Week One aka Bad Boys, Doll Boys, WhaBoom Boys, Oh My
Just as the sun rises each day, so a new season of The
Bachelorette begins this week. Try as we might to avoid it, try as the world
might to progress past the point wherein this show could possibly still find
cultural relevance, The Bachelor franchise somehow pulls us back time and
again. Some of you have been on this journey since the beginning; others are
newcomers, curious to explore. And yet all of us must ask the same question:
Why does this show have such lasting power? Why, in the age
of Tinder dating and declining marriage rates, does it still click for us? Is
it that at our core we still believe in the idea of grand romance, and this
contrived televised mating spectacle somehow counts? Is it because it appeals
to our more primordial sensibilities, the same kind of entertainment as the
gladiators fighting to the death for the pride of Rome, Sir Jorah fighting for
Khaleesi in the Pits of Meereen, or the two iguanas I saw on spring break
battling for the resort’s one lady iguana? Do we get the same sick satisfaction
watching thirty dudebros in bowties fight to the elimination for the heart of
some hot stranger on TV?
Come seek the answers with me, friends. Let’s dive in.
Here’s What Happened Monday
RACHEL LINDSAY IS BACK Y’ALL! She’s a smart lawyer from
Dallas with a good blowout who knows how to play b-ball by herself and say
lawyer things like “Objection, your honor, speculation!” She was dumped last season by a
turtleneck-wearing dingdong I refuse to name, but now she’s back in the
spotlight and ready to find The One.
As we all know, no one can find The One without the advice
of The Many. Two white-haired grannies approach Rachel in the park and urge her
not to “sleep with all’a them!” while her former-Bachelor-competitors-turned-Swiftian-lady-squad
earnestly and innocently encourage her to “let someone go hard for her” – both
wise and caring sentiments, shared by the elderly and the most recent losers of
But alas, advice aside, Rachel is only here for one reason:
FAME. Well, and the dudes. Probably mostly the dudes.
Let’s Meet Some Of These Nincompoops
Kenny is equal parts loving father and Nacho Libre. Fall as
we might for his sweet smile and easy-going charm, we see him in a speedo in
the first five minutes of the season and that cannot be unseen.
Alex is a meathead who tries to convince us he is not a
meathead by lifting the heavy books he can’t read. In his free time he appears
to enjoy spearing kabobs with his mother and smiling at Rubix cubes. He tries
to impress Rachel by introducing her to his vacuum, and that isn’t even an
Josiah is a lawyer with a bad boy sob story past and too
many wide-neck sweaters. He refers to Rachel (a stranger) as “his wife” and to
himself as Josiah. Those who speak in the third person are, as we all know,
inherently trustworthy people.
Jack Stone, this season’s resident firsty-lasty, is a fellow
Dallas lawyer who does not blink a single time in this episode.
Lucas is basically a rabid Colin Hanks, who – like Ryan
Lochte, Charlie Sheen, and all our other favorite douchebags – has coined his
own signature phrase. You know that kid in grade school who spent ninety
percent of his day out of his seat giving the teacher reasons to stay in
Blake E. is somehow a worse version of Robbie from Jojo’s
season. He loves the drums and his own… drumstick. He hates Lucas.
Blake K. believes in love because his grandparents didn’t do
The Bachelor but still got married.
Take A Break. Stretch. Lot of Nincompoops To Get Through.
Bryce is a firefighter who isn’t shirtless even once this
episode, which completely defeats the purpose of him being a firefighter.
Dean masterfully flexes his woman-wooing muscles by arriving
in a floral tie, repeating his not-at-all-cringey “once you go black you never
go back” line, then inviting her to play in a sandbox.
Eric seems like a nice young man but to be honest I’m pretty
sure he’s dead. The way he sulks around in his quiet, unsettling way and wears
the oversized suit he was buried in… I don’t know. I’m just pretty sure he’s
DeMario seems sweet around Rachel but we know he’s the
bad-intentioned boy Whitney warned her about! I’m bored.
Adam, handsome dude, brings with him a downright
nightmare-inducing child-size doll of himself named Adam Jr. The only redeeming
aspect of AJ’s presence is one of the other contestant’s description of the
doll’s “fresh dress and dope fade.”
Matt shows up wearing a penguin suit and I can only hope
that Rachel does the right thing and texts Alexis to grant her dibs.
Not unlike the connection between the French president and
his high-school-teacher-turned-wife, Fred was one of the bad kids at camp when
Rachel was his counselor. The fact that she can’t get over how bad he was even
though he’s fine as hell now says something about how truly terrorizing he must
Last but not least, Bryan is the sultry chiropractor who
proves the age-old fact that the hottest way to seduce a woman is to talk at
her in a language she can’t understand. Later, he sticks his tongue in Rachel’s
mouth without warning (apparently missing the memo that consent is super in
right now) and somehow that earns him the First Impression Rose. Romance!
Get u a man who looks at
you like Chris Harrison looks at the newest Bachelor/Bachelorette getting out
of a limo
I screamed seeing Alexis at the beginning of the episode,
followed quickly by “who the f*ck is Whitney?”
At one point I envisioned
Chris Harrison with a mustache and it was devastating
Until I learn all their
names, I’m going to have a lot of notes like: “Rachel puts on fur, talks to a
I’m fairly confident
every dude whose name I didn’t know was actually named Blake. I counted six