student poet

Don’t.

Don’t stare at me because it gives me hope.
Don’t give me hope because it makes me happy.
Don’t make me happy because it makes me fall.
Don’t make me fall because it hurts.
Don’t hurt me because I can’t hate you for it.
Don’t make me not hate you because I should.

Don’t stare because it make me think you feel the same, even the smallest things give me hope.

—  Pathetic girl in love

You tell yourself “I’m okay”.

And it really feels like you are.

You breathe in, and you breathe out.

You start to feel better about yourself. About everything.

And Just as you settle into a kind of tranquility, it happens.

A moment that offsets the balance that you’ve found.

And just like that, you’re back where you started.

Only this time, you struggle to say the words “I’m okay”.

and sweetheart,
i promise you
one day
someone will look at you
and see past all of the things
you think make you unlovable
and they will treat you
the way you deserve to be treated
they will be the kind of friend
you’ve always longed to have
they will hold you
as if you are the most precious thing in the world
(and you are)
and they will love you
in spite of your past
i promise
one day
it will happen

but until that day comes
don’t worry so much
about someone else falling in love with you
and focus on falling in love
with the way your chest rises and falls with life
with the way sunlight travels hundreds of thousands of millions of miles just to bring warmth to your day
with the way listening to your favorite song makes you feel as though you’re hearing it for the first time
with the way the stars have aligned in such a way that has made it possible for your life to intertwine with someone else’s
with the way your infectious smile can bring so much joy to others

instead of worrying
about someone else falling in love with you
just remember that it will happen
and focus on falling in love
with yourself first
—  and i guarantee, you aren’t as unlovable as you think you are
(cc, 2017)
  • Bitty, sitting at the Haus kitchen table: my academic counselor said if I don't take a creative writing class this semester, I won't graduate.
  • Nursey: that's okay Bitty! Take Intro to Poetry, I'm TA-ing that for extra credit.
  • Bitty, exactly one semester later: I can't believe you gave me a D on every assignment
  • Nursey: I can't believe you thought iambic pentameter was part of the metric system.

But could we…

Someday share a deep conversation.
Someday smile and it not make things awkward.
Someday make plans to see each other in the future.
Someday hug out of affection instead of congratulations.
Someday call in the middle of the night.
Someday steal a kiss, or two, or three.
Someday share anything and everything.

But someday could it just be you and me.

—  Pathetic girl in love.
Can we lose touch with a feeling?
I sent a full stop that reeks of hung up phone calls and
unanswered text messages
and the desperation of trying everything to grab them by the shoulders
and scream,
that you could do so much better,
to make them smile.
A year too late,
your name flickers at the top of the screen,
my mouth is dry like that time you were ten minutes late
and I thought, my beating heart must mean something,
it didn’t.
If we rewind time,
we first spoke in a library
we didn’t talk as loud
as we would months later,
to shout over the music
when I told you I was happy for you
and her.
I remember,
typing my number into your phone
and hoping you’d use it
but two years later,
I wish you wouldn’t.
—  two years later
If I don’t like myself,
How do I expect you to fall for me?
How selfish I am to expect such a thing from you,
You imperfect being.
—  || selfish request
Y

I am an extrovert

If you are an introvert.

But I am the introvert if you are not.

I balance.

Automatically.

Quite naturally.

I do not know why.

If you talk too much,

You will never hear me say much.

And will be surprised when another friend describes me as the ‘talkative’ girl.

I balance.

That is why I chose accounting.

That is why I loved accounting.

The ultimate goal is to balance.

Debit and Credit

Assets and Liabilities

Balance is key

Balance is the sun of accounting

Everything seems to revolve around it

We manipulate numbers to get the right balance

Students most times didn’t even understand the concept

But they knew that ultimately the Balance Sheet must balance

So without knowing, without understanding they managed to get the answer right.

Did I do that with my life?

Because there came a point where everything looked well on paper,

It seemed right, it balanced perfectly.

But I wasn’t happy.

I am figuring out the concepts now.

I am not too focused or concerned about the balancing bit.

The longer you like someone,
The more you see their flaws.
The flaws that make others run away.
But if you stay to like them,
Despite their flaws.
You know you no longer like them,
You love them.
Even if they do not.
—  || like to love
Y