OSRR: 961

okay so like

i keep telling myself that i shouldn’t like connor. i’m graduating, i don’t wanna make things awkward, he’s three years younger than i am, he’s not mormon… there’s a whole host of logical reasons i can name to not do anything, or to just flat out get over him.

but then i see him and i can’t stop looking at him. he has piercing blue eyes, hair that is soft but stiff and sticks up in funny ways when you run your fingers through it, he’s got a jawline that could kill, his arms are strong but lean, his chest is strong, he has beautiful legs holy CRAP his legs are beautiful, his hands are strong and always well-cared for. he’s hot. really. and it kills me because he’s so beautiful. (and there’s exactly no way that he would like me. he doesn’t have a reason to. and that kills me.) but he’s not just attractive. i could draw the line and have no problem if he were just physically appealing. but no. he’s also funny, and sweet, and sassy and smart - he’s so smart, oh my goodness - he cares so much about the people he loves. i can’t honestly say enough how smart he is. like, it’s borderline ridiculous. his smile is so bright and his laugh is infectious and he can light up a room by just being there. he’s reasonable but still fun, he’s responsible but he knows how to let loose, he loves to travel, he eats lemons just straight up. it’s wild. he knows how to fly a plane, he’s just as obsessed with space as i am. there’s more but i’m tired and i need sleep.

but i go and i try to not like him and then i see him and it just. evaporates. i can’t not like him. he’s essentially everything i’ve looked for - down to literally his nails. i have a thing where i can’t deal with people, especially guys, who have long nails or nails that have stuff under them or even nails that are easily bent or too thin. he doesn’t have that. his nails are always neat and short and clean and they’re not flimsy and it’s wild? he takes care of his hands, and i genuinely appreciate that. it’s something i rarely see. welp.

anyway, i have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow and i am almost done with my lesson plan. i’m also working tomorrow so i can get another paycheck with three full days! hooray! and today’s working on the lesson counts for my internship, so i’m not missing hours :)

Monday 8:27am
I woke up with you on my mind.
You called me babe last night —
my heart is still pounding.

Tuesday 10:53pm
Today I realized we won’t work.
What we are is hurting her.
And I think she matters more to me than you do.

Wednesday 11:52pm
I broke things off with you today.
She barely said a word.
I’ve never regretted anything more than this.

Thursday 4:03pm
I shouldn’t have sent that message.
You shouldn’t have been so okay with receiving it.

Friday 9:57pm
I almost messaged you today.
I didn’t.

Saturday 8:49pm
I’m walking around town in search of alcohol.
They say that liquor numbs the pain of having a broken heart.
I want to put that to the test.

Sunday 2:32am
I heard you texted a girl you’ve never spoken to before.
I wonder if it’s because you’re trying to replace me.
I can’t help but wish you weren’t.
I thought I was irreplaceable.

—  a week with you on my mind, c.j.n.