I wish
what we’ve had—
was just like
a great movie,
that even if
it had already
I can replay it
all over again,
I wish I can feel it
once again.
—  ma.c.a // I want you, more than anyone else

I’m not ready to let you go,“

“I know”

“I’ll never be ready to let you go”

“Then don’t

—  Tenari Ioapo
My friends keep telling me that I don’t deserve someone like you. Maybe they are right, and yet I still choose you.

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #8

// a.s

He killed her in the most twisted way imaginable– by writing her into stories he shared to the class. Fully aware that she had to hear the loving tales of his new woman, fully aware that she had to fake her smile and appreciation for the beautiful way he described her. He stabbed her with his words. Knowingly.

But that didn’t phase her. Yes, it hurt. But she could play mind games just as messed up and twisted as he could. It was a battle of the brains for the victory of a heart. This was the pain game.

—  The Pain Game
When I had you it didn’t feel like anything was ever wrong, even when it was. Every other part of my life could have been falling apart but when I was with you, it still felt like everything was okay. You allowed me to ignore the fact that I hated my job because knowing I got to come home to you got me through the work day. And I thought this was a blessing but it was actually just keeping me from making the changes in my life that I needed to make. I didn’t try to make a life I’d be happy with on my own because you were the best part of my life and I thought I’d always have you. But this was self destructive because you were my strongest painkiller, you didn’t actually make everything better, you just made it feel like it was.

What do you believe in? A God? Gods? An explosion of atoms? Karma? A Nirvana, reincarnation, heaven, hell, a man floating on a cloud damning us all or maybe protecting us? Maybe you believe in a combination of these, maybe none at all. Maybe you’re not sure what you believe; in all honesty I’m not quite sure what I believe in sometimes. But I think even if I could confidently choose an ideology, or combination of such, I think it all comes back to a balance of right now. I don’t know where I’ll go after I died or if all the things I’ve done on earth will matter when I’ve been buried and left the material world behind me.. but I am beginning to realize that that all our ideologies apply to a “later,” and everything “right now” is a scale.

A scale in the idea that nothing can be existentially bad or existentially good. When you have a row of good, you will experience bad until everything is at equilibrium again, same visa versa. But what if this doesn’t just exist on an individual level, but as a whole. Think about it.. where do you lie? Are you a person who no matter how much good you do, the effort you put in, how much you try, or the positive optimistic mindset you have, it ends up bad? Or are you someone who no matter what you do wrong in the world you still end up on top? Don’t for a second think that I don’t know we sometimes walk ourselves into our downfalls, but what if the average Joe experiences all their bad days no matter the effort they put in, because they’re balancing someone’s good days? What if you’re having a little harder struggle in life to balance someone else’s good? What if I’m not just an external balance of good and bad but a fraction of a whole, because we are divided; some of us born to live a certain life. Those wouldn’t mean you’re destined for only one kind of experience of life and it’s not to say you cannot shift the balance into a different path. For those who believe in science and numbers, Equilibrium can change when the substances or parts of the equation change, and for those who believe in a Higher power, the God you believe in is constantly weaving a new plan for every turn you decide to take right?

Different ideologies, different ways to experience life after death, but the same “right now.”

What if if the perfect balances we need for Survival are not limited to H20, CO2, and the components of air, but the overall experiences of our lives. And if that’s the case, where are you in it all?

Do not allow someone to take the happiness you know you deserve, you are capable of achieving those lifelong dreams. You can live a life you love, you can create and innovate. You will make it happen, you will be free of all this pain, your suffering times will come to an end. You will smile, you will be happy, you will understand why things happened and why certain changes were made. Every single one of us goes through challenging times and they won’t dissappear but you can live a happier life if you choose to see the positives over the negatives.
—  Tenari Ioapo
How can you stop loving someone? How can you look at this person whom you once would have died for, would have lived for, and feel absolutely nothing. I don’t think you can, if you truly loved them I don’t think those feelings ever go away. I think they just become bearable, and you accept that this perfect love isn’t going to be the forever one. It’s like with the dead, you don’t stop loving them, they’re just gone, and you try your best to make it not hurt.
—  A.G.
I remember my friend asked me,
‘Even if his words fell as harsh as the summer sun, you would still love him?’
Breathlessly, I replied,
'Of course.’
—  g.e. // March 27th