How you get through nursing school
Finally taking a shower after you have been in isolation rooms all day
I’m beginning to really despise my patient’s family members

Dear son of my patient,

Congratulations. I know that you’ve been at your mother’s bedside at Bumfuck Community Hospital for the past week prior to her transfer here to our humble hospital. It’s a real help having you at bedside because you’re so goddamn knowledgeable about everything.

Really, thank you for fixing my IV pumps when I’ve specifically asked you not to. 

No no, thank YOU for letting know constantly about your mothers normal AF vital signs.

 I mean, here I am just a lowly, slightly experienced, ICU nurse at a one of the top hospitals in the state and metropolitan area taking orders from silly doctors who only have been in school since pre-K and have graduated from worthless institutions like University of Chicago, Brown, WashU, and Yale.

Sorry I wasn’t able to fetch your mother’s hot tea as soon as she asked for it, I was busy trying to keep my other patient’s life support going so that she may actually live the next 24 hours and get a liver transplant. Gosh was she needy.

And sorry I made your mother turn with the assistance of another nurse so that I could get her cleaned up after she shit all over herself and her hundred skin folds. I really should have just let her sat in it, right?

Where in the hell do you people get off? Seriously?!? I get concern for your family members. I appreciate questions or concerns that you have and am more than willing to address them as they come up. But please, PLEASE do not treat me like I’m some stupid fuck who fell off the turnip truck. I’m at the very least halfway decent at what I do, and on the unit where I work, that’s 5 steps above almost everyone else in the world. We nurses are not stupid. Sorry I don’t know every test, med, and procedure performed on your loved one at an outside hospital 15 years ago. I’m looking out for what’s going on in the here and now. That’s my priority. I don’t tell you how to do your job, whatever that may be, so I’d greatly appreciate it if you’d kindly not tell me how to do mine.

God I cannot wait to go back onto night shift. Intubated/sedated patients with no family need apply. 

Finals Week