stuff i do with my husband

Him : Listen, there’s an award function tonight and I’ll be getting a young entrepreneur thing, so we’ll have to go. Wear something nice.

Me : Okay. 

Him : Also, please don’t get upset if I don’t say a lot of sugary stuff about you onstage. you know how bad i am with words, it would just sound forced and awkward if I try it ..onstage… you know?

Me *resisting urge to roll my eyes * : I do not require validation from your prissy co workers so, no. I will not get upset. i’m angry you even think that I will. 

Him : okay 

Me : okay. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~Later in the evening, husband wins award , finishes his speech and then just stares at me from the podium. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Him :  Earlier in the day, i told my wife that i wouldn’t be saying anything about her because it would seem awkward….. she’s a writer… she’s really good with words and I’m not… but …standing here and just looking at her …all i can think is, “ None of this matters. She’s the only one who does.” So, yeah…. Thank you, sweetheart because you’re the most important thing in my life. 

Me : ……………………

Okay okay but think about: Victor and Yuuri giggling through kisses, swaying to some music playing in the background and generally being loving husbands???

So my husband is taking a shit, and he has one of those moments. When you roll a natural 20 on perception, but there’s nothing to perceive. So instead, god burdens you with some kind of awful, terrible observation.

He stumbles out into the living room, pulling his pants up, and blurts:

Fezzik, Inigo, and Vizzini are Ed, Edd and Eddy.

And I just sit there in dawning horror like

??????????????????????????????????

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so, we’re running a star wars tabletop, and my husband (an npc) was recently kidnapped. The ransom was 25,000 credits (not a huge loss for my character) but as we made the exchange, the rest of my party kept trying to haggle for more stuff from the kidnapper (asking for his personal belongings as well as my husband) getting me and the dm a little frustrated-

me: (in character) Enough! I demand to have my husband brought to me immediately!
dm: (as kidnapper) Who do you think you are?!
me: (in character) I’m prepared to drop it to 24,000 credits!
dm: (as kidnapper) YEAH?! WELL, I’M PREPARED TO GIVE YOUR HUSBAND NINETEEN FINGERS!
me: …what?
party: That’s… you have ten…
dm: … oh, sh*t…. um… (as kidnapper) I’M GONNA… I’M GONNA… CUT YOUR HUSBAND’S… toes off… AND SEW ‘EM… onto his… hands.

Animal Crossing Starters:
  • “I figured you must be blackmailing that poor girl to have lunch with you.”
  • “I think it’s fair to say that I’m pretty sexy.”
  • “I don’t want to live in a world where I have to eat sugar free sugar cookies.”
  • “I remembered today was your birthday so I thought I’d say hi.”
  • “You have nothing to lose except your lonely loser status.”
  • “Shut it, you faker!”
  • “I sure am tired from all that relaxing I did today.”
  • “Then I can spend my entire allowance on comic books and video games and no one can stop me.”
  • “When you listen to pop music, you often hear them saying ‘shawty.’”
  • “[NAME] made fun of me because I say 'poot’ all the time.”
  • “I waited and waited because I really wanted to see you.”
  • “Tell papa/mama what’s up.”
  • “It hurts my face just looking at you.”
  • “Marry me.”
  • “I look forward to seeing what you’re gonna do with my butt.”
  • “A trash bin..? Is this a clue to your true identity?”
  • “I’m beautiful, but I’m also deadly.”
  • “I hope you go to jail.”
  • “What did you do to my body?”
  • “Stick to chocolate and comic books. You’re too young for love anyway.”
  • “I’m sorry.. please don’t be too mad at me.”
  • “I have a big favor to ask you.”
  • “Maybe I’ll just go home and lock myself in a closet.”
  • “I gotta admit, I really love that one show where all those people do the stuff and then something happens.”
  • “Here, touch my skin. It’s totally slimy right now.”
  • “I probably look in the mirror 24 times a day just to be sure I’m still so darned handsome/beautiful.”
  • “Guess what I’ve got in my pockets right now.”
  • “Better not catch you making goo-goo eyes at my wife/husband.”
  • “No one understands me. I’m hungry all the time and no one cares.”
  • “Are you suggesting my style is outdated?”
  • “Don’t play with stink bugs, especially when you’ve got a date coming up.”
  • “They don’t even care who wins. They just all flex their pecs.”
  • “Love means accepting that there will be times when you don’t get the last scallop.”
  • “Yeah exercise is totally hard and stuff. I think I’m gonna go take a nap and read a book or whatever.”
  • “Today was the day my best friend in the whole wide world was born.”
  • “Whoa you look so weird. And not weird in a hip way. More like 'weird’ as in 'makes me want to barf.’”
  • “End my suffering.”
  • “Not to sound corny but I really like you.”
  • “I wonder how I can say 'swaggy ’ in the most grown up way possible.”
  • “Just because two people are good friends doesn’t mean they’d make a good couple.”
  • “Sorry, I was staring at your face because I don’t know you. Not because there’s something wrong with your face.”
  • “Would it surprise you if I said I’m pretty proud of my legs?”
  • “The truth is never free.. but sometimes it’s on sale.”
  • “I hear the sound of rap coming from somewhere.”
  • “They tell you to sleep on a problem. But what if your problem is insomnia?”
  • “I’ll just observe your friends from the shadows.”
  • “I heard allergies are caused by the government.”
  • “Watch out, 'cause I’ll compliment you until you puke.”
  • “So D.I.Y. stands for 'do it yourself’? Well, if these guys think I’m going to do my own manual labor, they’ve got another acronym coming.”
  • “I can smell your confidence. Smells like soup.”
  • “I’m gay.”
  • “You’re my hero.”
  • “Please don’t call on me.”
  • “I think I dropped my house key somewhere. That was my favorite key… it opened my house.”
  • “Do you want to hear the brutal truth? That outfit is a hot mess.”
  • “Oh, I get it! You’re playing it cool. Trying your best not to cry.”
Make fun of my kid? I'll get you back somehow.

So I am not sure if this belongs in @prorevenge, sense it wasn’t planned on my part. It kind of just fell in my lap. Feels more than petty, so here I am.

For a bit of background: My next door neighbor is/was a college student. She lives with our actual neighbor, her boyfriend. Typical crazy college kid. Weekend parties, drinking on her patio all hours of the night, and weird hours. You know the drill. I figured she was trying to experience college life, so why not? You do you lady!

Anyways one summer night last year she was sitting out on her back patio with her girlfriends doing their drunk thing. I am out wrapping up on some stuff with my toddler daughter. She at the time had a medical thing going on that caused her to walk a little weird. Nothing life altering and something that would heal with time. She did have a weeble waddle to her, especially when running. Sometimes she would fall right over. She was out running around with the dog and the ladies next door were waving and telling her how cute she was. All good.

Keep reading

The Incredible Podium Family

Viktor: Honey!
Yuuri: What?
Viktor: Where are my super-skates?
Yuuri: What?
Viktor: Where? Are? My? Super? Skates?!
Yuuri: I, uh, put it away.
Viktor: Where?!
Yuuri: Why do you need to know?!
Viktor: I need it!
Yuuri: Uh uh! Don’t you even think of runnin’ off and doing no skating-do! We’ve been planning this dinner for two months!
Viktor: The show is in danger!
Yuuri: My EVENING’S in danger!
Viktor: YOU TELL ME WHERE MY SKATES ARE, KATSUKI! WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE GREATER GOOD!
Yuuri: GREATER GOOD?!? I AM YO’ HUSBAND!!! I’M THE GREATEST GOOD YOU ARE EVER GONNA GET!!!!!!

One Day

Summary: pastel!dan is a kindergarten teacher and is married to punk!youtuber!phil, who he hates and doesn’t get along with at all. They’re parents forced them to marry each other. Dan is unhappy but things finally take a turn.

Genre: AU, Fluff

Word Count: 2,792

A/N: I changed the prompt slightly because I can’t enough of pastel!dan.

Keep reading

immapassionfruit  asked:

Headcanon where the dads propose to dadsona 😫😫👌💓

((Good stuff, GOOD STUFF))

Joseph

-all of his kids are involved in some way, shape, or form
-he proposes on the yacht
-he proposes with some cheesy-ass, prom-invite style bullshit joke like “I would be berry happy if you would do me the honor of being my husband” and holding up a bag of mixed berry candies along with the ring
-he laughs and spins you around when you say yes. It’s all very cinematic

Robert

-he’s so awkward?? He’s like clearing his throat a million times and nervously wiping his hands on his jacket
-he proposes to you when you two are alone, and probably out at that spot he likes to go to whittle
-also he hand-makes the wooden box the ring is in
-and when you say yes he 100% cries

Craig

-proposes during his daughter’s softball game
-the entire team is in on it
-they all hold up signs spelling out  “Will you marry me?” and he’s down on one knee right on the pitcher’s mound
-they probably get a little mixed up so it says “You will marry me?” instead, and that just makes you laugh
-ALL of the people there cheer, even the salty softball moms

Damien

-it’s. so. Extra.
-plans out the ENTIRE day down to such detail that you probably KNOW something big is coming
-he proposes to you in the graveyard at dusk and it’s more romantic than you thought a graveyard could ever be
-Amanda is there, taking pictures from hidden behind a tree
-and Damien is trembling a little as he asks you
-then he smiles that cute, dorky smile of his and stands, pulling you dramatically into his arms and dipping you for a kiss
-he’s so damn extra there’s roses and wine and he just goes above and beyond

Brian

-probably proposes to you at the state fair, surrounded by all the rides and stuff
-Daisy and Amanda are both there and Daisy knew it was happening but Amanda did NOT
-Brian starts to tear up a little as he’s asking you and Amanda and you both start crying, too, honestly
-he’s all gruff and like “Now I know I’m not a fancy man and I like to keep life simple, but without you my life would feel empty and small. You opened up my world.”
-just very cheesy and cute and cliché

Mat

-honey oh honey you KNOW he sings his proposal
-like he’s onstage, performing at his own open mic night
-and then he slowly steps off the stage and as the song nears it’s end he gets down on one knee in front of you and pulls out the ring
-everyone is screaming around you. He’s smiling like an idiot and so are you and then you tackle him in a hug
-(Carmensita is the flower girl at the wedding)

Hugo

-probably proposes to you while the two of you are in the comfort of his home
-he’s laughing and you’re laughing, and you’re teasing him about something
-and then he just chuckles and says “Man, I want to marry you”
-“What”
-and he’s on one knee in the middle of the living room, pulling the ring out of his pocket
-and he repeats himself
-“[Your Name], I want to marry you.”

First off, it’s my husband’s birthday so here’s a gem to share with you all. I’ll have more “serious” pictures up at a later time.

Second, long time no see. I’ve been busy, training and stuff, so no time to dick around (at least not this kind…). But things are slowing down a bit so we can start making our way back here! Sousuke didn’t want to keep posting when I wasn’t around because he’s a huge sap. Which doesn’t make any sense given that he started this damn blog without telling me.

Anyway, we’ll be posting pictures and stories and answering your questions again! It’s nice to have some free time after being so busy.

Later!

-R

8

I was a queen, and you took away my crown; a wife, and you killed my husband; a mother, and you deprived me of my children. My blood alone remains: take it, but do not make me suffer long.

historical make me choose @liverpoolrules asked: marie antoinette or elisabeth of austria

BTS Reaction (Mafia!Au)

A/N: Hey everyone! So Gaisho’s reaction post did so well, I wanted to try my hand at a reaction too! Mine’s a little darker so I hope you like it just as much D: ~Yosei

Scenerio: You knew your husband was into some not-so-legal stuff (leader of the Mafia). But once you find out what really is going on, you can’t handle it and run away. Your husband finds out and comes to take you back.

Jin:

Originally posted by ats0shi

“Sir!” One of Jin’s men runs into his office, looking frantic. Jin looks up, an eyebrow raised waiting for him to continue. “Sir, it’s Y/N! She’s gone!” Jin stands up, a look of worry spreads across his face. “Bring the car around, we’re going to go find her.”

You were at the bus station with your luggage. It’s really late at night, so not many people are around. You had just recently found out that Jin wasn’t exactly who he said he was. Not being able to handle it, you packed your things and left. You see your bus coming down the street and you sigh with relief. But that was short lived when you felt a hand on your shoulder, turning you around. You’re met face to face with your handsome, mafia boss husband. He had look of worry and confusion mixed on his face. “Y/N, I was so worried!” He looks down at your bags and raises an eyebrow. “You weren’t planning on running away from me, were you?” He takes your bag from your hand and grabs your wrist, pulling you away from the bus stop. “Jagiya, I won’t hurt you I promise. Just please don’t leave me, I love you.”

Suga:

Originally posted by taekookie-bts

Suga sighs and takes out his gun, positioning it against the man’s temple. “I don’t want to have to ask you again. Where is my money?” The man swallows the lump in his throat, terrified of Suga. “I-I told you, I-I have n-no idea!” Suga cocks the gun, making the man jump. “I have a house and wife I would like to get back to, so quit wasting my time.” Just then he hears a banging near the door way and looks up at his men. “Sir, that was Y/N. She took off down the hall.”

All you could do is run. Run as fast as your legs can take you. You knew your husband was into some bad stuff, but you had no idea he was the leader of the Mafia! You need to get out of here, fast. You see the door at the end of the hallway as you run towards it. Once you reach it, you throw open the door to reveal… oh shit. “Going somewhere, my love?” Suga raises an eyebrow and takes a step forward, backing you into one of his men. “Jagiya, I can’t have you running away from me. I love you, don’t you know that? We’ll have to up your security, I need to make sure you’re…safe at all times.”

J-Hope:

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

“Where is she?! Where’s my wife?!” J-hope looks around the house, frantic. He came home hoping to spend some time with you, only to find out the man that’s supposed to be watching you was knocked out. “I-I don’t know, Sir. One minute she’s making dinner and the next, you’re waking me up.” J-hope’s temper rises, figuring out you were the one to knock the man unconscious. “Oh, she’s in for it when I find her.”

You were hiding out in a hotel not too far from your house. You were going through some of your husbands papers when you found some interesting information tying him to the Mafia. You couldn’t believe your sweet sunshine was the leader! Terrified, you had fled. You had planned to stay in the hotel until your brother came to pick you up the next morning. Just then you hear a knock at the door. Thinking it’s the room service you ordered, you make your way to the door and open it. You let out a shriek as you notice it was your husband. J-hope steps forward, backing you into the bed. “You really thought you could run from me, baby? Well, I’m not letting you go anywhere. You’re my wife and marriage is til death do us part.” He grabs both your wrists and pulls you into a very tight hug. “I’m taking you home. Let’s go.”

Rap Monster:

Originally posted by bangtannoonas

“God, I hate paperwork.” Rap Monster groans at his desk, slumped over a pile of paperwork. it’s very late and all he wanted to do was get back home to you. It’s been like this the past few days. Just then his door bursts open to reveal a very upset looking you. “Baby? What are you doing here?” You look down at his desk and notice the paper work he’s doing. Your eyes widen and you back up. “I-I knew it. You’re part of the Mafia.” You try to hide the tears as you turn and run.

Before Rap Monster could react, he hears you yelp and suddenly you’re brought back to his office by one of his men. “Sir, I think this belongs to you. She tried running for one of the cars.” Rap Monster sighs and stands up, walking over to you. He takes your chin in his hand, his thumb on your chin and his pointer finger tucked under. “Jagiya, why would you run from me? You should know I’m not going to let you go.” He releases you and nods to the man. “Take her home and watch her. I’m almost done and will be back soon. Then I’ll talk to her about her bad behavior.” He takes a seat at his desk again and gives you one last look, smirking. “I love you, Jagiya. I’ll see you at home.”

Jimin:

Originally posted by kpopidolaegyooo

Jimin sighs at the dead man at his feet. All he wanted was to know where the drugs were but the man had to disrespect him like that. “Great, now I have to find one of their other men to interrogate. This is irritating and a waste of my time.” He glares at the ground.

“O-Oppa?” He hears a small voice from the door way. His eyes widen as he sees you, absolutely terrified. “B-Baby, what are you doing here?” You turn to run out the door but are caught by a body guard. Jimin walks slowly tawords you. “Baby, I know this looks bad.” He goes to take your hand but you pull it away, scared of touching him. He looks at you, heartbroken. “I’m not going to hurt you I promise. Please don’t run away from me, I love you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He gestures over to the body guard to take care of the dead man on the floor. “I’m cancelling all my appointments and I’ll be spending the rest of the day with you. I’m not letting you go anywhere, Jagiya.”

V:

Originally posted by chokaivlicious

V sits at home counting his money in his office. He recently did a massive drug deal that went very well. ‘Now I’ll be able to take care of my family properly’. He smiles to himself. Just then you walk through the door, looking at him with a  questioning look. “Oppa, where did you get all that money?” V’s eye’s widen as he tries to hide it from you. “B-Baby, I didn’t know you were home.” You tilt your head. “Is that from the drug deal you had?” V opens his mouth in shock, not knowing how you found out about the drug deal.

You shake your head and scoff. “I knew it. I’m out of here.” You turn on your heel with your luggage and head for the door. You hear footsteps running after you and then a hand grabs your shoulder. “Baby, wait. Don’t leave.” V wraps his arms around your middle and pulls you to him. “I’m sorry I never told you. I just wanted to make enough money for us to live a good life.” You try to pull away from him but his grip tightens. “You’ll be happy, I promise. You’ll see. I’m not going to let you go that easily.”

Jungkook:

Originally posted by igotbulletproof

Jungkook glares at the mess around his house. He had just come home, hoping you would have dinner ready for him so he can eat and then go to bed with you. But once he arrived home, all he found was a giant mess of paper strewn all over the floor. “Well, seems she’s found out what’s really going on.” He takes out his phone and dials a number. “I need a favor.”

You had run into the park. You don’t know why you were here, you just needed to get away as fast as possible. You had just found the paper work for a hitman. Jungkook, your beloved husband, actually hired a hitman to kill someone! You couldn’t belive it. Terrified, you had fled. You didn’t know where you would go, but you would figure it out. “Here you are, my love.” You hear the voice of your husband, making your whole body stiffen. You slowly turn around to see Jungkook staring at you, his eyes hard. “So now you know what I really do.” He takes a step forward, making you take a step back. “Ah ah ah, I wouldn’t try to run if I were you. I have my men all around, making sure you don’t run from me again.” Jungkook quickly approaches you, backing you up and pinning you to the tree behind you. “You’re mine, baby. You’re crazy to ever think I’d let you go. Looks like I’ll have to up your security. From now on, you’re with me no matter where I go.” He smirks, making your whole body shiver.

fic rec friday

Last fic rec friday for this month. Since I’m all caught up!!

Blackbird by  skoosiepants | 25.1K

Laura Hale never died, and Stiles is magic.

I won’t sleep if you won’t sleep by  dragon_temeraire | 4K

After the nogitsune, Stiles is unable to sleep. To help, he has a spell cast on him that will link him with Derek.

I know that I remember you by  trilliastra | 1.3K

“I didn’t know you could sing.” The guy says, walking towards him, cautious.

Derek busies himself with closing the guitar case, waits for the guy to say anything else or maybe introduce himself. The bar is always crowded whenever Derek sings, and many people approach him every night, how would Derek remember who he is?

“Do I know you?” He ends up asking, not being able to hide the annoyed tone. He just wants to go home, take a shower and watch some stupid TV show.

To his surprise the guy flinches. “I don’t think so.”

36 Questions by  Leslie_Knope | 8K

“So I’m doing my senior psych thesis on friendships,” Erica says, not-so-accidentally elbowing Derek in the ribs as she turns to face Stiles. “How they develop, how intimacy is fostered, stuff like that.”

“That’s cool,” Stiles says agreeably. “What’s our part?”

“Well, I can’t really tell you the point because that would influence the results. But it’s a set of 36 questions that you have to ask each other.”

The Gentleman And The Fox by  bleep0bleep, Inkforwords | 15.7K

Derek doesn’t expect much from his arranged marriage. When his inattentive husband, Lord Stiles Stilinski, tells him he’s free to look for a lover, he doesn’t know where to start, until a dashing bandit named the Red Fox catches his eye.

Happy Birthday To Me by  hbunting1403 | 10.8K

It’s Laura’s 30th birthday and Derek sucks at buying gifts. Then he stumbles across ‘Full Moon Jewellery’, an Etsy store run by an art student who has strange ideas about nutrition, and whose enthusiasm for his new commission is actually kind of adorable.

In which the whole pack wants Derek to get a life, and Derek just wants some peace.

(But not really)

*** beruska208 sends me the cutest fics!!!  This fic is so adorable!