suits is a pretty show with pretty boys in suits

6

well damn wonho, show kihyun what you really got 

Week One aka Bad Boys, Doll Boys, WhaBoom Boys, Oh My

Dear friends,

Just as the sun rises each day, so a new season of The Bachelorette begins this week. Try as we might to avoid it, try as the world might to progress past the point wherein this show could possibly still find cultural relevance, The Bachelor franchise somehow pulls us back time and again. Some of you have been on this journey since the beginning; others are newcomers, curious to explore. And yet all of us must ask the same question: why?

Why does this show have such lasting power? Why, in the age of Tinder dating and declining marriage rates, does it still click for us? Is it that at our core we still believe in the idea of grand romance, and this contrived televised mating spectacle somehow counts? Is it because it appeals to our more primordial sensibilities, the same kind of entertainment as the gladiators fighting to the death for the pride of Rome, Sir Jorah fighting for Khaleesi in the Pits of Meereen, or the two iguanas I saw on spring break battling for the resort’s one lady iguana? Do we get the same sick satisfaction watching thirty dudebros in bowties fight to the elimination for the heart of some hot stranger on TV?

Come seek the answers with me, friends. Let’s dive in.

Here’s What Happened Monday

  • RACHEL LINDSAY IS BACK Y’ALL! She’s a smart lawyer from Dallas with a good blowout who knows how to play b-ball by herself and say lawyer things like “Objection, your honor, speculation!”  She was dumped last season by a turtleneck-wearing dingdong I refuse to name, but now she’s back in the spotlight and ready to find The One.
  • As we all know, no one can find The One without the advice of The Many. Two white-haired grannies approach Rachel in the park and urge her not to “sleep with all’a them!” while her former-Bachelor-competitors-turned-Swiftian-lady-squad earnestly and innocently encourage her to “let someone go hard for her” – both wise and caring sentiments, shared by the elderly and the most recent losers of the show.
  • But alas, advice aside, Rachel is only here for one reason: FAME. Well, and the dudes. Probably mostly the dudes.

Let’s Meet Some Of These Nincompoops

  • Kenny is equal parts loving father and Nacho Libre. Fall as we might for his sweet smile and easy-going charm, we see him in a speedo in the first five minutes of the season and that cannot be unseen.
  • Alex is a meathead who tries to convince us he is not a meathead by lifting the heavy books he can’t read. In his free time he appears to enjoy spearing kabobs with his mother and smiling at Rubix cubes. He tries to impress Rachel by introducing her to his vacuum, and that isn’t even an innuendo.
  • Josiah is a lawyer with a bad boy sob story past and too many wide-neck sweaters. He refers to Rachel (a stranger) as “his wife” and to himself as Josiah. Those who speak in the third person are, as we all know, inherently trustworthy people.
  • Jack Stone, this season’s resident firsty-lasty, is a fellow Dallas lawyer who does not blink a single time in this episode.
  • Lucas is basically a rabid Colin Hanks, who – like Ryan Lochte, Charlie Sheen, and all our other favorite douchebags – has coined his own signature phrase. You know that kid in grade school who spent ninety percent of his day out of his seat giving the teacher reasons to stay in therapy? Whaboom!
  • Blake E. is somehow a worse version of Robbie from Jojo’s season. He loves the drums and his own… drumstick. He hates Lucas.
  • Blake K. believes in love because his grandparents didn’t do The Bachelor but still got married.

Take A Break. Stretch. Lot of Nincompoops To Get Through.

  • Bryce is a firefighter who isn’t shirtless even once this episode, which completely defeats the purpose of him being a firefighter.
  • Dean masterfully flexes his woman-wooing muscles by arriving in a floral tie, repeating his not-at-all-cringey “once you go black you never go back” line, then inviting her to play in a sandbox.
  • Eric seems like a nice young man but to be honest I’m pretty sure he’s dead. The way he sulks around in his quiet, unsettling way and wears the oversized suit he was buried in… I don’t know. I’m just pretty sure he’s dead.
  • DeMario seems sweet around Rachel but we know he’s the bad-intentioned boy Whitney warned her about! I’m bored.
  • Adam, handsome dude, brings with him a downright nightmare-inducing child-size doll of himself named Adam Jr. The only redeeming aspect of AJ’s presence is one of the other contestant’s description of the doll’s “fresh dress and dope fade.”
  • Matt shows up wearing a penguin suit and I can only hope that Rachel does the right thing and texts Alexis to grant her dibs.
  • Not unlike the connection between the French president and his high-school-teacher-turned-wife, Fred was one of the bad kids at camp when Rachel was his counselor. The fact that she can’t get over how bad he was even though he’s fine as hell now says something about how truly terrorizing he must have been.
  • Last but not least, Bryan is the sultry chiropractor who proves the age-old fact that the hottest way to seduce a woman is to talk at her in a language she can’t understand. Later, he sticks his tongue in Rachel’s mouth without warning (apparently missing the memo that consent is super in right now) and somehow that earns him the First Impression Rose. Romance!

Miscellaneous

  • Get u a man who looks at you like Chris Harrison looks at the newest Bachelor/Bachelorette getting out of a limo
  • I screamed seeing Alexis at the beginning of the episode, followed quickly by “who the f*ck is Whitney?”
  • At one point I envisioned Chris Harrison with a mustache and it was devastating
  • Until I learn all their names, I’m going to have a lot of notes like: “Rachel puts on fur, talks to a bald man”
  • I’m fairly confident every dude whose name I didn’t know was actually named Blake. I counted six Blakes.
  • I can’t wait for next week