such an awful wonderful train wreck

“…I think I made a mistake.”

Bucky rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, you had Tony eating out of the palm of your hand. Why are you not fucking him right now?”

Steve cringed. “…Because I made a mistake.”

Bucky turned to scowl at him. “How in the fuck did you mess up right before sealing the deal?”

“I, uh, well.” Steve blushed bright red. “We were… making out. And talking. …Dirtily.”

Bucky sat up straight. “Steve, you’ve never talked dirty in your life unless it was swearing like a sailor.”

“I know,” Steve hissed, glaring at him. “Which is how I made the mistake! Don’t tell Natasha because she’ll murder me!”

“Fine.” Bucky was going to tell Natasha all about this. “And what mistake was that?”

“I! Um!” Steve turned away abruptly, rubbing his arm. “…Tony said. Um. That he’d been naughty. And needed to be punished.”

“Oh nooo,” Bucky whispered, hands going to his cheeks.

“And I kind of panicked, you know, because Tony, uh. He’s kind of. Self-destructive sometimes.”

Bucky continued to stare at him in awe, and wondered if this was what watching a train wreck was like.

“So I said–” Steve stopped, then swallowed thickly. “I said, ‘it’s okay, I forgive you. We all make mistakes.’”

This was a train wreck caused by smashing into a wall of baby bunnies holy shit.

“So, uh. Well, it took Tony a minute to realize what I’d said. And then he did. And. Um.” Steve stared out the window. “He walked into the bathroom and he’s been in there for fifteen minutes.”

“Steve, you fucking idiot,” Bucky whispered.

Steve groaned and collapsed onto the floor. “I know, okay?!”

The door to their apartment burst open, and there was Natasha. “Why did I get an SOS text from Tony?!”

Steve gaped at her, terrified.

“…Steve made a mistake,” Bucky answered quickly, perfectly willing to throw his best friend under the bus. “He’s in the bathroom.”

“If he’s bleeding,” Natasha hissed, letting the threat hang there as she stalked to the bathroom.

Steve stared at the ceiling, resigned. His mom had always worried that he wouldn’t make it to thirty-five. He should have known she’d been just as worried about him saying the wrong thing as she was him coughing his lungs out.

He cringed as he heard Natasha burst out laughing, but it was quickly muffled, and then there were hurried whispers. A few minutes later, she exited the bathroom, shutting the door quietly behind her. She was grinning.

“Do you always grin before you murder people?” Steve asked sadly.

“Bucky, come fuck me at my place,” she ordered cheerfully. “Steve, see to Tony.”

“What,” Steve said, but she’d already grabbed Bucky’s ear and was dragging him out–not that he looked too put-out about it. He watched the door close behind them, then awkwardly got to his feet and approached the bathroom. “Um. Tony? Can I come in?”

The door opened just a crack, and he slipped inside.

His stomach fell to the floor when he saw tears running down Tony’s cheeks. “Oh my God.”

Tony peeked up at him, then threw his head back and slid down the toilet so his back was on the lid instead of his butt. His entire body was shaking, and he covered his mouth. “St-!”

“I’m sorry,” Steve said hurriedly. “I didn’t mean to–Are you fucking laughing?!” he shouted when he realized that the other man was grinning.

Tony waved his free hand frantically, little wheezing noises escaping from between his fingers.

“I can’t believe this! I thought–I thought I’d ruined everything, and you just came in here to laugh?!” Steve exclaimed, but it was hard to stay angry when Tony finally let out a bark of laughter as he slid off the toilet and onto the floor. “Yeah, laugh it up, you dick!”

Tony wrapped his arms around his stomach, once again laughing so hard that he was making no sounds except for tiny wheezes.

Steve couldn’t help the smile that came to his lips. “I thought Natasha was going to murder me, Tony!”

“HAAAHAHA!” Tony rocked onto his other side, kicking his feet wildly.

“Tony!” Steve grabbed his shoulders so he wouldn’t knock himself out on the tub. “It’s not that funny!”

“You were so earnest,” Tony sobbed out, grinning. “Oh my God!”

Steve rolled his eyes, smiling fondly, and bent down to kiss his laughing mouth. “Well, how was I supposed to know what was going on?”

“I expected you to say I needed a spanking or something,” Tony admitted, lifting a hand to wipe his eyes. “Oh God! Do I have abs? I feel like I should have abs from how hard and long I laughed.”

Steve grinned, which then faded into an awkward smile. “Um. I’m hard and long.”

“STEVE!” Tony screeched, bursting into laughter again, but took some of the sting out of it by pressing giggly, open-mouthed kisses to his jaw and neck. “That was awful!”

“Yeah,” Steve admitted, but couldn’t bring himself to be actually embarrassed. “Why did you send Natasha an SOS text if you were just in here laughing?”

“I wasn’t trying to, I was trying to type out what had happened, but I was laughing so hard the words got mixed up and she thought something was wrong.”

Steve paused. “…What do I have to do to keep you from telling everyone?”

“Everyone already knows!” Tony laughed. “Natasha sent a group text about it!”

“Aw, fuck!” Steve swore, because God damn it now Clint and Sam were going to be insufferable.

Tony drew him down for another kiss, laughing quietly into his mouth. “’ll make it worth your while?” he offered, smiling up at him.

“…I mean, I might as well get sex if my friends are going to torment me,” Steve decided, and rolled his eyes when Tony burst out laughing and sputtering ‘no okay I’ll calm down in a minute I swear!’

anonymous asked:

THAT SASULEE THO. More accurately: YOU give love a bad name, Miss KAT. YOU'VE BROKEN ME. I read those couple lines you wrote and then I had to take a minute to just rest my head back and BREATHE. Like, I am not actually exaggerating, and I am not someone who even usually the gets second-hand embarrassment let alone panic attacks, but MY HEART IS POUNDING. SASUKE COURTING LEE WOULD BE SO SO SO AWFUL. BUT ALSO SO SO SO SOOOOO ~WONDERFUL!~ ...Oh dear God save us all, Naruto would try to HELP...


A glorious, beautiful train wreck, yes?

Let’s talk about Dracula!

Yes, let’s.

(The book by Bram Stoker, I mean. There is a whole ‘nother conversation to be had about history and folklore and cultural reduction but right now is for morning coffee and classic literature.)

Thesis statement: Everyone should go out right now to their local library and pick up an unabridged copy of Dracula and start reading. 

Supporting evidence: It’s super good.

Classic lit can be onerous. Sometimes you read it and go “Okay, my guess is that it’s only a classic of Early American Lit because we only had so many examples to choose from.” (Looking at you, The Scarlet Letter.) Sometimes you read it and go “I get why it’s amazing but also why people don’t read it much.” (Hugs and kisses, Moby-Dick!) Sometimes you read it and just go “Whaaaaaaaaaaat???” (Shout-out to The Castle of Otranto and Fantomina: Or, Love In A Maze!)

Sometimes you read it and have to freak out all over tumblr.

Have you read Frankenstein? It’s better than Frankenstein.

Origin of the classic “image” of vampires, the garlic/stake/cross lore etc., the swooning maidens–yadda yadda, you get the idea. The part you won’t know until you read it is how charming and tender and heartbreaking and ghastly the original story was.

It’s all told in letters back and forth between the people who encounter Dracula and their attempts to not die, not go crazy, and not lose their souls. Important selling point: Everyone is in love with each other. There is so much love. So many Declarations of Devotion and Important Hand-Holdings and Forehead Kisses between very tender people. No really, this is a book full of cinnamon rolls. Lean into the pages and take a deep whiff of all that baked-good happiness.

(For someone very tired of “heroes” so clumsily flawed there’s no point, this overabundance of brave good selfless people is a delight.)

The story doesn’t unfold the way you would expect. For a reader familiar with the idea of vampires, it’s obvious from the start, but keep in mind that Stoker was having to introduce this myth pretty much from the ground up, and has to walk his very ordinary characters into believing the impossible one torturous, aching step at a time. 

It starts so very innocuously. Young cinnamon roll lawyer Jonathan Harker has been dispatched by his boss to meet with a client in Transylvania who is getting his affairs in order to move to London. Jonathan’s journal is full of asides about all the fun things he wants to tell his wonderful fiancee Mina when he gets back. The curious local customs! The paprika all over the food! The beautiful vistas! The urbane generosity of his host, Count Dracula! 

Oh no oh no oh no you go, watching Jonathan slowly come to realize how much trouble he is in over the ACTUAL MONTHS he spends living with the Count. Realizing he might never get out of this castle alive. 

Not that the Count has ever been anything but courteous. A heh.

We leave Jonathan in deadly peril and check in with wonderful fiancee Mina, AKA ACTUAL ARCHANGEL OF COURAGE AND MERCY and train fiend, and her ABSURDLY CHARMING letters back and forth with her bestie Lucy, who has approximately All Of The Men in love with her and who frankly deserves them. But what’s that? Lucy is sleepwalking? A weird ghost ship wrecked on the shore? Why is Lucy’s ex-boyfriend’s mental patient talking about consuming life and his Master coming for him? Is Jonathan ever going to get home?

(Sometimes Stoker hits this awful resounding note of irony, including someone’s ill-timed happy innocent letter in the midst of another person’s agony, and it’s just–augh.)

Here, I don’t want to tell you the whole thing. Trust me.

It’s also super readable. This is always important to me. It’s flowing, it’s witty, it’s beautiful without being florid. It is BREAKING MY ROTTEN HEART. If you’re looking for something elegant and wise and tender, this is the book for you this month.

CaptainSwan ff list #1

CaptainSwan multi-chapter fanfics I’ve read and consider worth of sharing. Will be updated as I read. <3

Shoutout to my favorite writers, @totheendoftheworldortime@nowforruin, because I’ve read almost every single story they’ve written!

  • The Reformed Scoundrel | |  Emma’s dire situation calls for desperate measures, proposing marriage to a duke seems to be the only way to protect her son, and there is just one nobleman who might consider such an outrageous offer - Killian Jones, the Duke of Hillsborough, the most notorious rake the ton has ever seen.
  • These Nights Aren’t Made For Thinking | | Emma Swan came to Portland, ME to start over. She’s got a job she loves, but when a particular case gets under her skin, she finds herself visiting the Jolly Roger and its curious bartender, Mr. Killian Jones, more often than she thinks is wise. But some nights aren’t made for thinking. 
  • The Pirate Queen | AO3 |  On a fateful journey to the New World, a terrible hurricane strikes and destroys the Montgomery. Emma Swan is the lone survivor of the wreck and wakes to find herself aboard the Jolly Roger and at the mercy of the infamous pirate, Captain Hook. Will she be able to outsmart the villainous Hook, or does fate have another plan in store?
  • Sexy Retribution (M) | AO3 |  Offering her help to her boyfriend’s brother, Emma had no idea what she was getting herself into.
  • Do You Want To? (M) | | Emma’s love life is a complete train wreck and after an particularly awful date decides to strike a deal with her devilishly handsome roommate.  
  • Haunted | AO3 | Emma has almost gotten over the death of her True Love. Her True Love, whom she’d lost to the snow queen almost a year prior. She believed she was getting better and so did her family. But now she keeps seeing him. Everywhere. He keeps showing up everywhere.
  • Company Policy | | Everyone thinks they’re dating and they start wondering if they’re dating.
  • The Rembrandt Files | | Killian Jones is a highly respected museum curator that focuses mainly on XIX century art. Emma Swan is a rising contemporary artist fiercely protective of her work. When Killian gets assigned to curate Emma’s first solo exhibition, things don’t necessarily start well but soon they will discover there is much to learn in art. And love.
  • The Trouble With Faking It | | Killian Jones is one drunken mistake from never setting foot on a movie set again. Enter Emma Swan, the woman his manager has paid to pretend to date him and clean up his image. It seems straightforward enough…but there’s always trouble with faking it.
  • Life Unexpected | |  After a tragic car accident took the lives of Liam and Elsa Jones, Killian found himself the heir to their family home, their business and their only child. Despite two large holes in his heart, he thinks he finally has things under control after a year of struggle and grief. In walks Emma Swan gradually filling both holes in the most unexpected way.
  • Poem Without Words  (M) | |  Looking to make some extra money, college senior Emma Swan takes a post as a model for Professor Killian Jones’ art class. Sparks fly on both sides. Will they give into temptation?
  • Wrong Number | |  Killian sends a text to a wrong number. Then magic begins.
  • Water Under The Bridge | |  He’d loved her since the moment they met, and still he’d let her go. The memories of their time together haunted them like a ghost until years later they meet again.
  • All Over You (M) | |After saving Henry the group are about to set off to find their way home from Neverland when Neal turns up alive, causing Emma to question her options. 
  • The Naked Truth (M) | | Emma Swan has arrived in Storybrooke, Maine, to do research for a story about small town political corruption. Her time there gets complicated when she meets the dashing mayor, Killian Jones, and is enticed by the promise of a life she never thought she could have.
  • Deeply Loved | | What if Emma still had her powers when they confronted Zelena in that barn?
  • Between Heaven and Hell | | They hide in plain sight, the servants of heaven and hell. The angels and the demons, who can save your soul or damn it. They stand on opposite sides, they are the bringers of light and the agents of darkness, they are enemies in an eternal war, but what happens when an angel and a demon are inexplicably drawn to each other?
  • Sometimes It Hurts | AO3 | After 8 years of marriage, Killian and Emma Jones are in the middle of a very public divorce. Clueless to why Emma is ready to end their marriage, the truth is a greater hardship than Killian could ever imagine.
  • Halfway (M) | AO3 | It’s been years since they’ve seen each other, but former best friends Killian Jones and Emma Swan meet up for lunch one day and end up spending the afternoon and evening together at the annual Miners’ Festival. Much has happened to them since they were close - and none of it very happy. Can they go back to being easy friends, or has it turned to something else entirely? 
  • Fun, Celebration, Freedom (M) | AO3 | Ruby and Jefferson throw a party when their parents are away. Emma has just broken up with Neal, and Ruby thinks that she should celebrate.
  • The Fire Of Love (M) | | Their love had seemed to be as romantic but less tragic than the love story of Romeo and Juliet – a love that would last forever. Though it didn’t have a tragic ending, it still left Emma with a broken heart. Until fate decided to reunite them again and Emma was thrust back into the flames.
  • Alone With You (M) | | Star investigative journalist Emma Swan needs nothing and no one, except her job. What happens when she meets her new boss’s brother, Killian Jones?
  • The Usual Story | | What happens when the hot guy Emma yelled at in Starbucks for spilling her coffee, is her devilishly handsome and rich playboy new boss Killian Jones?   
Do you want to? (2/6)

I am still floored with the response you guys had for the first chapter!! I hope you guys like this chapter as much as I loved writing it!!

Thanks again to the wonderful phiralovesloki for beta’ing this chapter!!

Summary: Emma’s love life is a complete train wreck and after a particularly awful date decides to strike a deal with her devilishly handsome roommate. 

Read on | AO3

Killian has trouble falling asleep. He keeps rethinking how he ended up here and he still can’t believe it. The evening started out as usual, Emma coming back home, them talking whilst sharing a drink and it ended with them making a pact followed by the best sex he had in the past years.

He still doesn’t know what pushed him to agree to this nonsense. A part of him told him it was crazy and that it would end up badly, but another was horny and really did want to sleep with Emma. He will never admit it to her, but she does sometimes play a role in his dreams, especially after a night when she’s been on a date or trying to seduce a perp as she wore a short fitted dress.

He buries his hands in his hair as he exhales loudly. He doesn’t know what possessed him to be awkward with her right after, it wasn’t him. He normally is quite cocky, using his usual innuendos to keep that distance with the girls he slept with. But with Emma, he’s more concerned about crossing any of her boundaries and well, they did set up some rules so it makes the thing a tad different. He really needs to get his shit together before morning.

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