stupid man who is just a spy

if your first instinct when writing multilingual tailor hercules mulligan, co-founder of the new york manumission society – the spy who lived for years in an occupied city while smuggling reports to washington, who evaded people on both sides who suspected he was a traitor, who talked his way out of jail, and who, in hamilton, is played by a large black man – is to make him stupid, callous and violent

maybe, idk, think about why you’re doing that

arrowbound

He’d heard little rumors here and there throughout the army about the archer with a … shared situation to his own, but then again Luca wasn’t really all for taking rumors to heart. Besides, who uses rumors to judge a person’s character? That’s just plain cruel, given the nature of living beings.

Just look at himself, for example, a proud and true blooded Nohrian with a Hoshidan class solely due to familial ties, he knew his fair share of rumors. A spy, a traitor, he’s heard everything. But being asked about? Now that got his attention.

So, when a flash of white hair caught his attention, he couldn’t even help but walk over and strike up friendly conversation. After all, he wasn’t stupid. No use threatening the man oh so many feared.

You’re Zero, right? Some little birdies say you’ve been checking in on little ol’ me.

It wasn’t a stupid idea, looking in on the pasts of potential allies in life or death situations. After all, why put your life and maybe even trust in someone you know little to nothing about? And with the both of them being archers, their paths were bound to cross at least once.

What would you like to know? You probably know a great deal, but I figured I would offer my help. No one knows me better than me, after all. 

The Tumblr Crusades (Chapter 1)

The planet of Tumblr was a large one. It was comprised of five continents. The tropical, phallus-shaped one to the south was called Eros, and inhabited strictly by sex blogs. Kuisyne was to the east, and dominated by food blogs - oddly enough, the most peaceful continent of the five. Fandom Tumblr - linked to Kuisyne by a narrow peninsula - was to the South, and although the place was perpetually burning between the warring SuperWhoLock faction and everyone else, it was generally left alone. The remaining continents were Pastel - an odd island to the far north inhabited by Hipsters and outcasts who worshiped a religion known as “Soft Grunge”, and Politik, the largest of the five that sat on the equator of Planet Tumblr. 

The continent was divided. The ruling class of Tumblr Fems, their cuckolded White Knights, and their rabid, senseless Social Justice Warriors inhabited the West, naming their country “Demiglitter-Unisexual-Monoqueer-Bunself-Agender-Sapiosexual-Faeself-Unicorny-Candyqueer-Kalossexuality.”

Everyone else just took the letters and called them “Dumb As Fuck”

To the east was the real of Noot, inhabited by the sane, rational people on Tumblr. Scientific Tumblr was the country of Nye to the north, Video Game Tumblr was the country on the eastern Coastline, called Videjeux, Anime Tumblr was a moderately sized island off the coast of the eastern shore called Emina, and Egalitarian Tumblr - named in honor of the long vanished, patron deity Oratorasaurus, was simply called Ora.

In this region, the skyline was bright with the scientific advances of the community and social acceptance of diversity, on the fine summer day.

But not too hot because yo my nigga Lord Pingu came here and it was hot as fuck like what the fuck son, the sun out here metlin’ niggas mailboxes and ceiling fans and shit got me fucked up I been tryna fuck some hoes last night but I stepped outside and my new Lacoste shoes melted to the sidewalk and shit fuck I look like walkin’ in a broad house my shoes meltin’ to the floor and shit my nigga Pingu wasn’t with that shit bruh he straight lowered the temperature by twenty degrees when he got here straight turned on the A/C in dis bitch now we can walk around naked if we want it feel good as a motherfucka in dis bitch SHOUT OUT MY NIGGA PINGU AND HIS NOOT NOOT COOLIN’ IT DOWN OUT HERE AND SHIT nigga dis ain’t the damn Sahara desert I’m tryna go outside and not sweat my nuts ya feel me? But…

Tucked away on the hilly outskirts was the sacred pyramid of Pingu, Lord of the Noot-Noot and protector of the land. 

And as usual, his faithful Prophet Fatima was dealing with the masses.

Sort of.

“Okay,” Bootyghost said, holding an agenda as a satisfied zealot left the antechamber. “That’s almost all for the day, just one faithful man left.”

Seated in a throne, little Fatima bowed to the next guest, as her scribe Reggie recorded the events in the Loop-Zoop: the holy book of the religion of Noot-Noot.

“And how may I help yo-”

Fatima stopped, clutching her Hijab worriedly. In front her was Cosmic, her greatest spy who was - always it seemed - drinking a comsopolitan (alcohol was a frequent drink of the Egalitarians to take their minds off of the unholy amounts of stupid going on in the West)

“Cosmi! What’s wrong,” Fatima began as BootyGhost gave Cosmic a hug. 

“I… I… *gulp* I… damn that’s good… um, I have news, Flo!”

Comsic kneeled before the prophet of Noot, pulling out a tablet.

“We’re recording live espionage on the TumblrFems in the east, listen,” she said worriedly, “we had our deep cover agent Polar infiltrate their capital while wearing a spy camera!”

She connected the device to her tablet, and the four moved in to watch.

“How did this person get in?”

“Oh, Kyle’s gay as fuck,” Reggie said. “So the locals in the west just labeled him "queer” and let him in.“

* * *

Far away in the East Fatima shrugged as the video began, and she was treated to the PoV feed of deep-agent Polar walking past some morbidly obese, hairy, WoC guards. As the four recoiled in disgust so far away, Kyle did the same, the "What the Hell” look on his face glaringly obvious.

“Don’t fat shame me your fucking turd!”

“Oh my fucking god, check your male, thin, white privilege you little motherfu-”

There was an annoyed sigh and the most epic eye-roll of all time as Kyle stepped through the door and out of earshot of the guards. “And there goes any possible trace of heterosexuality left in me,” he said over the camera he walked into the anti chamber. The room was shaped vaguely like a courtroom. Seated above the crowd, which was full of people introducing themselves to each other whilst using absurd pronouns (bunself, faeself, xir, zie… da fuq?), were three figures. One was the TumblrFems most influential White Knight, The Frogman, who was naked from the waste up and every so often whipping himself with a crop. To the far left was a figure known only as the “Misandry Mermaid”, stuffing herself full of junk food while reclining in her ridiculous fish-tailed outfit. Presiding above them and everyone else was a figure that Intel had identified as the most unholy, atrocious, idiotic, ethically-deprived individual known as Chanty.

Great, the wicked bitch appears, Kyle thought, taking a seat in the back behind a couple of loathsomely giggling SJWs poring over a Yaoi magazine they’d snuggled in.

Chanty slammed her gavel and the room fell silent.

“Women,” she began, “or should I say, womyn…”

The room erupted in cheers as the female SJWs and TumblrFems exploded, the cacophony of their clapping reminding Kyle to drink extra that night.

“And,” Chanty continued, after the hubbub subsided… “men…”

“WE’RE SORRY,” the men in the room suddenly exclaimed, as each and every one of them hit themselves with a crop. If they were empty-handed, the closest women merely beat them instead.

You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, Kyle thought as he observed an empty-handed man two rows ahead getting slapped and punched for not carrying his whip.

“The first order of business,” Chanty began in her arrogant tone, “is the destruction of Noot,” she said as the room filled with boos and hisses. “They reject Feminism, and they claim, if you can believe it, that… they don’t need it.”

The room was filled with shocked gasps and angry responses, as the SJWs seethed over the declaration.

“Now as we know - they’ve all united under some scientific bullshit instead of our Gender Studies, and some fucking penguin instead of Lady Dworkin,” she continued. “We need volunteers for the mission-”

“TAKE US,” several of the men ejaculated loudly, suddenly standing.

“Oh you all were going anyway,” Chanty said, taking a sip of period blood from a glass. “You’re all disposable anyway, and by doing this, you can actually make a decent apology to us for being cis-het males,” she said, as if it pained her to say it. 

She took another sip of the tepid fluid in front of her, and continued. “Our champion, The Frogman, shall lead you mens into glorious battle, where you can fight, and die for us, as all good Feminist men should!”

The room erupted in cheers as the TumblrFems and SJWs screamed in support of Chanty’s proclamation, excitement filling the room as the womyn cheered for their emasculated, blindly faithful servants.

“All in favor?”

Every hand in the room shot up as the SJWs happily agreed.

“Majority rules,” Misandry-Mermaid said. “The operation to teach those misogynist infidels why they need Feminism begins TONIGHT!”

A blaring din erupted in the room as the Transtrenders and TumblrFems and SJW’s rose up in applause. Discreetly, Kyle edged his way out from between the rows of frantic idiots and subtly exited the courtroom. He turned a corner, walked down the corridor, and upon finding nobody, spoke into his mic.

“Did you just see what the fuck I had to sit through!?”

* * *

In the temple of Noot-Noot, BootyGhost, Flo, Reggie, and Cosmic were horrified. 

“Those poops are coming here," BootyGhost said. "What the Hell do we do?”

“Dude, we have freakin’ Science Tumblr on our side let’s just kill them with super secret future weapons-”

“No,” Flo said, cutting Reggie off. “Our Noot-Noot is peaceful,” she said. “I won’t stoop to violence.” She then stood and looked to each of them. “Cosmic, return home to extract Kyle - he’s probably been through Hell. "Reggie, prepare our weapons and transport,” she said with a sigh, “we actually may have to get over there. Booty… prepare my chamber,” Flo said. “I must consort with Lord Pingu, may his Noot-Noot guide the Noot of us all.”

My Boyfriend the Spy

*SMOTHERS YOU ALL WITH LOVE FOR BEING PERFECTION* Hi! May I have NotMI6!Q catching Bond kissing a mark & him abandoning the mission to run after Q & confessing everything with people screaming in his earpiece? Preferably with a happy ending (because Q is smart and can tell that Bond is not lying & it would make Bond’s actions make sense). Would love it even more if Bond wants to run away and keep Q safe and happy at Q’s dream vacation spot – inalandofmythanditstimeywimey

***

[hugs tight after being smothered] Hello love, thanks for the prompt! This one was way fun to write! 

Also, this is my 200th fic! I have now written 200 different fanfictions!

Enjoy! And don’t forget to check out the 600 Follower Fanfic Giveaway!

~Erin

***

Q knew he lived a relatively average life. He worked as an IT specialist for a Fortune 500 company (it was amazing how many of those business savvy people could not operate a simple projector), lived in a relatively nice flat with his boyfriend, who managed international stocks. He had a cat named Boothroyd, he always brought his lunch with him to work, and he always walked to work the same route while he drank a mug of Earl Grey.

It was a good life, an uneventful life.

Until the evening Q saw his boyfriend kissing a woman in a five star restaurant.

The restaurant was on Q’s route home from work, with a large bay window which revealed the opulent interior to any passerby on the street. Q had, on several occasions, admired the lavish dining establishment. But he wasn’t looking at the restaurant.

He was looking at his boyfriend, who was supposed to be out of town on business, kissing a blonde woman in a backless dress. If ever there was a moment to have the proverbial rug pulled out from under him, Q would have said that moment changed everything. It was like he could feel his heart aching in his chest. How long had this been going on? Were any of James’s business trips legitimate? Had James ever been serious about Q?

Q felt like he was about to be sick. And the feeling didn’t get any better when James finally broke off his kiss with the mystery woman, and their eyes met.

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