Why the Types Will Die Alone
ISTJ: You were somehow roped into a relationship once but ended that nonsense right quick once you realized they wanted to talk about their feelings. You live a lonesome, tranquil life by the river now, whittling calculators and stock portfolios from driftwood. They are your only friends.
ESTJ: You had a great life, perfect partner, and tons of friends for many years. Then everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked. Jk, your best friend and the rest of the Senate stabbed you repeatedly in the back and you bled out alone on the floor. “Et tu, Brute?” were your final woe-begotten words you tyrannical dictator, you.
ENFJ: Your partner got sick of trying to decrypt your real feelings about everything every other second. It’s okay though, you still had a pretty fulfilling life never saying no to any person’s request. You eventually died when your body spontaneously combusted from the stress of trying to make everybody happy.
INFJ: You tried to act ethereal and distant for so long that nobody wanted to put in the effort to get to know you, Star Man. Except for Linda. But once she saw that all of your “deep, mystical” thoughts were actually just crippling anxiety about people’s approval of you, she jumped that ship pretty quickly.
ESTP: You took all of your friends skydiving and pushed all their scared, pansy asses out of the plane as a practical joke. You turned around and saw the parachutes they were supposed to be wearing still hanging on the wall, but you didn’t think much of it. Anyways, you convinced the pilot to do a sick flip between some buildings and died in a fiery explosion, just like that old, Romanian woman said you would.
ISTP: You were too busy being the douchey frat boy bully trope in every teen movie that you forgot to make friends. As you lay dying in a pile of cigarettes and empty liquor bottles, you smile, believing wholeheartedly that Fonzie would have been proud of you. He wouldn’t.
ISFJ: You were baking a casserole but got distracted by youtube tutorials on how to make friends and burned your house down with you in it. You could’ve escaped, but…there’s people outside…so like, screw that, y'know?
ESFJ: Your son got so tired of you telling him how to live his life and inserting yourself into his romantic life that he snapped at the “Please Date My Son” mixer you threw for him and came at you with that expensive bottle of Chardonnay you got for yourself while you scrutinized all of the potential daughter-in-laws. None of the girls came to your rescue, as they had recently learned that you’d been gossiping about every single one of them since you’d met them. Let’s be real though, you always knew patricide was the only way you’d go out.
INFP: You drowned your first partner in the bathtub that you filled with your own tears because they had a weird inflection in the way they said hi to you that one time in August 2011 and you never really got over that. All of your friends got so exhausted trying to console you that when you got trapped in ISFJ’s burning house while helping them make the casserole, they all just assumed your bitter passive-aggressive inferences to the fire’s failure to be a good friend would save you. They did not.
ENFP: You couldn’t stand the idea of being normal, so you moved to eastern Europe to be different and start a charity or something, you’ll figure out the details later it’s whatever, but you forgot to mention it to, like, all of your friends. Also, you forgot your passport. And your keys. Also, you left the stove on.
ISFP: Everybody got tired of you staring languidly at the rain so they left you. Like, we get it, you’re deep and thoughtful. Also, they couldn’t stand that you were still into SuperWhoLock, like, that stopped being popular 6 years ago, please move on. Anyways, your pet horse gets so tired of you talking to him about your feelings that he kicks you in the chest, killing you instantly.
ESFP: You told all your friends you were too busy for them and couldn’t commit to the friendship and floated to some neon rave party and thought trying ecstasy would be a fun experience. You tried proving you were a badass to the bouncer and took like seven and pretty much died on the spot ‘cause your pansy ass would barely have been able to handle one.
ENTP: You pitted all of your friends against each other to see what would happen for like, the twelfth time, so they all turned on you and forced you to work an isolated office job. They watched through a two-way mirror as you went insane and chewed off your own fingers. They felt that justice was thoroughly served and so do I.
INTP: You emerged from your garage after weeks of isolation to find that everybody is gone, as they went to the Florida Keys for vacation, but didn’t invite you because they thought you were too busy working on your project that has no real world value. Instead, you assume it’s the zombie apocalypse and retreat back into your garage indefinitely. You die when the roof collapses on you while you’re eating Flaming Hot Cheetos.
ENTJ: Your coup fails because none of your friends liked the way you kept bossing them around and the government publicly executes you for high treason. In your last moments, you feel a strange sense of camaraderie with ESTJ’s fate, but it doesn’t last long because you could have done waaaaay better than them if you were in that situation.
INTJ: You’re too proud to admit that you feel things on occasion and shove them all down until the emotions rot away your insides and you eventually have an ulcer, a stroke, and a heart attack all at once in a GameStop parking lot and die, wishing you could have told just one more person why they were wrong about something.