I saw the subspace one or whatever and it reminded me of this that I've wanted written but I'm a shit writer: Sam and Dean going through a huge ass fight, and Sam is too scared to ask Dean to Dom for him again because he thought Dean wouldn't want to( would be angry at him for asking), so he goes out to find a different Dom, just for one night, and then he goes through serious sub drop for the next few days. It's up to Dean to figure out what happened to his Sammy (and he does).
Hi there, anon. :) Please don’t sell yourself short like that! I’m sure you are a wonderful writer and I really hope you continue to write if it’s something you truly enjoy doing. <3
Anywho, I hope this is to your liking! (P.S. this is set during season five right after Sympathy for the Devil.)
I just don’t think I can trust you.
Those words had been haunting Sam for the last week. Each night when he laid down, tired and full of regret, he heard those ominous words echoing in his mind; saw Dean’s face, expression cold and bitter with betrayal as he spoke them over and over again and it made Sam’s heart ache. Dean’s trust was something Sam had always cherished and been grateful for and now he’d lost it. He’d fucked up royally, and there was nothing he could do to earn his brother’s trust back now. Not after what he’d done. Sam had chosen Ruby over Dean; had chose to trust a demon over his own flesh and blood and it didn’t matter if he’d thought he was doing the right thing at the time, Sam had been wrong and the words ‘I’m sorry’ just weren’t going to cut it.
So, Sam didn’t bother apologizing anymore once Dean had shot him down initially. He just didn’t see the point. And maybe, just maybe, there was a small part of Sam that was afraid, if he apologized profusely enough, that Dean would actually come around and forgive him. Which Sam didn’t deserve. He didn’t deserve Dean’s forgiveness and he certainly didn’t deserve Dean’s sympathy. He needed to be punished for what he’d done; needed to feel that agonizing pain of knowing he’d screwed up all on his own and that there was nobody to blame but himself. But it shouldn’t have stopped there. Sam felt, with every fiber of his being, that he needed not only a psychological punishment but a physical one as well. He needed to feel the harsh sting of a whip against his skin, needed to feel soft skin welt and bruise under another’s hand; and if Dean hadn’t been so livid with him, Sam would have dropped to his knees and begged for such a punishment from his big brother. He couldn’t though, not when he knew there was a very good possibility that Dean would say no; that he would be disgusted that Sam even had the audacity to ask. Truthfully, Sam couldn’t take the disappointment or the shame that came with his big brother denying him such a request.
There was a way for him to get what he needed though, and Sam, God help him, couldn’t even last seven days before he went off, weak and broken, to find it. And while being dominated by a man that wasn’t Dean felt so wrong to Sam, it got him the punishment he craved, the punishment he deserved. Unfortunately however, it also pulled him even further into his dark state of depression. The man who’d been his substitute Dom had fucked him and left him, and his disinterest in Sam’s well-being had been just another reminder to the young hunter that he was worthless. He didn’t deserve the kindness or sympathy of that stranger, just like he didn’t deserve such treatment from his big brother.
“Okay, that’s it. What the hell is going on, man?” Dean asked, voice low and burdened with concern as he crawled into bed with Sam. “You’ve been lying here for the last three days…seriously, you’re starting to scare me.”
“…Nothing,” Sam mumbled in reply, a sharp, white-hot pain streaking across his chest when he realized that Dean was taking care to keep his distance. God, his brother couldn’t even stand the thought of leaning against him. Like the very touch of Sam’s skin would infect him with a some vile disease.
“Don’t lie to me, Sam. Something’s happened. This isn’t just about Ruby…or the apocalypse.”
“You’re right, Dean, it’s not!”
Sam was shaking, tears blurring his vision as he curled himself into a ball, cringing violently when he felt Dean’s hand settle on his shoulder.
“Sam- Sammy, please?…What’s going on?”
“Just leave me alone.”
“No, Sam. I’m not just gonna sit back and watch you suffer…I can’t,” Dean whispered, fingers sliding upward to tangle in Sam’s hair, scratching gently; the affection in the gesture making the younger man sick with want. Want for something he did not deserve in the slightest.
“…Dean, please…It’s- it’s just…” Sam pleaded with a broken sob. God, this was the last thing he wanted to tell Dean right now.
“It’s just what, Sam? Subdrop? I know, sweetheart.”
Before he could stop himself, Sam rolled over onto his back, looking up at his big brother in complete shock. Dean knew. Damn it, Dean knew! Sam could see it in his beautiful eyes. This was just friggin’ great. As if his brother didn’t hate him enough.
“I had my suspicions when you didn’t come home a couple of nights ago. You think you can just stay out until ass o’clock in the morning and expect me not to jump to all kinds of shitty conclusions?”
“Dean…God, I’m so sorry. It- I swear it didn’t mean anything. I just-”
“Ssh,” Dean cooed, leaning down to kiss Sam’s cheek; warm lips pressing firm against tear stained skin as Sam let out another pitiful sob. “I don’t care, okay? You needed something that I couldn’t give you…I get that…but Sammy, you gotta know that what you’re feeling isn’t true. All those horrible thoughts? They’re just a product of the subdrop, okay? None of its true.”
“…That’s where you’re wrong, Dean. Subdrop or not, that doesn’t change the fact that I screwed up, irrevocably so…and that I’m a waste of fucking space.”
“Damn it, Sam. Don’t say that! You act like you’re the only Winchester to ever make a mistake. News flash, you’re not. And if you ever say that you’re a waste of space again I’ll kick your teeth down your throat. I wouldn’t have a fucking clue what to do with myself if you weren’t here.”
“Dean…what I did, it’s unforgivable,” Sam cried, big shiny puppy dog eyes brimming with tears as he stared up at Dean in utter anguish.
“Bullshit, Sam. You’re my brother and there isn’t a damn thing you could do that’s unforgivable…I know what I said before but…goddamn it, Sammy I was just angry…and hurt. You have to know I didn’t mean it…I’ll- I’ll get there, baby. I will. I just need some time.”
“…You think you can forgive me? Seriously? Even for starting the apocalypse?”
“Sammy,” Dean sighed, thumb stroking Sam’s cheek tenderly. “I love you more than anyone I’ve ever loved in my entire life and I’m positive that I could forgive you for pretty much anything. Including jumpstarting the apocalypse.”
Dean’s words hit Sam like a freight train, and he was too stunned, too overwhelmed with gratitude to say anything in return. He really didn’t deserve this…no matter how much he wanted it.
“Don’t, baby. Please. I can see those gears grinding.”
“…I can’t help it, De…I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, Sammy. It’s okay,” Dean whispered as he peppered soft kisses all over his little brother’s face. “Just do me a favor, alright? Try, really try, to hear what I’m saying. This isn’t all on you…a lot of people, including myself, made a lot of mistakes for this all to fall into place. But you know what? You are gonna be the one to help stop it though. You and me, kiddo. We’re gonna find a way to stop this.”
“How can you be so sure, De?”
“Because I know you, Sammy. You’re a hero, inside and out. And you’re gonna save the world.”
Sam took a deep breath, completely taken aback by his brother confidence in him. Dean sounded so sincere, so genuine. Like he would have bet his life on the fact that what he was saying was 100% true. And it made Sam’s heart swell with pride. When Dean talked like that, it made Sam feel special, needed; and he was almost, maybe just a little, starting to believe what his brother was saying himself.
“I- I love you so much, De…I wish there was something I could say to show you how fucking sorry I am for what I’ve done.”
“Sammy, seriously. I know. It’s okay,” Dean repeated, looking down at Sam with conviction in his eyes. “It’s gonna be okay. Now c’mon, let’s get you in the shower. Maybe some hot water will do you good.”
“Yeah…yeah alright, De. Will- will you join me?”
“Sure, baby. I can do that.”