Cute chat between Rinn about Finn’s leather jacket and Rae’s thoughts about the mistakes she made and fixed in her life and Linda just being a very embarrassing mum.
Thankyou all so much for waiting and i’m feeling a lot better now, hope everyone had a wonderful holiday/Christmas and Happy New Year emus!.
Rae thought back through the past year, it was a rocky start for the pair, at first they didn’t see eye to eye, she thought he was a complete twat and moody, they became friends after the whole episode with Archie was over, they had many things in common, she saw a different light in Finn.
At the beginning, she wasn’t so sure about him he was annoyingly quiet when ever she was around or he would talk to Chop and blank her, it didn’t change but then her feelings started to become stronger for him, so she stupidly took some bad advice from Danny two-hats which didn’t really work, Finn was pissed at her, moodier than ever and in the closet he demanded to know what he had done wrong to her, she couldn’t say she loved him, that would of sounded so mad and crazy, she would of needed to invent a new name for madness, (the dictionary would read ‘Rae Earl’ under the word ‘Mad’) especially if he didn’t even like her back, so she said and did nothing, things changed again, his nan passed away the night of the party and she was the one to hug him while he cried into her shoulder, they spoke later that night when the party had died down, he said he liked 'talking to her and no body else’, they became even closer that night, a true friendship formed over night .
The day of her mums wedding she fell out with Chloe, 'nothing new but it was a painful day for Rae’, that one page in her battered diary caused so much pain for her and Chloe,she had no one to turn to any more apart from Kester he came through for her, she told everyone her deepest darkest secret, she had held in for so long the backpack of bullshit was finally off her shoulders and out in the open for good, Chop took the news well, he was the first one to start clapping, he understood in his own weird way, he made her smile that night at the disco, he supported her, he wanted to help in his own way and then he proclaimed his love for Izzy, nothing new really it was just a matter of time, the pair where in love for the whole time she had known them, ‘having a couple around you who are in love is a wonderful feeling, it means it does happen in this ‘small fucked up world’.
He left the reception, he told Archie where was going hoping the news would get back to Rae, it did, she found him at the chippy, he was looking hurt or broken hearted she couldn’t tell, ‘why didn’t you tell me?’ he sounded so hurt that she had lied to him, she said she was 'so sorry Finn’ but then he traced out 'I love you’ on her back, she said 'i don’t believe you’, he said ‘i didn’t care if you don’t believe me’, she couldn’t say she loved him back, it seemed to good to be true, they was a slight nerviness between them back to the pub, but it felt so right.
Well then it all started at the bowling ally, the two blokes sat behind them passing snide comments back and forth, talking about the pair, Finn never noticed but Rae did, she had somewhat an eyes for spotting people who where talking about her, it seemed they where all talking about her all the time just because she was different, ‘yeah she is larger then most she got over that a hell of a long time ago, so why couldn’t everyone else do that too its not like she had three heads and a extra arm flapping around’, then there was the start of all the doubts, it became very clear to Rae that Finn wanted her, he gently asked if he could touch her intimately, of course she said yes she had been waiting for so long for this moment, it was the first time anyone other than herself to make her come like that, he planned the caravan, her nerves got the better of her, he slowly unbuttoned the first one on her top she pulled away that was the beginning of the end.
Summer went by in a blur, she couldn’t get naked for him in the caravan or for herself, then college started and her fears were back and the whole trying to accept yourself wasn’t working for her, she tried her hardest to avoid him in college and most of the time it worked and then her mother was right for the first time in about three years, she had to speak to him, tell him her fears, they just kissed, he invited her to stay at his for a very exclusive sleep over, it was her second chance, her Rae armour had legged it behind the sofa and never returned from it’s hiding place ever again, a little while later she questioned herself, he never did say why he liked her in the disabled toilets, she couldn’t understand why he would want to be with her, she was 'a blob, with a gob’ in her eyes, just like her mum, she eventually broke up with him, tears brimmed her eyes as she told him 'i just want to be friends’, they didn’t fit, that was her only excuse in her mind and the stares they didn’t help very much.
He moved on he had a new girlfriend Olivia, the night in the pub when he brought her in, Rae was more than jealous but she had know right to be, she ended it not him, ‘it was for the best’ she repeated that to herself non-stop, watching Olivia drape herself all over him, they didn’t last long she was twenty-four, far to old for him in her eyes, he was her Finn, but she ruined that like everything else, Then like a whiplash he split up with Olivia and decided he couldn’t be in Stamford anymore and moved to Leeds, he came to her house that night before he left, she couldn’t tell him to stay because she wasn’t strong enough for this to happen, not yet, she couldn’t be the strong Rae he wanted or needed.
She broke down after he was gone, Saul came along and brought so much fear into her life that night she still had small panic attacks at the thought, she got away just in time, she was lucky, she and Chloe didn’t speak after that, Chloe was to far gone, drugged up to the nines, Rae didn’t see what was happening to Chloe before it was too late, she was gone just like all the other good things she had in her life, ruined and destroyed.
She couldn’t move on from him, she went to Liam ;big mistake, he used her, for his needs only and she took it as a different way to selfharm but with no scars or lasting damage, the damage was already done and swirling around up in her head, becoming darker and darker. She was all alone again in the big bad world but this time she had put herself there, she paid the price for her mistakes, she watched as he moved from her, rolling over in the tiny bed barely big enough for him let alone the both of them, she cried herself to sleep listening to his breathing and loud snores, she was hopeless no one could save her now, this was the end, she had finally hit rock bottom.
Her mum and sister where so ill and in life threatening danger, they pulled through, he came back for her, she didn’t how he knew she needed him but he was there in the darkest moment, her life changed for the better that day, she had a family, she helped her mum, she brought Chloe back, they fought there demons together and got back to college, together as best friends supporting each other every step of the way, She plucked up the courage to tell Liam she just wanted to be friends, the gang was back together, Chop stood up for Archie, Izzy said sorry to Archie and Chop, Chop and Izzy had a little reunion, then he walked in and change her life and thoughts, her brain went fuzzy, she was putty in his hand the way he stepped throw the pub door striding straight towards her, she had a small doubt, but something came over her, she was strong when she had Finn by her side she could do this for both of them but mainly and mostly just for herself, he slipped the tatty gown off of her shoulders revealing her naked form, she was strong.
That’s how she now ended up with a little more confidence, knowing that Finn would always want her, not matter what her size was, or how she looked, he loved her just the way she was.
Finn’s jacket actually fitted her, here she stood in front of Finn, his jacket firmly on and firmly still in tact, no rips or brakes at the seams.
She was happy, more than happy, over the moon in fact, it was a crappy old jacket but it belonged to Finn so she loved it too.
She had gained some more confidence in the short time they had become a couple again.
He helped, he was her light at the end of the tunnel.
Her knight in shinning armour, even though she never would admit it to his face, she could tell he already had an idea that he was.
She had zipped it half way up because well, yes she had a little larger figure but the ‘boulder’s’ as she called them where definitely in the way. She walked fast down the freezing cold Lincolnshire street, twisting her scarf around her neck and slipping on her woollen gloves, she was heading straight for the heavy pub door, to a waiting Finn.
His eyebrows had shot up under his fringe when she walked in, he knew he left it at her’s again, but that was for Rae because she said it smelt like him, he understood that, he had some of her things in his room too.
He never expected her to wear it though, she had reservations about his cloths not fitting her, but she proved herself wrong and he always loved it when he was right and she was wrong.
He pecked her on the lips as she sat down next to him, his hand went straight to hers, fingers knotted under the table.
“Stealing my stuff now?”
“Nope, just borrowing it, it’s freezing outside, anyway you steal my things!” She smiled sweetly.
“Like what Rae?”
“My Blur album, Stone roses album, that letter you was never meant to read (the love letter she wrote him was firmly secured to his wall next to his bed) and that stupid little troll with pink hair, why would you even steal that from me?” she ask curiously.
“It’s just like memory’s, the first time i was ever in your old room was that party Chop throw and it was just there on the shelf just staring at me and just had to have it and coz of the time i found it under the bed in your new room, stuffed into a box when i was exploring plus it was right after our first night together, hmm good memory” he scrunched his nose up at her.
“whatever dickhead” she smiled shyly walking to the bar.
Drinks always flowed like every normal afternoon for the gang, slow banter between them, just a normal day like know other, life changes, that was one thing Rae had learnt, she stepped other every single barrier in her way, she tripped and caught Finn’s hand he was always there to hold her hand, he could even find her under the table without looking, he knew when she needed his hand in hers, when she had those bad days, where she couldn’t see any way out, Finn was there with a bar of chocolate, her favourite film and a lot of cuddles, he was good to snuggle on the sofa with, the way his arm would automaticly come around her waist when she laid down next to him or the way he would stroke her hair, he was a big part of her life now.
His jacket was one thing but when he had her in his arms talking softly into her ear in the middle of the pub that was a truly amazing thing, they had come so far to get to this stage, it started with a peck on the lips in the pub, to a quick make out session in the chippy toilets before college, they where having fun, finding out new things about each other and the way each other ticked, he had been sworn to secrecy to never mention the back seat of his car again, ‘well that was a whole different story, someone from the gang spotted something more then they bargained for in the pub car park’.
His jacket had come handy, it covered her when it rained, it was a pillow in the park, or she used it to sit on when the grass was damp, it kept her warm and it kept Finn warm when he did manage to steal it back, well eventually he had it for a flying visit.
She wore it most of the time, he realised one day that the whole lending her the jacket thing was his way of gifting it to her or claiming her as his, it was his thing, like marking her skin when she didn’t have the chance to stop push away or if she was to far gone she didn’t notice till the next day, he usually legged it before she punched him in the arm.
He secretly loved to snuggle to, he never said it but when he needed a cuddle and Rae wasn’t there he walked to her house and climbed the side wall to her window, she would let him in without a single word and go back to bed to cuddle and in the morning when he wanted to talking she would listen to him like when he listened to her.
The cuddle was done and sleep had taken over the house, it was quiet and everyone was sleeping until the baby would wake early in the morning.
Rae’s bedroom door slammed open, her mum walked straight in glancing at the pair fully clothed still in bed.
“Morning darling, morning Finn” she smiled placing a pile of clean clothes on the table.
“Morning” Rae mumbled into her pillow
“Morning Mrs B”
“Finn call me Linda please, your sleeping with my daughter where on a more personal level now”
“MUM!” Rae screeched, her mum knew just how to embarrass her.
“What! Rae I’m not stupid, i know what you’ve both been doing, i was once young like you both and let me tell you about the time i….”
Rae shot her mum a death glare to get out.
“All im saying is i was young and care free once, just be safe and don’t be stupid, I’m to young to be a grandmother yet” Linda pointed her finger at the pair making her point known and shut the door behind her.
The pair looked at each other and broke out into a fit of giggles.
“oh my god, she can still be more embarrassing then that ya know” she jumped out of bed and wondered over to put some music on, she looked over to see Finn stretched out on her bed.
“i didn’t think it would be anymore possible then that girl, she basically just said she knows what we’ve done it feels like she can see us or somet…creepy”. he laughed hoping she really couldn’t.
“Hey!, that’s mine give it back Finn!” Rae shouted as she walked into her room, Finn was stood in front of the mirror wearing her jacket she claimed from him.
“But it’s mine Rae” he crossed his arms, he was going to win this one, he only wanted to wear to the pub.
“Please Finn you would if you loved me” she had this in the bag, he could never resist that.
“Don’t do this Rae not tonight please just lend me it okay?”
“Fine but i want it back Finley!”
Finn laughed zipping up his jacket he had no intention of returning this, he would get her completely drunk tonight and she wouldn’t remember a thing about it in the morning.
She did forget, just like he knew she would, for almost three weeks he had his old leather jacket back.
Rae wasn’t happy he stole her jacket thinking she wouldn’t know this but she did she noticed most things, if something had been moved in her room or if Finn wore a different spray, she had a new favourite jacket the red chequered thing Finn had stashed a the back of his cupboard, it wasn’t the same though.
It was a warm sunny day the gang decided a trip to the park would be nice and brought a few beers for the afternoon too.
The girls had just sat down after finding the ice cream van which seemed to take much longer then usual, they were chatting about college when they noticed the boys had arrived.
“Finn put her down for fuck sake!, come play footy” Chop shouted from the middle of the field the boys from college had joined them for a match and waiting for Finn who currently wouldn’t stop snogging Rae half to death.
“Alright, alright i’m coming Chop!” he gave Rae one last kiss and dropped his leather jacket and ran to the boys. The girls chatted about Chloe’s up coming date she had on Friday with a very nice boy called Joe he worked with Chop so she knew he was safe to know otherwise Chop would have a word he became protective of her after the talk the gang had about where Chloe had been, he was like the big brother she never had, but she hated it when he turned up at her last date that wasn’t a good look for her, the boys where still playing it was nearly four Rae had an idea to get the jacket she had to leave unnoticed by Finn.
“Guys I’ve got to go, look ill meet you all at the pub later, tell Finn he’s unlucky and he’s not getting it back” she picked up his jacket and her bag and left.
Rae wondered home slipping into his jacket she loved it, she had won, she laughed to herself thinking of reason to tell Finn he couldn’t have it back again.
Finn jogged over he hadn’t noticed Rae had left, she said she would wait till he was done but she was gone, Chloe explained she needed to go and told him he was unlucky and he wouldn’t be getting it back and that he knows what Rae’s talking about, he looked around searching for his jacket all he could see was his cig tin and his lighter next to it.
— He jogged up the stairs Linda had let him in like she always did, she had mentioned something about giving him a key and the front door may as well be a revolving door.
The door swung open he stepped in and closed it behind him.
“that’s belongs to me” he sat down watching her sorting through her CD’s.
“Don’t you think the time has come for it to have a new owner?” Rae turned around.
“no i quit like my jacket Rae”
“but don’t you think it suits me better” she twirled around.
“you look lovely Rae, but i want it as well” he stood up walking closer to her.
“so you don’t want the gift i bought you earlier this is why i had to leave” she opened her cupboard and pulled out a bag and handed it to Finn.
“what is it?” he took the bag looking inside.
“i thought you could use that one and i could use your old one” she reasoned.
Finn pulled out a jacket that was slightly different to his old one, he looked up at Rae and grinned, he had been looking at the jacket before a few weeks ago when they had been on a small shopping trip.
“so is that a deal?”
“it’s a deal Rae” they grinned stupidly at each other.
a/n:so i didn’t really think I’d ever get another fic out. I’ve been trying for weeks to write something of the fandom. This isn’t much but It’s something. I miss writing for you guys, and I miss being in loop with all the fanfic. So yeah…. Here you go it’s just over 2,000 owrds.
I thought I’d have a go at writing a mmfd fanfic. Its not very good especially compared to all the others I’ve read before but I thought I’d post it anyway.
New places are always daunting and scary for anyone, but Rae found it particularly difficult to start out somewhere new. Its the fear of the unknown isn’t it. People might not accept you and judge you and that’s what scared her the most. She didn’t want college to be like her high school experience from when she’d stayed in leeds. Rae wasn’t strong enough to make it through that again. She almost didn’t but that was in the past now. Lincolnshire was her new start,a chance for things to get better. I mean they had to right?
It had been a week since Rae,Linda and Karim had moved to Lincolnshire and they were starting to settle nicely. Linda wasn’t exactly shy or quiet and so she’d already started getting to know people in the small town of Stamford. Karim of course was on house arrest,he couldn’t risk being caught by immigration,and Rae,well she wasn’t sure she liked it here. It was better than Leeds though,the people there were so horrible.
Although Rae had met one person that was nice to her. She’d made her weekly trip to her favourite record shop when she’d bumped into him. Finn Nelson,sex god and expert moistener of lady gardens. She even supposed he’d be a sex wizard, I mean he had to looking like he did. He had the most beautiful tousled , messy brown hair that fell perfectly on his forehead, gorgeous brown eyes that you could get lost in , a sprinkle of freckles along his nose and on his cheeks under his eyes a beautiful smile that you couldn’t help but return. That’s not to mention he also had an arse she wanted to bite into like a violent dog.
Anyway enough about how he looked although you really could go on for hours.
She was reaching for a stone roses album when a hand got there before hers . She looked up to see what she thought to be the most stunning boy in all of leeds and the surrounding areas gazing back at her with an apologetic smile on his face. “Ehm sorry , i eh didn’t notice you , sorry ” he stutered . She managed to mumble out a “s'alright ” before she noticed his hand reached out to introduce himself as Finn . She took his hand in hers and introduced herself and when they touched it felt electric , she felt like her hand belonged in his and she didn’t ever want to let go but she figured she had to or he’d get freaked out and so she quickly withdrew it and folded her arms across her chest , self concious
. “You like oasis then” he said motioning to her top , “You could say that yeah” , Finn snorted a laugh a laugh and gave her shy smile . “So d'ya come here often then” he asked , “Oh not really only every friday ” , “ I see so not much then” he said laughing lightly , making Rae giggle .
They both fell into easy conversation and completely lost track of time only to be intterupted by the shop owner telling them he was shutting up shop for his lunch break . “ Wow that time already , we’ve been here for ages ” Rae mused , “ Oh do you have somewhere to be or summat ” , “No why ? Do you ? ” she replied noticing the dissapointed look on his face change to an adorable smile . “Uh no , do you wanna go to the cafe or somethng maybe , you know you don’t have to , only if you’d like , i’m not both… ” , “Finn , i’d love to ” Rae interrupted and Finn couldn’t help but let a huge grin spread across his face as he looked up at her through his long eye lashes .
They walked to the cafe in a comfortable silence but Rae couldn’t help but feel like everyone was staring at them in shock,silently judging and wondering why he’d be seen with her, because she couldn’ t help but think the same. She shoved the thoughts to the back of her mind though as they strode into the cafe and sat at a table in the corner.
They sat for hours , drinking, laughing , talking about music and teasing each other on their tastes and just getting to know each other. Finn soon learned that once Rae was comfortable with you she never shut up. He liked it though, he could listen to her talk for hours, usually loud girls who talk all the time annoy Finn but with Rae it was different, there was something about her.
“You Mr Nelson have just proved I know more about music, I did for a moment think you could be winning but reggae, are you for real, I’d rather see my neighbour Mrs Dewhurts credentials than listen to that shit and she, I’ll have you know is old, very old” Rae screwed her face up in disgust at the thought of that image. Finn burst out laughing “come on its not that bad, its better than the Backstreet boys ” , “Alright, I’ll give you that one” Rae laughed “anything beats the Backstreet boys” , “Now there’s something we agree on ” Finn replied.
He couldn’t help but stare at Rae, her raven hair falling gently on her shoulders, her big beautiful brown eyes full of expression and life from their conversation, her cute button nose, and her full plump lips. He also couldn’t help but look at her noticably large breasts but didn’t want to seem like a perv so he returned his eyes to her lips thinking of how he just wanted to put his to hers . Maybe he could he thought as he leaned across the table ever so slightly.
He’s been staring for quite a while Rae thought , maybe her hair was a mess or there was something on her face , oh god did she have something on her nose she worried as she wiped her face self concious . Wait , was he looking at her lips , Rae couldn’t help but think that maybe Finn wanted to kiss her and so she gently and subtly moved her face closer to his . They were about to share a kiss when they noticed someone approach the table , standing over them .
Finn looked up to see his dad , “eh da what you doing here” , he asked with a hint of anger and confusion in his voice . “Ive been looking everywhere for you son , its time to go , if we leave now we’ll miss the rush ” his father Gary replied as he glanced at the attractive young girl sat opposite his son. “Can’t we leave tomorrow dad , then you can relax and we’ll be up early to leave in the morning” Finn pleaded,surprising himself . Gary was taken a back by this , Finn han’t stopped getting on at him to go home and now he wants to stay , this girl is special he thought . “ Sorry son but were all packed up, its time to go ” he said firmly , causing a sigh to escape from Finn . “ Can you give me a minuet to say goodbye to Rae ” he asked , “Ok but just a minuet , bye love nice to meet you ” his dad replied before walking out the cafe .
“Sorry to have kept you , you said you didn’t have anywhere to be ” said Rae . “No don’t be sorry it wasn’t your fault , i jus forgot is all , i got caught up i guess ” Finn said shyly whilst looking at the ground . “So i guess this is goodbye ” Rae breathed unable to hide her dissapointment . “Yeah look i had a really great time today , i only wish we’d met sooner , your a great girl Rae , dont forget that ” Finn confessed looking right into her eyes before returning them to the floor .
“You too, your about the only person here who’s been nice to me, it was really lovely to have met you and I’ve really enjoyed today” Rae said feeling a sadness growing in te pit of her stomach. “Anyway, I best be off” Finn replies scratching his ear “can’t keep him waiting, maybe I’ll see you again someday” he wished. “Maybe” Rae smiled , “goodbye then” she said awkwardly shuffling not quite sure what to do . “Bye Rae Earl” he whispered to her as he kissed her cheek before leaving, his head down and hands in his pockets.
Rae had thought of Finn every day since they’d met and she couldn’t help but wonder what might have happened if he didn’t have to leave that day. There was no point dwelling on the past though she thought, she’d never see him again anyway. To take her mind off him she decided to pick out an outfit for her first day of college tomorrow. She was so nervous, she wasn’t sure that she was ready for college but she had to go. “It won’t be like last time” she soothed “this is a new place with new people, you’ll be fine Rae”.
In the end she decided on her oasis t-shirt, jeans, her leather jacket and her favorite red converse. It was very similar to the outfit she wore the day she met Finn but she wasn’t thinking about him. “RAE” Linda yelled breaking Rae from her trance. “Ugh what is it mum” she moaned as she trudged downstairs. She walked into the kitchen to see her mum, livid, white as a ghost due to being covered in flour and karim in the corner trying not to laugh. Rae tried her best to keep a straight face but seeing her mum glaring at her the way she looked she erupted with laughter setting karim off. “Oh you find this funny do you Rae?” Linda questioned,“lets see how funny you find this” she said before pouring the remains of the bag of flour over Rae. “MUM” she exclaimed, “I didn’t do it on purpose, I musn’t have put the flour away properly earlier after making YOU pancakes, now I’m gonna have to change” she growled before turning to storm away upstairs. “Ugh where do you think your going,you can clean this up and don’t ever bother answering me back, so long as you live in my house you live by my rules” Linda said firmly causing Rae to roll her eyes having heard that statement about a million times. “We get you cleaned” Karim tried with a cheeky look on his face . “Oh” Linda exclaimed gigling before dragging Karim up to their bedroom not caring for getting cleaned up in the bathroom , almost knocking Rae off her feet as she made her way to the kitchen. “Ugh disgusting, she’ll put a bloody hip out at her age” she mumbled away to herself .
The night had came and gone quicker than Rae would’ve liked and now she was lying in bed thinking of what tomorrow might bring. God she hoped people would be nice, everyone will be in the same boat she thought,its everyone elses first day of collage too.I hope theres people like Finn at stamford college she thought before drifting off to sleep dreaming of him.
The bright morning sun stung Rae’s eyes and she had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. Shit the day is actually here,the first day of college. She got up and showered before putting on her previously chosen outfit and headed downstairs. Deciding to skip breakfast she asked her mum to take her, its now or never she thought.
The journey was quiet most of the way before Linda broke the silence “how you feeling my lovely, you nervous” she asked turning her eyes to Rae concerned before returning them to the road .“Yeah a bit i suppose” Rae said not wanting to say much more . “Im really proud of you Rae , after everything youve been through the past few months id have never thought you’d be ready for college but i know your strong and you can do it ”
Linda said hoping her daughter believed her words.
As soon as Rae closed the door of the car waving goodbye to her mum everything seemed to slow down. Everything seemed huge in comparison to Rae, the building, the masses of people all flowing in the door with a buzz of excitement and nervousness in the air that Rae wasnt a part of. I don’t belong here she thought , i cant do this.
She felt the familiar fire and panic rise in her chest and her breath came out in short ragged bursts. Just count to 10 Rae she told herself you can do this. A soothing voice dragged her from her thoughts and she turned to see an attractive boy looking at her concerned ,he had soft looking brown hair, glasess and the sweetest smile.
“Are you ok” he asked . “Yeah uh just nervous i guess” Rae replied . “Thats understandable , everyones nervous on thier first day , im Archie , im in second year, let me walk you in ” he smiled . Rae instantly felt calmer in his presence and thought maybe this wouldnt be so bad after all .
Fanfic request!! What if Rae try's to follow kesters advice and breaks up with Finn but he's not having any of it and keeps trying to get her back
He looked so happy when he saw me, and I felt my heart cracking to bits. I let him kiss me before he sat down, but then I moved a little further away from him. He noticed.
“Everything alright, Rae?”
I wanted to cry right then and there but I made myself promise that I would wait until I wasn’t around him anymore. I wouldn’t be crying over just losing him, I’d be crying over losing all of them. I knew once I told him, the others would never want to hang out with me over him.
“No.” I couldn’t breath very well, but I powered on. "Finn, I can’t see you anymore.“
He laughed. ”That’s funny Rae, but seriously what’s wrong?”
"I’m not joking! Look, you…us, this thing we have going on is setting me back in my therapy. It’s keeping me sick and I don’t want to be sick anymore.”
I’d made up the justification on my walk over to the park. I couldn’t tell him the truth; that the stares at school were too much for me. He’d never understand.
He stared at me with a confused look. “Thing? You mean our relationship?”
“No, please Rae, please don’t do this. If I’m keeping you sick, tell me how to stop! I’ll try to help you the best I can, just please don’t do this.” He was begging me and I wanted to crumble and say okay but part of learning to like myself was to hold my ground.
“I can’t, I’m so sorry.” And I was sorry. Because before I met him I thought I was always the one who got hurt, even if I did it to myself. But now as I looked at him I could tell I had hurt him. He dropped his head in his hands and his legs were bouncing nervously. Then, as though he turned a switch, he stopped moving and looked at me.
“I’m not giving up on us. So take your time to try and get yourself back on track, and just know that I’m going no where.” He kissed me again and I pulled back. I didn’t want it because I knew I’d want more.
I was never a cryer. Even as a kid I didn’t really get upset. I’d get mad, but never did I actually shed tears. I cried when my nan died because she was the best part of my family life. And now I cried because I lost Rae, the best part of my entire life. I probably looked a right mess, sitting alone in my room. I didn’t have the heart to put music on and I faced the wall rather than look around at the stuff in my room.
She had spread to so many things in this room even in our short time of knowing each other. I could still see her looking through my music, smiling every time she came across something she liked. And I could smell her on my sheets when I laid down, so I sat up.
Our friends had told us (seperately) that they would still be our friends, but there was an obvious shift in the gang. Chop and Izzy hung around me usually, except when we had our lunch. Then they found Rae and spent an hour with her. I didn’t mind because then they’d report back to me on how she was, what she was up to, if she thought of me. They had the same answers every day; she was okay, she wasn’t up to anything, no she never mentioned me.
Archie and Chloe had begun to hang out exclusively with Rae, only smiling at me if we passed. On the weekends, I hung out in my room listening to music. Occasionally Izzy would pop round while Chop was working or attending a family thing, and it’d be nice to hang around someone who was so happy all the time.
I’m not sure if she was easy to talk to, or if I just missed talking to someone but, on the days when Izzy’d come round I’d find myself opening up to her about my plans.
“I told Rae I wouldn’t give up on her, and I haven’t. I’m trying to figure out a way to get her back, Iz, but I’m out of ideas.”
“Well, what have you tried so far?” She asked.
I smiled uncomfortably and said, “I’ve given her space. I was thinking that maybe she would miss me enough that she’d come back.”
Izzy threw a pillow at me. “Why are boys so stupid?” She shouted and I cringed back.
“What’s that supposed to mean?!”
“Exactly what I said! You thought you could win her back by doing nothing? Finn, you have to show Rae she’s worth it to you, worth fighting for. Do something that will show her that you love her. Just sitting back and waiting for her to come to her senses isn’t going to do anything but make her think you don’t want her anymore.”
“So what do you think I should do?”
She didn’t talk at first. She just leaned her head on her hand, thinking. Then she smiled big and started bouncing on my bed excitedly.
“Do what you did before you started going out!” And she added after seeing my confused face, “Flirt with her, Finn.”
It was such a simple concept I was embarrassed I hadn’t thought of it.
“Izzy, you’re brilliant.” I hugged her and pulled her up with me.
“They’re at the park, we should go see them!” Izzy said and I agreed.
The gang splitting was an extra unfortunate side effect of Finn and I splitting. I was left to only see Chop and Izzy during lunch, and the rest of my day was filled with Chloe (who seemed even more happy since the news of my being single again) and Archie. It’s not like they were boring, it’s just I can only take so much of them before I missed everybody else. Before I missed Finn.
I missed Finn so much it hurt. Not only did I miss kissing him and being with him, but I missed being his friend. We hung out all the time, and if it wasn’t for the kisses we shared every once in a while, it was easy to see we were best mates. I just missed him. I went through my room and found some of his shirts he had forgotten, and they still smelled of his cologne. I had to fight the urge to call him and tell him I wanted him back.
I held back that urge every day, and today was no exception. He and Izzy were walking up to sit with us as Chloe, Archie and I were each sprawled on the grass. I became acutely aware of how blob-like I looked, so I tried to adjust my body. I know he noticed. He didn’t take his eyes off me the whole time he was walking. When they finally reached us, Izzy was, as always, super happy to see us all. Finn acted like usual; quiet and smiling slightly. He chose to sit near Archie, who looked happy to have his friend back around, but he waved over at me.
It was the first time I had heard his voice in a month and it washed over me like rain. I wanted to wrap myself up in his voice like it was a sweater.
He shrugged and leant back against the cement pillar. “I’ve been better. My dad accidently tossed my Stone Roses album,” he explained and I felt his pain.
“How did he accidently toss it?”
And that’s how we started. Slowly, as the day went by, he moved closer to me until finally as the sun was giving the world an amber glow, he and I fell back on the grass, my legs over his but our hands strictly to ourselves.
We were talking about nothing and everything, sharing secretive looks with each other that no one else saw. It felt like we were back to the summer, before I had told everyone about the real me. And it was nice.
I felt his finger on my thigh and my skin tingled.
I closed my eyes.
I felt the tears threatening to spill. I slide away from him but stayed on the grass. His hand fell limply between us.
“Why are you doing that?” I asked him quietly, not wanting to be over heard. The rest of our friends were laughing and drinking.
“Because I think you’re beautiful.”
“Finn, you don’t have to do that anymore, we’re not together.”
“I didn’t do it for you because we were dating, I did it because we’re friends and I think it’s okay for me to tell you that.”
“I don’t want you telling me that. Don’t you understand how much it hurts?”
He rolled on his side which made him inches closer to my face.
“You think I don’t know how much this hurts? Seeing you and not being able to kiss you or touch you or even talk to you for a month? I love you, Rae, and I want you, I need you, and it hurts that I can’t have you. Please, just let me have this.” And he traced another word on my arm; P-L-E-A-S-E.
I let him trace more words on my skin because I liked the feel on his hand. I knew this was only going to make it harder to leave but I stopped caring.
Finn wrote me what felt like a novel that detailed myself. I had beautiful eyes, my laugh was amazing. My music taste was impeccable. My body was sexy. On and on he wrote, his words getting harder to understand because his hand was shaking. We kept moving closer and closer until I could smell his shampoo in his hair. Our lips were an inch apart and I wanted to close the gap, but I didn’t. He didn’t either.
He traced one last word on my arm (W-H-Y) and kept poking me until I answered.
“I want the real reason Rae.” He whispered, he first thing he had spoken in twenty minutes.
I felt the words leave my mouth and instantly wished I could pull them back in.
“Because people laughed at us. I couldn’t stand to embarrass you anymore. I’m a monster and you’re a god and we don’t match.”
He shook his head and reached a hand to cup my cheek.
“Why does it matter what others think?”
“Because I don’t want to be a monster. I just want to be a girl who’s dating a boy and I don’t want people to stare.” It was the most honest think I’d told him and he nodded. I think he was starting to understand.
“Can I say something?” He asked and I told him yes. “I think that every one else are the monsters. If they can’t bare to see us together, that’s their issue. There’s nothing wrong with how we look together, and frankly that shouldn’t be what we’re about.” I saw his eyes water, but he powered on. “I met you and I was instantly into you. You liked the same music as me, you could hold your own against any dick thing I had to say, and you were extremely attractive. You showed up and threw a new twist the our gang and it’s been better every day you’ve come to hang around.”
“But nothing. Don’t let people who don’t even know your name dictate who you date. Just be with me Rae. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, but please just be with me. I’ll do everything I can to make life easier for you, and I’m sure Kester will help you too.”
I shook my head, about ready to break.
He leant closer to me and said under his breath, “I need you Rae. I don’t know what to do without you.”
And I kissed him. I had almost forgotten what he felt like. He deepened our kiss and his hands traced swirls as I tasted his breath. We rolled over so he was leaning over me, propped up my on hand while the other was exploring me. I let mind run up and down his back. I missed the muscles under his skin.
When he pulled back, he asked me “What does this mean?”
Okay, okay. I knew it was a little cliché, but I couldn’t resist. I was excited about my mum and Karim being out for the night and I knew Finn was excited about the pot he had scored.
Personally I had never been much of a smoker. The positive effects of weed rarely outweighed the negative effects of high social interacting; I always grew squeamish and anxious, overthinking. However, I liked it in an intimate environment. Every now and then I would take a puff when I was with the gang, but this would be the first time just Finn and I would smoke together, and well, there you have it. Intimate. And cliché. Because I couldn’t help but choose a reggae CD to play.
“Right on, mon,” Finn laughed, with a mock Jamaican accent, as he situated himself onto my bed. Sitting with his legs crossed and his back against the wall, he hunched over a makeshift table surface he had used with something he’d found in his garage. He began breaking the plant into small pieces, lining up the fragments in two nice, neat rows.
Wanting to spice things up a bit I walked around the room lighting candles I had found underneath cabinets and in cupboards throughout the house. The music was soft – not played as loudly as the usual Stone Roses album – and already there was a hazy atmosphere in the room. The porch light outside shined through the window blinds, creating long, narrow, horizontal rows on the carpet. It was simple and laidback. Just the way I liked things.
Finally I took a seat on the bed letting my legs swing off the side and watched Finn finish up the process. After he had aligned the weed perfectly on the small, square sheets of paper, I watched his lissome fingers delicately roll it up.
My eyes followed his hands as he lifted the joint up to his mouth, and suddenly felt myself blushing as his eyes met mine with a certain look of mischief in his eyes. Without so much as a blink, he opened his mouth ever so slightly, dragging his tongue over the paper to seal it, no doubt basking in the utmost pleasure the mere sight gave me.
“Stop,” I murmured, cheeks burning with full on horn.
He brought the second one up to his mouth, sticking his tongue out even further, making sure his eyes bore into mine. My stomach flipped as his lips curved into a slight smirk. “Stop what?” He asked innocently, just before sealing this one closed as well with his tongue, making sure I was giving him my complete attention. Fuck, how couldn’t I have been?
“You’re doing that on purpose,” I said, feeling myself literally gushing just watching the fucker.
“Doing what?” He asked, moving aside the table surface and bringing a lighter up to the joint he had now placed between his perfect, perfect lips. God, I was jealous of that stupid, fucking doobie.
After that, he let the flame dance at the end of the joint, causing shadows to flash over his chiseled face and his brown eyes to smolder.
“T-Trying to… you know,” I said, throwing my arms in the air, making up my own use of sign language. I was exasperated and horny as fuck now.
The smug smirk returned to his face. “Come here,” he said, nodding his head for me to get closer. He turned his head, blowing the smoke over his shoulder, before leaning forward, sliding his tongue teasingly over my bottom lip. “Do you like watching me smoke, Rae Earl?” He asked.
Without a second thought, I eagerly nodded my head, resisting a whimper.
He chuckled to himself before bringing up the lighter again, the sparks like a miniature firework at the palm of his hand. He inhaled deeply, but kept his mouth closed. Then just a second later, as I was feeling like I was on cloud nine without the help of weed, Finn’s hands were holding my face, he was grinning, trying not to part his lips and pulled me forward.
I instinctively closed my eyes, melting at the touch of him holding me and opened my mouth just enough to inhale all that he had. I sucked the smoke from his mouth, feeling it tickle my tongue, burn down my throat, and make a home in the pit of my lungs.
As if on cue, we both exhaled together, the smoke from each of our mouths meeting in the middle, before disappearing. At once I felt lightheaded and lovely.
“Did you like that?” Finn asked, placing one of his hands on the back of my neck, making sure his lips brushed against mine as he spoke.
“I did,” I said helplessly. Jesus fuck did I like it.
“Perfect,” he said, before giving me another kiss. He let his tongue swipe against my lower lip again, this time begging for entry, and I resisted a moan as his tongue played with mine. Then with a slight gasp he pulled away with a grin, and placed the unlit joint between my (painfully wanting) lips. “Because now it’s your turn.”