straya!!!!!!!

the misogyny speech

my favourite thing ever in the history of this universe is the misogyny speech. i love it. i love it so much. 

for those who don’t know what the misogyny speech is: australia’s PM julia gillard was our first female prime minister and was bullied relentlessly throughout her career by sexist politicians saying that as a woman she was unfit to lead. and then. then. one day, julia gillard snapped.

the resulting three-minute speech, known simply as the ‘misogyny speech’ in australia, was possibly the most epic smackdown seen in australian political history, surpassed only by “i wanna do you slowly”. it was incredible. students memorised it and marched through the streets yelling it. a national australian choir arranged it as a five-harmony piece. even hillary clinton went out of her way to meet julia gillard and tell her how fucking awesome the misogyny speech was.

i, personally, have the misogyny speech memorised. because i live in tony abbott’s electorate, and my dream of dreams is to see him at the shops one day and follow him while yelling it.

the misogyny speech: as australian as vegemite.

australian gothic

- we all refer to the prime minister by their first name. we know them well, and they know us. all of us.

- there’s a man on the street corner who never leaves. “just waiting for a mate,” he says. you realise he is on every corner, of every street.

- you are swooped by a magpie in the same place, at the same time, every single day. “it’s swooping season!” says your neighbour. it has always been swooping season.

- sometimes you hear a woman whispering late at night - or early in the morning. “rage” she hisses. “rage”.

- the prime minister never seems to last long and often disappears through no discernible democratic process. one of them eats a raw onion in an attempt to assimilate. he is gone by morning, replaced by another.

  • me: i love australia because it has a really diverse population, strict gun control, near-perfect separation of church and state, a relative absence of political extremism, great memes, and beautiful natural wonders
  • also me: i hate australia because the government refuses to legalise gay marriage, our political system is highly unstable and every time we replace our leader it causes mass confusion, a coal mine is currently being planned practically on top of the great barrier reef, and any refugees who attempt to come here by boat are locked up indefinitely in offshore concentration camps with a total media blackout in place so no-one knows the extent of the human rights violations that are happening there
  • what americans think australians are like: g'day mate let's chuck a shrimp on the barbie haha let's go to the outback and wrestle crocodiles and ride in kangaroo pouches . .boomerang!
  • what australians are really like: oi fuckin hell darren ya stupid fuckin cunt ya fucking stole my ciggy now I can't buy another packet till me centrelink pay comes in cuz they fucking dogs fuck you darren fuck refugees

Safety Tips For Tourists In Australia

(all of which are based on things I see tourists doing every single year. You frighten us. Seriously. We know you haven’t been taught any better, so this is an attempt to help)

  • I know not everyone is swimming between the flags at the beach. I know. It’s because locals know what a rip looks like, know where all the rocks are, and know when the tide is going in or out. And you know what? We still find ourselves in trouble. But we’re all usually experienced enough that we can stay afloat on the rare occasions we actually need rescuing, and everyone knows you’re an idiot and calls you such when you get out. You do not, and you’re also in the way of surfers (surfboards, by the way, do not have brakes). Stay between the flags.
  • Watch your children at the rockpools. Seriously. Tell them that looking is fine, but under no circumstances are they to put their hand in the water, and they DEFINITELY shouldn’t try to pick anything up. If you’re driving home from the beach and your kid (or anyone) is unusually tired, GET THEM TO A HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY. They may have been bitten by a blue-ringed octopus, in which case they’ll need emergency treatment.
  • Those blue jellyfish-like things that wash up on the beach? They’re a Portuguese Man O’ War, or bluebottle. They’re not dead – just stuck until the tide comes back. Don’t touch them – their sting HURTS. Hot water helps. You shouldn’t need a doctor, but it won’t hurt to get it checked out if you think you’re having an allergic reaction. Also, don’t pop the tops of the little guys – that’s just cruel.
  • Similarly, don’t stomp on the little molluscs and things growing on the rocks. I’ve seen so many kids make a game of this. They’re not dangerous, but they are living creatures. (Also, don’t walk near them barefoot. Trust me - I’ve made that mistake myself)
  • It’s recently been brought to my attention that other countries don’t have this, so I’ll add it here – if you hear a continuous horn/beep/siren at the beach, that’s a shark alarm. It’s a good idea to get out of the water at that point.
  • The size or hairiness of a spider has nothing to do with how venomous it is. See: huntsman spider vs. redback spider.
  • If it’s summer, wear sunscreen. I don’t care if it’s overcast. Skin cancer is one of the biggest killers here, and that’s for people who are used to our sunlight. Not to mention that it IS possible to get so sunburnt that you can’t even wear a shirt. I remember attendance at my school dropped 50% after one carnival because no-one could get their uniform on.

Feel free to add more in reblogs! I will be doing so as I think of them.