stupid-human

What we really need is an adaptation of the original 1740 The Beauty and the Beast

So were you aware that the The Beauty and the Beast story we all know is a heavily abridged and rewritten version of a much longer novella by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve?  And that a lot of the plot holes existing in the current versions exist because the 1756 rewrite cut out the second half of the novella, which consisted entirely of the elaborate backstory that explains all the weird shit that happened before?  And that the elaborate backstory is presented in a way that’s kind of boring because the novel had only just been invented in 1740 and no one knew how they worked yet, but contains a bazillion awesome ideas that beg for a modern retelling?  And that you are probably not aware that the modern world needs this story like air but the modern world absolutely needs this story like air?  Allow me to explain:

The totally awesome elaborate backstory that explains Beauty and the Beast

  • Once upon a time there was a king, a queen, and their only son
  • But while the prince was still in his infancy, in a neat reversal of how these fairy tales usually go, the king tragically died, leaving his wife to act as Regent until their son reaches maturity
  • Unfortunately, the rulers of all the lands surrounding them go, “Hmm, the kingdom is ruled by a woman now, it must be weak, time for an invasion!”
  • And the Queen goes, “Well, if I let some general fight all these battles for me, he’ll totally amass enough fame and power to make a bid for the throne; if I want to protect my son’s crown, I have no choice but to take up arms and lead the troops myself!
  • (Btw, I want to stress that this woman is not Eowyn or Boudica and nothing in the way her story is presented suggests that she had any interest martial exploits before or in any way came to enjoy them during these battles.  This is a perfectly ordinary court lady who would much rather be embroidering altar covers for the royal chapel and playing with her child until necessity made her go, “Oh no, this sucks, I guess I have to become a Warrior Queen now” and she just happened to kick ass at it anyway.)
  • And the Queen totally kicked ass, but the whole “twice as good for half the credit” thing meant that no matter how many battles she won, potential enemies refused to take her and her army seriously until she had defeated them so no sooner would she fend off one invasion than another one would pop up on a different border.
  • So she spent the majority of her young son’s life away from the castle leading armies, but it was OK because she left him in the care of her two best friends, who just happen to be fairies!  This was an awesome idea because a) fairies have magic, and therefore are like the best people to protect the prince from any threats and b) fairies consider themselves to be so above humanity that the lowest fairy outranks the highest mortal, so they’d have no interest in taking a human throne.  Good thing they were both good fairies instead of one good and one evil one!
  • (Spoiler:  they were not both good fairies.)
  • So the two fairies basically take turns raising the prince until he’s old enough to rule.  And on the eve of his twenty-first birthday, the evil older one comes into the prince’s bedroom.
  • “So listen, kid.  You’re about to become king, your mother’s on her way home from the war to see you crowned, and I have a third piece of good news for you!  You see, I’ve actually been spending so much time here lately because Fairyland’s become a bit too hot to hold me for reasons totally not related to me being secretly evil.  And if I have to hang in the human world, I might as well reside in the upper echelons of it, so even though as a powerful fairy I completely eclipse your puny human status in a staggeringly unimaginable way, since you’re about to be king and since my premonition that I should stick this whole guardianship thing out because you would be hot one day has totally proved accurate (go me), I will graciously lower myself to allowing you to marry me.  Please feel free to grovel at my feet in gratitude.  (Btw, we can totally start the wedding night now, we’ll tell your mother about it when she arrives tomorrow.)”

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Isn’t it lame that we measure animals intelligence by how close they come to human intelligence and human functionality?  

They arent humans, they don’t think, communicate, and socialize the same way we do. 

If we measured human intelligence on how well we can cope in an animal dominated setting we would be considered pretty primitive. “Stupid humans cant even track a deer! They cant dig a den or find which mushrooms are edible. That moose is angry and the human cant even tell!”

Humans in SPACE!

In my science class, we were talking about how a moon is necessary for life. See, the moon helps stabilize our poles; it spends half of it’s orbit on the south side of the planet on the north, and the gravitational pull keeps our poles in the same place. Without the moon, where our poles were on the planet would swing as much as 40°. A temperate area could go to being a polar zone in a few days. Animals can’t live through that, so you’d basically have a world with some really hardy plants and not much else. No species is even dumb enough to try to colonize.

Until humans.

They go, see this beautiful planet full of beautiful plants (and very few bugs), and they decide it’s going to be their vacation spot. They colonize, build up the planet with roadways, ports, telepads. They set out expedition crews so their visitors can see beautiful, unique waterfalls and massive trees that can’t be killed, and meanwhile the other space species are freaking out, because that planet has a month left before it swaps and the lovely resort town you built is going to be encased in 30 feet of ice. And the humans just wave it off, keep building the tram system to give them an overhead view of the forest, keep felling trees for planned expansions.

And it shifts. And the aliens figure, “we really should rescue the stupid humans.” But they get there, and the humans don’t need to be rescued. Because the sky tram is now a ski lift, and the pool is a freaking ice rink, and the people just keep coming.

Now, the whatever-intergalactic-species are stunned. But the humans are just like, “Oh, our planet’s tilted. We have changes like this all the time. You should visit Minnesota, or Idaho.”

The aliens don’t really send rescue parties anymore, but, if anything, the event just made them more worried about humanity.

because stupid humans. 

Human: tsk… of all the stupid things this idiot could do… look, they picked up a blue ringed octopus! 

Human 2: is it dangerous? 

Human: it’s australian, golden with bright blue circles. of course it’s deadly. 

Human 2: oh dear, how can one be so stupid to pick up random animals in australia??? 

Alien: what’s with australia? 

Human: well, everyone knows that australian animals are ten times more deadly than everywhere else. you don’t go picking up animals in australia, unless it’s a quokka. pretty much everything else is venomous, highly aggressive, or brings diseases. a combination of the three is possible.

Human 2: I remember that they had to censor an episode of a children tv show because it taught not to be afraid of spiders… in australia you MUST be afraid of spiders. 

Alien: so… let me get this straight. you come from what we define as a Death World, and yet on your death world there is a place even more dangerous??

Human: well… yes.

Humans are storytellers

(Sorry if this has been done before)
What if humans aren’t the burly space orcs, we are essentially these useless little squishy things that kind of follow the aliens around. The aliens don’t really mind, the humans aren’t stupid and can be useful around the ship so why not? One night planet side they start a bonfire, and the human suggests they tell ghost stories. The aliens go one by one and their stories typically go something like “Xirnith was walking to his abode when he was attacked by a bandit, Xirnith couldn’t defend himself and perished”. All the aliens stories are extremely basic, and just generally shitty. Then it is the humans turn, they weave an epic story that is 20 minutes long. It could be the tell tale heart, or the plot to the ring. The aliens crew mates had never heard such vivid storytelling! They are all scared out of their minds, and later that night the 1.5 ton Rhygorn is too scared to sleep alone and stays in the human’s room. Think about it, storytelling is uniquely human amongst all species on Earth. Other alien species might have the capacity for storytelling but it might not be a core part of their identity like with humans.


Thank you to whoever submitted this, it seems to be coming up as anonymous so I cannot give you credit at this moment!

anonymous asked:

What is Motorcity?

Motorcity is a cartoon that was running on Disney XD for a while, before Disney mis-managed the crap out of it, then cancelled it and sat on the rights and didn’t do anything with them, like a bunch of jerks.  It’s available on iTunes, and it’s also on kimcartoon (altho there’s an audio error in those. I’m thinking about uploading my corrected copies somewhere so people can get them?? stay tuned)

ANYWAY.  In the Far Future, a guy called Abraham Kane (AKA Mark Hamill AKA Luke Skywalker AKA The Joker) decided he didn’t like Detroit and he wanted a new city there instead.  So he built his new city over top of Detroit, called it Detroit Deluxe.  Deluxe is run by Kane Co. which is run by Abraham Kane.  

(((^^^ The difference between a villain and a supervillain??? PRESENTATION.)))

So now that the whole stupid “human rights” thing is out of the way upstairs, his only remaining problem is the people who would rather live under the city, in old Detroit AKA “Motorcity”.  Kane’s like “well, time to destroy this dump and build More Deluxe! :)” and Motorcity is like “hey fuck u we literally live here” and Kane’s like “I don’t know I can’t read all of a sudden”.

Our main characters have chosen to combat his drones, nano-viruses and private army with COLORFUL AND ECLECTIC CARS.   Our main is an ex-commander from the aforementioned private army, his name is Mike Chilton and I love him.  He’s good at basically everything, and you would think that would make him obnoxious but actually he’s a reckless, adorable puppy-dog mom friend who likes helping and driving too fast and diving off buildings and believing in people.  He’s also canonically mixed-race, so that’s kinda neat.  

He’s a Good Boy.

(And yes, the people who did the character design were also involved in Gorillaz, personally I like the aesthetic of Motorcity way better but they are similar in a lot of places)

Cons: 

  • it got cancelled, so  there are only 12 episodes.  And it does take an episode or two for it to get its feet under it.  
  • YMMV, but I would say the first episode I really really liked was episode 5. (And not just b/c the Duke of Detroit is a fukkin gift, holy crap)
  • not enough ladies, and also they fall back on that thing that’s like “nerdy guy likes the Cute Girl, doesn’t take a hint” and it’s really annoying tbh.  Both characters involved deserved better.
  • Rule of Cool.  This show makes 0 sense sometimes, you gotta lean into that to enjoy it tbh.  It is a silly, silly show (until the finale, then it fukkin destroys me every time)

Pros:

  • Gorgeous, colorful backgrounds and character designs, super-unique style, #aesthetic for days.
  • a really fun, varied cast.
    • VILLAINS, the villains are so good.  Mark Hamill’s villain voice-acting is second to none.  A bizarrely flamboyant rock-star mob boss played by the lead singer of Twisted Sister, who is the embodiment of Chaotic Evil.  A disillusioned eco-terrorist with fascinating bio-weapons and a ruthless/single-minded obsession with doing the same thing to Deluxe that Kane wants to do to Motorcity.  
  • If you don’t mind some silliness/Rule of Cool, the episode plots are fun and I enjoy them. :)
  • Mike’s best friend is really anxious and scared of a lot of stuff and they’re adorably comfortable with each other and they have special nicknames for each other I’m sorry I have a lot of feelings about these nerds.  (can u tell what splickedy’s ship is lol)
  • There’s a lot of room for character interpretation and backstory and stuff, and a lot of implied worldbuilding that’s super fun to build on.
  • the creators are/were really cool with fandom, altho they’re busy with other shows now.  (the head writer retweeted one of my videos!! :D :D :D  I’m still super jazzed)
  • in conclusion it’s cute I love it and I love the characters.

I’ve got a contribution to make to the “humans are space orbs” tag:

Humans are widely considered to have uncanny survival instincts. They can explore a planet that killed the last several explorer parties, and call it a lovely outing.

Humans privately think that the rest of the intelligent races are ‘Too Dumb To Live.’

None of previous doomed expeditions thought to communicate where they were going before they left, in case there was an emergency. None of them thought to keep radio contact with their ship, or even bring basic safety equipment. They’re so used to being safe, that they have no concept of being prepared “just in case.”

Humans consider things like “don’t eat that strange mushroom until you know it’s not poisonous,” or “don’t drink that dirty pond water” to be common sense. We’re amused (but mostly disturbed) when we’re praised for having “ultimate survival instincts” when by earth standards, it’s mostly taking simple precautions and recognizing when an action is stupid and reckless.

The Chicken-Witch or Satan's Cock

This really isn’t a terribly interesting story, but it is something for the annals of human stupidity. I can’t remember the exact details, and I really don’t care to do an exhaustive search the Internet, but I’ll sketch it out for you as I recall having read about it some years ago.

In 1474, in Switzerland, a hen that was thought to be a cock, laid an egg. Nowadays this wouldn’t even cause concern, as it is known that certain female chickens exhibit masculine traits and even grow coxcombs. But in those days, if it looked like a cock, it was a cock, and when this intersexed chicken laid a yolkless egg, it was seen as a sign that some witch in the village was attempting to create a basilisk. A basilisk is supposedly made with a yolkless egg from a male chicken. This was of course the Devil’s work, and so the chicken was put on trial for witchcraft and the heinous crime of laying an egg.

The chicken’s attorney argued that while this may have in fact been a demonic act, it was involuntary and the chicken could no more help laying the accursed egg than any possessed person could help their actions while under the Devil’s sway.

The chicken was found guilty and burned at the stake.

The sad thing is they probably didn’t bother to baste him. Probably didn’t even eat him. What a waste.

arcreactorsanddragons  asked:

I know you've drawn Harry with scars on his face, but they don't particularly look like the lightning scar, so where do you think he got them? In the battle of Hogwarts? Or as job as an auror? Actually, do you headcanon that his scars mainly come from being an auror or the battle?

It happened in a mission after James Sirius was born.

When Harry came home, he was bleeding in his cheek. It was a very opened cut and Ginny helped him without asking questions. She knew Harry wasn’t into talking about a mission when he just got home, so they were just there in the couch silently cleaning and healing that mess.

“Thank you for not asking what happened.”
She was quiet.
“Because it was really… really stupid” he said.
“I doubt it was.”
“I fell with my face against a rock in the forest. A very pointed and big one. It looked like a knife. I swear I heard a laughter coming from the bloke I was chasing after.”
“Oh honey. Yes, that was pretty stupid.” But she gave him a complacent smile.
“It’s a classified information for the Ministry.”
“I promise not to tell anyone.”
“Thank you for not laughing.”
“I really want to, though”

 I’m sorry, that scar didn’t happen for something brave… but actually a really stupid mistake. He’s human after all :)

Do Kyungsoo//The Singing Siren


Summary: You’re a mermaid with a longing to understand the pirates that roam your waters, and he’s a captive sent to your cove to find the treasure that lies in the heart of your island. You know where it is, but why would you tell him? ft. Johnny Seo
Scenario: mermaid!AU/pirate!AU
Word Count: 8, 736

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Humans are weird pt 4

With the humans aboard Commander Narrynite’s ship, there hadn’t been a dull moment. In fact, he quite enjoyed the bizarre behaviors and their often confusing characteristics. He was eager to see more of the human’s skills and requested a somewhat risky cargo pick up. The supplies were needed urgently and he was confident his unit could successfully transfer them.

While the crew initiated take off, Narrynite gave them a brief overview of the plan.

“We have been tasked to retrieve medical supplies from a port on the planet Alpho which are urgently needed for a disease ravaging Jythoa.”

As this assignment was for Commander Narrynite’s home planet, the humans felt a greater sense of responsibility. Without another word, the ship shot forward.

The trip to the port on Alpho was short and they docked without incident. Human Tom was speaking to the cargo attendant as he was the only crewmember that spoke Alphon.

“Human Tom, please tell the attendant that we are almost done loading the supplies and shall be departing within the hour.”

After relaying the message, Human Tom approached Narrynite with an uncharacteristic expression on his face. “Is there something amiss, Human Tom?”

“Commander, something about the attendant doesn’t sit right with me,” Human Tom responded as he ran his fingers through the fur on the top of his head.

Narrynite had heard that the human’s instincts were unparalleled and knew this could not be ignored. “Human Tom, tell the crew to load the cargo as quickly as they can. We need to depart immediately.”

With the unit informed, the supplies were placed on the ship somewhat haphazardly, but they took off within a matter of minutes.

Once they were off of Alpho, Narrynite eased and he instructed the crew to set a course to Jythoa. Around an hour later, Human Ann gasped. Knowing that behavior was generally not a positive one, Narrynite said “Human Ann, is there a problem?”

“Commander, the radar indicates that there is a ship following us. They seem a little close.”

Human Chris went over to the status panel. His face scrunched together in what Narrynite had determined to be concentration. “Sir,” Human Chris muttered, “I think we’re being followed.”

Before Narrynite could respond, the ship was hit and the Jythoans and humans were thrown around the cabin. The alarms were sounding and the panel indicated a cargo breach.

“What in the Gods good graces was that?” Narrynite sputtered.

With their unnerving speed, the humans were on their feet and checking the ships status. “Shit!” yelled Human Ann. If Narrynite knew anything, he knew when the humans began cursing, he should abandon all hope.

“Commander Narrynite, we’ve been boarded by a foreign ship. They appear to be pirates,” Human Ann sighed.

Though he was a military commander, he wasn’t trained to confront a force that was on a ship. As Human Chris was trying to notify the crew, a loud bang made them all freeze. This was all happening so fast, Narrynite was quickly losing confidence.

Another bang sent them all rushing to the back of the cabin. Narrynite took note of who was here with him. He was responsible for all of them, and he let them down. It dawned on him that not only these humans and Jythoans were doomed, but also those afflicted with the disease on Jythoa as they were never to receive the lifesaving medication.

The four pirates broke into the cockpit and Narrynite lost the sliver of hope he was clinging to. He had heard of this species, they were notoriously ruthless. They were known as the Mlith. Slender, oily gray skinned, and bipedal like the humans, they had one optical opening which was small and cloudy. Their ruthlessness was usually attributed to their poor vision, as they shot at anything that moved before it could attack.

“Where is the commander?” it said with a chilling hiss.

As Narrynite began to step forward, Human Chris stepped out in front of him.

“If you want the commander, you’re going to have to go through me,” Human Chris growled at the Mlith.

“You stupid, filthy human. Give me the commander, or I’ll shoot you and take him anyway,” the leader of the Mlith said as it raised a gun and pointed it at Human Chris.


Narrynite was horrified. He had become rather fond of the humans and the thought of losing one of them was unbearable. “Please, I am-”


“I said,” Human Chris snarled “if you want the commander, you’ll have to go through me first.”


“I didn’t come here to kill you, but it makes no difference,” it spit.


“Do it,” Human Chris said flatly.


“NO! Please, just take me and -”


“Shoot me!” Human Chris yelled.


It was if time slowed as the Mlith pulled the trigger and a bullet struck Human Chris in the shoulder. Before he could hit the ground, Human Ann had launched herself onto the back of the nearest Mlith and stabbed it in the head, using her weight to slam it down and rip its upper limb off. Human Tom had seemingly came out of nowhere and swept a Mlith off its feet and as it’s body hit the floor, he drew a gun from his hip and swiftly shot it in the head.


The two remaining Mlith were dazed, but regained their composure quickly. The one facing Human Ann brought its gun up and shot her in the leg. Human Ann raised her face with a terrifying “smile” that Narrynite knew wasn’t friendly. She then picked the Mlith limb up off the floor and swung it so hard that when it connected with the head of the Mlith it gave a sickening crunch.


Human Tom’s gun had somehow been knocked from his hand, and as he frantically tried to grab his knife, the Mlith was using the advantage to corner him. A shot rang out and with a start, Narrynite realized that it had come from Human Chris. He was leaning on one shoulder, a gun in hand. The Mlith hit the floor and Human Tom gave a deep sigh.


“Holy shit, I was nervous for a second there,” Human Tom said wiping gray sludge from his shirt.


“Chris, are you okay?” Human Ann asked.


“I’ve been worse. Are you hit?”


Human Ann “smiled” again and stuck her finger in the bullet hole “good thing it shot my prosthetic. It would really suck to have two bum legs.”


Complete and utter shock was the only feeling Narrynite was currently capable of. They were so casual in their conversation that it was hard to believe what just happened.


“Human Chris, you need to go to the infirmary immediately!” Narrynite said as reality began to set in.


“Yes, sir,” grunted Human Chris as he was helped to his feet.


“Wait,” called Narrynite, “Human Chris, why did you mean to sacrifice yourself for me?”


“Because you’re the best commander I’ve ever had. And you’re bringing medicine you the sick. I couldn’t just stand by and watch you get killed for trying to help people. We sacrifice ourselves for the greater good, it’s what we do.”


The words of Human Chris washed over Narrynite and when they settled in his arterial sac, he felt something he’d never heard of before. It was similar to gratitude and fondness, but it was something deeper. “I will do anything and everything to ensure you do not perish, Human Chris.”


“Don’t worry, I think I’ll be fine. Bullet wounds to the shoulder are usually not fatal, but I appreciate it all the same.”


With that Human Chris was rushed to the infirmary. As Narrynite stood in the cockpit alone, he took in all that had just happened. Out of every species he’d ever come across, humans were by far the craziest, most unpredictable and most honorable species there ever was.