stupid onion quotes

ONION LOGIC: People who are fat choose to be fat because of what they eat.  If they just put that candy bar down instead of shoving it their face, they could be thin.  Likewise, people with anorexia could be healthy if they would just eat something and people with bulimia could be healthy if they just didn’t throw up.  Problem solved!

From the video “Honesty About Eating Disorders”

It would be great if we could just eat what we wanted when we wanted to, wouldn’t it?  It’d be great if we didn’t feel compelled to eat a bowl of ice cream after a rough day at work, or skip a meal because we felt like our jeans were too tight that morning.  It’s not that simple, though.  And that’s not even getting into the fact that some people are just at a genetic disadvantage when it comes to weight.  Why does Gerg feel the need to oversimplify things and make it seem as though his opinion is the one absolute truth?

ONION LOGIC: Women are so superior to men that they need men to keep them company, marry them, buy them things, and open doors for them.   Because they’re so superior.  Men do these things for women as a sign of submission and admittance to their inferiority.  It would be unthinkable for a woman to ever do these things for a man!

From the video “WOMEN & LOW SELF-ESTEEM”

So I’m not even going to touch the blatant heteronormativity here, and just say that I hold doors open for people (regardless of their gender) because it’s a nice thing to do.  I pick up tabs sometimes because it’s a nice thing to do.  I don’t see this as catering to somebody or a service to them, I just see it as being nice.

And this is the same video where he mentions that even ugly women can still get a man because they have a vagina.  He refers to women as life factories and implies that this is where their value comes from.  So women who are infertile, or women who choose not to reproduce are therefore worthless.  Way to go, Onion!

ONION LOGIC: Going to a strip club means that you’re going to be sexually aroused by the performers and think about having sex with them.  Nobody would ever go to a strip club for any other reason than to get themselves sexually frustrated with no available means of release.  Obviously, nobody who is in a relationship should go to a strip club because it would cause them to be unfaithful.

From the video “Strip Clubs”

Okay, first of all, a guy bouncing his balls is pretty much the least arousing thing I can think of.  And secondly, I have never once found myself aroused and thinking about having sex with a stripper while at a strip club.  That’s their job.  They dance, and they’ll do a trick or put their tits in your face if you give them a dollar.  If you give them more money they’ll give you a lap dance, but they aren’t there to have sex with you, and if that’s why you’re going then you may want to consider dating somebody, or seeking therapy.  I can kind of see where he’s going with this, but I honestly don’t think the type of guy who would go to a strip club himself would have a problem with his significant other going to one.

ONION LOGIC: My viewers contribute nothing to my success, so they don’t deserve to express their opinions unless they agree with me.  I have every right to censor my critics and ban them, because it’s my way or the highway.

From the video “My Rights, Your Wrongs”

And you’re the one griping about censorship and making videos screaming when a video gets flagged…  Double standard much?

ONION LOGIC: There are similarities between alimony and slavery because both are situations where you are contributing to something and getting nothing in return.

From the video “ALIMONY vs SLAVERY”

Fun fact: in a divorce case, alimony (husband pays wife) OR palimony (wife pays husband) can be awarded to a party if the division of assets is uneven.  Alimony and/or palimony can usually be avoided if all assets are liquidated and proceeds are split equally, but if one party keeps the home, car, intellectual property, and/or other valuable assets, it is likely that they will have to pay the other party alimony.  It is nothing like slavery.  Also, there was a thing called the emancipation proclamation in 1863 and the thirteenth amendment in 1865.

ONION LOGIC: I’m going to brag about being in the military so that people will think I’m brave and honorable, when really I hate the military and I am totally against it.

From the video “Pro Peace = Anti-American”

This one goes out to all of the people who claim that Onision must support our military because he was enlisted at one time.  He doesn’t, and frankly, he joined under false pretenses if he’s a conscientious objector.  By the way Gerg, that’s the word you were looking for, not conscious.  There’s another syllable in there.

ONION LOGIC: You can wear whatever you want, but I’m going to look at you if you’ve got your boobs hanging out because part of my culture is that we don’t see boobs all the time.

From the video “"Sexy” Clothing"

First of all, I don’t know about you but as a female that enjoys both genders, I certainly don’t think it’s an eyesore when I see some cleavage.  But the bigger thing about this is that when people complain about being ogled, it’s not because a person glances over one time.  There’s a lot more to it than just a person glancing over once in awhile.  People are leering for extended periods of time, coming onto them when they aren’t interested, calling them a slut, etc…  But you wouldn’t know that because you love to take an issue and make it as simple and black and white as possible so you can feel good about “fixing” it.  I mean, come on, didn’t your mother ever tell you it’s rude to stare?  I should be able to wear a low cut top out in public and not have people staring me up and down all day.  It’s just common courtesy.

ONION LOGIC:  Everybody who drinks, smokes, or does drugs does it because they’re self-medicating.  It’s obvious that the only reason they pick up that bottle or flick that lighter is to escape from their problems, which they are too stupid to handle in a constructive way like mocking infantile abuse, rape, gender identity, national tragedies and other sensitive topics on camera and calling it comedy.

From the video “Potheads, Drunks, & Smokers”

No, Gergles, most people use these things to relax and have fun.  That’s not to say that some people do use irresponsibly to cope with stress and other issues in their lives, but there are a good number of people who don’t.  The vast majority of people use these things just to have a good time, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re being responsible about it.