suffocation keep

  • Me: *puts my hand in my hair to itch my scalp*
  • Me: ho don't do it
  • Me: *starts pulling out hair instead*
  • Me: oh my god
I’m tired of being sad and having no clue as to why I am this way, so I’ll write about the happy bits of me and why I smile. I dance when I’m alone, when the music gets just right and I’m sure that no one is watching, it’s okay to feel lonely, I used to not like the idea of it, but once you’re comfortable in your own skin even depression starts to feel like a breeze. I’m reading a book that says we are the beliefs and thoughts that we think and believe in. So if I say that I’m happy a thousand times, one of those will come back as true. So if I say I’ll find the love of my life some day, some day she’ll appear in front of me while I’m writing another poem. It’s good to have goals, the only goal I’ve ever had up until recently was to keep myself happy with someone else, that’s not a goal, but an illusion. You can’t live your life for someone else, it’s called your life for a reason. Happiness must happen when I say so, so I’m saying so. We bring into this world the kind of kindness that we’ve been dealt, so when I fake a smile, my mother is omnipresent. Although it’s not real, fake it until you make it, right? The book also says, spend more time doing things that make you lose track of time, so I decided to write again and more often than not, to not compare myself to others because once you start doing that, there’s no going back. I don’t write like someone else, I write like myself. I don’t think like anyone that I know, there’s just you and the beautifully twisted world, we’re all trying to find redemption inside of coral skies and trustworthy friends. I would break my own hand to contain my anger, it is contained. Happiness is what we make it, so if I say that it exists, then it will be so. Listening to your guidance, that makes me happy. You know who you are. Breathless to the words, you paint the sunrise with your pinky and promise that as long as I’m here today, tomorrow will not be filled with sorrow. I keep writing letters to the future person that I will be, I wonder if I’ll change. I probably will, we all do in one way or another. I’m the kind of person that snaps a picture of the sky while I’m driving, I’m reckless, but we’re still alive. Life’s too short and I need to be more careful, I’m certain that death has given up a few passes for me. Do you ever feel like you’re running out of time? Like there’s something trying to make a statement, a lost word that even google couldn’t even get its hands on. Do you ever feel like no one’s really listening? We’re all selfish in the end, but the ones that truly listen– they are the ones that I live for. I maintain online friendships better than I do with my siblings, I guess our thinking is just on different frequencies. On the topic of frequencies– the you that you would like to be is out there, you just need to listen. Hear the right words said by the right person and you’ll be in the right spot to be the you that you’d want to be in this life. Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough? Remember that thing I said about thoughts? Sometimes we just need to let go a little bit, embrace the art of it. To be left to the wind, the unknown will bring us to more adventures and you may not be loved by many, but there’s a chance that you will be– why not take it? I would like to break out of this, I want to smile more and to laugh a little louder, I just want to make myself proud of who I will be versus who I used to be. And you can’t turn back the hands of time, you cannot change your mistakes– they are permanent, but you are not. There is a fire inside of your chest and if you keep suffocating yourself with an indescribable pain then you’ll only suffer in a incomprehensible way. I just want to fill this world with more love and less pain, I see a butterfly and I’m easily distracted– how beauty will fly past you if you’re not even paying attention because you’re so damn sad all of the time. So I drop all signs of negativity and lean towards the positive, I am the only vibe that’ll alter my moods, so I must feel more wealthy than a million silver spoons even if I don’t have any, so I must create the art that likes to spill from my fingertips, we live such short lives– why not be the best version of yourself? Who will you be if tomorrow was your last day on this planet? Will you cry because it’s over? Or will you search the ends of the earth until you’ve found the fountain of youth? I’ve got a secret to share with you. You can be a 100 years old and still have the sweetest smile, you can be in your 20s and have a soul heavy enough to sink the titanic, life is strange, life is strange. We live our youth to buy pretty things, but live our oak days trying to make up more time– it waits for no one, the wrong turn will break you, a simple kiss will turn your thoughts into poetry and a life of self-hate is a road that needs constant validation– why not be your own way out? Be your own lover, be your own brand of music, be your own kind of poem, be your own story of kindness, and if you’re not perfect just look around– nobody is. I’m tired of dreaming, I want to build it instead. You can’t be who you want to be if you’re still having the same thoughts from last year– you can’t change or heal in the right way if you’re not willing to break a few pieces of your heart because the clutter inside of our minds often match the attitude that we give off. So like a quote, so like a poem, so like a bedtime story. If I repeat it enough times, I’ll be happy. I just want to be happy. I just want to let go of the bad feelings. I just want to love myself enough to see a brighter day. You can’t change the world if you can’t even change yourself, right? If I repeat it enough times, then it must be real. I will be happy. Sadness is a crucial emotion because without it, being delighted and euphoric wouldn’t be so dense, but that’s the beauty of the intensity to which we should love ourselves. I want to be so fucking glad to wake up today that it’ll just drown my depression into the white noise. I want to glow in the dark and live like the jellyfishes, give my poetry the immortality to always bring a smile onto the faces of those that love who I am even if I’m a bit flawed because at the end of the day– you’re the only one sleeping on your bed, you’re the only one who’s going to determine if you’ve got enough room to breathe, you’re the only one to have the last say if you’re art or not.
—  I wanted to write something happy for you–
yes, you. The person that’s reading this.
You have no choice.

You guys need to see you have no choice on a team from the start
Anti is our creation from the start.
He won’t kill us, you are safe. Anti needs our attention. We are part of him from the very beginning. Jacks cries for help are useless. We can’t do anything. We have no choice. You need to embrace it.

You are not infected, you are part of the disease.
Anti won’t come after us at all. He needs us to live. Otherwise he is gonna suffocate himself
Im gonna keep saying this. We have no choice. But we are not gonna die either.

Jack is shit outta luck with this. there is nothing we can do. all he can do is wait for a miracle
Meanwhile you all need to join us on the dark side.


@hufflepufftrax @fear-is-nameless @marielgum @anti-support-group

anonymous asked:

You've heard of Jeremy wearing Michael's clothes headcanons now get ready for...Michael wearing Jeremy's clothes headcanons!!

Ahskdlfls this is sweet

-Michael started taking Jeremy’s clothes solely for revenge. The little think keeps takin all his damn hoodies

-but when he goes to take one? It’s too small. Sure it’s long on him but Jeremy’s so skinny that he feels like he’s suffocating in them

-he keeps it anyway, revenge must be taken

-Jeremy walked into his room to see Michael wearing one of his favorite shirts and it just was not working so he burst out laughing

- “what’s wrong jer? Am I not…hot enough for you *sexy pose*” “oh my god you need to stop and think about your life”

-Michael then tried to take Jeremy’s cardigan, and accidentally ripped it

-Jeremy went from 0^0 to :) really fast

-“dude did you just break my-” “I CAN FIX THIS”

-Michael would not stop apologizing as he stitched it back up, Jeremy just kinda got into a “it’s ok” train

-Michael bought Jeremy a new cardigan the next day, and opted for stealing Jeremy’s socks, but only the left ones

-Jeremy went to school with one sock on and was complaining the whole day while Michael was snickering into his arm

-“my left foot is just so cold and exposed” “I heard on tv that animals are going around stealing socks man I don’t know…” “my foot is gonna get hypothermia”

Tell Me What To Do - Park Jihoon Requested Scenario

@aghoese

Genre: bad boy! Jihoon

Message?: This wink boy I stg also I’m really bad at bad boy things so im sorry

________________

“Do you think he’s going to come to school today?” Lucia turned round and asked me in the middle of Geography.

Ever since I told her about my tiny little crush on Park Jihoon, the school’s naughtiest student, she’s been obsessed.

“How should I know?” I asked.

She smirked, “wouldn’t you know everything?”

I rolled my eyes as she turned back round, laughing.

The teacher turned round and looked at us, “Y/N, Lucia, pay attention in less—”

Everyone turned around as Park Jihoon walked through the door, licking his lips.

“Your late Mr. Park,” the teacher said.

“Wow,” he said sarcastically. “Because I’m not aware of that am I?!”

He started to walk towards me and Lucia as Lucia winked at me.

I hit her as he sat in his seat next to me. A pang of pain hit my heart. Seriously. What is it with this boy? He’s a fucking bastard but I just can’t resist!

“Oi!” he whispered, turning round to me. “Got a pencil?”

“Yes I do, do you?” I asked over-excitedly.

He chuckled but looked unamused, “just give me a pen.”

I nodded, giving him my best pen.

After lessons, I walked with Lucia to her locker and started banging my head against it.

“So. Stupid. Why. Did. You. Do. That,” I said, between every bang of the head.

“What did you do?” Lucia asked casually.

“I tried to make Jihoon laugh but just made a fool of myself,” I explained, looking at her with my head still on the locker.

“It’s fine, just stay cool and whatever you do. Don’t confess to him. That’s so not cool and every person who’s confessed to him has been refused,” Lucia said.

I nodded, pulling my head off the locker as we walked to next lesson.

As we walked into music, we saw Jihoon laying across the front desks but he sat up as soon as he saw me.

“Oi, Y/L/N. Your in a group with me,” he said. “I need to pass at least one class.”

I nodded, trying to keep my cool.

“Don’t say anything, nothing. You’ll embarrass yourself and me,” Lucia whispered.

“I know!” I whispered back.

“I still don’t get why you like him,” Lucia said, putting her bag down.

“Like who?” Jihoon said from behind us.

We both screamed, jumping about a foot in the air.

“The fucking ice-cream man,” I said sarcastically. “My crush okay? You don’t need to know.”

He shrugged, sitting next to me, “okay.”

“Don’t you sit over there?” I asked.

“Oh well,” he shrugged as the teacher walked in.

“Right,” Sir said. “Get into pairs and go away. We’re working on modern Korean music remember!”

Jihoon nodded at me and we got up, going to a practise room. The whole room erupted in wolf whistles.

“All right, all right,” Sir said. “So Y/N and Jihoon, drum room.”

I followed Jihoon who had already left the room and gone over to the drum room.

“So what song do you want to do?” he asked, sitting on the drum kit.

I gasped sarcastically, “Park Jihoon? Doing work?!”

“Fuck off!”

“Alright, alright,” I said, leaning against the door. “How about Blackpink?”

“No,” he said. “They’re girly and I’ll probably get a boner.”

I rolled my eyes.

“What about Rhythm Ta?” he asked.

“No way. I’ll get wet,” I said jokingly.

He smiled, looking at the ground.

“Bangtan?” I asked.

“Which one?” he asked.

“How about Just One Day?“ I asked.

He groaned, "that’s so soppy!”

“But I heard your a good singer,” I muttered.

“Who said that?!” he exclaimed, becoming defensive.

I shrugged, looking at the floor.

“Let’s just do something easy, okay?” He sighed.

“It won’t work,” I said, still looking at the floor before looking up at him. “You said you wanted a good grade and an easy song won’t get you a good grade.”

“Fine,” he sighed. “How about ‘A’ by Got7.”

I shrugged, “didn’t think you’d know Got7.”

He looked at the ground, muttering, “only a bit.”

“I know! Shinee!” I exclaimed.

“Which one?” he asked.

“Tell Me What To Do,” I said.

He looked at me confused for a second, then chuckled, but still didn’t look amused, “right. The song.”

I laughed, “yeah. Do you know it?”

He nodded.

“Do you wanna sing it?” I asked.

He looked at me, unamused.

“Please please please!”

He sighed, getting up the music on his phone.

“Just be confident,” I said.

He had no emotion in his face, but I could tell the song meant something as he sang along.

“Tell me what to do Tell me what to do Tell me what to do Tell me what to do

These days, I don’t know, I don’t know you You look like you gave up on a lot of things But I hear your silent scream Tell me what to do

Lovers without extreme development Is this the losing hand that time has placed? We haven’t ended it but it’s already over Tell me what to do

There’s a knot that can’t be untied In front of us

I’ll go to you first At the end of a different road I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do Tell me what to do Tell me what to do Tell me what to do

You don’t tell me but you want me to know You think that you only gave the words you threw at me because you’re too used to me Tell me what to do

Indifferent and painful words Left deep scars on that day Words that made me realize That I’m still a fool

If only I can erase it If only I can

I’ll go to you first At the end of a different road I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more) Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)

I took you for granted But just thinking of you not being there I don’t want to go through that, my world would crumble

Am I the one for you At some point, you were keeping me in check I said you changed a lot but I changed the most The one for me, I didn’t know But that promise keeps suffocating us Time keeps lingering but our time keeps getting destroyed

That smile came to me, more brightly The cold hands became more warm Two lonely souls met Not lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely I’ll look into you again, I’ll place your breathing in my ears Even if everything but us changes

I’ll go to you first (I’ll go to you first) At the end of a different road (Tell me what to do) I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more) Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more)

Tell me what to do Tell me what to do Tell me what to do,” he took a breath afterwards and walked to the back of the room.

For the first time since I met him, I realised why I was so attracted to him. It’s because from the start I could see beyond the bad boy. I could see that behind that bad boy there was a person with struggles just like everyone else.

I took a breath, listening to the song repeat on his phone.

“I’ll go to you first At the end of a different road I’ll wipe your cheeks that are wet with tears and ask you

Tell me what to do (I hope you’ll tell me first) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more) Tell me what to do (If your heart can see me) Tell me what to do (Don’t cry no more),” I sang.

I heard a shaky breath come out his mouth, “I took you for granted But just thinking of you not being there I don’t want to go through that, my world would crumble.”

I looked up at him, surely he didn’t understand the lyrics?

“Why do you always understand?” he asked. “You and your lame jokes and puns and the un-natural sarcasm and the understandingness and I don’t understand!”

“Sorry,” I whispered.

“No,” he said sharply. “Don’t be sorry. Just stay with me.”

I felt my heart beating hard.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean that I don’t like who I am,” he sighed. “I want to be nice, I want to be liked. But everyone’s scared of me.”

“I’m not.”

“Exactly.”

“So,” I whispered. “Tell me what to do.”

That was the first time I saw him look amused when he chuckled. I’d done it. He had a look of amusement on his face. But it didn’t last long as he crashed his lips to mine.

I think I know what to do.

anonymous asked:

I struggle with Dean still doing random hookups, like many other viewers. It's hard to not let it turn me bitter. But if it helps anyone, i try to look at how it's different now than in the past, and what it means for Dean's arc as a whole. First off, in recent seasons, Dean's hookups are few and far between. And when they happen, it's usually at a time of high emotional stress, often coinciding with worry/loneliness regarding Cas. In other words, in short, they're no longer "dude bro" moments.

Hi there! And yeah, I can see surface-reading why people find it upsetting. And even if I couldn’t understand why people think it looks bad on the surface, most of my inbox today is just fretting over that scene in various degrees ranging from exasperated to distraught to resigned. So yeah, I get it.

Note to people sending me these sorts of anons, these are the things I don’t normally publish, because I’ve already written extensively on my own read on the scene, and it gets to the point where even I can’t really say anything new on the subject, as long-winded as I can be. :P

But as another anon suggested, perhaps we’re “reaching” in our destiel-positive interpretation of this particular scene… I’d like to suggest that since we’re being clobbered in the face both by Cas-adjacent subtext AND seeing a giant BS grace every flat surface in that diner, that we’re being rather forcefully prodded to make that reach.

Dean has, from the first season of this show, used sex as a coping mechanism, typically when he was feeling rejected or fearfully alone. And the parallels between this episode and 5.14 are practically punch-you-in-the-face levels of powerful.

In an episode were Famine told Dean that he was essentially a void and had no real desires for ANYTHING, yet Dean described himself as “well fed,” in that he satisfied each need as it arose and never let it become a desire. He essentially took what he needed when he needed it, in a weird sort of self-medication strategy that I identify with SO FREAKING HARD it’s actually kinda terrifying to me.

(and it’s been suggested that what Dean craved most was actually abstinence, in a sort of zen-calm way that he’s been living since about 12.14 again…but I think it has more to do with calm, with stability, with balance than actual abstinence)

(strangely in that episode the only thing Dean truly seemed to desire, and the one thing he put himself in jeopardy over, that he risked his personal safety for, he gave Cas about two whole seconds to retrieve Famine’s ring before charging in after him, running to his rescue. Which was about the amount of time Sam counted off before Dean charged into the diner in 12.10 where Cas was meeting Ishim…)

And yeah, Dean lampshaded it himself in 12.11, that his hookup with the waitress in that episode was his first in a really long time and he didn’t even remember it, so it was “like it never even happened.” And this is the first time since 12.11 he’s hooked up with anyone else, as far as we’ve seen. Before that when was his last hookup that we know of? 11.13? It’s been a while…

And what prompts this sudden and unexpected hookup? The huge void he’s currently feeling after Cas dropped THOSE WORDS on him in 12.12 and then  suddenly disappeared during 12.15 after obviously maintaining at least regular phone conversations with Dean up to that point. (I’m thinking really strongly of the parallel overlapping phone calls in 12.15 where Sam tells Mary “I love you” while Dean’s signing off with Cas… because they only have one more phone call after that before Cas stops answering, won’t return his messages, and can’t even be located with his phone’s GPS.

Last Dean knew Cas was hunting for Dagon and closing in… which is scary enough in itself but then post 12.17 when Dean didn’t hear back from Cas after he let him know they had a strong lead, and then STILL hasn’t heard from Cas after reporting in the details of their run in with Kelly and Dagon…

I mean Dean does NOT want to think about it but it’s GOT to be eating away at the back of his brain oh my god what if he’s dead what if he found Dagon and he’s dead now… And that is a place he absolutely cannot let his mind wander off to.

but seriously what the hell else would keep Cas from answering for THIS LONG… oh my god could this be the cosmic consequence? did he get himself killed for me and i wasn’t even there to stop it? is it all my fault anyway?

So Dean goes into this diner where EVERYWHERE HE LOOKS is a little ping of CAS CAS CAS from the big “Gus” that from 10 feet away might look like Cas to the mounted fish on the wall to the lost dog sign to all the people in tan coats that suddenly seem to be all the rage everywhere… It’s like he’s being subconsciously haunted by Cas. And the yawning void inside him needs to be filled immediately.

(so he creepily picks the one woman in the place that looks like a young version of his mother and chats her up with the worst line in history and a painfully pasted on grin and gets away from the diner and from Sam who’s telling him everything will be fine, and…)

How is anything in that scene NOT about Cas? And how is this, at all, “reaching.” It’s more like trying to keep from suffocating from how heavily the show was trying to pile it on there.

Which only adds to the sense of “claustrophobia” in the episode (that @postmodernmulticoloredcloak was talking about here. And I think it’s also relevant to how Dean is personally feeling right now. He feels isolated (from Cas, from Mary, and even to a degree from Sam because he feels Sam may be keeping secrets from him still…), he’s frustrated about not having been able to make contact with Cas yet, he does not like having to report to the MoL and be at their beck and call, he feels a creeping sense of violation in knowing that “his home” is not really his, or truly safe for him, after Mick popped in in the previous episode, nor does he like the MoL’s oppressive “Code” and is wary because of the way he and Sam routinely violate it… He’s worried about Mary. But mainly? The thing he was upset about through the entire opening segment? Was Cas. And the worry is smothering him.

When Dean feels emotional stress, he resorts to the appropriate outlet for countering it. Worry and loneliness >>> sex.

If he was angry about something, he’d be drinking or fighting. But he’s not angry, he’s worried. And this is his go-to coping strategy. Sublimation.

Alison Clues by Episode - “A is for Answers”

Buckle up, everybody, because this is the longest post I’ve made so far for this series…and possibly will be, total. So much of this episode doesn’t make sense or contradicts itself - so here we go.

This line from Alison about trying to figure out just how to tell the girls her story doesn’t make any sense. What’s there to figure out? She ends up just telling them sequentially what happened to her that day and night. Why would she need so much time to decide how to tell her friends the truth…unless it isn’t the truth? Maybe it was so hard for her because she was really figuring out a good story to spin.

How the hell did Mona supposedly run into Alison’s bedroom and write that message on the mirror without her seeing? Does it take her five minutes to pull a tank top over her head? This scene is ridiculous and can’t possibly have happened, just giving more evidence to the theory that Ali is making up stories to further the narrative that she’s been a helpless victim of A for years.

Despite the Liars’ lack of concern, it’s kind of a very big deal that Ali drugged all of them the night she disappeared. Like, the kind of very big thing that A would do…and has.

How in the world was Alison constantly sneaking around Rosewood, watching out for the Liars, if she worked at that cafe and took care of it while the owner was out of town? This is yet another glaring inconsistency with her story. You can’t be in two places at once, Ali. Which is it?

Why does Ali not mention anything about meeting up with Garrett and Jenna “that night”? She discusses everyone else that she spoke to, including people we already know about. What would be her motive for leaving out that part of the story unless she was afraid that the girls would ask her about it? Like, perhaps, why she wanted Jenna to think that she’d been killed? She was clearly planning something that she still isn’t being honest about.

I’ve mentioned this before but I’ll talk about it again here. Alison’s injuries from the night she disappeared make no sense. She was hit over the head so hard that she was paralyzed, unable to move or speak, but she could somehow see and hear perfectly? And then moments later she magically recovers enough to keep from suffocating and is able to reach out of the dirt, help pull herself out of the ground, and walk with ease? That’s impossible. Head injuries don’t work that way.

Jessica burying Ali alive is either terrible characterization or a total lie. Jessica adored Ali, as we all know. She would have done anything for her. Why would she so willingly get rid of one child just to protect another, without even checking for a pulse or anything to ensure she was really dead? Could this part of Alison’s story be fabricated? It sure seems like it, and it’s only been confirmed by Charlotte, not exactly a reliable source.

How was Ali so prepared to run away? How would she know exactly what she was going to need if she’d just gotten the idea less than twenty four hours ago? This is another big clue that the idea to disappear and fake her own death was not a spur of the moment plan.

Man, how convenient for Alison that her mother, the person mainly responsible for keeping her away from Rosewood, is killed the same night that she finally allows her friends to find and talk to her. A’s actions certainly seem to work in Ali’s favor a lot of the time, don’t they?

Paramore - Tell Me How Lyrics

I can’t call you a stranger
But I can’t call you
I know you think that I erased you
You may hate me but I can’t hate you
And I won’t replace you

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go

I think I’m tired of getting over it
And just starting something new again
I’m getting sick of the beginnings
And I’m always coming to your defenses
I guess it’s good to get it off my chest
I guess I can’t believe I haven’t yet
You know I got my own convictions
And they’re stronger than any addiction
But no one’s winning

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go

You keep me up with your silence
(silence)
Take me down with your quiet
(quiet)
Of all the weapons you fight with
(fight with)
Your silence is the most violent
(violent)

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go

Tell me how to feel about you now
Tell me how to feel about you now
Oh, oh, oh, oh, let me know
Do I suffocate or let go

You don’t have to tell me if you ever think of me
I know you see me dancing wildly in the fog of your memory
You don’t have to tell me, I can still believe

Love - A Dreadful Bond

Between - Namjoon and You  

Genre - Angst

Words - 4,945                                                                                                               

Backstory - It was the perfect relationship with him. The two of you felt like the perfect match but sadly all matches die. Obstacles and struggles can come anytime and it’s all good when gone through together with him. The 3 year relationship seemed perfect until you started to notice the change in him. The silence, the distance, the expressions and intentions; it all started to rise and you knew it would come to an end.

________________________________________________________________

Part 1

It had been more than 2 weeks and Namjoon hadn’t been in his senses. He wasn’t talking to you properly, he wasn’t eating well, he wasn’t smiling or answering in the right way. You knew something was wrong but every time you asked him, he’d ignore the question and reply with the usual “I’m fine. Nothing’s wrong.” answers. You started to feel tired with his actions and you decided to talk it out this time. He was standing in front of you, next to your bed. You were in your shared apartment that you two bought together. You usually live with your best friend but you would come here often to spend time with him when he was free from his busy schedules. Namjoon is the son and heir of one of the biggest organization in Korea. So spending time with him is kind of hard at times but he always made the best of it and never let you think otherwise. Of course that was before you noticed the changes. You were sitting on an armrest of a small couch in the bedroom, with your arms crossed over your chest. Namjoon was standing in front of you but a few inches away, next to the bed, with his head down after hearing the same question for the thousandth time in the week.

“(Y/N), we’ve been through the same topic so many times,” he says with a frustrated sigh, knowing that you would ask him that, “I’m completely fine. There’s nothing wrong.”

“Bullshit.” He looks up and makes eye contact with you. You knew he was hiding something and he knew he couldn’t fool you anymore. Your actions were clear that you weren’t going to stop until he told you.

“(Y/N), please can we-”

“Joon-ah. I know you’re hiding something from me and no, I don’t want to talk about this later.” You stare at him and wait for his answer. You wait and wait and wait, feeling the awkward and silent atmosphere creep in. You watch him and notice how he seemed uncomfortable, changing his position from time to time, running his hands through his lightly brown hair, eyes darting, not focusing on anything in particular. “Well?”

“(Y/N).” He sighs out your name and then focuses his eyes on you. He looks at you, the way you were sitting on that armrest with your crossed arms, the way your messy bun was so perfect, the way your oversized beige sweater and your skinny jeans wrapped your tiny body. He wanted to hug you, but he couldn’t. He wanted to kiss you, but he couldn’t. He wanted to cuddle with you all day, but he couldn’t. He wanted you, but he couldn’t.

“What is it Namjoon?” Your voice came out as a demand and you both knew that you were going to reach your temper any minute.

“I-(Y/N)-I can’t-” He was lost at his words. He couldn’t say it, he knew he had to do this for your own sake. He had to. “I can’t be with you anymore.” Once the words come out, tears start forming in your eyes right away, like they were just waiting for the right time to build up. He noticed it right away, he wanted to stop them from falling, he wanted to hug you and protect you, he wanted you. But how could he.  

“Wha-what do you mean?” Your voice was small, broken, shaky. He knew you were on the edge of breaking. Just a few words and you’ll completely lose it. “What do you mean Namjoon?” This time your voice came out stronger, louder. You knew you couldn’t hold in longer.

“(Y/N). I can’t be with you.”

“Why? Why after all those years? Now?” Tears had already started to escape your eyes and they slid down your cheeks and fell on the floor, making the tap sound. One by one. Your breathing got heavier as you felt panic attacks coming. Your mind couldn’t decode the words leaving your boyfriend’s lips. You couldn’t believe it. Thoughts already started running through your head, already started hurting you. “Why Namjoon? Is it me?”

“No.” He answers as quickly as possible. Seeing you standing in front of him like that, at that state, broke him down inside too. He knew what you were going through, he knew about your panic attacks, your overthinking. He knew how you could easily fall into a mess if he wasn’t there. You were always weak but in a strong way. You knew how to hold yourself together. You knew how to act strong. But that was all for a limited period too.

“Then what is it? Why are you saying all those things all of a sudden? It is me, isn’t it? Wait, is this a prank? You can’t be serious right? Why are you doing this?” Question after question stutter out of your mouth, not even thinking before you say anything. Your body starts to feel shaky and weak already. You want him to say he’s just messing around and hug you and everything would go back to normal. But this isn’t a joke. You see it in his eyes, in his words, in his actions. You know this isn’t a prank or him just playing with you. You know this is what is happening. “Joon-ah…”

“There’s someone else.” He sighs out the answer, making you freeze in one position. He waits for you to react but you were just there, sitting and staring at him. You were just sitting and staring, waiting for him to say something. You were blanked out. You couldn’t think straight. Everything just stopped for a moment for you, including your heart. His words repeated several times in your head and you try to speak but end up with your quivery open mouth. Nothing comes out, you couldn’t do anything at this point. You felt weak physically, mentally, & emotionally. Namjoon just stared at you and waited for you to say something, but you didn’t. He knew you couldn’t. “There’s someone else, (Y/N). That’s why I can’t be with you. At first I wasn’t sure about my feelings towards her but now I’m sure.”

“How long have you two been going on?” You finally ask, putting all the energy to not break now. At least not now.

“A few months. Look, (Y/N). I can’t be with you, okay? I guess what we had all these years was special but limited.”

“Is it because of me?”

“No. It’s not your fault. It’s all my fault. I was careless, and I took you for granted so many times.”

“How could you do this to me Namjoon?!” He flinches a little bit by the sudden change in your tone. You were already breaking and he saw it. You come up to him and stand a few inches away from his body. “Namjoon.”

“(Y/N). Please. Just go. You’re just going to waste your time here. There’s someone else that’s why I can’t be-” You land a slap on his face and regret it right away. You start to feel so many things at the same time and you wished and hoped this wasn’t true. But it was. He didn’t feel the same way anymore. You wanted to say so much to him. You wanted to yell at him, hit him, scream but you also wanted to compete with that other someone. You wanted to do all you can to not lose him, but how could you. How could you when you felt that he was pushing you away on his own. You open your mouth to say something but it’s only followed by silence. Your eyes start to water up and you stare at him, trying not to lose your temper now. “Please (Y/N). Just go. I can’t be with you anymore.” He says but his eyes were focusing on behind you, not your eyes.

“Namjoon.”

“Get out. You’re just going to waste your time here. Leave. We’re done.” He looks at you and clenches his jaw. The demanding tone in his voice would’ve been cute before but now it felt like knives. You grab your coat and your backpack and storm out the apartment.

Anger takes over for a little while but as you descend down the stairs, it gets replaced with disappointment and depression. A part of you wished that he’d come running back to you but a part of you knew it wasn’t going to happen. You walk home despite the distance and time it takes you because it was the only thing you could do now. You were just one breath away from breaking down and you wanted to buy yourself as much time as you could. Thoughts start to fill your head and it starts to suffocate you already. You keep thinking if you’re dreaming but everything seems so real. The pain, the tears that were slowly falling, the thoughts, everything just seems so real to be a dream. A perfect three year relationship just ending like this. There were still so many things left unsaid, so many things left undone, so many things you wanted to do for him, to him, towards him. But it all went down the drain with just a few simple words.

You find yourself sitting at the bench with the view of Han river right in front of you. You didn’t know how you ended up here, you just walked and found yourself here. Staring at the water in front of you, you take a trip down memory lane and let the tears fall. Namjoon and you had your first kiss here; he fulfilled your dream of having the perfect first kiss. The two of you started as friends first in highschool, you didn’t know how he had always listened so carefully to everything you ever talked about. Slowly when you started to feel something, you realized how he was always looking at you when you would be busy or when you turned to look at him. He had known you too much by that time and it was hard for you to confess since you didn’t want to ruin the friendship you two had. In his senior year, he took you out to hang out with him and confessed his feelings for you. Right here, in Han river, was where you two had your first kiss 3 years ago. It was so perfect how his steady and warm lips touched your cold and shaky lips. It was so perfect how his hands were cupping your face and bringing you closer. It was so perfect how his tall, warm body towered your tiny body. He was always so gentle with you. He was always so careful and protective with you. He made you feel like you had everything, like you were the happiest person ever. Tears that were trickling down one by one before turned into a mess over your face like a tiny waterfall. It was getting harder for you to breathe at this point so you decide to go home. As you get up, you see a guy staring at you. He was so perfect in every way but not perfect enough. His brown hair falling straight down till his eyes, his straight nose and the perfect lips. He would’ve been a perfect model, he had the looks and the body. But it still wasn’t perfect enough, nothing was perfect when it was compared to Namjoon. To you, Namjoon was perfect and there wasn’t anything better than that. You start walking and notice the stranger’s eyes follow you, making you feel uneasy.

“Uh, excuse me.” You stop at the deep voice. How did a face like that hold a voice like that. You look up and see him coming towards you, your body tenses on its own. “Are-are you okay?” He asks with concern written all over his face, it made you want to cry even more now. You nod and start walking but stop when you see some tissues and a hand blocking your way. “I have no right to get into your business but here.” He hands you the tissues and smiles as you take them. “It’ll be alright, I hope.” Patting your shoulder, he gives you a sweet smile, his lips turning into a box like shape. It would’ve made you smile in another situation but this just wasn’t the right time.

“Thank you.” You whisper and walk away as you feel a huge lump in your throat.

~Namjoon’s point of view~

He stops himself from running after you as he hears the front door slam. Running his hand through his hair, he walks over to the window and waits for you to appear. One last look, it was all he wanted. One last look. He knew you would stop and stare behind you, hoping for him to come after him. You stood there, waiting but he just couldn’t do it. For your sake, he had to let you go like this. For your sake. Anger quickly took over as he called his driver and told him to come over. While waiting, he just sat on the bed and let tears fall. He just sat on the bed and let memories flood in. He won’t be there anymore to keep you up. He won’t be there to stop the tears from falling. He won’t be able to see that perfect smile you held. He won’t be able to hear that perfect, melodic voice and your beautiful laugh. He decides to get up and leave the house too. Before closing the front door, Namjoon turns to take a look at this place. He couldn’t believe that this actually happened. So much left unsaid, undone. He planned so many things for you, he wanted to do so many things for you, with you, to you. But how could he. Once he’s outside the apartment building, he walks over to the cafe opposite to the building. A black car stops in front of his apartment building, making Namjoon leave his seat and rush into the car.

“Where is he?” He asks as he sits in the back seat. It was hard to keep his anger at bay right now.

“He’s at home, Sir.” The old familiar driver says, looking right in front of him.

“Take me there. Quickly please.”

“Yes, Sir.”

Namjoon was quiet throughout the 3 hour drive to the richer area of the city. He was just one step away from bursting at the moment. Everything was already dull with your absence, everything was already starting to hurt. And it was because of that one person. All this that happened, it was all that one person who was just a few steps away now as the car stops in front of the mansion’s main door. Namjoon takes off his coat and hands it to the butler who had opened the front door.

“He’s in a meeting.” The butler says, following after Namjoon.

“Do I look like I give a fuck right now?” He says, clenching his hands into fists as he gets closer to the study room.

Unfamiliar voice escaped from behind the closed door. Namjoon already knew what was behind that door so he didn’t even knock or hesitate before jolting the door open. The butler stayed out as Namjoon walked it without any second thoughts. As he walked in, he was greeted by a half-naked woman laying on the long, stretched table. She quickly sits up, embarrassment written all over her face while the man who was standing had a smile on his face.

“So this is your meeting.” Namjoon says as he looks at the woman. Around 30. Unmarried. Fit. Pretty. New. She was different than the one he saw last time.

“Ah Namjoon-ah. I was expecting you but not this soon.” The man says, making his way to the main desk while wiping his hands with a handkerchief. The woman walks past Namjoon with her head down and her hands holding up her dress.

As soon as the door closed behind him, he looks at the older man and scoffs while rolling his eyes. “How long is this going to go on?”

“How can I help you?” The man says as he takes a seat on the leather chair.

“I hope you’re happy. You already know, I reckon.”

“Yeah, I know. Good job. You make me proud.” A smile forms on the lips of the man.

“Ya, you’re a bastard. You know that?”

“Is that a way to talk to your dad?” Namjoon clenches his fists even tighter than before.

“You knew what she meant to me, yet you make me do this.”

“It’s for your own good.”

“Bullshit.”

“We’ll start the plan first thing tomorrow morning. I called your uncle too, they’re coming tomorrow. Namjoon-ah-”

“Don’t call me like that.”

“I’m doing this for your own good. Because I care about you.” Namjoon lets out a scoff and shakes his head.

“Is that why you did that? Is that why you did that to mum too? Because you care?” Namjoon stares at his father’s emotionless expression. He was getting suffocated just by looking at him.

“I’m giving you 2 days to get yourself together. After that, you’ll have a lot questions to answer so get yourself together and don’t mess up.”

“I love her!” Namjoon screams out, finally letting out his anger.

“That’s enough! You’re acting like a kid!” His dad gets up and walks over to Namjoon, grabbing his shoulder tightly. “Remember what I told you before, you go to her. I ruin her.”

“You’re a monster. You’re not even a human.”

“It’s for your own good.” Namjoon pushes the hand away and tries to punch the man in front of him but fails when his dad stops it and punches him instead. Throwing Namjoon to the wooden floor of the home office, he puts a foot on his chest and stares at the younger. “Don’t act like trash. Leave.” Namjoon gets up after pushing away the foot, cleaning up the little blood from his lips’ corner. He starts to walk toward the door and stops when his dad yells out from behind him. “I don’t want to see you sulking and depressed tomorrow. I’m doing this for you so go take out this fury in the gym.” Namjoon turns to a vase and throws it on another vase, breaking the two. He turns to look at his dad but his dad was just looking out the massive window behind his chair.

This wasn’t the first time Namjoon felt this hurt because of his father. Him and his dad never got along with each other but deep down, he could never actually hate his father completely. Until now, until his dad forced him to lose his everything. You. Namjoon wanted to do everything he could to get you back but how could he when you would be in danger with him. How could he when his own father threatened to hurt you if he stayed with you. Some may say it’s just a threat but when it was from his father, it wasn’t to be taken lightly. The Chairman of Kim Enterprises never said anything he didn’t mean. You were the only one Namjoon had but now he lost that too. He walks out the room and slams the door shut. Keeping his anger in at this point was not even a choice so he walks into the gym and starts punching the bag hanging from the ceiling. Not even bothering to put on the gloves, not even bothering to stop even after seeing traces of blood on his knuckles.

~(Y/N)’s point of view~

Everything seemed so different now. Everything seemed so painful now. Everything seemed so dull now. You were sitting on the floor of your bedroom, with your bent legs pressed against your chest and your chin resting on top of your knees. Tears kept falling and falling, and you were not even bothering to wipe them away. The more you thought about it, the more painful it got. Your best friend, Bomi, kept running back and forth to make things, bringing things to you, trying to make you stop crying.

“Ya, you’re going to suffocate like this.” She says as she puts a tray of food in front of you on the floor. “Here, eat this.” You let out another sob and cry even more, not caring how much your chest hurt or how hard it was getting to breathe. “Hey, please stop.” Bomi pulls you into a hug and you let go. Letting out every tear that was escaping, letting out as much as you could, letting out every scream. Bomi’s hand was rubbing your back and her hushes sounded so hurtful too.

You hated doing this. You hated letting her see you like this, you hated dragging her or anyone into your problems. Your head falls onto her lap and the tears fall even when you wanted them to stop. You felt yourself fall into a mess already. Bomi knew it too. Thoughts had already flooded your brain. This was just the beginning for it all. Beginning for the mess that you, Bomi, and Namjoon knew. You’ve always liked to stay away from people at times like this but those two never left, even after you tried to push them. They both knew that when you told them to leave, it was when you desperately needed them then. You’ve always had the problem of overthinking and letting your own self down just through thoughts. Namjoon was always there to help you out of those moments but this time, it was all because of his words. How would he help when he was the one who turned you this way now. You knew what was coming your way, the mess, the silence, the numbness, the pain. Everything. You knew because this had happened before too. Your loud sobs now turned to silent sniffles as you lay your head on Bomi’s lap. Her hand was brushing through your hair as her other hand had a tight grip on your shoulder. Bomi was clearly angry at Namjoon but the concern she had towards you covered the anger well.

“That bastard.” She knew you hated people badmouthing Namjoon but at this point, Bomi didn’t care about that. She couldn’t see you like this and the way he ended things was enough for her to attack him. The way he left you, the mess he turned you into. The last time Bomi saw you was last night when you were so excited to go to Namjoon and spend the night with him but seeing how you returned, it boiled her blood. “I mean how could he just do this? Why the hell would he even look at someone else when he’s with you?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” You finally say in between your sniffles and hiccups. “He doesn’t love me anymore. Why would anyone love me?”

“Ya! Don’t you dare think that?!” You flinch at her sudden risen voice and sit up again, facing her. “Who wouldn’t love you? Have you looked at yourself? You’re perfect, (Y/N).” Bomi cups your face with her hands and smiles, she knew it wasn’t working but she still tried and it made me feel even more bad by dragging her into this. Tears start to escape your eyes again, causing Bomi to click her tongue and pull your head down to her lap again. She keeps on saying things to keep you calm while her hand was stroking your hair. After a few more hours, your body gave in and you started to feel exhausted. As the minutes passed, your eyes start to feel heavy and you didn’t know when you dozed off.

~Namjoon’s point of view~

“Where is he?” The Chairman was walking down the hall with the butler behind him, walking as fast as the Chairman.

“He’s still in the gym, Sir.”

“What? Since last night?”

“Yes, Sir.”

“That kid.” The Chairman walks faster towards the gym. Once he opens the door, he sees Namjoon passed out on the floor, sweat dripping out from his son. Concern takes over him as soon as he sees that he seemed unconscious. Ordering the butler to get the family doctor, he sits in front Namjoon and touches his eldest son’s forehead. It was cold; he did pass out. “Ya Mr.Choi!! Hurry up!!” He screams out to the butler and starts to lift up the cold, unconscious body.

Namjoon wakes up on his bed, his eyes slowly opening and his head throbbing. He puts his hand over his head and presses it lightly as he lets out a sigh. The door opens and he sits up straight, leaning on the bed. The Chairman walks in with an emotionless face while fixing his sleeves.

“Are you out of your mind? Why did you do that?” He speaks in a stern tone but he didn’t yell. Namjoon looks away and stares out the window as memories of you play in his mind. “When I said take out your anger in the gym,” he stops as he sees a tear fall down Namjoon’s cheek. “Didn’t know you had that much of anger inside you. You could’ve told me, I would’ve let you hit me a few times.” His attempt to make Namjoon laugh failed as he notices the eye roll.

“I’m fine.”

“You better be. Don’t forget what day it is today.” His father says while walking out the room. “Be ready before 12pm.” He orders out from the hall and Namjoon turns over to grab his phone from the bedside table.

9am.

He lets out a sigh and stops the tears from escaping. He already misses you and the thought of what you might be going through was destroying him. He did what he had to. For your own safety. For your own sake.

12pm.

Namjoon and Chairman Kim were standing out on the driveway, waiting for the very important guests. His father was so excited over this while Namjoon just kept in every emotion and faked his content. Inside, he just wanted to leave everything and run to you but on the outside, he just smiled like it was all alright when it wasn’t. This is one of the many other things the Chairman had taught Namjoon to do. Of course he had to learn it. After all, he is the first heir of his father, whether he liked it or not. He had to. Three black cars drive into the driveway and the middle one slows down in front of the entrance. Before the doors open, Namjoon hears a whisper from his father, telling him to behave. They both straighten up their posture as Namjoon’s uncle and his cousin, Kim Soo Jung, exit the car. They greet each other and walk into the house where the actual meeting is supposed to take place.

“I bet Soo Jung is happy as ever.” Chairman Kim says while smiling to his brother. They both seem so happy, so did Soo Jung.

“Of course, it’s the kids own decision. They should be happy. Right?” Namjoon smiles and nods to his uncle’s question. “You don’t seem well today. Are you okay?”

“Ah, I just had a little fever.” He laughs it off and takes a sip of his tea. The whole act was making him sick since his thoughts were at your broken figure.

“Well you have to recover fast. Before the wedding. You are the groom after all.” His uncle says and Namjoon smiles again.

“Yes, Sir.” “It’s so funny how they grow up so fast. Both grew up together and now here they are, getting engaged.” Soo Jung lets out a shy laugh and Namjoon clenches his fist, stopping himself from doing something stupid.

“So we’ll stick with the plan? Announce their wedding date only?” His father speaks.

“Yes, I think it’s better that way.”

“All you guys have to do is exchange rings and then we’ll take some pictures and by afternoon, the articles will go out.”

Everyone start talking about the engagement and wedding while Namjoon just had his mind on one thing. What about you? What’s going to happen to you when you see it? He starts to feel sick from himself. How can he be exchanging rings with someone else while you break apart. How can he do this to you.

~(Y/N)’s point of view~

You jolt up awake and reality runs back in again, making you hurt even more. It will be hard for you. You wonder what’s going to happen to you. You wonder if you’ll even get over someone like Namjoon. Your first boyfriend, your first kiss, your first everything. You sit up and run a hand through your hair while taking in your surrounding. Bomi must’ve left in the middle of the night or some other time since you had a pillow instead of her lap. There was a water bottle, a box of tissue, some fruits and a bowl of soup which was cold by now. You look up at the clock to see the time.

3pm.

“How much did I sleep?” You whisper to yourself as you get up from the floor. Tears were already welling up as everything around in your room and in your life were reminding you of him. Walking out of your room, you notice Bomi staring at the television screen with a serious look. You walk over and read the headlines.

“Kim Namjoon, heir of Kim Enterprises, is to marry Kim Soo Jung, daughter of KS clothing.”

________________________________________________________________

Hope everyone liked this. Leave a like and check out my other works too.

A/N - To all my followers and readers, i apologize for not posting any work for so long. I was going through a hard time and personal stuff, hope everyone understands. I will do better this time and i want to thank everyone who stayed and everyone who were patient with this. Hope you guys really like this. 

3

For those unaware, today marks the end of twenty one pilot’s blurryface era. An era that begun on April 25th 2015 and concluded on the 25th of June 2017. This era is so important to me, firstly because, it introduced me to twenty one pilots. Yes, I’ll be honest, the first I had heard of them mid 2015 when a friend played me stressed out, but then I went home, googled them, dove into blurryface and discovered tear in my heart. That song opened me up to this band. It was so innovated, its lyrics were so kinaesthetic and poetic. Very rarely do I have a song on repeat for months on end, so I knew this would be special. The album stayed on repeat, accompanied by vessel, regional at best, self-titled and no phun intended. I was so infatuated by their sound. I was tapping to migraine on my counter whilst making tea, dancing to not today cleaning my house, falling asleep to forest, driving whilst listening to prove me wrong, writing my poetry and stories to kitchen sink and taxi cab.

On the night of my ers show, my grandma was diagnosed with brain cancer. As my friends were purchasing merch hours before doors open, my mum called me and told me the news. She expressed that my grandpa wanted to know as he felt it would have been unfair for me to have been told after the show. My grandma had been sick for several weeks before hand, and listening to my mum talk, it absolutely shattered me. It was the last news I’d ever expected to hear. I decided not to mention it to my friends, the news had not yet taken away much of my internal excitement, so I intended to keep it that, and wait until tomorrow, and then this happened.

Barricade at emotional roadshow surrounded by some of my closest friends. Being metres away from Tyler and Josh as they drummed and sang songs I’d been humming and dancing to for two years. Most of all being in the pit for trees. Tyler was right underneath me, I felt those drums, I was showered in confetti, and it was one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I hope the pictures below represent what an incredible night it was. I’d never been so filled with joy in a very long time.

After ers, I went under, and can I be honest? I still am. I have been since my grandma lost her ability to speak and move even though she knows exactly who I am. It’s so draining, and I know because I’ve done this before. No one should have to spend an hour getting out of bed this morning, or using the energy you once used to excel just to walk to and from where you need to be and to stay remotely focused in a class or at work. Doing that 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Most people have different experiences with depression, for me? I can’t feel emotion. It’s a misconception everyone overlooks, I cease to feel anything. When I laugh, sit still or even cry, I don’t feel any emotion.

I don’t think I can ever truly depict how terrifying it is to sit in on the foot of your bed crying and not actually feeling any emotion behind it at all. You feel so inhuman, it’s such a guilt struck state of mind, you’re blaming yourself for not adhering to your duty as a human for feeling emotion yet you feel no sympathy for yourself because there is no emotion there. You might be wondering where I’m going with this, and it’s that their music helped me dig for that emotion. It helped me fight for it, it sparked this urgent feeling that I needed to find this emotion no matter how much of me I had to deteriorate to get there.

Whenever I felt myself losing touch with emotion, I put on their music, because it helped me felt emotion when I laughed, when I cried, when I felt angry and upset. It sounds horrible, but it’s such a blessing, to actually feel emotion when you do these things, you are able to tell yourself you are human, breathing and experiencing emotion and life. This has not just been this year, but last year and the year before.

Whenever I lost a grip, or let anxiety suffocate me, or insomnia keep me at my desk tapping my pen on a blank page, I put on my headphones. I’m not saying I just listened to twenty one pilots when this happened, but their music was really what sparked within me.

Besides mental illness, their music has helped me channel all of this into my art: writing and photography. The amount of slam poems and stories I’ve written listening to their stuff, or having it quietly in my headphones snapping pictures of sunsets and skylines. My purpose is to create rather than assist, they are one of my biggest inspirations moving forward with this personal belief. The people I’ve met or formed closer relationships with through them. Whether it be people I met at ers, or the friends I’ve made elsewhere. Music brings people together, their music brings a group of creators together. Whatever people’s purposes may be, they inspire others to create, and it’s a beautiful thing.

This era has been such a whirlwind, and yes, I may not have been here since 2011, or at their first basement show, but none the less, I’m so proud of them. They’ve remained faithful to their supporters, connected to their roots as performers, and poured their heart and soul into creating an album that’s reached out to millions of people like myself. I’m so thankful for them, and humbled to say that they helped me reach for my own aspirations.

I bid all my thank yous and farewells to the blurryface era. I’m not going anywhere.  

Well, first year is about halfway done (material-wise) so here’s a bit of a recap for what’s happened so far!

Sonic and the Room of Requirement (first year)

  1. Sonic received his letter, Professor Vanilla Rabbit journeyed to Green Hill Zone to retrieve him, Sonic ventured through Diagon Alley with Professor Vanilla and her young daughter Cream, and he got lost once in a moment of sheer terror.
  2. Sonic traveled to the school on the Sylvania Express, with a shockingly wet surprise, and he was sorted into his house. To round out the evening, he met two of the ghosts that inhabit the castle, an angsty third year, and noticed a troubling connection between said third year and a professor by the name of Maria Robotnik.
  3. Toward the end of September, Sonic met Knuckles, creating a tenuous friendship through sheer happenstance.
  4. Sonic developed a healthy dose of suspicion about Shadow (well, it’s healthy in his opinion; Knuckles disagrees and sorta thinks that his new friend is crazy), and he vowed to figure out what the third year is up to.
  5. In the middle of October, Sonic stumbled on the Master Emerald (after pointedly following Knuckles, so he tripped over something he was looking for), and helped Knuckles find a permanent hiding place for it in the Room of Requirement. After that, Knuckles taught Sonic about Chaos and how it affected everything–including him.
  6. It was around this point that Sonic had a creeping realization that his magic wasn’t working like his classmates’. Professor Robotnik mentioned something about Chaos, but Sonic was far too preoccupied just trying to get wingardium leviosa to work.
  7. Halloween dawned as a welcome distraction, both with the mystery of the Secret Room and by allowing Sonic and Knuckles to get to know the ghosts Mighty and Ray better.
  8. In November, the first Quidditch match was Ravenclaw vs. Slytherin! Sonic was totally excited, but also distracted by Espio’s suspicious behavior right before the match. Later, they discovered why and helped Espio and Vector with a very large problem.
  9. December brought Little Planet to Never Lake, which the school was situated on, and along with it the End of the Year Ball. Sonic was too young to attend so he spent the evening staring up at the planet, contemplating his place in the world.
  10. After the winter break ended and the next term began in January, Sonic stumbled (actually stumbled this time) on the Mirror of Erised one night. It revealed a few shadowy figures standing around him, not that he knew who they were. It was only after dragging Knuckles there and the echidna revealing that he saw his long-dead parents in it that Sonic began to feel uneasy about the whole thing. Finally, Professor Pickle appeared on the third night to set Sonic straight and the mirror disappeared after that.
  11. March began the famed Echidna Lesson in History of Magic for second year Knuckles. He struggled to stay numb to the whole thing, even as his own history was told to him like a mythology, but an innocent question from a fellow student set him off. Later, Sonic found him sobbing in the Room of Requirement and he tried his best to help him through his grief.

[You can find all of this on the index for easier reading!]

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Spring Cleaning Isn't For Brains

_______________________________________

My mind is not a machine.
If I could simply drive it into a car wash
have it scrubbed clean of its dirt
and flaws
believe you me; I would.
If I could re-paint my mind to remove the scratches that litter it,
I’d paint it yellow.
I’d paint it with happy thoughts,
with happy memories,
with hugs.
But a deep black would always be underneath.
You may not notice it,
but everytime I sit into it,
the black interior would swallow me,
a black hole that there is no escape from.
I could remove the old battered engine,
filled with angry hurtful words,
accumulated poison,
and replace it with brand new,
shiney sliver,
reflecting happiness bright enough to blind me,
but it would still cut out.
I will still stall without warning,
as the radio blasts my eardrums with happy happy happy love and hope,
the car will jerk and the airbags will deploy.
A slap in the face from reality itself.
No.
A slap in the face from my own reality.
A reality that doesn’t really exist,
one where even though I am the creator,
I am never the hero,
forever the sad background character,
‘Girl #4 In Lunchroom’
(even though she’s not eating because her nerves won’t allow it).
But I still drive into the car wash.
The spinning cleaners begin to close in
and their insidious whispers grow louder.
Water blocks my escape routes,
the soap coats any source of sunlight,
making everything dark
dark
darker
darkest.
My stubby nails digging into my palms remind me that the sun is still there
it hasn’t fallen
just a few more seconds and it will be safe again
just trust me
it’s just beyond this darkness
just beyond this fear
just beyond this suffocation
keep breathing, why aren’t you breathing?
Inhale.
Exhale.
Inhale.
Inhale.
Inhale.
No, that’s not how it works, is it?
Exhale.
Clench a fist.
Clench the other.
It’s still dark.
The chemicals create pictures on the glass,
swirls and dots and blobs,
hypnotising me until I close my eyes,
but the water still escapes and now my face is wet.
I need to get out.
No you don’t.
I clench my fits sixty-five,
sixty-six times,
it’s hurting.
The cleaners get closer still
and my chest tightens with them.
But then they come to a halt.
The sun returns and even though it burns my red eyes,
I have never been more thankful to feel.

_________________________________________


- “Spring Cleaning Isn’t For Brains” - poem by @wearyneutral (me)

anonymous asked:

Peter's reaction finding his gf twerking in front of the full length mirror in her bedroom, after he snuck into said bedroom late one night?

Oh he’d die of laughter. He’d nearly suffocate while trying to keep quiet. You would be  mortified and you would absolutely never live it down. He is going to make fun of you for it for a very  long time.

“No you gotta show me how to do that!”

“Get out, Parker, we’re over.”

“Aw babe you don’t mean that. I actually thought it was cute!”

anonymous asked:

Are the dogs not allowed to wear collars while they're there?

No, we remove anything a dog wears around it’s neck to eliminate the risk of choking. It could get caught on a gate or something and the dog could suffocate. So we only keep on the easy-tearing paper collars for identification.

You hurt me and I suffocated myself by keeping it in. You scolded me for doing so, yet when the time came that I told you the truth, you told me I was wrong. You told me that no matter what I told you, you would always find a justification. You told me my feelings of being hurt were wrong. And you can’t do that. You can’t just tell somebody that you didn’t hurt them when you did. But you know what? I’m glad we ended that way. I’m glad you revealed the person you truly are, at the very end. Maybe what I feel for you isn’t exactly love anymore, but whatever it is, I’m letting go of it now, I’m finally letting go of you.
—  it’s been fourteen months.
I keep thinking about what Ford said about having a twin being “suffocating”

One of the reasons I watch Gravity Falls is because I have a twin of my own, so I relate to the Pines on a level I’ve never related to any character before. Unfortunately, it makes it all the more painful when bad things happen between them.  Because I understand. Even if I don’t want to.

It’s horrible to imagine thinking of my twin that way, but when I think about it, there’s an element of truth.  Sometimes having a twin is suffocating.  I keep thinking about how Stan and Ford are implied to be identical, or at least very, very similar in appearance, and how the last period of their lives they spent together was their teenage years.  

Now, I can’t speak for all twins, but I can’t help but feel that in some ways being an identical twin is a bit trickier than being a fraternal one, especially with boy/girl pairs.  Twins are thought of as pairs, two of a kind, part of a set. In the minds of those around us, we are often not individuals, and it’s only reinforced when we happen to look the same.  Boy/girl fraternal pairs tend to escape the more aggressive sorts of attention because our society is so set on gender binaries that they’re thought of as fundamentally different from the moment they’re born (and boy isn’t THAT a whole other set of issues!) 

Identical twins, though? I can personally attest to a lifetime of being stared at, of being poked and prodded and questioned by people who see you as more of a curiosity than as a person, of being given the exact same gifts because no one bothers to find out your separate interests, of being left nameless because people would rather call you “Twin” or “Clone” or even “Thing”(1 or 2) to your face than admit they don’t know which one you are. Sometimes, it feels like your accomplishments can never truly be just your own, like no matter what you do, you can’t escape being one of two rather than just you, and it can get very, very old.

My sister is my best friend in the entire world. We grew up in a very healthy environment and we’re fortunate that our parents went out of their way to make sure we were raised as separate, equal individuals.  Yet even then, late high school was easily the most strained period of our relationship so far.  There were a lot of identity and individuality issues that cropped up in those years, among other things, and we snapped at each other a lot.

I can’t help but think of Stan and Ford going through all that, only in a worst case scenario. They didn’t have the healthy environment that I did.  They had a dad who played favorites, one brother who felt he was worthless on his own, and another who felt he had to be the best at everything just to overcome being a “freak” times two (because, even if it’s more benign than having extra appendages, being an identical twin has a freak element all its own).

No wonder Ford would feel suffocated.  I’ve felt suffocated and my life’s been the bee’s knees in comparison! The main difference is that suffocation for me is fleeting. My individuality’s been reinforced without my ever needing to prove myself like that. I’ve been able to experience separation and individuality through college life while still remaining in contact with my twin. Our strained high school years are behind us and have been replaced with more positive experiences.

But Ford? The last he remembers of his existence as a twin is probably a period of struggle against identitylessness, combined strangely with being singled out only for being a nerd and a freak by his peers, and the better brother by his father.  What Ford remembers of being a twin is one of the most suffocating experiences a twin can have, and he’s going to need a big wake up call to realize that this is not the norm, that his experience does not apply to Dipper and Mabel, and that his solution to it is neither needed nor desirable.

I understand. It hurt. And it hurts that I understand. Ford suffocated in a relationship that should never have been that way. Which is why he so desperately needs to hug it out with Stan.  Because he needs to learn that you can be a twin and still be able to breathe.

Part 2

P1: Your father hating vampires after your mother became one and teaching you how to kill them when you were younger, but you don’t want to do it anymore and you fall in love with Klaus Mikaelson. Imagine Nik finding him years later after he discovers that it’s him who wants to kill the Mikaelson family, so he attempts to torture and kill him but he escapes.

Imagine after the threat of your father, you and Klaus have your final argument. You break up after an explosive fight, and your father wins.


Originally posted by showandwrite

He was sat on the chair in his bedroom, only the lamp on the bedside table illuminating his face. That was all you needed to see that he was furious. Since the meeting with your father and the tense atmosphere that followed, things between the two of you had been strained and you had just needed to get away. You knew now that he was scared, he’d been communicating with Marcel and the Strix, and Elijah had been using Kol and Davina to find out what was happening in the coven. You father had managed to completely change everything in New Orleans, including your relationship with Nik. The two of you had barely been speaking, despite the fact that he moved you into the complex almost immediately after the day you saw your dad. So you had gone out tonight, you’d spent the evening at one of the bars not too far from the quarter and it felt great to not have to deal with the Mikaelson drama or Nik’s mood.
“Where were you?” His tone was cold and cut through the air. You leant on the doorframe and pulled off your high heels.
“Nik, its very late for conversation and I just want to go to bed.” He jumped up out of the seat and snapped on the light as you headed towards the bathroom. He used his speed to block the door and you stepped back, a look of disgust on your face.
“Where were you, [Y/N]?” This time it was even more harsh.
“I met a friend.” You matched his clipped tone and stared straight into his face. You spun round before he could say anything else, giving up on taking off your makeup, and grabbed the pyjamas from the edge of the bed.
“I can tell when your lying.” Klaus’s voice was loud, and you knew he was on the verge of shouting. The sudden outburst shocked you, causing you to jump before turning to face him.
“I don’t know what you want me to say.” You were tempted to yell back, but you were conscious that everyone could already here what was happening between the two of you.
“You’re going to run, aren’t you?” Nik’s voice was softer now, but you could still see the anger in his eyes. “Just like he said you would.”
“I had to get away Nik. What else am I supposed to do? Sit quietly in the corner and not say anything while you and Elijah plot your next move. I don’t want to do that, I can’t do that.” He didn’t say anything at first, just turned round and moved to the other side of the room.
“I am trying to involve you. That’s why I did what I did. Why I moved you into the compound to try and protect you!” He flung his arm out and gestured to the room around him.
You strode across the room to where he was stood, grabbing a bottle of scotch off the bedside table as you went.
“You mean when you moved me in here so you could keep tabs on me.”
He laughed. “So you think that’s why I did it. Seriously?”
“Yes, I do. I know that being here is a sick, sadistic punishment. That’s why you moved me here.” You took a long swig from the bottle. Nik’s face frosted over and the same furious expression took over again.
“Punishment for what?” You knew, and he knew, that you were both thinking of your father. Of the fact that it had become clear exactly one day after you saw him that Nik blamed you, the first night he was kind and sympathetic, telling you he wouldn’t leave you, giving you permission to take Hope and go when things go rough and expressing his love for you. That had lasted just that evening. Now the resentment really set in.
“For my father.” Really this is the first time you had addressed it. The whole family had talked to great lengths about how they were going to fight him, how to win back the quarter, all the normal stuff. But no one had spoken about how you played into it, and the threat that you posed, no one had mentioned the fact that they all blamed you for the threat to their life - even Elijah.
“This has nothing to do with him, this-“
You cut him off-“of course it’s to do with him. Since he turned up, everything always is.”
You took another drink.
“Which part to do you blame me for the most? What’s happening now or the fact that he escaped because of me?” Nik didn’t say anything so you continued. “Am I indebted to you now, do I owe you now? Should I be on my knees begging for forgiveness? Spend my days apologising to you?” You could feel the tears building up in your chest and your voice becoming more hysterical, much louder and shaky. “Live in this cage for you - not even breathe for you! What must I do to earn your forgiveness for who my father is??” Nik’s own eyes were filling with tears but you couldn’t allow yourself to feel bad for what you were saying. It had been too long in the making, if you had talked about it sooner then maybe it wouldn’t have been as explosive as it was becoming.
You could feel yourself ranting but you couldn’t stop. “What should I do? Huh? Let you treat me like a child, become the perfect girlfriend, your possession! Now you tell me who wouldn’t run?”
Silence filled the room and you regarded each other for a moment. Your mind started to fill with images of your relationship together; after Nik had Hope, he’d been to see a witch who told him that he could reproduce on a full moon, so when you two got together you’d discussed children. When he started to become distant after the meeting with your father, you had known the end was near for the two of you, but coming home after the bar - you hadn’t expected it to be tonight.
“You want to know who wouldn’t run?” You had moved away from each other in the fight, but know Klaus walked over to you. “Someone capable of being in a relationship when times are hard, someone capable of not being afraid of being alone.” After your rant, some of the anger had dispersed but now it was back. Klaus was the most terrified person of being alone, that you’d ever met.
“If you were someone capable of being alone, then you wouldn’t keep suffocating me. You’d let me breathe.”
Nik’s face was close to yours now. He was looking down at you, his angry expression matching yours.
“I wasn’t trying to suffocate you. I was trying to protect you.”
“No, you’re trying to protect YOU.”
The tension was building again, and now you were going back and forth. Both of you were getting louder after each sentence.
“I’m trying to save us both.”
“There is no us!” You yelled, right into his face. “There is no children, there is no happiness, there is no future. Not for us. Not anymore.” You turned around and placed a hand on the wall, using it for support, and had yet another drink. There was silence behind you and you knew it was over. The two of you had no more fight left, your father had won.
You sat down on the edge of the bed, the bottle of scotch swilling round in your hand. Nik stood watching you for a moment, before sitting down next to you. Now you both had to just accept it, it had been coming for weeks. Your father had known as soon as he’d made his threat, the pressure was going to be too much for the two of you. You weren’t angry at him, not really, you were angry at the situation. So was he. Without looking at him, you offered the bottle and he took a long drink before passing it back so you could do the same.
“We tried.” He said softly.
This time you did look up at him. Tomorrow you would go, you would back up your stuff and go pack to your old place and think about everything you’ve lost then. Right now, it was late and you were numb. The pain would come tomorrow. “We did.”