Things Dirk Strider will do in the new universe:
-Get hyperfocused and obnoxiously clinical about the community garden. Measures the water with a graduated cylinder. Keeps detailed reports of each plant’s growth. Accidentally names a few after classical philosophers and rap artists. Jade paints him little signs for his favorites. Rose throws him a small, ironic funeral when Plato and Tupac get trampled on a particularly windy day.
-Come to the earth-shattering conclusion that he’s really, really terrible at sports. Like, holy shit. It’s bad. His mind tries to cross-calculate applied force and windspeed and height and arc and – oh look, Jake has scored a goal again.
-Be co-captain of the scientific board championing the movement to figure out if Carapaces have dicks.
-Absolutely destroy Dave in a rap battle. Meanwhile Rose is studying gothic poetry with a sick beat playing in the background, plotting revenge for her brother’s honor.
-Somehow convince John that he subsisted entirely off of Gushers when he was a child. Because that shit doesn’t go bad, John. I was a meek, starving kid stranded in the post-apocalypse. I’m not proud of it – but I did what I had to do with what I could do. John looks a bit queasy and gives Dirk an extra big portion when it’s his turn to cook dinner.
-Awkwardly sidestep every parental, comforting hug Roxy, Jane, and Dad try to give him. They’re getting desperate. Dirk has a conspiracy theory they’re all in cahoots to finally corner him.
-Alpha kid cuddle piles ft. Calliope. Though this one goes without saying.