Résumé

It’s my first session as a DM and I’m using the tavern trope. The party’s warlock, also a new player, approaches the dwarf running the bar.

Warlock: “Hey, I hear you have work for those looking for it”.

I, as a DM, and subsequently the Dwarf totally misunderstand.

Dwarf: Yeah, we’re holding open interviews for a bartender position tonight.

Warlock: Here, look over my résumé.

The player hands me his character sheet.

Dwarf: …Yeah, this is very interesting. You seem to have assigned numerical values to all of your skills. A 12 in strength?

Warlock: I forgot to put it on there but I also have a 13 in soft skills.

Dwarf: Can I ask what unit of measurement these numbers are in?

Warlock: Celsius.

For the Hundredth Time...

We are in a dank cave with water flowing from somewhere. Our Cleric is fighting the last enemy.
Dwarf Cleric: I throw my shield, Captain America style.
Me GM: Ok.
(rolls nat 1)
Me: You throw your shield into the river.
Dwarf: What river?
Me: That one. (Points to map)
Dwarf: Shit.

Later…
He bought another shield.
First enemies.
Dwarf: I throw my shield at a random guy.
Me: Anyone?
Dwarf: Yeah.
Me: (Rolls to determine target.)(Target is himself. Rolls nat 20. To shake things up, I roll on the something happens table. “An old enemy returns…” is what I got.
Me: Holy shit. So…you throw your shield, it curves round, and conks you on the skull. (Rolls max damage possible)
Dwarf: At least I still have my shield.
Me: A river comes crashing down the mountain, and sweeps away your shield. As it fades away, you can see your other shield in the river.
Dwarf: I fight the river.
Me: (rolls nat 1)
Me: The river forms a water elemental, and the water elemental takes both of your shields…
Me: (rolls two nat 20s)
Me: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! THIS ELEMENTAL SLAPS YOU AROUND WITH BOTH OF YOUR SHIELDS UNTIL YOU ARE UNCONSCIOUS, AND THEN LEAVES.
Bard: I loot him