If the captains worked for Urahara...
As requested by zarosspower. :)
Let’s pretend that each of the captains was forced to work for Urahara at his shop. Possibly because they lost a bet with someone. How would each of them do?
1. Ukitake: Has a habit of giving away the merchandise
Urahara: Uh, Ukitake? I’m going to need you to stop giving away free candy from my store!
Ukitake: But the kids are all so cute though!
2. Tosen: Is not fooled by Urahara’s front
Urahara: Whelp, here we are! At my simple candy shop!
Tosen: This is not a simple candy shop.
Urahara: Sure it is! Just look at all the harmless candy!
Tosen: I can see through facades to what lies within.
Tosen: And what I’m getting from this shop is….a whole lot of contraband?
Urahara: Ha ha, what?
3. Soi Fon: Keeps very detailed records
Urahara: Uh, Tessai? Why is Soi Fon in one of your kido boxes?
Tessai: Turns out she was keeping a detailed record of everything you did and said, boss. Hoping to get you arrested either by human authorities or by Soul Society.
Tessai: So I just mentioned to her that your only contraband is from Soul Society, so the human authorities have no laws about it, and Soul Society pretty much gives you a free pass.
Tessai: She was upset. Murderous words were uttered. I used kido.
Urahara: Wow, these records of hers are so detailed!
Urahara: Do you think she’d want to stay on full time?
Tessai: I think even now she is trying to murder you with her eyes.
Urahara: Hmmm. Maybe not, then.
4. Kenpachi: Just wants to fight
Urahara: Oh, good job in stacking up that inventory, Kenpachi!
Kenpachi: Thanks. Now let’s fight!
Urahara: A simple shopkeeper like me? Stand up to the Kenpachi? I’m flattered, but I just don’t think I’d be much of a challenge for you!
Kenpachi: I’ve seen that giant underground room of yours. What’s it for if not for fighting?
Urahara: Overflow merchandise?
Kenpachi: I’m suspicious.
5. Rose: Doesn’t do much work
Urahara: Uh, Rose? I thought I asked you to clean up these empty boxes?
Rose: And I will, don’t worry.
Rose: I’m just waiting for the proper dramatic moment.
Urahara: The proper dramatic moment….to stack boxes?
Urahara: And the magazine you’re reading?
Rose: To pass the time while I wait for that proper dramatic moment.
6. Gin: Does all the work
Tessai: Something wrong, boss?
Urahara: Ichimaru sure is working hard.
Urahara: Very hard.
Urahara: Doing everything I ask, really.
Urahara: And he asks me bonding questions all the time, too.
Tessai: So he’s planning to kill you, then?
Urahara: I’m like 98% sure that’s the case.
7. Unohana: Somehow ends up in charge
Urahara: Um, Unohana? Are you rearranging my displays?
Unohana: I think this display should go behind that one.
Unohana: Don’t you agree?
Urahara: O-oh, sorry! I got overawed and forget to say yes! Yes, whatever you think best!
Unohana: Strange man.
8. Kyoraku: Is nowhere to be found
Urahara: N-Nanao? What are you doing here?
Nanao: Doing the work while my captain naps - as usual!
Urahara: I was WONDERING why that closet was snoring!
9. Shinji: Likes to greet customers
Urahara: Hey, Hirako, can you do me a favor?
Shinji: Sure, what?
Urahara: When customers come into the store, could you not greet them by floating upside down in the sky?
Urahara: Children have been crying. Parents screaming. It’s just creeping everybody out.
Shinji: Wait, it’s creepy when I float down to people from the sky?
Urahara: Um, yes?
Shinji: That explains so much.
10. Byakuya: Adds his own touches
Urahara: Uh…Kuchiki? What are you doing?
Byakuya: I am hanging promotional material so that this filthy shop can scrape together what it needs to survive.
Urahara: Promotional material for…Admiral Seaweed merchandise?
Urahara: But, uh, we don’t sell that here.
Byakuya: Not yet.
11. Kensei: Works very hard
Urahara: You sure are working hard, Muguruma!
Urahara: Cleaning, restocking, selling merchandise…
Kensei: That’s why I was hired, wasn’t it?
Urahara: In your cool frilly apron…
Kensei: Your shop is very dusty.
Urahara: Other than yelling at my kids to smile more, you’re the best employee ever!
Kensei: It’s called being enthusiastic!
12. Hitsugaya: Works very hard
Hitsugaya: W-wait a sec….all of you are just sitting around!
Hitsugaya: WHY AM I DOING LITERALLY ALL THE WORK IN THIS PLACE?!?
Urahara: It seemed to be making you happy!
Hitsugaya: …how does this always happen to me?
13. Komamura: Stays in the back
Komamura: I don’t understand why Urahara has me only work in the back room.
Komamura: I was so looking forward to meeting the children who frequent his shop.
Tessai: You are a giant talking wolf.
Komamura: Are we changing the subject?
14. Yamamoto: …
Urahara: Are you…polishing those windows with your beard?
Urahara: I’m just gonna walk away.
15. Aizen: Steals, mostly
Urahara: What’s in the bag, Aizen?
Aizen: What bag?
Urahara: The bag you just hid behind your back.
Aizen: It is nothing.
Urahara: Are you stealing my inventions again?
Aizen: Why would I do that? I have plenty of inventions of my own.
Urahara: Give them back, Aizen.
16. Kurotsuchi: Tries to take over
Urahara: You built a lab.
Urahara: In my private underground chamber.
Urahara: And you haven’t been answering ANY of the phones I planted on you.
Kurotsuchi: I had to electrocute myself a few times, but they eventually all stopped ringing.
Urahara: I sense that you’re not super happy about being my subordinate again.
Kurotsuchi: Now why would you say that?