I work in an assembly-line style sandwich shop. The other day, somebody shat on the dining room floor WHILE STILL IN LINE ORDERING THEIR SANDWICH then paid, grabbed their food, and ran out before anyone noticed. Turns out this guy’s been banned from a few other fast food places in the area for doing the same thing. Fuck customers
i got some beautiful mantou (chinese steamed bread, it’s v fluffy and lightly sweet!) at the market yesterday.
halved, buttered, and thrown on the skillet…
and topped w cheddar, salami, and poppy seed dressing.
this sandwich was so unspeakably delicious i already feel like i need to make five more. the mantou was so tender, contrasting with the buttery crisp edges, and the western-style sandwich fillings worked surprisingly well. i wanna put some cucumber and maybe dill in the next one i make!
(part one here) (frankly you people frighten me) (@edielovespie demanded more)
TED: And we’re back for the entree round. Please open your baskets. You must construct an unforgettable entree using live monarch butterflies, chocolate sandwich cookies, vegan tenderloin, and hubcap. You have thirty minutes. Clock starts now.
MADAGASCAR: The judges were really nice to me in spite of the blood in the first round, so I need to step it up if I want to continue. I get the cream filling out of the cookies and put the cookie part aside for a crostini later.
ANGELA: The tenderloin tastes kind of like pork, so I get some fish sauce and oranges and cornstarch from the pantry to get it coated for an Asian-inspired Kung Pao technique.
JUDGE AARON: Now, the real challenge in this basket are those live butterflies. They are poisonous in every way, especially the wings, which are brightly-colored as nature’s warning sign.
JUDGE SCOTT: I was thinking the hard part would be the cookies, it’s got that double sweetness that has to be balanced just right in a dish containing tenderloin of vegan.
BILL: I overhear the judges talking about butterfly wings, so I spread them on top of my tenderloin like a puff pastry. Gonna make a Wellington. We do that a lot at my restaurant, though honestly I never thought to put it with a hubcab.
TED: Fifteen minutes remaining.
ANGELA: I’m hacking at the hubcap with my carving knife, but I just can’t seem to crack it open. I know the center of these things is a rich, creamy sort of muscle like a scallop, and I’m hoping to use it like a surf-n-turf pairing.
ANGELA: I look over and I see that the fryer wasn’t even turned on! My cutlets are ruined, and I’m so short on time I can’t start over. I throw the bits onto the grill and hope the’ll cook in time.
MADAGASCAR: I grate some of the hubcap into the sauce to give it some brightness. It’s turning this really shiny metallic grey, not very appetizing. Meanwhile, my spring rolls are ready to roll up but these aren’t the kind of wrappers I’m used to. I think they’re made of, like, rice or something?
BILL: I’m watching the time just slip away, and I hope my Wellington isn’t overdone. They really didn’t give us a lot of tenderloin for this round. (laughs) Maybe they’re all from the same vegan? (laughing stops, sudden realization dawns)
TED: And this is your last minute! Finish what you can and get it one the plate!
(small fire erupts behind Angela)
MADAGASCAR: MY COOKIES!
TED: And five (Madagascar throwing spring rolls onto a square dish) four (Bill frantically just pulling the tenderloin out of the oven) three (Angela drops one of her cutlets on the floor, swears) two (Bill delicately spooning something wet and pearly onto the plate) one, please step back. (Madagascar throws both hands in the air)
ANGELA: This is probably not my best work, but it’s so important that I make my parents proud, it has to be good enough.
MADAGASCAR: I’m looking at the other dishes and it’s pretty clear nobody knew what to do with a hubcap.
BILL: (says nothing, frowning with growing concern at the bloodied paper that held the vegan tenderloin)
TED: Chef Bill, please describe what you made.
BILL: Um…Well it’s monarch-wrapped tenderloin in the Wellington style, with a sandwich cookie sauce and served in a hubcap. I’ve never worked with imitation meat before, haha.
JUDGE AARON: Imitation?
JUDGE SCOTT: I like that you used the cookies as a chocolaty sauce, it sort of lends a mole flavor to things, or would if you had seasoned it differently. The butterflies add a lot of bitterness, though that might be the poison starting to wreck my body.
JUDGE ALEX: Mine’s a little undercooked? But I like the chocolate as well, inspired.
TED: Chef Madagascar.
MADAGASCAR: Before you I have a vegan tenderloin spring roll, with a pickled arugula and butterfly salad and a chocolate hubcap dipping sauce.
JUDGE AARON: There are so many flavors here.
JUDGE ALEX: The butterflies add a nice crunch, I like that you pickled them and really used their toxicity to your advantage, but I kind of think this isn’t enough to call an entree. It’s more of an appetizer.
TED: And finally, chef Angela.
ANGELA: I’ve made for you an oil-braised and grilled tenderloin, with a ginger hubcap cream sauce and a red wine chocolate cookie crumble.
JUDGE SCOTT: You’re the only one who used the inner muscle of the hubcap. This is the most perfectly cooked hubcap I’ve ever had, but (pokes at it with fork) I just don’t like the seasonings.
TED: Angela, what would winning mean to you?
ANGELA: My parents made it pretty clear they didn’t approve of my love of cooking when I came out to them as a chef when I was thirteen. Until that time we had been a strictly food-free household. I guess winning would prove to them that I’m doing what I truly love.
TED: Chefs, please give us a minute to deliberate. (chefs file out of the kitchen)
All I can think of is that creamy seafood center.
(In the sweat room)
BILL: Does anyone else think the vegan tenderloin wasn’t actually for vegans but made of vegan?
ANGELA: Cow is vegan.
BILL: Yeah but what happened to Gooseberry?
MADAGASCAR: I think it could go any way here. We all made pretty great-looking dishes.
MADAGASCAR: It’s going to be me. Bill’s freaking out and Angela’s a wuss.
BILL: I have to win this. Whatever I said before, now I have to just so I can go home and tell my wife I love her. I…don’t feel safe.
(the chefs reconvene in front of the judges)
(TED PULLS AWAY THE COVER TO REVEAL ANGELA’S DISH, MORE MUSIC)
TED: Chef Angela, you’ve been chopped. Be well.
BILL: Angela…I’m so sorry.
ANGELA: I know my parents are proud of me anyway. (leaves down the hall)
TED: Two chefs remaining! Who will take home the ten thousand dollar prize in the dessert round, and WHO (Bill sweating) WILL (Madagascar folds arms defiantly) BE (close up on exactly how much Bill is sweating) CHOPPED?
For a lovable anon. Where I am from we actually don’t have “Come Dine With Me” show but we have similar “Tables set!” (Wikipedia says “Spread!“ but let me tell you that’s some ugly translation) For those of you who don’t know this show at all: You gather 5 amateur cooks and each day one of them hosts a dinner for everyone. Their rivals give them points (1-10) and after five days the person who has the most points wins some prize, usually money. The dinner consists of appetizer/soup, main dish, dessert, and an activity.(Yes, I know that it is usually appetizer followed by soup but listen, I’ve just came up with 20*3 unique meals and 20 activities. And speaking for myself, I have problem to fit into myself a dinner consisting of two dishes, so 4 feels too many.) I had our leaders randomly (I used dice) sorted into groups of 5, so we will have 4 winners in the end.
Vol’jin: Raptor egg soup, tiger-burger with mashed potatoes, exotic fruit salad with ice cream, and bone carving. Thrall: Spring rolls, beef goulash, 7 flavors rainbow pudding, and candle making. Mekkatorque: Garlic spread and spicy bread, scrambled eggs with sour cream and gammon, caramel cream puffs, and make-your-own-firework with later firework display. Garrosh: Spring carp soup, clefthoof kabob, Terokkar pine-nut cake, and Hine’n’Seek with his 37 ghost children (unintended). Genn: Tartare, slow cooked turkey with dumpling, various cupcakes, and cupcakes decorating.
Winner: Vol’jin. Warchief, more like Warchef.
Falstad: Open (vegetarian) sandwiches, escalope of three meats with baby carrot, macaroon, and playing darts. Baine: Sweet corn seeds in spice, chicken tikka masala in flatbread, grilled fruit, and painting on leather. Tyrande: Spicy cinnamon rolls, sweet rice with pineapple and crunchy chicken bits, mascarpone cheese cakes, and beauty makeover. Velen: Small fruitcakes, jungle stew with bread, ice cream, and ice cream making. Gallywix: Creamy tomato soup, trout a la creme, tiramisu, and mini golf.
Winner: Gallywix. If you bitch about people’s cooking, you better be a good cook yourself, that’s his motto.
Sylvanas: Mushroom cake, roasted lamb with stuffing-cooked-aside, olives and creme cheese in spring onion (presented as eyeballs), and mirror labyrinth. Lor’themar: Especially spicy devil clams, saffron-and-curry rice with sweet deer, various baked cheeses with cranberry sauce, and fire dancing. Ji: Ramen, noodles of thousand flavors and grilled vegetable, sweet rice cakes and Hearthstone tournament. Muradin: Thin mint-and-chocolate cookies, hare stew with potatoes and homemade cornbread, small grilled cheeseburgers, and ale tasting. Aysa: Sweet-and-sour chili soup, crispy breaded chicken strips with orange sauce, vegetable sushi rolls, and painting on silk shirts.
Winner: Lor’themar. The sweet victory was worth staying sober for five days straight.
Anduin: Creamy fish soup, potato pancakes with beef, cheese fondue, and 5-man version of Jihui. Varian: Onion soup, pork tenderloin with pasta and spinach sauce, blueberry cheesecake, andopening champagne with a sword. Moira: Homemade pates with dwarven shortbread, sweet dumblings with strawberry stuffing, chocolate-vanilla butter roll, and visiting her lava-heated glasshouse. Taedal: Radish salad with sour goat cheese, skewered warp stalker bits and exotic fruit, open sandwich (danish style), and pearl-hunt diving. Lady Deathwhisper: Gazpacho, risotto with four meats, frozen cream puff ball surprise (varying flavor and a nut inside),
and ice sculpting.
Varian: Hold on, hold on. Lady Deathwhisper? What is she doing here? Lady Deathwhisper: You see, there was one competitor needed for this group and the Lich King thought the Scourge should be… More positively represented. Lady Deathwhisper: And Kel’thuzad is a miserable cook, so…
Winner: Anduin. The living proof that less sometimes means moreand simple and traditional is always good.