RULES, RULES. This is important. You need to set rules for yourself,
and if you are truly ana, you will have no problem sticking to them
because you are STRONG! Rules are everything. Examples: Don’t eat
anything white. Do not, under any circumstances, eat after 6:00. Don’t
eat before 3:00. Cut each bite into x amount of pieces, chew x amount of
times. Do not eat anything that has over 3 grams of fat. Make your own
and keep adding to them.
Ana must be the center of your life.
a full glass of water before you eat and then sip a full glass between
bites, you’ll get full much faster. Remember it takes 20 minutes for the
brain to realize the stomach is full.
denser food because it feels like more. Light and fluffy foods compact
in your digestive tract and you will feel hungry soon after.
Take out only the amount of food you plan to eat and don’t allow seconds.
before you eat. Don’t eat while distracted (TV, etc). Stop and consider
if you really want to eat that then consciously give yourself
4 100-calorie meals is better than one 400-calorie meal.
eat anything bigger than about a cup, your stomach will expand and
you’ll get hungry more. If you need to, eat more frequently, not bigger
and other “healthy” bars and shakes have more carbs and calories than
in the meal they’re intended to replace. Stay away.
at least a glass of water every hour. It’s better for weight loss to
sip throughout the day than to chug a full glass (except before eating,
in which case it can make you eat less, or make you slightly nauseous so
you don’t want to eat at all). Try keeping a water bottle somewhere
you’ll see it a lot, like every 10-20 minutes, and take a drink from it
every time you see it/notice it.
up to a shot of apple cider vinegar before eating, it’s supposed to
minimize fat absorption. Also speeds metabolism and can help curb
cravings. Drinking more than a shot causes a vague nausea which helps
Ice or gum are good food substitutes. Celery works too if you’re really hungry.
small, dark colored plates. Dark blue or black makes you eat less, and
smaller plates and utensils cause you to take smaller portions from the
a list of “bad” foods. Periodically, cross one of the list and pledge
to never, ever eat it again. Eventually there will be none left.
in front of a mirror, naked or in underwear if possible. If you can’t,
carry a picture of yourself in a revealing outfit and look at it when
you want to eat. When you have cravings pinch your fat and look at your
problem areas, don’t add to them!
Eat a lot of fiber for digestive health and low calories.
a methodical routine for eating. Cut food into tiny pieces, count your
bites and the number of times you chew, set your utensils down between
bites, and sip water between bites. Add other rules or rituals of your
higher-calorie items earlier in the day so you have more time to burn
them off; if you eat late eat light or it will be more likely to be
stored as fat due to inactivity. Try not to eat too late, sleep burns
calories and is a good opportunity to burn fat with little effort. The
body must burn through all digesting food before taking energy from
stored food (fat).
you go out, take very little money or only enough to buy whatever
non-food item you plan on buying. This will make it harder to buy food
take bites, either from others’ food or while cooking, as the calories
add up surprisingly fast and you may not realize how much extra you’re
down everything you eat and its calories. This will make you think
before eating and also make you more aware of how much food and calories
you are actually consuming. You can also write down other things such
as how you’re feeling, who you’re with, place, time, and why you chose
to eat it, this will help you track patterns in your eating behavior.
Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap it when you want to eat. Food = pain.
a time you cannot eat past. 6:00 or 7:00pm are good choices. This is
especially helpful if you are prone to night binging. Then make a rule
that you cannot eat before 6:00 or 7:00AM, this is like having a 12-hr
fast every day.
shouldn’t eat for at least 3 hours before going to bed. The extra hours
will help burn off the calories. If you eat soon before sleeping, you
absorb more calories due to inactivity and you put on weight.
Have a peppermint or peppermint tea. Peppermint decreases hunger.
Brush your teeth when you want to eat. The clean feeling and mint aftertaste will put you off food.
Press on your stomach when it grumbles. TUMS also stop stomach growling and have calcium.(5 calories a piece so be careful!)
a list of all the reasons you want to be thin and avoid food. Look at
it when you want to eat to remind yourself why you won’t. Or, write a
new list every time you want to eat. It’ll distract you, postpone
eating, and thinking of the reasons will inspire you.
a ribbon the size you want your waist to be. wrap and tie it around
your wrist like a bracelet. Every time you look at it you’ll be reminded
of your goals. When you’re tempted, take it off and wrap it around your
waist. See how close you are, or how far you have to go, and resist the
leave at least one bite of food on your plate. This will help you to be
able to stop eating and prevent binges. It will also stop you from
compulsively finishing portions even when you have eaten enough.
Save $1 for every meal you don’t eat, then use the money to buy yourself a non-food present.
Friends will only get in the way. Avoid them until you reach your goals.
eat in secret. This is a terrible habit that leads to compulsive
binging. If you wouldn’t eat it in front of all your friends you
shouldn’t be eating it at all! Also if you only eat around other people
they will know that you do eat and assume you eat alone as well, thus
lessening suspicion that you have an ED.
eat out of a box or jar. Always eat from a plate or bowl. This will
help you in several ways: You will see how much you are really eating;
you can determine in advance how much you will eat and not go back for
seconds; using a small plate or bowl will make you eat even less; you
can count/measure out an exact serving and know the accurate amount of
calories you are consuming.
Give clothes to Goodwill as they get too big for you. Don’t keep them around “just in case.”
If you live alone, put thinspo and/or reverse thinspo pictures on the pantry and refrigerator. A mirror works well too.
you have hunger pangs, picture your stomach eating away your fat, and
that what you feel is the feeling of thinness and your fat burning
Coffee is an appetite suppressant. Drink it black or with Splenda or other no-calorie sweetener.
your bites, and the number of times you chew them. Plan in advance how
many bites you can have. Then make them smaller or use smaller
Paint your nails so you can’t eat until the polish dries. Teeth whitening strips are good too.
water before eating. If you’re still hungry, drink green tea or broth.
If you still need to eat, you’ll eat less than you would have.
low-calorie foods with strong flavors. Sometimes you’re craving taste,
not food. For bouillon, use less water than is recommended. Peppermints,
pickles, peppers, and mustard are good choices.
Do not eat anything unless you know the exact amount of calories in it.
Chew gum while cooking. That way you can’t take bites while it is cooking, and you won’t want to eat it once it’s done.
Keep food out of sight, not sitting out, and stay away from food and the kitchen to keep your mind off it.
Keep a pocket thinspo in your wallet with your cash so you won’t spend money on food.
For sweet cravings, lick a chopstick and dip it into a diet Swiss Miss pack.
your current weight on one hand, and your goal weight on the other.
When you go to eat, you’ll be reminded how fat you are, and how skinny
you could be.
The Four D’s: Distance yourself from food. Distract yourself. Delay eating Decide what your goals really are.
tea raises metabolism and is very good for the skin and overall health.
Drink it in the morning to increase metabolism for the day. Add lemon
to make it more effective and to add a detoxifying aspect.
Hot water with lemon is another good morning drink.
foods raise metabolism, if you don’t like them you can take cayenne
pepper capsules available in supplement section of drugstores or health
apple cider vinegar is said to raise metabolism, have a few
tablespoons, can also be mixed in water (with lemon would be best) or
used as salad dressing.
the morning with stretching to wake up your muscles, the morning is
also the best time to exercise because your body will use stored food
(fat) as fuel instead of food you ate. It also processes food better
throughout the day and gives you more energy if you exercise in the
at least 6 hours of sleep each night, less than this can decrease
metabolism by 10% and increase appetite by 15%. You look better and feel
better when you have more sleep also if you’re sleeping then you’re not
Keep good posture, it burns 10% more calories throughout the day. You also look better.
Vitamin B6 and B12 raise metabolism and give you energy.
Eating protein increases your metabolic rate by 14%.
This can be split into two main categories; communicative functions and non-communicative.
1. Mate Selection
While insects tend to use chemical communication more as a means of attracting potential mates colouration can however play a significant role in mate selection in a number of ways.
Honest signalling - in which the colouration reveals the quality of the individual as these colourations are costly to produce. Therefore only individuals that are high-quality are able to afford the cost of producing these signals (in this case the iridescence or shiny colouration)
A study (
Fitzstephens & Getty, 2000) found that male Calopteryx maculata (Black-winged damselfly) with higher fat stores had a much bluer iridescent colouration compared to males on low fat diets.
Amplifier traits - iridescent / shiny colours may be used to amplify the differences in the signals of quality (however no studies have directly focused if this is a function of iridescence)
Sensory drives -
iridescent colouration was favoured due to being more effective in signalling in certain ecological environments
Receiver Bias - females (or in rare cases the males or hermaphrodites) as the receivers may have favoured certain
colouration due to being better received by their sensory system therefore resulting in the evolution of this colouration
2. Species Recognition
Man species use iridescent / shiny colouration in order to identify members of their own species! As simple as that!
Colias eurytheme (orange sulfur butterfly) use UV
iridescence to communication with conspecifics
Iridescense / shiny colouration may be used in intrasexual encounters; mostly male-male agonistic encounters and can be used as a territorial signal.
Can help insects that school together facilitate their orientation or direction within their schools / flocks. This is seen in many aquatic species of fish and even squid.
5. Predation avoidance
Iridescense / shiny colouration can be used to order to actually avoid predation! Although at first glance you’d assume this would make them more visible, this isn’t always the case.
Mimicry / camouflage - insects can avoid predation by mimicking objects, leaves, raindrops, other harmful species or even by blending into the background
A number of iridescent jumping spider species (Salticidae); such as Brettus adonisin this study (
Jackson & Hallas 1986) were found to mimic raindrops to avoid predation
The iridescent green leaf beetles such as the (Dogbane Leaf Beetle, Chrysochus auratus) similarity use their iridescence colouration to mimic dew on leaves.
Species like tiger beetles (
Cicindelinae) even use their
iridescence to create an unsaturated appearance that allow them to blend into their envrionment (
Schultz 1986, 2001)
Warning colouration - insects may use their colouration to communicate their toxicity or unpalatability serving as aposematic warning.
Panamanian tortoise beetle (Charidotella egregia) that change from gold to red when disturbed by predators
(Vigneron et al. 2007).
Startle displays - some species will use their
iridescence colouration to create a flash that may startle potential predators long enough for them to escape due to the way in which the iridescence reflects light.
The tiger beeltes again! Some of them have bright colouration like below that they use as startle defenses against predators (Sargent 1990).
There’s much debate over whether
Iridescense / shiny colouration has any function in either heat absorption or dispersion.
Some found evidence that the structures used to created iridescense / shiny colouration acted as heat collectors, like in the wings of butterflies (
Miaoulis & Heilman 1998). However other’s have found no evidence of thermoregulation in tiger beetles
Schultz & Hadley (1987).
iridescense structures may reduce the friction in burrowing insects
Went up to Seattle the other day. Had a blast in the international district and loved taking advantage of the nice weather! So here’s a casual look, perfect for walking around but still wanting to be stylish
My entire outfit is thrifted and I got the Converse on Amazon
I couldn’t find ANYTHING about musculature, and even skeletons were hard to find. So here’s a labelled raccoon skeleton, and some paintovers that I did that show where the bones and joints actually are.
KEEP IN MIND I’m not actually an art student and y’all see how inaccurate I draw my raccoons so this is a good starting guide but not gospel lmao
Things to keep in mind: Slanted skull, loooong hands and feet, lots of stored fat (especially on back), poofy fur makes them appear larger, back legs are Very Bendy
Dr. Pig! Can you diagnose yourself and tell us what happened to you?
If I remember Correctly….
It was a strange Dream…A Horrible Dream! Me, Doctor Pig, got into a bad bet with a Cartoon! He was Strange and Red, and he diagnosed People with “”””Triple Gay””””””. Not a true condition! I played a Game of Shits and Stacks with him, and if I won, he would stop pestering me! But if he won….Oh Man…
With a roll of the die, I had lost…and He stored me into his fat ass head
Calculating your macros is a crucial part of making progress with your body. The macronutrients are proteins, carbohydrates, and fats. Calculating how much you need of each is a huge part of your success. It is simpler than a lot of people think.
PROTEIN - Protein is what the muscle tissue in your body is made of. It also plays a key role in the functioning of many hormones. Without protein you cannot build or even maintain muscle tissue, or even maintain things like collagen in your cartilage. Protein is necessary when trying to gain muscle, lose weight, or just maintain good health. Protein yeilds 4 calories per gram. An easy way to calculate how much of it you need in your diet is to eat a gram per pound of lean body mass. This means you must figure out your body fat percentage, multiply that by your weight, and then subtract that number from your body weight. What is left is your lean body mass in pounds. If you don’t know your body fat percentage, it is okay to estimate. Typically protein should make up about 25-30% of your diet, depending on the individual and what their goals are. To calculate how many grams you need using a percentage, take your total calories and multiply it by .3 or whatever percentage you are using. Then take that number and divide it by 4.
FATS - The reason I put fat next is because they have more function than carbohydrates. Fats are in each cell in your body, and they supply your body with much more energy per gram than carbohydrates (9 calories per gram). Fats also make up many hormones and help to transport nutrients across the body. Many people try low fat diets in fear that eating fat will make them gain fat. This has been proven to be untrue again and again in studies. Because fat is used for so many other things in the body, your body does not just store all of them. Also eating too low of fat could suppress hormones, cause malfunction with the micronutrients in your body, and ultimately will force you to eat more carbohydrates, which can cause fat gain much more easily. Typically fats should make up 25-30% of the diet depending on your goals and body type. To calculate how many grams you need, take your total calories and multiply it by the percentage you are using, then take that number and divide it by 9.
CARBOHYDRATES - Carbs are pretty simple; they are your body’s main energy source. They have other functions, but giving you energy to do everything you do is the main function. Carbohydrates have much more leeway than the other two macros. Carbohydrates can change drastically depending on what your goal is. For example, many bodybuilders eat anywhere from 300-500 carbohydrates when bulking, and then drop them close to 0 when cutting. When you consume carbohydrates they are either stored as glycogen (in the muscles), converted to glucose (in the blood), or stored as fat. When you have more carbohydrates than you need to supply your body with proper energy, it stores the rest as fat. This is why they must be limited when trying to lose weight. This is not to say you must drop your carbs to 0, just don’t overeat them. If you do decide to go 0 carb, just keep in mind that you will most likely experience dizziness, fatigue, and some other abnormal symptoms when you first stop eating them. This is due to your body trying to find a new energy source as you have taken away its main one. When eating 0 carbs, your body will be forced to burn fat through the process of lipolysis, and convert amino acids to glucose through the process of gluconeogenesis. If you do things right and eat enough, you should not lose much muscle. Carbohydrates yield 4 calories per gram. Typically they should make up about 35-50% of the diet. Like I mentioned before this varies drastically depending on your goal and body type. I myself can only get away with about 35% when bulking and I go to 0 when cutting. For others they go up to 60% when bulking and only down to 40% when cutting. To calculate how many grams you need, take your total calories and multiply them by the percentage you want, and divide that number by 4.
Sorry this became such a long post but it is a more complex subject and requires more information. No matter what diet you decide to do, just try to find what works best for you and stick to it. Never starve yourself. You want to eat less than you burn off, but only by about 250-500 calories. This a surefire way to burn muscle. Hope this helps guys, let me know if you have any questions.
Tegu body condition, or: but they’re SUPPOSED to have huge cheeks!!1!
Tegu lizards can make fantastic reptile pets for the experienced owner, but because of their stocky build and highly developed pterygoid muscles (those are the jowls you see), it’s often really difficult to assess their body condition. I took these photos at a reptile show recently. The jowls of a tegu are the first thing people see, and that’s usually all that ever gets talked about. Somebody says “he looks fat” and then somebody else says “he’s supposed to have those cheeks,” but friends, let me tell you a secret: tegus store fat in places other than their jowls. So what I’ve done here is taken a couple of pictures that show you some other ways to assess tegu body condition… without using the jowl size alone as an indicator of obesity!
These pictures are of a female. She’s ½ black and white, ¼ red, and ¼ blue. Phenotypically she has a mix of traits- because she was under a red light, it was very hard to get a picture of her showing her true colors, but she does have the blue’s “burnt” nose and seems to have mostly red coloration. She is three years old, she is not gravid, and her breeders had her for sale for one thousand dollars.
The casual observer would probably say something like “dang, that’s a fat lizard!” The well-meaning tegu enthusiast would probably say in response “actually, no, tegus just look like that!” But that’s not true. We shouldn’t be promoting unhealthy animals and spreading misinformation. These pictures are a good example of some hallmarks of bad body condition in a tegu. To show you what those are, I’ve gone through and marked them in these edited versions. This tegu is basking, meaning she’s all spread out to maximize her surface area and soak up the warmth- but even in this position there’s hallmarks of ill health.
1. A hallmark of obesity is the ear being obscured by fat. When a tegu is basking, the jowl rises to cover a little bit of the ear- but when the ear’s completely covered like that, it’s a bad sign.
2. The mouth should close all the way. If the mouth doesn’t close all the way, the owner should know what caused it and have taken appropriate steps to correct it if possible. Obviously for some congenital things, there’s nothing you can really do- and it can frequently be an injury or the scars of a poor diet that you can’t correct. You’ll see that in rescue tegus a lot. But that’s something a responsible owner is on top of! Jaw deformation can occur in the form of a lateral malocclusion (a side-to-side crossbite), an overbite, an underbite, or a droopy lip that’s dragged down by the massive fat pad the animal’s carrying.
3. There shouldn’t be folds of fat over the wrists and elbows. There should be a clear delineation between the upper and lower forelimb, but these should be strong and muscular.
4. This is a very tricky one. Tegus are supposed to have a ridge of skin called the lateral line. When they’re obese, it shrinks and sometimes flattens against the body. However, it will usually flatten against the ribs while basking (that’s what it’s supposed to do, it maximizes surface area to let them take in sunshine) and when gravid. I include it here because the lateral line is something that you might not see on a healthy tegu- you have to consider a lot of factors when looking at an animal! This is especially true for females. If they’re gravid (pregnant), they’re going to be VERY pear-shaped and look really obese around the abdominal area. Tegus can lay up to 70 eggs at a time- of course she’s gonna look bulgy! But this girl? Not pregnant. I asked, and the breeder just kinda stared at me for a second, wondering what kind of clueless halfwit would ask if she was selling a pregnant trihybrid.
Let’s take a look at this gal’s back half.
5. The tail shouldn’t be… for lack of a better word, puffy. A regenerated tail is another story, those can take a number of weird shapes- but this tail is way too fat.
6. There shouldn’t be fat rolls around the limbs. There should be a clear delineation between thigh and calf- there should be an actual joint there- but there shouldn’t be a bulging roll of fat.
7. The feet and toes shouldn’t be swollen. While the front toes- the digging claws- should be fairly stout and strong, the back toes should be slender and long. The foot itself should have a solid appearance and shouldn’t have dimples or rolls of fat going over the toes.
There are many other markers of health that you can see in tegus- some that show good health, some that show poor- and just as many that you can’t see. For a viewer who’s not super familiar with lizard body shapes, a tegu can be very confusing. They’re built for power, not speed or maneuverability. But when you are looking at an animal, these are some of the things that with a little observation, even the most casual observer can look at! Remember, the animal’s a complete being- it’s not just the jowls!
You eat food, and you don't save any room, you eat and eat until you are full and satisfied.
This is when the problem begins because, your
stomach still needs to make room for water to hydrate you, and also room for
the expansion of gases so you can digest the food. Basically meaning now that
you have eliminated the room for digestion and water, your stomach has no
choice but to expand.
After a large meal, the stomach muscles expand up to 3 times
the normal size pressing against the lungs. This is what causes a person to
feel out of breath after eating a lot.
When it’s hard to breathe, your taking in less oxygen which
means your brain receives less oxygen making you feel tired. The body also has
to spend more energy to digest the food leading to an energy drain and adding
to that sleepy feeling you experience.
Giving your body a constant supply of energy also means it
won’t have to dip into your fat stores for energy. If you constantly give the
body more energy, meaning food, than it can use, it continues storing extra
energy increasing your fat stores. By constantly eating, your body continues to
store fat that it will never use.
The more you eat until you are stuffed, the more you force
it to stretch out, the more it stretches the more appetite and the more food
you can put down before you stuffed again. Then you feel too sleepy to work it
off and take a nap only to wake up hungry and start all over. It becomes a
vicious cycle where you can eat more and more and you gain more and more
The brain helps this cycle to continue as well. Dopamine, a
chemical which is found in the human brain, induces a feeling of happiness when
you eat. However, when you overeat the dopamine levels in the brain get depleted.
When the dopamine levels get depleted, you have to eat more food to get a
feeling of satisfaction.
Weights before Cardio: Performing weight training first will ensure you’re strongest when you lift. Plus, it depletes your glycogen storages, so when you do cardio your body will be more likely to burn body fat for energy, helping you get leaner faster than if you did cardio first.
More then Abs: The six-pack may be the centerpiece, but to really impress people, focus on working your entire body, including the chest, back, shoulders, arms, and yes, even your legs. Don’t be too obsessed with ONLY the muscles you see in the mirror, make sure you take the whole body approach.
Fiber: Increases heart health along with aiding digestion. You will also fill fuller and more satisfied which helps to curb overeating.
Protein: Eating more protein will help the body regulate blood sugar and increase nitrogen for the brain. It will also allow muscles to take in a more constant flow of amino acids in order to properly recover from weight training.
Probiotics: These will help the digestive system breakdown your foods properly. They will help to insure nothing is wasted or stored as fat within the body.
Coconut Oil: Assists with brain health, increases overall energy levels and decreases appetite.
Hydration: Being dehydrated can cause havoc within a body made up of mostly water. Aim for 8 glasses to a gallon a day depending on size, weight and training regimen.
HIIT Training: High Intensity Interval Training has been proven to burn more calories during and after training than low intensity steady state cardio, aka jogging. It is also a time saver, thus making it more bang for your buck for those of you who are running on a tight schedule. A 20-minute HIIT session can replace a 30- to 35-minute low intensity session.
Big Sets: The goal is to perform at least four different exercises in a row without resting. An example would be Squats followed by Leg Presses, Leg Curls and Calf Raises. These type of bigger sets make your workouts more intense, reduce the amount of time you train and aid as a cardiovascular workout as well.
Shop Smart: When in the grocery store, the healthiest items are not in the isles, but actually on the outside surrounding them on the perimeter. Keep this in mind when you’re shopping, because shopping in these sections will be best for your health, development and even your wallet.
A long but worth it headcanon for @slutforpennywise and anyone else who’s having a hard time emotionally and needs cheering up from an adorable killer clown…
You have no i-fucking-dea how you’re going to get through today. You feel so heavy, like there’s a weight in your head and you have to move slowly to get around
Work has yet to begin, and you’re dreading the idea of keeping up a polite and inoffensive facade whilst all this misery is churning your insides
You just want to sleep, and you almost call in sick, but you can’t. It makes you feel even worse, letting people down because you can’t deal with life the way everyone else can.
Because you’re weak. Now the voices arehere. Fucking great. You shut them up and head for the shower, but you can feel tears prickling behind your eyes, and inside you cry to yourself desperately, “Where’s Penny?”
Somehow, you’ve managed to dress and leave your apartment; walking to work, you hope the fresh air will relax you. You breathe deeply, and look around, telling yourself you’re taking in the view, but really you know you’re looking for him, hiding somewhere.
He NEVER shows up when you’re actually looking for him, you know that, but Penny…you need him so much right now. You go back to breathing before you cry
Work is mercifully quiet, you’re able to go out back and take a drink of water or recollect yourself at intervals without anyone missing you, but the thing about quiet days is you end up with
That bitch. The I-want-to-see-the-Manager haircut with the blocky blonde streaks. The round, flumpy middle-aged body in the slouchy top. The flat, square ass in the skinny jeans. The tell-tale carrier bag with your store’s name on it, and the receipt dangling from her hand
Oh God. You’re the only one at the counter and she’s seen you and nobody’s coming so you can’t pretend that they’re taking you off so you can go on lunch and oh fuck how are you going to get through this without crying or shouting
“This is the wrong size 12.” You blink. “I’m sorry-what do you…” “I am a size 12, and this size 12 does not fit. I am a size 12 in _, I am a size 12 in _,” she rattles off names, “but in your store a 12 is too tight.” Jesus fucking Christ.
“IS YOUR STORE SUGGESTING I’M FAT?!”
“Oh, we’re not suggesting, ma’am, we’re insisting on it.”
You gasp, looking over her shoulder at the source of the voice (which she hasn’t heard at all). It’s Pennywise, emerging from a circular rack of clothing behind her, like a kid hiding to scare their friends
He’s wearing your uniform shirt over his costume; the puffs are bulging from the sleeves, the pom-poms crushed. His name tag reads BOB
He looks fucking ridiculous, and an instinctive burst of giggles erupt from your mouth. The Bitch is staring at you; stupidly, you try to disguise the giggle as a sneeze, rubbing your nose, “Sorry, getting the sniffles…”
“Is this funny to you?!”
Pennywise is standing behind her now. “Ma’am,” he says, “I assure you, this-“ he waves his hands at her hair, her figure, her clothes-“is a very serious situation. For a start someone appears to have stolen your ass and replaced it with two iPads glued together. And your tits look like they’re trying to escape using a bungee cord.”
Under her dragon-lady glare, you process her refund, but you’re fighting to keep a straight face as Pennywise continues to dance around, roasting her.
“Look on the bright side, you got a refund. It’s more than your mom could get with you.” “Penny!!” you squeak, mortified but wanting to scream with laughter at the same time. The Bitch stuffs her cash into her wallet and departs with a final glare at you. Pennywise goes skipping after her, turning midway to grin devilishly at you. Further down the street, out of sight, you hear a scream and a loud clatter. You can’t hold it in and just make it out back before you burst out laughing, your sides aching, and your head blissfully light-no more heaviness
You don’t see him for the rest of the day, but as you’re locking up for the night, you’re approached by a delivery guy, holding a long thin package. “You’re not Y/N, are you?” he asks. “Er, yeah…” You sign for the package, which is big but reasonably light, and leave. You set it down on a bench and open it, to see if it’s something you can fold into your bag, maybe. You lift the lid on twelve deep crimson roses, with long smooth stems, the petals wide and plush. The scent is gorgeous. Disposing of the box, you carry the roses home in your arms, your co-workers casting awed glances after you.
The walk home in the dusk, sniffing your lovely flowers, you feel like you’re floating. When you turn onto your street, there’s another surprise. White balloons with some inner light making them glow line the path to your building, swaying in the breeze. Two sit on either side of your front door, the printing on them saying WELCOME HOME
You almost run through the front door and into your apartment, all your misery from this morning a distant memory. Your beloved clown is here, waiting for you
You don’t see him when you get in; it’s only when you hear the door close all by itself that you start to turn, but he’s swept you up into his arms in an instant, giggling. His baby blue eyes and his rabbity toothy smile fill your face and you’re squealing thank yous and oh my gods and you cover his cheek with kisses as he laughs.
“There’s my girl!” he says, as you calm down and beam into his face, happiness swelling you like his white balloons. “There’s my girl.”
He carries you into the bedroom, like he’s carrying his bride over the threshold. He sets you down on the ground and gently takes your roses from you and sets them on the bed. Then, he slowly peels off your clothes, piece by piece. He watches what he’s doing, he’s careful.
It’s not lustful, it’s loving-kind, almost, but that dirty smirk never quite leaves his face.
He picks you up again and carries you to the bathroom, where a steaming hot bath is waiting. He lowers you into the water, soaking his gloves and sleeves in the process but not minding. Keeping you sat up, he washes your hair, using the lather to soap your arms. He wraps his arms around you and holds you whilst washing your limbs. You close your eyes, lean back into his chest, he doesn’t seem to mind that he’s getting drenched. He lowers his face to your stretched neck and starts to kiss you, moving down across your shoulder. His hand glides down your belly, under the surface of the water. He touches your core, but again, it’s not lustful, he’s just massaging you. You open your eyes and he’s watching you, as if waiting for approval. A pause.
Your stomach growls into the silence, snapping the suspense like a bubble. You both start laughing, and you realise you’re famished, your stomach actually hurts from making that stupid rumble.
Laughing still, he picks you up out of the tub and wraps a towel around you. “Patience, my pet…” As if on cue your buzzer goes. He vanishes, and is gone for a couple of minutes. As you dry yourself, waiting, you hear a car door slam outside and brakes scream as it roars away as fast as it can. You come out of the bathroom and find the table covered in a cloth, your roses in a vase in the centre, tea lights arranged in a circle around it-and a stack of takeout boxes. All your favourites.
He’s standing there grinning at you; he raises one hand and clicks his fingers theatrically. Your TV clicks suddenly into life, Netflix proudly displaying itself on the screen. Your bedroom light clicks on at the same time, revealing the bed, magically free of your clothes. He puts a hand behind his back, and brings it back out with a pile of clothing in it, neatly folded, bound together with a black ribbon. You take it from him, untie it and shake it out.
Black silk pyjamas and a matching robe. You fling the towel off, and slip them on, beaming, thrilling at the feel of the silk against your soft bath-warm body. Finally, you manage to speak.
“Where-where did you get all this?”
He shrugs. “I haven’t a clue.” He produces something else from behind his back-a wallet. “Ask The Bitch; she bought it all”. He shakes it in his hand, his famous grin widening.
“Although,” he continues, “I forgot to get any dessert…” he looks you up and down.
You meet his gaze and smirk. “Well,” you say, “you’ll do.”