You know what? I’ve never been happy that I’m gay. I may say that I’m happy with my sexuality when straight people ask me, but it’s because the truth is so much harder to explain. I’m not happy, because I would 100% in a heartbeat choose to be straight over being gay. It’s not easy to say, but I want to explain it.
Ever since I was a small kid, my dream was to be a mum. I love the idea of carrying a child, of holding my flesh and blood in my arms. But now that idea stings because I know that child will grow up being judged because of me. Not only can I not protect my child from bullying, like so many parents wish they could, I have to know, even now, that through some twisted logic they are being punished for me.
I have to carry the fact that my love will always be a political act. Try as I might to divorce my love from that, it never will be. I don’t want to have to fight. I don’t want to have to defend myself. I want to be able to tell someone I love them and for it to mean that, and just that, and only that, and yet because I’m gay our love becomes more than just that. It becomes something for others to state their opinions on, for others to project their beliefs onto. My love becomes a case study, an example point for my friends, relatives, and mere acquaintances to whip out when they want to back up their ideas.
I’m sick and tired of going online and seeing people complain about LGBT representation “flooding” their screens, tired of going outside and hearing the same feelings echoed, because every time that happens I am reminded that I am a token, not a person. My existence disrupts. I am a discomfort to others.
If I come out early in a friendship, they are uncomfortable because I am forcing my sexuality on them.
If I come out late in a friendship, they are uncomfortable because I withheld information so long.
There is no correct time, because no matter what I will make others uncomfortable.
I have never been happy with being gay, because I wish I could be a person, not a discomfort, not a political idea, not a debate. But I accept myself, and love myself.
Taking a deep breath Lucas raises his hand to knock on the Matthews front door, he nervously waits for someone to answer.
“Mr. Friar? You know Riley’s not here…right?” Cory asks with a puzzled expression.
“I know sir. I’m not here to see her.” Lucas announces with a lot more confidence than he was feeling.
“No? If you have come to see me, I’m afraid I’m rather busy.”
“I’m not here to see you sir, at least not yet.” Lucas begins to fidget.
“Well my wife is also…”
“Capable of speaking for herself. Hi Lucas. Come on in. Don’t let Mr. Matthews fool you, he is not busy.” Topanga offered Lucas a seat on this couch with a wave of her hand.
“What about Auggie?” Cory asks while his heart starts to race. He has a feeling he knows what’s about to happen.
“I’m here to see Auggie, sir. Then if things go well, I’d like to talk to you & Mrs. Matthews.” Lucas is certain they can hear his knees knock.
Cory stands there quietly, just staring at Lucas. Topanga, knowing what’s to come, call it momma’s intuition, tells Lucas “Absolutely Lucas. Auggie is in his room. You know the way.” With a quiet thank you, Lucas takes a moment to collect himself before heading down the hall to Auggie’s room.
“Topanga? Is this actually happening?” Cory feels a bit faint and sits on the sofa.
His wife crawls into his lap and wraps her arms around him “Yes, it is happening. This can’t be a shock. Now before you get any crazy ideas. We love Lucas. Your daughter loves Lucas. We are going to say yes and if you make me break out the Judge voice to deal with your crazy ass… you will regret it.” Topanga wears a contented smile.
“Me? Moi? Crazy ass? Not necessary. I’m sure my son will take care of everything.” Cory replies with a smirk. He knows that she is not wrong, they do love Lucas but he only has one little girl and he considers it his fatherly right to make Lucas sweat. “Hey, Topanga?”
“Thank you for listening to me you big stupid” Cory murmurs as he leans in for a kiss.
“I have to say, Mr. Matthews, it was definitely one of your better ideas.” The two snuggle on the couch while they wait for Lucas to return.
Down the hall, Lucas raps on Auggie’s door.
“Come in!” he hears the teen yell.
“Hey, Aug.” Lucas announces his presence.
“Lucas! What are you doing here?” Auggie jumps up to give Lucas a hug.
“I’m here to talk to you,” Lucas explains.
Auggie has been expecting this visit and pulls out the little chair he made Lucas sit in forever ago.
Lucas smiles and laughs as Auggie tells him to take a seat.
“What’s up, Lucas?” Auggie can’t help but feel a little weepy at the sight of Lucas in that tiny chair. It was funny when Lucas was in 8th grade…. It’s flat out comical now that he’s in his 20’s.
“Man, does this bring back memories. I’m here to talk to you Aug about your sister. You have always been her protector…. her best friend…. the most important man in her life beside your dad. That’s why I’m coming to you first Auggie. All those years ago, you made sure I knew that you were her ONLY brother. Then when London almost happened we talked about you & I becoming brothers someday. I’m here today, to ask you for your blessing. I would like your blessing to marry your ONLY sister, my ONLY love and for you & I to become brothers. Auggie Matthews? May I have your blessing to marry your sister?”
Auggie feels 10 feet tall… “Lucas, you have been the only guy to make my sister completely goofy. You have been the VP of Rileytown for the longest time. You dealt with my dad stealing your shoes and perhaps the biggest thing? You made sure that I was included every step of the way. You sat in that chair twice before and let me be Riley’s protective brother. I know how much you love my sister and how much she loves you. Of course, you have my blessing Lucas.” Lucas stands and moves to shake Auggie’s hand…Auggie takes his hand and pulls him in for a hug.
“Thanks, Auggie. I promise I will do everything in my power to make her as happy as she makes me.”
“I know you will Lucas. Now let’s go into the living room so I can watch my dad’s head spin around when you ask him.” Auggie cackles.
“You don’t think he will say, no do you?” Lucas asks nervously.
“No way but you can bet he’s going to make you sweat. Are your shoes on tight?” The boys laugh as they walk back to the living room.