As countless anime have shown us, there’s no problem that a giant battlemech cannot solve (with the help of a screamy tween pilot, that is). Finally, reality catches up to anime – and not just in the field of upskirt technology: Meet the Kuratas, a real-life Japanese mech-suit.
The four-and-a-half ton, 13-foot Kuratas runs on gasoline, and is controlled through a combination of high-tech touchscreens and a delightfully retro joystick. No matter how cool it looks, or how effective the system might be, you know you would’ve been disappointed if it didn’t have a joystick. For those of you with no soul, however, it can also be controlled remotely via a cellphone attachment. Oh, and it does come equipped with weapons like rocket launchers and mini-guns.
With fake ammo, obviously.
The Kuratas also comes with the most ominous feature ever: the Smile Trigger, which is exactly what it sounds like – when the pilot grins, the mecha unleashes 6000 rounds per minute of bullet-shaped retribution. Tell us that’s not designed specifically to court supervillains.
Carl the Animator: “Ok, good, ‘cause the storyboards seem very clear that KISS starts glowing neon colors.”
Ted the Animator: “…and then start flying, apparently.”
Carl the Animator: “This… this was not a turn I was expecting the movie to take, but one I’m totally on board for.”
Ted the Animator: “I like how they couldn’t think of a visual flying-power-effect-thingy for the green cat guy, so they just didn’t give him one.”
Carl the Animator: “He’s a magical cat person. He prolly just, like, jumps long distances.”
Ted the Animator: “The animation doesn’t show that. Come on, Carl, visual storytelling.’
Carl the Animator: “Well, ok, how would you show that a rock ‘n’ roll band member cat person with green cosmic superpowers had used them to jump incredibly far towards a spinning teacups carnival ride for the purpose of saving a talking dog?”
Ted the Animator: “I’d ha–… ok, that may be the greatest sentence I’ve ever heard.”
Carl the Animator: “You know it.”
Ted the Animator: “…let’s just move on before our brains start melting.”
Carl the Animator: “Speaking of which, this guy turns into a fire-breathing dinosaur person.”
Ted the Animator: “And the other guy becomes some kind of cat thing, as we previously established.”
Carl the Animator: “And don’t forget the coupla frames of closeup on his face when he jumps towards the camera.”
Ted the Animator: “…wow.”
Carl the Animator: “According to fans, this sequence is *identical* to some of the transformation scenes in Sailor Moon.”
Ted the Animator: “Ah, cool, I didn’t kn–… wait, how exactly have fans seen this? We’re looking at production storyboards!”
Carl the Animator: "…”
Ted the Animator: “Carl….”
Carl the Animator: “Ok, fine, I might have tweeted a few things out.”
Ted the Animator: “You’re lucky no one cares enough to make us sign NDAs, y’know.”
Carl the Animator: “…so, moving along from shaky legal territory, KISS has a big fight with the bad guy, and Shaggy & Scooby almost puke after getting off the spinning teacups ride.”
Ted the Animator: “All the best action scenes end with our heroes nearly barfing on top of their friend.”
Carl the Animator: “Then, there’s a fade transition to… uh….”
Carl the Animator: “…um…”
Ted the Animator: “…is that a hospital? Wait, are they DEAD?”
Carl the Animator: “I doubt it, but if so, man that got dark in a hurry.”
Ted the Animator: “I guess the spinning teacups were too much for them.”
Carl the Animator: “This is what happens if you eat too many sweets before going on the rides, kids.”