Don’t tell me I’m a deserter. Don’t tell me I’m a sinner for not believing. Don’t tell me I’ll be punished for being curious. Don’t tell me to just simply ‘believe and all will be well’. I did believe and you know what still happened? My mother had cancer, I’ve lost three people in the space of such a small time, my mother tried to commit suicide twice, my father tried once, I myself have thought about it. Dealing with my depression has been a constant battle, my anxiety peaks at the worst times and my OCD prevented me from leaving the house for a period of time, afraid that if I did someone else would get in. So, don’t tell me to have faith. I did. I tried to live as peacefully and respectfully as I could, I did what I could to help and be a good person. But all that shit still happened. And worse, what about all the starving children who die daily? The wars that are constantly raging, the people dying at the hands of criminals and tyrants? What about the women, children and men abused? What did they do to deserve that? Don’t sit there and tell me I’m ignorant, that I’m evil. Don’t tell me I abandoned my faith. I’d like to believe, trust me, I would and wish I could. But if anyone’s been abandoned, it’s us. Don’t you think? Or maybe, we as humans have abandoned the very thing that made us human; care, compassion, emotion - our humanity. At the end, it’s humans hurting other humans, maybe that’s why we’ll one day destroy one another. For a species so intelligent, we always fall short in one place. In growing up, we have become ‘experienced’ and lost the thing that made us special, our 'innocence’. We have become the very monsters we feared as children.
There are people who both know about my traumas, and also know about what I did with my life afterwards. All too often, these people challenge me because of choices I’ve made in how to live my life, or how I chose to deal with certain things. And by challenge me I mean in the, “you’re abuse couldn’t have been real then” sort of way. I shouldn’t have to defend my choices to anybody, yet here we are.
So there's a chance I might be a bastard. I might be the result of an affair. I've known for a couple years but the reality of it never really hit me until tonight. And I'm never going to know. My mom cheated on my dad, and idk if that was right or wrong bc my dad emotionally (and maybe physically) abused her. I'm never going to know if the man I call my father is my real dad, bc I can't just say "oh hey we should do a genetics test or whatever to see if we're actually related" (continued)
The man my mom cheated with is dead. I don’t know anything about him other than his first name. He died after my mom found out she was pregnant with me. My mom thinks he committed suicide. There’s a chance that he might be my real father, and he might’ve committed suicide. I’m never going to know the truth bc no matter how much I’m told that I look like my ‘dad’ I’m never going to believe it unless I get tested. I might be living proof of my parents’ broken relationship but I’ll never truly know
If your blood type is not the same as your parents, well you have your answer. But, there is so much more about a dad than just giving the sperm to create you. I don’t know your relationship with your dad, but if it’s a good one, just because he might not have your blood, it doesn’t mean he is not your father, he raised you, he cares about, he loves you, that’s a father.
I know it’s hard but that other man is gone and you’ll never know him, he could be your biological father but that doesn’t really make him a father. I know saying this won’t make you feel better, but hopefully, with time, it will.