stoned fruit

Man okay when I got my wisdom teeth out it was a fucking experience. Before the surgery wasn’t too interesting but as soon as I woke up I saw the nurse next to me and was all like “hey… i think… i died… and now I’m in a parallel universe… and i gotta go back to my house and kill the me from this universe” and he was just kinda like “alright, you do that”. And then the other nurse kept going in and out of the room to get things and I thought there was like 5 of her that kept coming out of the room, and then so when she was wheeling me out in a wheelchair I was like “damn… why are there so many of you… there’s like 5 many of you” and she was just kinda like “alright, you do that”.

Anyway I got to the car and my dad was there and he was like “how ya feeling son” in the dadliest way possible and I was like “MAN I AM PUMPED LETS GET SOME JUICE I’M STARVED” so we drove about 3 blocks to a jamba juice, whereupon I say “I’m good I can do this” and run/drunkstumble 30 feet to the door. I burst in the door like a viking returning from some fucking battle and holler “WHATS UP FUCKS” to everyone in the store, which was thankfully just the 2 people behind the counter, who looked probably as scared/confused as a jamba juice employee could look.

So anyway, as my dad explained the situation I looked up at the jamba juice menu and was utterly fucking lost in it. Like I swear I was looking at this menu board for a year, deciphering this Rosetta stone of fruits. I distinctly remember that I was looking at each item in a smoothie, thinking of how it tasted, then moving on to the next thing and thinking of how that tasted, and how they would taste together. Since most smoothies had 3 or 4 items, this took some thinking. So my dad sees me in this extreme brain blast state of mind and says “hey are you going to order or what”. Keep in mind I’m on the first fucking smoothie on the list here. So I just say “shush man I’m trying to do fruit science”, and then when I realized that this process could take literal years, I just said “yeah give me a smooth regular” which for the uninitiated, isn’t actually a real thing on any menu. Oh, also I asked them if the “boosted” smoothies would give me super powers and then pointed my fingers at them and made “lightning noises”.

So my dad just orders me the first thing on the menu and I go to sit down and stare out the window or some shit and my thoroughly amused dad just looks at me and says “how ya feelin?”. Now at this time I was feeling a lot of things, but most noticeable to me was the gauze in my mouth, so I just look at him and say “there’s these fuckin… tiny sheep in my head” which at the time was the best way I had to convey this feeling. Anyway about that time, the jamba juice guy brings us our drinks and he gives me a small thing of mario kart stickers and I swear I almost cried from the tsunami of emotion that gift made me feel (I still have them).

Anyway the rest of the story is we drove home and I explained this programming project I was working on to my dad in perfect detail somehow and then I came home and went on facebook and posted a comment on my friends status (because I couldn’t find the status update bar) that read: “i just took a lort of painkillers and yelled at everyone in a jambo juice”

2012 Treana White Blend

My snaggle tooth approves of this wine. White flowers, nuts, honey, and some waxy stone fruit on the nose. Apricots and donut peaches on the palate with honey and raw nut mix. This is a very nice Marsanne from Paso Robles. Good entry to the style and grape. 

4/5 bones


Marsanne, Viognier

14.5% abv

Central Coast, California, USA


Wow, I took a month off and everything went crazy around here.  Hello to all my new followers!  I actually made three pies over Christmas, two cherry pies and one egg nog tart, but I was too lazy and busy to bother photographing them.  Also there are only so many cherry pies a person can look at before they become boring.  I mean, theoretically.  I have yet to reach that number, but I’m sure it exists.

Today’s midweek mini pie is brought to you by a terrible head cold, a day off work, and a gigantic box of organic nectarines that got delivered to my household last week.  I figured I should make ‘em small, since probably cooking for other people while you have the plague is a bit of a faux pas, and I wasn’t sure I could eat a whole pie myself.  Having actually tasted this, though, I reckon I could.  It’s sooo goooood.

The nectarines are sweet and juicy and perfect, and I added just a little sugar, a splash of bourbon and a drizzle of maple syrup to make the sauce for the filling, plus a couple of tablespoons of cornflour.  The pastry is a mini batch of my usual pie crust, I just halved the quantities.

Being sick is THE WORST but fresh summer stone fruit and pastry seems like a good antidote, or at least a nice distraction.  A quick and easy entry back into my fifty pies project, and not a bad start to 2017 - the year of the pie!

2016 Château Gassier “Le Pas du Moine” Rosé

Fresh out of the vineyard, kinda like me busting through these flowers to get my paws on some rosé! Bouquet of whit and pink flowers, strawberries, peaches, guava, mangoes, and the flesh of really ripe red/orange bell peppers. A bit tropical on the palate with strawberries, stony minerality mid-palate, and a lingering guava/tropical fruit finish. Not your typical stone fruit rosé and perhaps a bit pricey, but otherwise a nice wine. 

3/5 bones


Cinsaut,Grenache, Syrah

13% abv

Côtes de Provence, FRANCE

Little Hyperfixation Things Part 2 (Annoying Edition)

Spending money on your HF because you convinced yourself that you would be this interested in This Thing forever.

When a package arrives and you open it and “crap I forgot I bought this I don’t even care about this anymore”.

When your family tries to buy you a gift that lined up with your HF but they’re 3 months late and you forgot all about the old Thing.

When you hyperfixate on a tv show with only one season and you have to WAIT?????

People teasing you for being obsessive and you’re just like “you have no idea.”

Have work to do? No you have to read the Wikipedia page for stone fruits. You need this information. Immediately.

Need to sleep? Oh, no. You’re hyperfixated on the French Revolution and are writing an AU Fic that will never be completed.

When someone calls your HF boring and you MUST PROVE THEM WRONG!

Or! When someone calls your HF boring and you’re like: “……….shit ur right.”

Trying to hyperfixate on your school work never seems to work.

When teachers say: “I can tell you’re smart but you have to focus on school work!!!” And you’re like:“BITCH HOW??”

Two words: Eye Strain.

Part one here:

2016 M. Chapoutier Les Vignes de Bila-Haut Rosé

Yeah, it’s that kinda day. A loungin’ by the pool, sippin’ rosé kinda day. This beautiful pink hue is what summer’s about, y’all! Fresh red berries, stone fruit, even some orange blossoms and pink florals on the nose. Aromatic on the palate with peaches, strawberries, and blood orange. 

3/5 bones


Grenache, Syrah

13% abv

Pays d’Oc, FRANCE

anonymous asked:

Do you know any easy protection spell from malicious entities?

Take a bit of ash, salt, and moist dirt. Mix them together.  

With it, mark the top of your head, then mark the bottom of your feet. 

“Black earth that feeds the roots
 And lifeless flame turned to soot
 And the bitter sea’s stone fruit,
 I bid ye protect all that stands
 between my crown and boot

 And if it come from Heaven,
 or if it come from Hell,
 send it back into its home, 
 for safely ‘twixt the two I dwell.”  

Hello everyone! It’s been a few days, hasn’t it? Have you missed me? Of course you have, you’ve been living off of cup noodles and vending machine cheetos since you don’t have Taako to lead you to culinary enlightenment.  Well bad news, fellas - Taako still ain’t back yet, not for real.  I know, a tragedy. But don’t fear, food fans! I heard it was @tazladyweek, so while I’m out of the office, I thought it’d only be appropriate to bring on one of my favorite girls, best students, and biggest fans! She saw my show and was inspired to pick up the spatula and wand, and made her way to the town of Refuge, where she now runs the bar at the best (and only…) hot spot in town - The (soon to be famous, I’m sure) Davy Lamp! So, I’ll hand this over to the one and only Ren! She’ll take fabulous care of you, and I’ll catch you all later! Peace! 


Wow! Hi everyone! It’s Ren! Ren the dark elf! From Refuge! Which is a town that I live in. Uh, wow, ok, this is really uncomfortable huh? Taako makes this whole “charismatic chef/tv host” thing look easy. Um, ok, starting over. Hi I’m Ren! I’m so excited that Taako asked me to share a recipe with you all! It’s one of the first original recipes I made, back when I was still living in the Underdark! 

In the Underdark, we didn’t really have, uh, easy access to a lot of ingredients surface folks have. After seeing Taako’s show, I tried copying his recipes but when you live underground in a series of dangerous and deadly caves, obtaining things like fresh produce or spices is no easy quest! So, I had to adapt and create my own recipes, using the stuff I could find back home… which… wasn’t a lot. 

But! Taako and his magic cooking inspired me! So I’m so happy and proud that he asked me to share one of my favorite and first original recipes with you all! The first time I made this, I used cavern spores, mold cheese, and giant cave crab as the main ingredients. I probably would NOT recommend that route (especially if you aren’t a Drow or a Deep Gnome or something - or aren’t good friends with one - to help with the crab situation. Those guys can be nasty when they’re untamed!).  When I moved up to Refuge, I found that regular old mushrooms and non-deadly crabs work just as well, and that cheddar cheese is better than the blocks of mold we’d import in the Underdark… Oh, yeah! And, up here, I found the joys of fresh produce like stone fruit, or mangos! 

Combining the flavors from my old and new homes (and the spark of magic I learned from Taako, of course!), I finally managed to create something I’m really proud of! These bad boys are a happy hour favorite down at the Davy Lamp! I hope you’re excited for today’s dish…

Ren’s Underdark Snack Attack Special! Crab stuffed Mushroom Caps! (With mango salsa!)

I’m excited to get started! 

Keep reading

Langlois Crémant de Loire Brut

Roar! Hangin’ with my feline friend here and this fun crémant bubbly. Waxy lemon and lime notes, pineapple, and grapefruit on the nose. Meyer lemon, ripe pears, apples, peaches, waxy fruit, and stones on the palate. A bit of a lemon bar to this bubbly - tart and sweet at the same time. Like any Chenin, this really calls for food, especially cheese or something fatty. Yum!

4/5 bones


Chenin Blanc, Cabernet Franc, Chardonnay

12.5% abv