Things Dirk Strider will do in the new universe:

-Get hyperfocused and obnoxiously clinical about the community garden. Measures the water with a graduated cylinder. Keeps detailed reports of each plant’s growth. Accidentally names a few after classical philosophers and rap artists. Jade paints him little signs for his favorites. Rose throws him a small, ironic funeral when Plato and Tupac get trampled on a particularly windy day.

-Come to the earth-shattering conclusion that he’s really, really terrible at sports. Like, holy shit. It’s bad. His mind tries to cross-calculate applied force and windspeed and height and arc and – oh look, Jake has scored a goal again.

-Be co-captain of the scientific board championing the movement to figure out if Carapaces have dicks.

-Absolutely destroy Dave in a rap battle. Meanwhile Rose is studying gothic poetry with a sick beat playing in the background, plotting revenge for her brother’s honor.

-Somehow convince John that he subsisted entirely off of Gushers when he was a child. Because that shit doesn’t go bad, John. I was a meek, starving kid stranded in the post-apocalypse. I’m not proud of it – but I did what I had to do with what I could do. John looks a bit queasy and gives Dirk an extra big portion when it’s his turn to cook dinner.

-Awkwardly sidestep every parental, comforting hug Roxy, Jane, and Dad try to give him. They’re getting desperate. Dirk has a conspiracy theory they’re all in cahoots to finally corner him.

-Alpha kid cuddle piles ft. Calliope. Though this one goes without saying.


Based on the work of @janestrider, @khemi, and myself involving the Homestuck Kids becoming a literal god mythos in the new universe. I assessed the attributes of the original Earth zodiac and merged them to create these new ones.

THE WITCH: May 6 – June 20

(Previously Gemini, Taurus)

Positives: Curious, affectionate, adaptable, reliable, stable.

Negatives: Stubborn, inconsistent, dislikes confinement.

THE HEIR: June 21 – August 7

(Previously Cancer, Leo.)

Positives: Loyal, persuasive, cheerful, humorous, warm-hearted.

Negatives: Arrogant, moody, suspicious.

THE KNIGHT: August 8 – September 22

(Previously Virgo, Leo)

Positives: Kind, hardworking, creative, passionate, loyal.

Negatives: Worries a lot, erratic, overly critical of self, hates asking for help.

THE SEER: September 23 – November 6

(Previously Libra, Scorpio)

Positives: Diplomatic, social, resourceful, brave, a “true friend.”

Negatives: Secretive, fierce, easily carries a grudge.

THE MAID: November 7 – December 21

(Previously Sagittarius, Scorpio)

Positives: Generous, fantastic sense of humor, resourceful, bold, values long, solid friendships.

Negatives: Distrusting, impatient, dislikes passive personalities.

THE PRINCE: December 22 – February 4

(Previously Capricorn, Aquarius)

Positives: Responsible, disciplined, progressive (both in improving themselves and others), independent, enjoys fighting for a cause.

Negatives: Struggles with emotional expression, temperamental, uncompromising, know-it-all.

THE PAGE: February 5 – March 20

(Previously Pisces, Aquarius)

Positives: Compassionate, a one-of-a-kind, gentle, intuitive, thrives when alone but appreciates friends.

Negatives: Possesses a desire to escape reality, overly trusting, aloof, too often a martyr.

THE ROGUE: March 21 – May 5

(Previously Aries, Taurus)

Positives: Courageous, confident, enthusiastic, devoted, a strong leader.

Negatives: Impulsive, aggressive, dislikes complications, dislikes insecurity (including their own).

The world is over 500 years old when you finally feel whole again.

Jake is warm against you but it’s temporary. The two of you will find each other in bouts of loneliness spurred by the passing of generations and the constant ebb and flow of the sun. He’s impossibly affectionate but he belongs to the universe the way a pet owner belongs to their disgruntled cat. He belongs to you the way a cooling breeze belongs to sunburned skin.

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“It’s impossible,” Dirk says, teeth gritted, finger twisted around a daisy stem.

“If it was impossible it wouldn’t be a universal pastime among pre-apocalypse children!” Jake replies, easy. He’s managed a few twigs to intertwine to form a precarious circlet. It’s his second of the day, the first an equally precarious success. He’s a natural at the craft. He chooses a ripe smather of foliage to press between the gaps of the wood as decoration.

Dirk sets about twisting his pile of twigs some more, his bright idea of using daisy stems as support ties abandoned. He grips them a little too hard, though—he cringes at a tell-tale crack of brittle wood.

Jake does not seem to notice. “What’s orange,” he mutters to himself, rustling through his gathered pile and then sylladex. “Oh!”

Dirk is about two seconds from using his malformed crown as a makeshift frisbee when Jake’s crown is shoved in front of his view.

“For you,” Jake says, voice boasting his playful boom of an action hero’s speech. “My prince.”

He grins at the last part, lips parting for buck teeth. Dirk shrugs down, embarrassed, as Jake gives the briefest of chuckles before taking advantage of Dirk’s display of blond spikes to nestle the crown atop them. A stray candy corn falls from the circular bramble into Dirk’s lap.

“My king,” Jake corrects. “King of Consorts. A prince no longer! Not to rag on the tiara but you look quite dashing in a crown.”

Dirk flushes. Looks down again. Glances around the area and leans to carefully lift the first crown Jake had crafted. It has richer greens, less flowers, more marshmallows. It suits him.

“And you,” Dirk says, moving to place it on his head. “My king.”

“Shucks,” Jake sighs. “What a coronation! Let’s take a commemorative picture, shall we? I’d hate for the others to think they missed out on the engagement!”


[All readership personnel should abide by the following Content Warnings: torture, clinical descriptions of impermanent death, repeated suicide mentionings, human capture and containment, jaw restraints, electrocution, DirkJake, and SCP-related horror.]


Item #: SCP-1112
Object Class: Keter
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-1112 is to be held within Bunker-4 at Research Locale-13 on the coastal edge of ████, California. Bunker-4 is to be thoroughly soundproofed while in use as containment for SCP-1112.

SCP-1112 has shown to be physically aggressive and a potential hazard to personnel mental health. It is to be nullified under the following mandated procedures: metal binding of the lower jaw, placement and enforcement of a 50 milliamp containment collar, and set weekly sedation. SCP-1112 is to be secured in complete isolation at all times. Any personnel found interacting with SCP-1112 on a physical, psychological, communicative, emotive, metaphysical, or otherwise subhuman level without approved clearance will be terminated from their current assignment and demoted to D-class personnel.

SCP-1112 will be subject to a monthly interview under sedation. Any research personnel experiencing negative mental or emotional side-effects upon the continued study of SCP-1112 should report to Dr. [REDACTED] for psychological evaluation. Extensive conditioning or reassignment may be required.

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High School AU Headcanon Corner:

Dave paid Rose in Barnes and Noble’s giftcards to go to prom with him.

  • They ended up ditching and heading to cash in her sweet loot before the store closed though.
  • Then they made out in the children’s section.

Rose is one of five followers on Dave’s selfies blog.

  • He constantly changes the URL to avoid her.
  • She always finds it again. 

Rose first met Dave in second grade when he was reading Edgar Allan Poe under the pretense of it being full of “dope rhymes” and that it was “hella ironic” for a cool kid like him to be reading it.

  • She could tell he actually liked it, and complemented him on his taste in his quote: “literature rap”. 
  • She ended up pulling out some Emily Dickinson and read by him every recess after that.
  • He still refuses to call it poetry.

They write stories together, and compete for who can turn in the most illegible insane complex metaphor-filled English papers.

  • It’s usually a draw.
  • Rose never gives it away that Dave’s intelligent to his “cool friends” since he asked her not to.
  • She still teases him about hiding it though.

They both end up graduating and heading to California for college.

  • They room together and occasionally Skype with John and Jade.
  • Their apartment is a cluttered mess though.
  • They like it like that. 

nonononono look your land is supposed to challenge you to help you become a better person not reflect your needs that’s why rose’s was so bright and colorful and john’s so dark and jade’s so cold. 

Dave was insecure enough to the point he had to desperately hold onto his “cool kid” persona and needed a lot of attention. His land is desolate.

Dirk has serious control and anxiety issues. His land is a giant city.

It puts you out of your comfort zone.

The Artist

#needles #tattooing

I was thinking about what kind of humans Homestuck Mythos!Dirk would fall in love with. Because even if he does reconcile romantically with Jake it’s impossible to ask two people to stay together for literal eternity.

So he doesn’t mean to, but in bouts of loneliness and droughts of affection (particularly as the others grow more abstract, more godlike, less human) he will seek a mortal partner. Someone he can vent fondness and give a little of his heart to when it threatens to spill over with emotion. He never means to fall in love, it just sort of happens, even when immortal/human relations are instant heartbreak from the very first kiss.

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Scientific Marvel | DirkHal | E

DirkHal robo-tentacle porn ft. asphyxiation. Inspired by our very own @mortior’s Endangered AU. Thanks for the nice setting for smut, friend.

Also written for The Interdimensional Lil Hal Appreciation Day. A noble effort inspired by the DirkHal gem otherwise known as @jaboody.


He’s a slithering mass of metal-plated tentacles above Dirk. Each one pulses with a deep, red glow that stripes along the appendages like the warning marks of a poisonous snake.

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Summon | Dirk/Demon!Jake

You spend hours looking through the tomes Rose lends you. Sifting through pages on familiars, summons, lesser demons, greater demons, witch alliances, the works.

You don’t know why you’re looking towards such unearthly, hellish methods of obtaining a boyfriend. If you knew you were going to stoop this low you would have just created an account on three months ago.

Regardless of your methods, though, it’s a universal truth that you’re getting desperate.

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(Bonus little smut fic because AUs are my passion. Merman!Dirk/human!Jake. NSFW.)

Dirk struggles in grasping the differences between merpeople and human sexual rituals.


Your feet dangled in the water from where you were perched out at sea. The rock beneath you was sturdy and the shore wasn’t too far away, but the murkiness of the constantly-shifting water in the growing dusk was enough to spark your apprehension. Mixed with the fact that Dirk was currently submerged up to the bridge of his nose, his eyelids heavy and his pupils blown to an inhuman proportion, you were having unprecedented doubts about the whole ordeal.

You glanced down at you swim trunks warily. Your fingers found a grip on a fold in the material and fiddled with it, trying to find words to reply to Dirk’s expectant gaze.

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DIRKJAKE WEEK DAY 1: Favorite Canon Moment

I decided to take some liberties with the prompt and craft AUs reflecting follower-requested moments from canon. A re-imagining of favorite canon moments, if you will.

@strider-obsessed said: The part where Dirk is going to tell jake that he’s from the future but jake thinks it’s something else and so he gets all sweaty and nervous because tbh I relate

You, Jake English, know three things about Dirk Strider, the elusive transfer student to your nondescript high school, class of ’89.

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DirkJake Dystopian AU


He’s a pretty little thing with bright eyes and too-wide ears. Glasses. Buck teeth. He grins at you, nervous, as you press what he so innocently defined as “doodads” to each of his temples and the base of his skull.

“You’re one of them science fellows,” he comments, shrugging away when you lift his chin to press a breathing monitor to the right divot in his neck. He doesn’t have much room to squirm between the restraints around his arms and wrists, but he attempts to anyway.

You stare at him dully.

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DirkJake ft. praise kink and anonymous cybering. Enjoy.

– – Anonymous [TT] began messaging Anonymous [GT] – –
TT: Hello.
GT: Hello there chum!
TT: Hi.
GT: Heya.
TT: Hey.
TT: Yeah.
TT: I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’m doing.
TT: In here and in general.
GT: Oh arent you a dear. Nervous?
TT: That’s a fair assumption.
TT: I’ve never done this. You’d think for someone who spends such a vast amount of time browsing the ‘net I’d have gotten around to trying livechat cybering by now.

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Angsty DirkJake Superhero AU™ (part ½ prob)

Warnings for: human experimentation, a forced kiss, and general villainous city-destroying, nemesis-tying-up, torture-threatening douchebaggery.

Also I’m oddly going to do something social tonight so Problem Stuck has been rescheduled for tomorrow, since I can’t post-n’-go and have to actually, you know, be around to draw/write/run it.


“Hello, ‘The Incredible Mr. English,’” a voice calls. You’re just coming back to consciousness—head throbbing and world fuzzy beyond unspectacled pupils. Your supersuit feels sweltering beneath durable restraints across your limbs and chest. There is a headlight placed blindingly above. You squint up at it.

“Or should I say, Jake Harley.”

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Let’s talk about childhood grief and how Hussie is not only addressing it, but also discussing the different forms of it. It’s no surprise at this point that Homestuck has transformed from a zany and relatively weird fan-driven comic into a giant epic focused not only on an incredibly complicated story, but also heavily upon the development of characters. It’s fairly obvious—especially in the newer acts—that these developments are keyed towards the readers as inspiration and relatability in their own lives. Whether it be an addiction or a bad relationship or your own self-esteem, Homestuck has probably given a shout out to your problem at some point. Because as much as we complain about how being a teenager is hard and no one understands, with that many well-developed characters Hussie was bound to hit a majority of the common teenage and young adult issues. However, the most notable of these issues, or at least of the ones apparent in the recent updates, is the idea of moving on from your childhood. Which is something I, as someone who has had a breakdown every year around her birthday since she was five, relate and recognize as a serious problem, and as something I’ve observed everyone handles differently. In fact, all of the of the eight kids are experiencing it  some way right now.

John delving himself back into ConAir and Ghostbusters and shit he’s probably told himself he’s too old for, reminiscing over his lost childhood. Rose drinking her problems away (in order to mimic her late mother, to add salt to the wound) and regretting her rebellious attitude and need to grow up faster than what’s healthy. Dave, sweet precious Dave, who got thrust back into his old room only to ramble to himself about the things he will never get to do and the things he took for granted in the past. Dave, who is now completely frozen and unwilling to move forward towards his destiny, both physically and emotionally. The Alpha Kids together, who learned the very unsugar-coated way (punintended) that there is no easy way out and you just have to keep moving forward.

And now we have Jake alone, who just wants things to go back to the way they used to be. He wants to go back to his island, but that’s contradictory to the plot. The whole point of the game is to grow, isn’t it? Jake is at a point that could be considered what the comic defines as a catharsis. You can either stay frozen, or you can push through your breaking point and pray things will get better. Jake is experiencing very human emotions right now, but he can still grow from this breakdown—hell, he can still continue to grieve his childhood—but he cannot let it stop him, especially considering many of us still believe him to be a key piece in winning this very, very long game.

This is getting kinda long, but I just want to share my love for recognition for problems like this, and the fact that while the kids are working through them they are not easily solvable. Stories are often focused around a character’s journey out of adolescence, but more often than not have the character inhumanly excited about something that really fucking sucks. Media almost glamorizes the future. But in truth it sucks to grow up. It sucks to have responsibility. It sucks to admit that you were a naive little kid for your entire childhood. It sucks to admit you never appreciated it like you should have. The fact that this comic not only acknowledges it, but has a large percentage of characters deal with it (all differently, mind you, there is no such thing as two characters with the same personality in Homestuck) is actually really inspiring. You can argue about Homestuck and its worth a lot of ways, but at the end of the day underneath all the insanity and weird time shit, there’s something completely real in there.

Okay, ramble over. Point is Homestuck is really rad.