’t know Kara could move like that”, Winn entered the conversation and drew their attention back to Kara who was now stood on the table and twerking to a Katy Perry song that was currently playing. Mon-El was watching her with riveted eyes as she thrust her bottom towards his face. Alex palmed her face and was tempted to get her phone out to start recording this for future blackmail material against her sister. Kara would probably just incinerate her phone with her eyes though so she thought better of it.

“Maybe someone should go get her down from there” the DEO tech expert suggested even as his eyes moved back onto the dancing drunk who was now doing a move that looked like she was being electrocuted. Her foot slipped as she went to move a little to the side and she face planted in Mon-El’s lap though Mon-El didn’t seem to mind. At all.

“Oops, I slipped!” Kara roared with laughter as though her fall was the funniest thing ever. Mon-El’s giggles matched hers in volume and enthusiasm. “But you caught me though!”

“I will always catch you, Krypton girl”, he slurred lifting her until she was perched on his lap with her arms wrapped around his waist.

“You are so sweet”, she cooed and Alex made a face of disgust at the display.

“Kara would be mortified if she could see herself right now”.

“She really likes him doesn’t she?” Winn asked as they watched her place a sloppy kiss on Mon-El’s cheek.

Alex was quiet for a moment as she watched her sister’s antics. “I have a feeling that’s something she doesn’t know herself yet so don’t confront her about it”.

“Mon-El, you are my favouritish Daxamite in the Cosmos”, Kara declared sprawling onto the bench of the booth next to him.

“And you are the greatest Kryptonian in the world. Forget Superman, Supergirl is MY hero”.

“Aw! Why did our people ever hate each other again? It makes no sense to me”.

“I have no idea but they’re gone now so they don’t get to tell us we can’t be friends!” Mon-El almost shouted gleefully. “And if we wanted we could mate and then bond and repopulate BOTH of our races!”

“A baby Daxtonian”, Kara howled as though this was the height of hysteria. “That would be so cool!”

Mon-El jumped out of his seat with excitement, completely drunk and full of bad ideas. “We should do it! We should mate and have a child together! That would be amazing!”

“You’re right! Let’s have a baby!” Kara exclaimed in intoxicated amazement. Then she looked around the room, made sure her sister wasn’t listening or watching them and hissed in a loud whisper: “But don’t tell Alex. She’ll just try and stop us and then there will be no Daxtonian”, Kara pouted.

Meanwhile Alex was in the middle of sipping her beer and playing a round of pool with J’onn when Maggie walked through the door, immediately catching her attention even if she didn’t want to look right at her. From the second that the cop walked towards her all her thoughts and concerns of her sister being drunk went right out of the window. All her attention was on the woman that she was falling for.

“We should get out of here right now before Alex sees us”, Kara suggested and Mon-El nodded so many times that he almost looked like a bobble head toy. The pair snuck out of the bar and flew in drunken zig zags across the sky and landing in Kara’s apartment.

“How should we do this?” Mon-El slurred, tripping over Kara’s coffee table.

Kara looked at him with confusion as though she didn’t know the answer to the question. “Take your clothes off…I think that’s how it works”.

“Yeah we can’t mate with clothes on”.

The two looked at each other for a moment before bursting out into loud drunk giggles (with a few hiccups from Kara thrown in for good measure).

Mon-El didn’t take too long to strip off his t-shirt and jeans but Kara was struggling with her sweater and dress, her movements were too clumsy thanks to the effects of alien ale.

“I can’t get this damn cardigan off!”

“Here, let me help you”.

Mon-El proceeded to use his super strength to rip not only her cardigan off her body but also her dress and bra. They both now stood in her apartment completely nude besides from their socks.  

“Now shall we proceed? I assume that you’re hymen has been broken by now” the Daxamite blurted out causing Kara to squeal with shock.

“You can’t just go around saying hymen!”

“I take it that this is a cultural taboo on this planet?”

“It wasn’t on Daxam?”

“Enough talking”.

Mon-El went to kiss her when the door to the apartment swung open and Alex stood in the doorway gaping at them, along with Winn who’d come along for who knows what reason and quickly turned to face away from the naked aliens.

“What the HELL do you two think you’re doing? Mon-El I expected this sort of behaviour from you but Kara?! Drunken sex really?”

“Hey it’s not drunken sex!” Kara yelled indignantly in an attempt to defend herself. “We’re making a baby here! We’re gonna give you a niece or nephew! A little baby Daxtonian”.

Winn choked on air and Alex looked as though someone had just announced to her that her father was actually Superman. “You are doing what?!”

“We both agreed that it would be an amazing idea if we mated and recreated our species together. Technically Daxamites and Kryptonians are the same species, just colonised on different planets, so we’d be perfectly compatible”.

Alex turned to look at Winn, completely lost for words.

Winn looked back at her and shrugged, completely helpless in this situation.

“You are NOT mating and you are definitely NOT making any babies here tonight. Winn please take Mon-El back to the DEO”.

“But Alex!” Kara wailed pathetically.

“But nothing. Mon-El out right now”.

“I guess we’ll have to do this some other time then Kara”, Mon-El sighed as he begun to throw his clothes back on that were thankfully not ruined unlike Kara’s dress and sweater.

“Yeah like in ten years maybe and only if you are in a committed relationship”, Alex huffed as she pushed him towards Winn, who grabbed him by his hand and began dragging him towards the door.

As soon as they were gone, Alex pulled Kara to her bedroom to put her into some pyjamas. “How did you even find us?! I thought you were distracted by Maggie!”

Her sister blushed and turned a stern look on her. “Not so distracted that I’d miss you flying off in a zig-zag with Mon-El”.

“Alex?”

“What?”

“Do you like Mon-El? Because I think I might like Mon-El just a little”. Kara pinched her fingers together to show how little she might just like him. Alex smirked against her will as she tucked her sister into bed after putting her into a night gown.

“Mon-El is better than I thought he was. And if you like him, that’s enough for me”.

“Even when we have little Daxtonian babies?”

“….”

“Alex?”

“Yes Kara, even if you have little Daxtonian babies”.

“Alex?”

“What, Kara?”

“I think I’m going to be sick”.

sunflowerorion  asked:

CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE WRITE A WINTER SOLDIER FANFIC THAT TAKES PLACE IN THE TOASTERVERSE AND IS RATED TEEN? I NEED HELP AND I LOVE YOUR WORK SO COULD YOU PLEASE WRITE ONE PRETTY PLEASE WITH COSMIC COOKIES ON TOP?

Okay, I’m now getting a couple of these a week, so…

I don’t know.

I am well aware that I write fanfiction about silly flying roombas and toasters and little boys who sometimes are robots.  I write stories about drunk superheroes and bad choices and a lot of floofy ‘adopted family’ time.  I do not, in any way, think that my writing is, you know, important.

But that being said, I like to think that I have always respected the DAMAGE to the people underneath all of that.  I might not always focus on it, I might not bring it up in every story.  But to me, the canonical WEIGHT of the burden these people carry is important.  It is the center of these stories, it’s what makes them more than heroes; it makes them people, relateable and understandable in a way that isn’t always easy.

They’re people.  Broken and odd and full of issues and problems and emotional baggage.  That’s what makes them compelling for me to write.

“Hollow Your Bones” drained me.  I can’t overstate that.  I understand that for many people, it was hard to read.  I still get mails, to this day, saying, 'I didn’t read this one, because I knew I wasn’t going to have a good time of it.’  I tried to make it clear, at the beginning, that 'Hollow Your Bones’ was going to be a difficult piece, that it was going to be long, and occasionally very sad, very stained with grief and guilt and the difficult process that recovery can be.

But as hard as it was to read, it was harder to write.  To stay in that place of grief, and loss, and recovery, along with Clint and the others, that was hard.  To try to do justice to all of these people, in mourning, filled with anger and rage and guilt, that was very hard.

Clint lost body autonomy, lost his right to self-determination and control over his mind and his actions for a few days.  Bucky was tortured over decades.  He lost all sense of himself, all memory, all control.  He was hollowed out and made into something that served without question, that killed without thought or remorse.

I do not know how to bring him out of that.  I don’t know if it is within my poor ability to attempt.  But I am wary of trying, or trying and making light of what was done to him.  Of what happened, of what he survived.

I have always tried to respect, for the sake of my readers, if not my characters, the realities of recovery, of trauma, of the right of those who have survived HORRIBLE things to choose their recovery.  I do not undertake 'fix-its’ lightly or without a lot of care, because I understand why they are written, and why they are read, but I think that build on a culture that does not respect those suffering from mental illness or PTSD.  The idea that love can fix things is sometimes not just silly, but damaging.

I do not know, right now, how to handle Bucky.  I don’t know if I CAN handle Bucky.  It took me a year to put “Hollow Your Bones” into words, to find a way to deal with what was done, for Clint as well as Coulson, as well as the others.

And it was a lot harder to write, than it was to read.

5SOS SONG ASKS


Gotta Get Out: If the world was ending,and you could choose someone to spend your last hour with,who would it be?


Too Late: Ever had your heart broken?


Unpredictable: Number 1 thing on your bucket list?


Out Of My Limit: Ever fallen for someone who’s completely out of your limit?


Beside You: Are you missing anyone?


She Looks So Perfect: Describe your crush


Heartache On The Big Screen: Favourite romantic/sad movie?


The Only Reason: Are you in love with anyone at the moment?


Disconnected: Who do you want to get away from the world with?


Don’t Stop: 5 turn ons?


Rejects: What is your clothing style?


Try Hard: The furthest you’ve gone for someone you like/love?


Wrapped Around Your Finger: Do you think you’re the type to get ‘whipped’?


Good Girls: Ever snuck out?


Kiss Me Kiss Me: Ever been kissed? Describe your first kiss if you have


Heartbreak Girl: Ever been cheated on?


Lost Boy: Favourite Disney Movie?


Amnesia: You have your one true love holding onto one hand and a complete stranger holding the other,they are both hanging over a cliff and you have to let go of one to save the other,who would you let go of?


Eighteen: Ever been drunk?


Superhero: One super power you want?


I’ve Got This Friend: What would you do if you found out your best friend was in love with you?


Voodoo Doll: If you had a voodoo doll of the person you hated,would you do anything to it?


Over and Over: Favourite memory?


Wherever You Are: Ever been in a long distance relationship?


What I Like About You: What do you like best about your crush?


(sorry some songs are missing)