sufjan and friends

🎶🎶When You Collect Records🎶🎶
  • Hipster: *moves dusty old boxes out of the way* Whoa, an old record player. It looks like it's in working order too! *runs outside*
  • Hipster: Yo, dad!
  • Dad: What?
  • Hipster: We're getting rid of all of poppop's stuff, right?
  • Dad: There's something you want, isn't there?
  • Hipster: There's this old stereo record player in the attic.
  • Dad: What do you need a record player for?
  • Hipster: My record collection.
  • Dad: I didn't even know they still made those things. Can't you just listen to music on your phone?
  • Hipster: Dad, there's a big difference between listening to music digitally and on record.
  • Dad: Fine, I don't wanna get into it with you right now. You can take the record player. You just have to get someone else to take it to your place for you. My truck's full.
  • Hipster: Thanks dad! *smooches dad on the cheek*
  • *later at hipster's apartment*
  • Friend: So, like Patch Adams ends with Patch Adams half-naked in front of a ton of people. I don't know if it was meant to be funny or like a weird sex thing, but like the movie was just a deeply disturbing character study. I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Hipster: That sounds boring. *unlocks door to apartment* Ta-da! Here it is! My new record player!
  • Friend: New? Looks fucking old to me, dude.
  • Hipster: Well, it is old. That's the appeal. And we're going to listen to the new Sufjan record on it.
  • Friend: Is that actually how you say Sufjan? Apparently, I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time.
  • Hipster: Well, you won't after this record. There's an entire track where he just says his name for four minutes. It's amazing. *plays records*
  • Record Player: *coughs* Hello. Hello! Where am I? Doctor? Hello! Why is it so dark...............................Can I breathe? I can't breath. Oh god, I'm not breathing! Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! I.....................................
  • Hipster: Uh, that's not Sufjan.
  • Friend: It totally isn't. Is it some guest vocalist? I like the new direction he's going in. No instruments or singing, and long stretches of silence. Very experimental.
  • Hipster: *stops record player* I think maybe we should do something else for now.
  • Friend: Fucking lame! I wanted to listen to more Sufjan.
  • *days later at the record store*
  • Hipster: Yo, I think the Sufjan Stevens record I bought from here might be some kind of mispress.
  • Store Clerk: Really? It's a pretty major album. I doubt there'd just be a mispress like that.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but listen to it. It's not Sufjan at all. It's some girl talking.
  • *hipster and clerk listen to a completely normal Sufjan Stevens album together*
  • Store Clerk: What are you talking about? This is definitely Sufjan Stevens.
  • Hipster: Okay, but it wasn't like that when I listened to it at home! I even listened to it with my friend and he heard the same thing!
  • Store Clerk: Maybe there's something wrong with your record player.
  • Hipster: Hmm, maybe there is.
  • *back at the apartment*
  • Hipster: *turns on record player and just listens*
  • Record Player: ...I'm awake again. Why did I black out? Did I even black out? God, I'm not breathing, but it doesn't matter. Why don't I need to breathe? Am I even alive?
  • Hipster: Can you hear me?
  • Record Player: Doctor. Doctor! DOCTOR! Why can't I move? Why can't I feel anything. Keep yourself together. It'll all make sense soon. Calm down. Just breathe deeply. Fuck, I can't breathe! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I CAN'T BREATHE! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR! HELP! HELP ME, PLEASE! I'M STUCK! I CAN'T MOVE! PLEASE HELP ME!
  • Hipster: *turns off record player* It's just a recording, I bet. I can't believe I talked to it like an idiot... *nervously turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: I blacked out again. I blacked out. For how long? Is there even time here? Hell. This is hell, right? Did I go to hell.........................................
  • Hipster: *listens to the record player for hours*
  • Record Player: Negative 6893 bottles of wine on the wall! Negative 6893 bottles of wine! Take one down, pass it around, Negative 6894 bottles of wine on the wall... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME! AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
  • Hipster: *keeps listening*
  • Record Player: Soul of Christ, make me holy, Body of Christ, be my salvation. God, please forgive me. I'm sorry for all of my sins. Please free me. I'm so sorry. Please. Please. Please.
  • Hipster: *still listening*
  • Record Player: FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! SHITTY DOCTOR! FUCK YOU! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! *sobs intensely* FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK EVERYTHING! Please just let me go.
  • Hipster: *nervously walks up to record player and lightly taps on it*
  • Record Player: ...A knock. A KNOCK! PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCK! PLEASE! *record player begins shake violently*
  • Hipster: *backs away in fear*
  • Record Player: HELP! HELP! HELP ME! PLEASE, IF SOMEONE'S THERE, HELP ME! HELP ME! I'M STUCK! GET ME OUT OF HERE, PLEASE!
  • Hipster: *unplugs record player*
  • Hipster: *gets hammer from the closet and begins to break apart record player*
  • Record Player: *drips red*
  • Hipster: W-What? *cracks front of record player open*
  • *rotting viscera falls from the record player*
  • Hipster: O-Oh... *stuffs viscera back into the record player and duct tapes over it*
  • Hipster: *turns record player back on*
  • Record Player: ...I can feel. It hurts. Why does it hurt now? Why does it hurt? Why? Why? Why? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!? *spurts blood through it speakers and begins to gurgle*
  • Record Player: *hops forward* Please just let me go. Please... please. I'll do anything. I just want to see you again. I'm so sorry. This isn't what I asked for. I'm so sorry. *hops forward again and comes unplugged*
  • Record Player: *tips over, bleeding heavily onto the carpet*
  • Hipster: *silently cleans up the mess*
  • *some time later*
  • Hipster: *calls dad* Hey, dad. Oh, nothing. Uh, I just need to borrow your truck, If not tonight sometime this week. I just need to get rid of something. No, no, that's fine, I can do it myself. Yeah, tomorrow morning is perfect. Thanks Love you too. Bye.
  • *the next afternoon*
  • Dad: So, what did you need to get rid of this morning?
  • Hipster: Nothing important. Just some old junk... Dad, what kind of person was poppop?
  • Dad: Well, he was only the greatest man I've known in my life. Really caring, dedicated to his family. When you were born he loved you so much. He was a bit of a loner, though. It took a lot to get him to open up. Even around me and your grandmother. He was a bit like you. Always a huge music lover.
  • Hipster: I see. Was he ever a doctor?
  • Dad: That's a weird thing to ask. Nope. He hated doctors. Didn't trust modern medicine one bit. It's ironic. His cancer probably wouldn't have gotten to him if he did. But, your poppop was always so stubborn.
  • Hipster: Oh, okay then.
  • *some days later*
  • Friend: New carpet?
  • Hipster: Yup, old one was ugly wasn't it. It was time for a change.
  • Friend: That's what I've been telling you! I'm glad you finally came to your senses. What happened to your record player, though?
  • Hipster: That thing? I threw it away. It was busted.
  • Friend: That sucks. Are you gonna buy a new one?
  • Hipster: No.
  • Friend: But you won't have anything to play your records on.
  • Hipster: Yeah, but I buy records because I want to support the artists. They're not really for listening. Besides, lossless is better. FLAC is the future.
2

bon iver: hey sufjan, it’s me! your old pal bon iver! what’s up? just wanted to touch base and see how you’re doing! it’s been a while but i just emerged from my log cabin in the rural wilds of - wyoming? or wisconsin? i literally can’t remember, but it’s something like that - and i’ve released a new album! make sure you drop by your local record store and buy it!

sufjan: Oh I Will Most Assuredly Not Be Doing That Mister Iver

bon iver: oh! well, i understand - i mean, it can be hard to take time out of your busy day to swing by the old record store and pick up some new vinyl! but no worries, it’s on all the streaming services too, so it’s super easy to listen to!

sufjan: According To My Calcuations If I Listen To Each Of The Ten Songs Featured Upon Your New Album On Spotify You Will Earn The Standard Rate Of $0.006 Per Song For A Total Of $0.06 Or Six Cents Is That Correct 

bon iver: yep, that’s right! six cents!

sufjan: That Is Six Cents More Than You Are Worth

bon iver: whoa! okay! so that’s how it is, huh? what the hell, sufjan? you’re my buddy! my pal! we’ve always been friends!

sufjan: Any One Who Says Beyoncé Is Not A Good Role Model For Little Girls Is No Friend Of Mine

bon iver: okay, that’s not fair! i was making a critique of capitalism! i was saying it’s wrong of her to sign a two million dollar endorsement deal with pepsi and then pretend to be a feminist icon! the capitalist machinery is fundamentally incompatible with the goals of feminism!

sufjan: I Just Googled The Phrase Bon Iver Net Worth And It Said You Are Worth Five Million Dollars But Go Off Karl Marx

bon iver: that’s so unfair! i earned that money through hard work, honest art, and saving on rent by living in an unheated cabin in - was it wyoming, or wisconsin? one of them! but the point is, i didn’t make my money by selling out and signing endorsement deals! isn’t there more to being a musician than shilling for some high-calorie, sugary drink?

sufjan: Speak For Your Self Ever Since My Best Friend And Role Model Beyoncé Signed Her Endorsement Deal With Pepsi I Have Consumed No Liquid Beside PepsiCo Brand Drinks And My Blood Pressure May Be Through The Roof And My Kidneys May Be Full Of Granite But I Have Never Felt So Alive

bon iver: whatever, sufjan! i stand by what i said! you can’t take two million dollars from pepsi and then be a role model for young girls!

sufjan: What Have You Ever Done For Young Girls Except Inspire A Bunch Of Them To Do A Better Job Of Singing Skinny Love Than You Ever Did

bon iver: oh my god!

sufjan: Do You Want Some Lemonade With That Tea

a sorta upbeat-still-angsty vaderwan mix or whatever this is like the 4th vaderwan mix i’ve made i’m dead inside

{ Listen }

Tell me, do you think of me now
As I think of you 

tracklist: mission failed - san cisco // nashua - the antlers // fires - band of skulls // i walked - sufjan stevens // old friend - future islands // don’t let me fall behind - jukebox the ghost // be mine - band of skulls // i didn’t see it coming - belle & sebastian //

2

drake: hey rih, guess what? i did it! i asked sufjan to the dance! and he said yes!

rihanna: omg aubs! i’m so proud of you! holy shit! tell me everything!

drake: well i was like, “hey, i was thinking maybe me and you could go to the dance together?” i was so nervous, oh man, i could hardly get the words out.

rihanna: yeah? and then what?

drake: well, he wasn’t answering, and he looked kind of, like… shell-shocked? and i thought he was gonna say no! so i was like, “but only as bros though!” you know, so he wouldn’t, like…

rihanna: oh… my god…

drake: what?

rihanna: aubrey drake graham, did you literally pull a no homo while asking a boy to junior prom? is that seriously what you’re telling me right now?

drake: i was freaking out! i didn’t think he’d say yes unless i-

rihanna: of course he would have said yes! dumbass, he’s been in love with you since the fourth grade! since you sat on the swingset with him and his weird-ass imaginary friends!

drake: i… you’re reading too much into things, i don’t know if he-

rihanna: i can personally guarantee you that right now, as we speak, sufjan stevens is lying on his bedroom floor. he’s listening to pet sounds. on vinyl. and he’s dropping the needle right on the first chord of “i just wasn’t made for these times.” he’s letting the song play out, and then he’s dropping the needle again. in the same place. over. and over. again. he’s not even crying. he’s just allowing brian wilson to drag him headlong into the vortex of human suffering. and that’s your fault, aubs. that’s on you.

drake: oh… oh NO! :( how can i fix this?

MEANWHILE…

annie: Sufjan My Dear Friend If You Do Not Turn Off That Dirge And Arise From The Floor In The Next Thirty Seconds I Am Afraid I Will Have No Choice But To Shatter Your Copy Of Pet Sounds With My Tiny But Powerful Fists

sufjan: What Ever Annie I Know All Of The Lyrics By Heart And Am More Than Capable Of Singing Them By Myself

annie: Sufjan Please I Grow Weary Of Your Wallowing

sufjan: 🎶 They Say I Got Brains But They Ain’t Doing Me No Good! I Wish They Would! Each Time Things Start To Happen Again I Think I Got Something Good Going For Myself! But What Goes Wrong? 🎶

annie: Your Singing Voice Is Lovely Sufjan But I Refuse To Enact This Emotional Labor Any Longer Get The Fuck Up

sufjan: But How Can I Get Up When My Life Is Irrefutably And Irremediably Over

annie: Your Life Is Not Over You Big Baby You Are Attending The Junior Prom On Friday And With The Boy You Love No Less

sufjan: We Are Attending As Bros! He Thinks Of Me Merely As A Bro!

annie: Have You Considered That Perhaps Aubrey Is Dealing With Severe Anxiety Surrounding His Feelings For You And Retroactively Rendered His Invitation Platonic In An Effort To Guard His Heart Should You Not Reciprocate

sufjan: No That Sounds Fake Annie

annie: Well Sufjan Do You Want My Insightful Advice Or Do You Want To Allow Brian Wilson To Drag You Headlong Into The Vortex Of Human Suffering

sufjan: The Latter

annie: Oh My God

sufjan: 🎶 Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! Sometimes I Feel Very Sad! 🎶

2

drake: whoa… sufjan… you look…

sufjan: Terrible… I Know… Ha Ha H-

drake: …so nice

sufjan: Oh! Well! Thank You Aubrey! You Also Look… Nice

drake: this is gonna be so much fun! thanks for coming to junior prom with me. you’re such a good friend :)

sufjan: You Are A Good Friend Too Aubrey My Bro My Pal My Friendly Platonic Comradely Chummy Buddy And Confidante

drake: well, anyway, we should get going. hey, wouldn’t it be nice if-

an incorporeal voice: WHO DARES SUMMON ME?

drake: oh my god! is that-

sufjan: Brian Douglas Wilson! The American Musician Singer Songwriter And Record Producer Best Known As The Leader And Founder Of The Beach Boys!

brian: YOU ARE CORRECT, MY CHILD.

drake: holy shit dude this is so cool i LOVE good vibrations

sufjan: Mr. Wilson Why Have You Graced My Front Porch With Your Presence

brian: I WAS SUMMONED, MY CHILD.

drake: but how?

brian: YOU SPAKE THE WORDS “WOULDN’T IT BE NICE.” BY THE LAWS OF THE ANCIENTS, WHENEVER A YOUNG SOUL IN A TIME OF NEED UTTERS THAT MAGYYK INCANTATION, I MUST BE SUMMONED.

drake: oh well i’m sorry mr. wilson there must be some mistake because uh, sufjan and i aren’t really young souls in a time of need

brian: YOUNG AUBREY, MY CHILD, I KNOW SO MANY PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY CAN DO IT ALONE.

drake: what? what are you talking about?

brian: THEY ISOLATE THEIR HEADS AND STAY IN THEIR SAFETY ZONES.

sufjan: Goodness Gracious Aubrey He Is Really Dragging You

brian: NOW WHAT CAN YOU TELL THEM, YOUNG SUFJAN, MY CHILD?

sufjan: What Can I Tell Whom

brian: AND WHAT CAN YOU SAY THAT WON’T MAKE THEM DEFENSIVE?

sufjan: I Am Afraid I Do Not Know What You - Oh! It Would Appear That The Founder Of The Beach Boys Has Dissolved Into A Puff Of Glitter Without Clarifying His Meaning How Unfortunate Mysterious And Glamorous

drake: sufjan… wait… i think he was trying to tell us something

sufjan: Whatever Do You Mean Aubrey

drake: sufjan, i get it now! i think i can do it alone! i isolate my head! i stay in my safety zones! but i shouldn’t do that. i have to be brave. because the truth is… i can’t do it alone. i just can’t. i need you, sufjan.

sufjan: Oh Aubrey… Now What Can I Tell You

drake: you can tell me anything, sufjan. 

sufjan: What Can I Say That Won’t Make You Defensive

drake: you can say anything.

sufjan: Well… Aubrey… I Am Quite In Love With You

drake: oh, sufjan… i love you, too. so much.

sufjan: And I Want To Attend The Junior Prom With You But… Not As Your Bro

drake: as… more than bros?

sufjan: Precisely Aubrey

drake: hey sufjan… if we kissed right now… wouldn’t it be nice?

sufjan: Yes Aubrey… It Would Be Nice

brian:

HAZY DREAM PT. 3  ~~ Hazy songs for sleepy days pt. 3 

  1. nothing’s gonna hurt you baby ~ cigarettes after sex
  2. sleep apnea ~ beach fossils  
  3. five string serenade ~ mazzy star
  4. graveyard ~ robert schwartzman
  5. city girl ~ kevin shields
  6. come in alone ~ my bloody valentine
  7. d.a.r.l.i.n.g. ~ beach house
  8. holland ~ sufjan stevens
  9. we can’t be friends ~ dream koala
  10. roads ~ portishead
  11. about you ~ the jesus & mary chain
  12. cheer up ~ smith westerns
  13. the drugs don’t work ~ the verve
  14. anemone ~ the brian jonestown massacre
  15. a burning hill ~ mitski
  16. tell me ~ galaxy 500
  17. time has come again ~ the last shadow puppets
  18. you made me forget my dreams - belle & sebastian
  19. sea of love - cat power
  20. nowhere near - yo la tengo
  21. true love waits - radiohead 
  22. the moon song - karen o & ezra koenig 
  23. universe - sebastien tellier 
  24. twin peaks theme - angelo badalamenti 

8tracks | spotify | listen to part 1 | listen to part 2

Sufjan is one of the greatest musicians of our generation, and the music he lets out into the world is but a tiny fraction of the huge body of work he is constantly making. He is also a beautiful storyteller, who has long been interested in the American landscape, and the narrative that is told in different places through history and folklore.
—  Bryce Dessner on Sufjan Stevens
youtube

Sufjan Stevens - All Of Me Wants All Of You at Arlington Theater, Santa Barbara, CA, October 24, 2015.