As an introvert, I did get off the sugaring sites, but it took me quite a while to get off the internet. I used Tinder to find the three gift daddies that I had. Last month, I went free styling for the first time.
There is a general horror around free styling that, trust me, I understand. If I didn’t have to leave my house, I wouldn’t. But I realized a few things. The sugar sites are not set up for you to succeed. We, as sugar babies, are the draw that is used to attract men with money and unrealistic dreams.
Do you want to have the perfect relationship? A young, beautiful, smart woman who will hang off your every word and, unlike escorts, will be with you and you alone for a fraction of the price that escorts are demanding? Sign up for a membership with our site at the low price of $39.99/month and become a sugar daddy tonight!
While this might not be the exact language the sites are using, I guarantee if you go on any of the sugar sites you will see something similar being touted to men. I also promise that the men that have the real potential to be amazing sugar daddies and give you things you didn’t believe that you could get aren’t on these sites.
And, honey, maybe you haven’t noticed but online dating-sugar or vanilla- is not set up for black women to succeed. I’ll say it once more. You’re far more likely to find the man you’re looking for when you let go of the sugar sites. So what happens next? Next, you change your mindset. There is one thing that needs adjustment, your attitude, in two different areas. The first is what a sugar daddy looks like. Maybe you don’t have this problem. But I do. I tend to find myself thinking that sugar daddies look a certain way. They’re white and in their 40’s-50’s. Most of them are married. But this isn’t what sugar daddies look like. They can be any age. They can be any race. They can be anywhere. When it’s time to free style, don’t think that if a Black man, an Asian man, a Martian, whatever, approaches you that because they don’t fit in with the idea of what you think an SD looks like you can’t pay any attention to them.
There will be three types of men that you’ll meet when you go out: cheap men that would like your time and attention for free, men that will simply ask how much you want or make it known that they have no problem paying you, and men that are willing to spend money on you but need some type of connection with you first. Ugh, connection. Don’t you hate that word? Men should just hand us money because we asked for it right? We’re young, we’re beautiful, we’re smart. Just fork over the coins.
But consider this. How often do you give money to complete strangers because they asked for it? How often have you walked up to an attractive or interesting looking person with $5 that you know you don’t need and said: “here this is for you just because you look cool or like you needed a little help”? Never right? If we were a society where that was the norm homelessness would not be an issue. No, we give our money to people we like, to people that have bettered our lives in some way, to people we trust. But, still. That word-connection. Months and months of dates. Maybe even putting out. That must be what I mean, right? Nope. Not what I mean at all. A connection can be made in 15 minutes or 15 months. It really just depends on how well your personality meshes with his.
How do you tell these men apart? Let’s build a scenario, shall we? Let’s say you meet a man at a bar. You each talk a bit about who you are and what you do for a living. His job sounds promising. You don’t know exactly how much he makes but when you google it in the bathroom after touching up your lipstick you see that it’s an acceptable amount. He buys you a drink to continue the conversation you’ve already started, but when the night ends, he doesn’t pick up the tab you had started before he sat down. Splenda! Salt! That’s what Tumblr will tell you. I say wait. You spend some time texting. He says he wants to take you out. This is when we find out what kind of man he is by analyzing a few things:
Where does he want to meet? TGIFridays or one of the best restaurants/bars in the city. Look at where he wants to take you and why. If he asks you where you want to eat and then shoots it down because it’s overpriced or “just not his scene” you have two options: dig your heels in or run. My first meeting with Bentley took some time to plan because he shot down the restaurants that I chose as not being good enough for a first date. It was a good first sign.
How and what do they order? We know what a man who doesn’t want to spend a lot of money looks like when he orders at a restaurant or bar. He asks if there are any discounts or deals. Asks what’s the best and cheapest drink or food item on the menu. Makes “jokes” about how expensive everything is.
How do they look when you order? A man that asks if you want anything else after you’ve decided what you want is a keeper. A man that asks what you want scans the menu and then asks if you’re sure you want those things or if you’d be happy with something cheaper presents you with two options: to dig your heels in or run.
What are they talking to you about? A man that talks about sex as soon as he meets you only wants you for one thing and it ain’t playing cards. Now, if he’s willing to compensate you for that time in a way that you find acceptable, fine. Get your money girl. If you want a man that cares about you as an individual but he can’t stop talking about how well he’s doing on Viagra, you have two options. Dig in or run. I suggest you run, but this is your life, not mine
When the date is over, look at this man’s behavior. You’ll know if he’s the type of man that you can keep in your life. If he isn’t, let him go. LET HIM GO! Don’t, please friend, don’t hang on to a man because you don’t think that you’ll be able to get another. This game isn’t for the desperate that need quick cash because their life is falling apart. This is going to take time. You’ll find yourself getting dressed up and going out quite a few times before you find a man that you’re willing to stick with. If you understand this from the beginning, that reaching any goal is going to take time, you’ll be far less likely to fail.
You do have one thing on your side. Men know that it is their responsibility to take care of the women in their lives. Vanilla men know this. They know. I’m going to say it one more time, best friend so it really sinks in. All men know that it is their responsibility to take care of the women in their lives. What’s more, they know that the younger and better looking a woman is, the more they will have to spend. Your job is not to convince a man to spend money on you. He already knows he should. Your job is to separate the men willing to spend from the men not willing to spend by opening up your mouth and talking about what you want. Talk about college and the class that you’re going to be taking, but god isn’t it crazy how expensive books are? Talk about how much you love to write, but your laptop broke. Talk about how you want to get into digital photography but don’t know what camera to get or if you can afford to buy one. Give it a couple weeks. The right man will show up with a laptop, or an iPad, or a book, or a camera or whatever it is you say you need. The wrong man won’t have made it past the first date.
Happy hunting, best friend.
Best friend, be honest, what did you think? Do you think you could ever get off the sugar sites? Go free styling? Do you think my approach makes any sense or is something that could work for you? Leave me a comment and let me know so we can talk about it.
I’m on a roll today haha. Been typing these out as I think of them
all week, so here is a list of things in order of what I perceive to be
least to most talked about:
1. Be able to leave at any time.
You never know when you’re going to have to make a run for it or if you
feel unsafe and need to bounce. This includes:
Know your exits. Not
all places have the exit the same as the entrance. Figure out where
the exit is either before you walk in or as soon as you do.
Keep all your things as close together as possible.
Pretty easy if you’re in a public place, but if you are at a hotel or
his house or something, try to either keep everything packed or all your
things in one place. This makes you look neat and organized too, or at
least you can claim that if he calls you on it.
When you’re done brushing your teeth, pack away your toothbrush again. This goes for everything. When you use it, put it back.
Keep your dirty clothes folded next to your suitcase, if not in it.
Keep your purse on your person
or with your things. I usually put it on the nightstand so it’s easy
to remember, and my clothes/rest of my things usually end up next to the
bed anyway. Take your bag to the bathroom, especially if there are
things inside that reveal your identity if you don’t want him to see.
If you take off your clothes, leave them right-side-out. If
you don’t do it as you take your clothes off, just fix them as soon as
they’re off. Leave all your clothes in one place. If you’re naked and
need to run, this speeds up the process and you don’t look a complete
mess when you get outside.
For your shirt, grab the
bottom hem and pull it over your head. Once the neck clears your head,
take the hem of one sleeve and pull your arm out of it. Then use that
arm to hold both sleeves as you remove your other arm. This leaves you
holding both sleeves by the ends as the shirt hangs down and your shirt
stays ready to be put on quickly.
For your pants, step on the
hem with one foot to slide the other leg out. Might be a little tough
with skinny jeans or leggings, but try to pull from the bottoms and
slide out instead of peeling them off your body.
Have the number for a local taxi service saved in your phone. Or Uber, or a friend nearby, or whatever you feel like. Don’t rely on him to get you home.
Pack a pair of flats if you can because running in heels is way too hard.
If you do need to leave,
put on your underwear, then pants. Don’t need to wear the bra. Put on
your shirt, grab your things and leave. Run to the staircase–don’t
risk the elevator in case a bunch of people with luggage hold it up long
enough for him to find you there. Go barefoot down the stairs, then
put on your shoes after you’ve reached the bottom. At this point you
should be holding your purse and bra, maybe socks, jacket, heels if you
packed flats, and jewelry. As you walk to the door, put your jewelry
and bra in your purse if you can. Put socks in the heels, or hold them
if you’re wearing the heels. Get into the taxi. Put your bra on around
your stomach, then pull it up under your shirt so you’re wearing it
like a strapless bra (you can fix this later if you want). Put on your
socks if you have them. Double check that you grabbed everything. Get
2. Have a safe place to go to if needed.
This is anywhere very public and preferably somewhere you cannot be
followed. Know how to get there from wherever you are.
If you have a membership at a gym, they usually check membership cards at the door.
If you are military/dependent, go on base.
to your place of work and hide in the break room. If your coworkers
ask, say it was a Tinder date gone wrong and this creepy old guy is
Worst case scenario, go to the bathroom in a
public place. Enlist the help of other women in there/call the hostess
of the restaurant or a nearby store and explain the situation.
3. Put your phone on airplane mode.
Turn WiFi and location off. I’ve seen it mentioned before where people
pop up as Facebook suggestions. If you spend a lot of time in the same
area as someone, Facebook knows. Even with location off, it can tell
your location via WiFi access point and which cell your phone is
connected to. Turning off location and WiFi will help, but you need to
disconnect your phone from service to block that avenue too. I would
say turn your phone off entirely, but my phone takes 6 million years to
power on, so that could be dangerous in an emergency. Turning off
airplane mode can allow you to reconnect quickly to service. (This is
also useful because then your phone won’t be buzzing and stuff. No
4. Tell a friend where you’re going and what time
you expect to be back. Keep them updated with changes. Even if they
don’t respond, having it in writing somewhere can keep you safe if
anything happens. Message me where you’re going if you don’t have
anyone else idgaf.
5. Ask for everything upfront. Whatever
you agreed on (cash, gifts, dinner, whatever), make sure you get it
first. I feel like everyone on Tumblr already knows this, but maybe one
person will read this who hadn’t read it elsewhere and it’ll help.
1. Always confirm the same day that you guys are meeting. These men have crazy schedules and they can cancel on you same day, best to know before you do your hair & makeup.
2. Never drive or uber a long distance to meet them. They should offer to come to you and if they don’t they should offer to uber you. I always get ubered to my dates, I never give them my real address obviously but somewhere close that I could walk or a place I could drive to and leave my car. Driving or ubering a far distance because he said he would reimburse you isn’t worth the risk. These men ain’t shit! they will lie to you. Don’t risk being out of gas or money, never worth it.
3. Always vet them before you meet them, nothing worse than going on POT date to find out he wants to pay you 200 per meeting. ASk questions nothing to invasive but just enough to see if can meet your needs. If you want monthly allowances make sure he’s open to that. IF he wants to do per meet to start, discuss how much. You can obviously negotiate a better price in person, but make sure you guys are in the same range $$$. Don't’ waste your hair/makeup and a cute outfit on a fuck boy who thinks he’s a sugar daddy. NEVER go on the POT with someone who gives you weird vibes, I mean if he’s weird over the phone he probably won’t be better in person, nothing is worth your safety.
4. Be cute but comfortable, Opt for the heels that are more comfortable over the ones that may look better with the outfit. Nothing worst than being out and having your feet hurt the entire time.
5. Be sexy and alluring without showing too much. I have big boobs so no matter what I wear their gonna show, but I always wear dresses that aren’t too tight or show that much cleavage. He may want to take you to social events with his colleagues or friends, you don’t want to show up on your first encounter with your boobs out or a dress that barely covers your ass. You want to give off a lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets vibe. You don’t have to spend much to look great, Forever 21 or Zara has great dress options that are affordable. Macy’s always has in store sales on shoes ( Got a couple of heels from there), DSW also. A little black dress with some cute heels and some simple accessories can go a long way, ladies. For new sugars, you can spend under 100 bucks buy a cute outfit that you can re-wear to multiple POT dates. Ball on a budget until you can get him to take you, to Saks ;)
6. Knowledge is key! reading book Ho Tactics and the art of seduction has really stepped my sugar skills up. Body language and confidence is everything! This may sound silly but I practice my faces in the mirror so I can get an idea of what I’m looking like when I say certain things, also what angles i look best in so I know how to tilt my head or smile. You have to mindfuck these to give you everything you want but never had. I always give eye contact it shows that you are really engaged it also turns guys on. I always order martinis or wine because of the way the glass fit in your hand. Eating a olive off a toothpick while eye fucking a guy will drive him crazy. Always ask follow up questions, whens he’s going on and on about his job or life, in general, show that your interested make comments be engaging. Also, brush up on current events, I use the SKIMM to help keep me up to date on current events. Be pretty but also cultured.
7. Always choose a high-end restaurant in your area. I usually yelp and look for restaurants with $$$ that has the best reviews, I legit have been to areas in D.C that I wouldn’t have been able to afford or even heard of. Set your standards high and don’t lower them. Don’t ever go out with a guy who thinks going to some cheap chain restaurant is acceptable. Like your makeup shouldn’t cost more than the menu. Gain knowledge on the nicest spots in your area, if he wants to take you somewhere lower end that’s the easiest way to spot a Splenda. If it doesn’t go anywhere at least you got to go to a nice ass restaurant, ate some good ass food, and drank some wine that cost as much your textbooks. Still a win.
8. If you’re meeting for a quick date such as Starbucks ( which I don’t even recommend, they give me Splenda vibes) make sure you choose a time when it’s not too pack. You don’t want to walk into a packed Starbucks with the line to door and no seats for your first date it sets an awkward tone. You want to be in a quiet setting where you can discuss the arrangement privately, without random people walking by every minute. Choose a time after lunch, or later in the evening.
9.Safety First! Never give out private information, give out fake email address, phone numbers, etc. The only thing I’m truthful about is that I’m a student and my age. Never get into a POT car, or go back to his place. I also send my friends my location so they know where I’m at all times. Also download a safety app, very useful. If a guy gives you weird vibe excuse yourself to the bathroom and call a uber, try to find a different exit and leave his ass. Never meet up in a sketchy area or place. Make sure the place is public and that it is quiet but moderately packed. Never meet up too late in the night, and don't’ over a drink. Overdrinking puts you in a bad head space which can lead to a bad situation that could be unsafe. I have no more than 3 cocktails on date depending on the time we are together. These sites are filled with psychos, be careful !.
10. Last but not least Never give up the pussy until you get yours. Things happen maybe you drank too much, or he was really cute so the chemistry was there but it is never a good idea to sleep with POT before the arrangement has been hashed out. This is not normal dating and he is not your bf. Unless he’s paying your bills, tuition, rent or aiding your makeup addiction why does he deserve pussy???? Always get your first, these men will fuck and dip out never to be seen again. GIving him quick access will not get your bills paid sis, don’t do it. Before you think about giving him some think about your rent that’s about to be due, the tuition you still have to pay, that car payment, or Rihanna new makeup line that’s about to drop. Pussy is power use it wisely!
Feel free to add on ladies. Pusssy is power, let’s encourage each other and help each other to mindfuck these men! #TeamVagina
I created the sugar list out of need. I needed to songs to get ready to, to boost my confidence to, to remember why I had decided to go pro in the first place. Once I started the list, I found myself listening to and discovering new songs to add to the list. It’s an ever growing monster that I hope you enjoy. There are some songs that would be perfect on this playlist that I avoided because I had exhausted their appeal to me and others because I didn’t like the artist or the message they were providing. This list is just a jumping off point. Tweak it to your hearts content.
Whatever You Like- T.I.- Perhaps one of the first songs I ever heard that talked about sugaring. It’s still a dream. A man that will look me in the eye and say I can have whatever I like? Please, sugar gods, please.
Can’t Tell Me Nothing- Kanye West- This is my reminder that I’m not sugaring for accessories. I’m trying to better myself. To get certain things that will advance me towards my goal. To build a business that will get my money so right, I’ll only have men around for giggles.
All N My Grill- Missy Elliott- To the men who want to text and email and date the women they met on SD sites but don’t want to do the one thing that the site says they should be doing. Why aren’t they paying bills?
She Wants to Move- N.E.R.D. - When it’s time for me to leave you, when it’s time for me to dance, you don’t need to come with me, daddy.
About the Money- T.I.- His second feature on this list and perhaps one of the more obvious songs. If it aint about the money, why are we speaking? What else could you possibly offer?
Mascara- Jazmine Sullivan- Perhaps the song that speaks the most blatantly about life as a sugar baby on this list and the song that I think should be the sugar baby anthem, it’s a reminder to always stay well dressed, always stay ready for more.
Sugaring Up-Keep for the Transition From Cute to BOMBSHELL.
*I upgraded my makeup, because my face is my baby and I need no imperfections.
- I’m a darkskinned Black woman with sometimes oily skin; I use Miracle serum before a moisturizer and BOOM! no oily/greasy makeup.
* I bought a few lingerie sets from VS. Just to make myself feel good. Also, a kimono, BECAUSE WHY NOT?
*I bought new outfits from the Sale section at A'Gaci, Charlotte Russe, and FashionNova. If it didn’t fit I sent it back. I picked up accessories from thrift stores. 😁
*Gel nails! Gel nails! Gel nails! With a classic pedicure once a month. Wax every 3 weeks. Eyebrows threaded.
*Brazilian hair - wig acquired; so I don’t have to worry about my own hair.
*I FEEL LIKE A GODDESS! I attribute the first three costs, as a start-up; and then the last 2 are reoccurring monthly fees. I’m a really good financial planner; so I stay ready. I keep tabs of every CENT that goes in and out. I know my monthly goals. I WORK HARD FOR THE MONEY.
*Before I started sugaring, I may have gotten a glance from men as I walked by. Now, they actually stop and stare. Or stop and actually talk to me. At least once a day, a man stops me to tell me, how gorgeous I am. 😭😂
*Moral of the story: to be a vixen, you just need to be cute and then have money. 😂😂😂
*A POT told me last night. He liked the “cute, girl, without makeup, contacts, and a wig.” I told him, I like who I am now. This is who I always wanted to be. I want to be a trophy wife one day. Once I said that. He changed his tune and said if I put my mind to it, EASY MONEY. LMAO.
When I’m on a date, especially dinner, I’ll giggle when the food comes and be like, “this looks so yummy! I absolutely have to take a picture. I guess it’s just the 18 year old in me.” cue another giggle. “Do you mind?”. My date usually says something like, “You’re so cute. You kids and your technology.” and then he poses for the shot as if I’m taking one of him. I’ve slowly started acting a little naive and I really play on the “this is all so new and amazing to me!” thing, because in my experience, it makes these men feel really good about themselves. It makes them feel like they’re really taking care of some poor girl who needs it and showing her things she wouldn’t normally get.
Don’t get me wrong, I act experienced as hell and let them know I mean business when it comes to allowance talks and stuff, but mainly I just try to have fun.
Point is, you don’t have to follow all the advice you see on Tumblr. You don’t have to act like you’re accustomed to the lifestyle. You don’t have to act naive like me either. Do what feels good to you and what works for you. You got this, sister.
From a book called Sexing the Cherry by Jeanette Winterson:
Let him have his boys nights. Be soft and yielding to his face but have a spine of steel. There is no need to reveal too much about yourself, because he thinks he knows you inside and out. Then, allow him to see a glimpse of another aspect of yourself. If you’re always sugar-sweet, show a sad side or an unexpected streak of cruelty. If you’re always aloof, pretend at vulnerability for just a moment.
Despite all that, sometimes you just really have to sell his richest possession and leave at once. 💁
do not date guys that can’t compliment your lifestyle.
If your like me prefer the finer things in life, vacations, splurging whenever I feel and anything fabulous. Why date a guy who is the complete opposite? Someone who would make you feel guilty about the way you live or even try to change you completely? Don’t get me wrong opposites do attract but does it last? How much are you willing to put up with, is something you should ask yourself. Are you wiling to give up and change what makes you happy to make someone else happy….