stuff-mitt-romney-might-say

Since Donald Trump blew it today...

I thought for sure Donald Trump was gonna bring more to that press conference than just his hair and a bad idea.  Well, since The Donald blew it and didn’t turn the tides in this election, I’m gonna do it myself.

By now everyone knows about my 5 point plan for America.  So today, I want to spend a minute letting everyone know about my 5 point plan for the gays.  There are upwards of 5% of Americans beholden to President Obama because he gave them rights, treated them with respect, and let them be open and honest in the military.  These people will always vote for Obama solely for this reason.  When you add this 5% to the other 47% of entitled Americans on Obama’s side, I will surely lose this election.  Thus, since I need the gays on my side, here is my 5 point plan to lure the gays to Team Romney.

Mitt Romney’s 5 Point Plan for the Gays:

(1)  Convert to Mormonism, so that

(2) you can move to Utah where

(3) you can marry as many men or women as you want (please note, you must marry members of the opposite sex).  

(4 - For Men only) Men, you can get so much p*ssy from your multiple wives that you will wonder why you were ever gay.  (P.S. You’re welcome for the cure).  Now that you’re a straight man, come on back over to Team Romney.

(5 - For Women only) Women, lesbianism is hot so you can stick with that, but with my 5 point plan you will now have a husband who can provide for you.  The Republican Party and I sure know you can’t provide for yourself because you aren’t deserving of equal wages. Or respect, you certainly aren’t worthy of respect.  But hey, money is where it’s at, so now that you are financially provided for you can come on back to Team Romney.

So there it is gays, my 5 point plan for your future.  Let’s all join hands and sing “Kumbaya, Mitt Romney, Kumbaya”

Mitt Romney on Bullying, Part 2:

My days of bullying did not end in my youth.  Rather, they continue to this day.  However, instead of carrying out the dirty work myself, I solicit the help of others.  One such surrogate of mine is the Mormon church. I pay the Mormons millions of dollars, and they then use part of this money for bullying purposes including the bullying of gays and lesbians who the Mormons treat as unworthy and despicable human beings who should not be allowed to marry a member of the same sex at any cost.  But for those closet gay men with a wife and kids who want to marry a second wife?  Not a problem at all.

Mitt Romney on Faith

It requires faith to believe in God because God cannot be seen in physical, human form.

It requires faith to believe in me, Mitt Romney, because nobody knows what I stand for.

I’m standing here today, my fellow Americans, asking for you to place your faith in me as your next leader of the United States.  Nobody knows what I’ll do once in office, but hey, that’s why they call it faith.

Mitt Romney on Bullying, Part 1:

Back in my youth, I was known for what some people would call “bullying.”  I, on the other hand, preferred to call it an intervention.  For instance, take that chap whose hair I cut.  That kid was in for a rough life if it weren't for us.  My friends and I took this said “victim” aside and helped change his future by giving him a much need trim.

Mitt Romney on Romnesia

After being poked and prodded by doctors all weekend, the prognosis is not good:  My Romnesia has progressed beyond repair.  It’s so bad I can’t remember if my hidden bank account is in the Caymans or Switzerland - or both.  It’s so bad I can’t remember how much money I made and how many lives I ruined with my leveraged buyouts.  My Romnesia is so bad I can’t remember if I’m voting for or against Obama this election.  The only good news of the entire weekend is that Romnesia is thankfully covered under Obamacare.

Mitt Romney on the Poor, Part 4

I would like to retract that last statement regarding the poor as I just remembered that as President I would do away with the Americans with Disabilities Act because it is obviously wasteful government spending designed only as a handout for those too tired to walk with their own legs.

Mitt Romney on "Murriages"

Corporations are people my friend.  As people, two individual corporations can merge (“murriage”) to create a new entity.  There are, however, limitations to murriages.  Only masculine companies can merge with feminine companies. For instance, a construction company can merge with a nail salon.  However, allowing two masculine companies or two feminine companies to murriage would be downright immoral and would lessen murriages for all other companies.  I am Mitt Romney, and I approve of only heterosexual murriages.

Mitt Romney on Corporations

Corporations are people, my friend.  Why?  Because they make money, and money is obviously the defining characteristic of a person in my book.  It’s why Republicans having been passing voter suppression laws like crazy - to keep the youth and minorities from voting - because these groups obviously have no money and thus are not considered people.  So join me, my fellow Richpublicans, as we usher in this new era called Democracy for Dollars.