stupidiot

TSK: She just came in for “eye infection”

Cranquis: So did anything happen to your eye before it turned red and itchy?

40-something female patient: NO IT’S NOT INJURED, IT’S JUST INFECTED.

Cranquis: Ok. Have you been around anyone with pink eye lately?

Patient: NO BUT WHEN I WOKE UP YESTERDAY MY CAT WAS LICKING MY EYE.

Cranquis glances at the chart – ‘ALLERGY: Cats’

Patient: SO I KNEW MY CAT WAS GOING TO INFECT MY EYE, AND I TOOK SOME OF MY BOYFRIEND’S ANTIBIOTIC PILLS BUT THOSE WEREN’T STRONG ENOUGH BECAUSE THE INFECTION IS SPREADING, LOOK! 

Patient lifts shirt to reveal hives on torso

Cranquis glances at the chart – ‘ALLERGY: Bactrim’

Cranquis: Were the antibiotics called Bactrim?

Patient: HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

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Photo Source: STUPIDIOTIC

TSK: Now remember, children -- Motrin and Ibuprofen are the same drug.

Cranquis: So what meds have you tried for your knee pain?

50-something Patient w/ knee arthritis: MOTRIN.

Cranquis: How many pills and how often?

Patient: ONE. JUST ONE.

Cranquis: Well I can tell you that 1 dose of 200mg of Motrin is nowhere near enough anti-inflammatory to make a difference in an adult patient.

Patient: EXACTLY. SO PRESCRIBE ME SOMETHING STRONGER.

Cranquis: Well, I could, but the prescription meds have greater side effects; why don’t you try taking a higher dose of Motrin for a few days? Or switching to Aleve?

Patient: NO I WANT A PRESCRIPTION, I’M NOT WASTING TIME ON THOSE PUNY DRUGS.

Cranquis *wishing Pt had used a Schwarzenegger accent just then*: Ok then, I’ll prescribe you Diclofenac, but it could be harder on your stom–

Patient: HOW MANY MG IS THAT?

Cranquis: 75.

Patient: DON’T TRY TO BE SNEAKY WITH ME DOC, YOU JUST SAID 200MG WASN’T ENOUGH AND NOW YOU WANT TO GIVE ME ONLY 75MG!

Cranquis: No, see, it’s a different drug, and th–

Patient: I NEED A STRONGER MEDICATION, SO GIVE ME SOMETHING WITH A BIGGER MG!

Cranquis *a pause*: …Oh, I know! How about a short-term prescription for ibuprofen, 800mg tablets?

Patient: NOW THAT IS MORE LIKE IT. GEEZ.

Cranquis

deadspin.com
What Did We Get Stuck In Our Rectums This Year?

AKA: “The Year in Foreign Bodies: a 2013 Rec-trospective” – for good laughs, try reading this list to the family around the holiday table tonight!

As in past years, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has created a searchable database of emergency room visits around the country. And as in past years, we have trolled the data for the finest examples of insertions showcasing extraordinarily bad luck and/or ingenuity.

Sorted by orifice, working south:

Ear:
SEED
PAINTBRUSH
“SOME BALLS”
SLAG
MAKEUP BRUSH
PATIENT TOLD PARENTS THAT THE CATS STUCK SOMETHING IN HER EAR
GASOLINE
BUTTERFLY
HERSHEY KISS
“CLASSMATE PUT A ROCK IN EAR, HAS PIECE OF PAPER IN OTHER EAR”

Nose:
EAR PLUG
CRAYON
PLASTIC EYEBALL
HEART-SHAPED GEM
DIME
PENNY
NICKEL
AA BATTERIES
SPONGE
SMALL DECORATIVE ROCK
2 ERASERS
MULCH
“PLACED A BEAD IN HER NOSTRIL, PATIENT HAS NO COMPLAINTS”

Throat:
DETERGENT PACK
WHISTLE
ENGAGEMENT RING
“SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE TAKING A SHOWER”
DOING MAGIC TRICK AT SCHOOL & SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
SCHOOL LOGO MAGNET
CONFETTI
SCREW
A TACO
BALL OF STRING
A BEE

Penis:
PENIS PLUG
20-30 MAGNETIC BUCKY BALLS
DICE
FISHTANK AIRHOSE
ANTENNA
SEWING NEEDLE
BB PELLET
“WIDE WOODEN DOWEL”
NAIL
PLASTIC PIPE, DENTAL FLOSS WITH BEADS
WIRE
MARBLE
EMBEDDED DOMINO IN PENIS “TO PLEASE THE LADIES”

Vagina:
GLUE STICK
BARRETTE
SMALL FINGER VIBRATOR–"IT’S STILL ON"
TOILET PAPER
“LONG BLACK OBJECT”
PENIS RING
RIVET
“WORMS COMING OUT OF PEE-PEE"—PINWORMS
SPOON
PENCIL ERASER
PLASTIC BOTTLE OF CREAM (LID STILL ON)
NAPKINS IN VAGINA TO HAVE SEX DURING PERIOD

Rectum:
PENCIL
PENCILS
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
COLOGNE BOTTLE
LOTION JAR
SODA CAN
SODA BOTTLE
FLASHLIGHT
BATHTUB STOPPER
SHOT GLASS (BROKEN)
SOCK
ICE PACK
END OF CURTAIN ROD
"PATIENT STATES HE WAS EXPERIENCING AN ITCHY RECTUM AND INSERTED A REMOTE CONTROL TO SCRATCH”
VIBRATOR
VIBRATOR BATTERY
COVER OF VIBRATOR
TIP OF VIBRATOR
“BIG PURPLE DILDO”
“PATIENT STATES HE GOT DRUNK AND PASSED OUT AT GIRLFRIENDS HOUSE, AWOKE WITH SPOONS AND DILDOS IN RECTUM”
LIGHTER
TOY SUBMARINE
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
2 HALVES OF BAR OF SOAP
POOL BALL
LIT BOTTLE ROCKET; “IT DIDN’T GO WELL”

Naw, I’m scared to use those inhalers. I had a buddy who used those for years, and he died.
— 

50-something male with a COPD exacerbation and influenza… still smoking 2 packs/day… but really worried that Symbicort will kill him.

(He doesn’t get the flu shot either – it has all sorts of chemicals in it.)

TSK: 50-something male with a 15-something grasp of science

4-inch-long full-thickness laceration of the shin, from an old soda can kicked up by a lawn mower blade.

Tibia is visible through parts of the wound, which is contaminated with dirt and grass and who knows what.

Last tetanus shot “probably 20 years ago or more”; declines tetanus booster shot today – reason?

“My immune system is strong enough, those vaccines just weaken you." 

youtube

The funniest April 1st video of 2016.

TSK: I have the utmost respect for your idiocy.

Ok, parents of the 3-month-old girl with a high fever and diarrhea – let me get this straight:

  • You all just returned from 3 weeks visiting family in Mexico.
  • While in Mexico, little Ayeli had “a cough and runny nose, no fever” and you took her to a doctor who gave her a shot of penicillin (yay, modern Mexican medicine!) plus 3 days of oral penicillin. She “got all better in 3 days” (wow, big surprise, a cold getting better in less than a week!).
  • Now she’s had “black watery diarrhea” for 3 days, and a fever since last night (although, of course, you have no idea what temperature it was because you don’t own a thermometer). Here in my clinic, her temp is 101.5 degrees.
  • Her flu and strep tests are negative here, her chest x-ray looks fine to me, her ears are fine, her lungs sound fine, her throat looks fine, there’s no rash.

Ok, all that being said: you absolutely refuse to let me get a catheterized urine specimen to check for a bladder infection. “Is that really necessary?” you ask. “The doctor in Mexico didn’t do that!” you exclaim. “We don’t want to cause her any pain!” you wail. “Would you do that to your own child?” you challenge. (To which I answered, “Yes, in this situation at this age, yes, I would.”)

Oops, you’re absolutely right! I was just gonna have my nurse stick a tube up your child’s urethra for the pure giggles of it!! You caught me – I’m a sadist! And obviously that doctor in Mexico is the world’s expert on diagnosing Fever of Unknown Origin, since he pre-emptively put her on antibiotics before a fever even BEGAN! I’m certain that the injected penicillin hurt much less than a 30-second catheterization, too! I quiver in the presence of your genius! Here, take this prescription pad and go get her something nice at the pharmacy!!!! It would also be really nice if you’d condescend to doing these stool tests I’m ordering to see if she’s bleeding internally from some yummy enteric pathogen – but if that’s too gross for you or something, don’t fret about it – seriously, who dies from diarrhea nowadays?! Oh and when her fever doesn’t go away by tomorrow, don’t come back to my clinic, because the first thing I’ll do it stick a catheter in your child’s urethra while praying that she doesn’t have a bladder infection headed for her kidneys and All Points West!

I walked out of that exam room and told my nurse: “My new motto is: You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it think.” I’m pretty proud of being able to come up with that from within my cloud of blinding rage at that moment.

TSK: There's a-hole in your theory

Dear father of the “boy with wheezing for past 6 weeks”:

I’m not upset that you waited that long before bringing him in to the Urgent Care for “coughing all the time and wheezing at night, but only when he is in the house.”

I’m not upset that you caused his breathing problems in the first place,  by “throwing handfuls of mothballs into the walls and the heating vents 6 weeks ago, to get rid of the mice in the house” – so many mothballs, in fact, that people who visit your house tell you that “it smells like mothballs in here.”

No. What has me ticked off is that you went home from our visit, and told your wife that “the mothballs have nothing to do with the boy’s breathing problems” and “we don’t need to try to get them out” – which was the EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU.

How did I find out about your blatant lie? Happy coincidence – since I’m the same doctor who saw your wife the following week, when she came in for (wait for it…): “wheezing and short of breath whenever I am in my house for past 7 weeks.”

vimeo

Dr. Trump breaks bad post-op news in an outstanding, really outstanding way. Everybody says they love the way Dr. Trump doctors. Except losers.

(Sad to say, I’ve known a few docs with bedside manner this awful…) 

TSK: Not sure what you want from me, lady...
  • 50-something female patient (here for "painful urination for 8 days"):What took you so long to come back?
  • Cranquis:Um, the urine test takes 3 minutes to run, sorry about that. The result definitely shows a bladder infection.
  • Patient:Well DUH, I told you I had a bladder infection when I came in here, like FOREVER ago.
  • Cranquis (glancing at computer, which shows she has been in our clinic for a grand total of 15 minutes so far):Well let me just send off the antibiotic prescription for you and...
  • Patient:I don't want any antibiotics! I just wanted to confirm I had an infection.
  • Cranquis (glancing at computer, which shows that it only FEELS like I've been in this room for FOREVER):...
TSK: Stupid-sense, tingling!

Hey hey, Constant Readers! Now that you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve probably started to develop a Stupidity Sixth-Sense for patient scenarios that are just about to “go for a trip to Stupid Town.”

So, let’s put your new ability to the test: read through this patient’s story line by line, and note which line first causes your SSS to start ringing (MINE started buzzing at line 2, and was howling by line 3).

Patient: 75-year-old male with “shoulder and neck aches”.

  1. “Well, last weekend I was at a restaurant with my 15-year-old grandson, and we played one of those arcade games where you shoot basketballs.
  2. "He kept making the baskets, and I could barely get the ball to hit the rim.
  3. "So yesterday, I went to the gym and tried shooting some baskets, and I still couldn’t get the ball up to the rim.
  4. "So I went over to the weight area, and lifted weights for 2 hours.
  5. "Then I went back and tried shooting baskets for another hour.
  6. "I never did make a basket, so I went home.
  7. "This morning, I woke up and my neck was killing me, and my shoulders feel stiff.
  8. "Do you think I got meningitis from someone at the gym?” (By this point, I was trying so hard to NOT laugh, that I was chewing the inside of my cheeks!)

Scoring: If your SSS started tingling at…

  • Line 1: maybe you are a bit too cynical.
  • Line 2: you obviously have prior experience with real patients.
  • Line 4: you are a rational human being.
  • Line 7: you know the shortest way to the bus stop.
  • Line 8: you need remedial work; please go read some other “stupidiot” patient stories.
  • Just now: please don’t ever become a doctor. :)
Dr. Cranquis and the Woman who is afraid of medical terms
  • Cranquis:Well the nurse told me you're here because you fell and hurt your elbow?
  • Woman:well i don't know if i hurt it or not.
  • Cranquis:So it's not hurting?
  • Woman:well i don't know you tell me.
  • Cranquis:O-okay. Well, let me examine it -- (grasping elbow, starting to move arm around) -- let me know if this hurts... (continues exam, patient never flinches or acts like she's in pain). Well, that's pretty reassuring. Your elbow doesn't make any clunking or grinding noises, but I noticed it wasn't extending as much as it should...
  • Woman:(starts turning pale and sweaty) clunking? ooohhh... (closes eyes, looks like she's gonna faint)
  • Cranquis:Are you in pain?
  • Woman:no i just hate medical terms.
  • Cranquis:You mean terms like "clunking"?
  • Woman:oooooh.... yes.... i need to lie down.
  • -------
  • Cranquis:(after looking at patient's elbow xray) Ok, everything looked good on the xray to me.
  • Woman:oh that's wonderful can i go home now.
  • Cranquis:Well, I think your elbow is sprained (watches her carefully to make sure she doesn't faint from the word "sprained"), so I'd recommend wearing an arm sling for a couple days.
  • Woman:oooh, i wouldn't like to do that, i'd feel really anxious wearing that thing.
  • Cranquis:Ok, that's your choice, I'll let you know if the radiologist has anything further to say about your xray. (gives her other instructions for the elbow, patient leaves looking all sweaty and pale again after a nerve-wracking discussion about "ibuprofen" and "ice packs")
  • -------
  • Cranquis:(on the phone with the patient) Now, do you remember I told you yesterday that I would have the radiologist look at your xray?
  • Woman:oh my god what's wrong is something wrong?
  • Cranquis:Well the report says there are some subtle findings which could indicate a hidden small fracture in the elbow...
  • Woman:oh my god i'm getting all sweaty and light-headed.
  • Cranquis:Please sit down before you fall down. I spoke with the orthopedic doc, and he just wants you to wear that arm sling for a few days until he can recheck you in his clinic.
  • Woman:oh dear well ok i can come get it after work.
  • Cranquis:Sounds fine, good bye.
  • -------
  • Cranquis' Nurse:Doc, the woman came in for the arm sling, but she's refusing to let me put on the arm sling until you talk with her, she says she doesn't know why she has to wear it.
  • Cranquis:Oh lord not again. (goes into patient's room) Hi what's up?
  • Woman:I AM VERY UPSET THAT I COME IN HERE EXPECTING YOU TO PUT AN ARM SLING ON MY BROKEN ELBOW AND INSTEAD YOU SEND THAT NURSE IN HERE WHAT KIND OF TREATMENT IS THIS AND WHY DID SHE WANT TO GIVE ME A BUSINESS CARD FOR THE ORTHOPEDIC DOCTOR AND HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DRIVE WITH THAT SLING ON AND I THOUGHT YOU TOLD ME YESTERDAY THAT IT WASN'T BROKEN AND NOW YOU'RE SAYING IT IS BROKEN THIS IS VERY UNACCEPTABLE TREATMENT AND I WANT SOME ANSWERS RIGHT NOW!
  • Cranquis:*starts composing this post in his head as he repeats everything he already told her in the phone call, almost word for word*... and so if you don't wear the sling, you could end up needing to wear a cast for a while or even need surgery, and I doubt you'd like that any better than you enjoyed talking about your bones yesterday.
  • Woman:ok that sounds fine send the nurse in with the sling now please.
  • Cranquis:?#$%$FG!@LK#$
Behind the Medic: Zpak Alternatives

Been working on a Cranquis Mail reply about antibiotic overuse. Just had a great idea for some alternatives to the Zpak (azithromycin, an antibiotic often demanded by patients) – I need to patent these ASAP:

  • See?Pak – 6 combo tabs of azithromycin + a powerful laxative, designed to emphasize my warning that “antibiotics can have many side effects, including diarrhea.”
  • Zpak 90x – A homeopathic 90x dilution of azithromycin, for people who actually NEED an antibiotic but refuse to take anything that “isn’t natural.” (Note: dosing requires 180 tabs the first day, 90 tabs each day after, for a total of 90 days.)
  • Zpatch – Adhesive patch impregnated with topical azithromycin, to apply directly over the chest of people with viral chest colds. (“Studies proved Zpatch has equal efficacy as oral Zpak for people with your illness!”)
  • PlaZbo – Sugar pills packaged in old Zpak containers.
TSK: The verbal stylings of yet another Full Moon Shift patient (and spouse!)
  • 30-something male patient (who looks totally fine, by the way):So yesterday I started getting a cold...
  • Cranquis:What symptoms did you notice?
  • Patient:Um, well... you know how you feel when you're getting a cold? That's how I felt.
  • Cranquis:Ok, but specifically, did you get a cough, sore throat, runny nose, fever, what?
  • Patient's Wife (interjecting helpfully):Well, they were the usual cold symptoms. You know.
  • Cranquis:SUCH. AS.?
  • Patient:Like... hmm... like, the ones they show on the cold medicine commercials. Those.