How I always believed that we would see each other after you left me without a word.
How my heart always started to beat rapidly every time I thought I saw you.
How the faces of strangers in subways, cafes and parks resembled you.
How I was thinking about all the things I wanted to tell you when we would finally see each other
perhaps in a subway, perhaps in a cafe or perhaps in a park.

Back then, my nights were sleepless, my heart was filled with hope, my mind was always full.
Now, it’s been four years and time has concealed everything
And now, you’re just a myth I had created.

—  We would meet again

I was going to my locker and he was there. We were the only ones in that whole area. We had talked just a few mins ago somewhere else and there were people and he was paying attention not to stand close to me. But when we were there in front of the lockers he followed me the few steps to my locker and we talked much more comfortable while standing near to each other. This is the one of the moments I love to think about over and over again because it shows that there is a difference in how he is with me regarding if we are with people or not which shows that he has something for me too. At that moment we stood there as friends or as adults or as a couple, other than a teacher and a student.

I never think about the real first times I started to feel something for him. I just noticed it, a minute ago. One of the sweetest memories I have from the earliest times is when I was sitting with a group of classmates in front of a big table. There were two tables empty between me and a classmate and as he was standing a few meters away I heard him saying to someone that he is going to sit beside me. It was a theme day and we were making calligraphy, he didn’t have any ink so I gave him mine. It was a very sweet moment I remember, having him sitting near to me, his legs in front of mine; easy to reach. It feels like it was years ago, it was just late summer 14.

I still can’t believe that we’ve come this stage. I’d never really believe that a teacher would like my back even though I always wanted and hoped for it. It was StJa first, my first teacher crush who I had between 2009 and 2011. I couldn’t forget him two years after he left. Then it was MaAh, just the previous year, he never meant much to me. I was just having fun. Now it’s Rbw, my love. All of these started with just wanting to have fun. StJa improved to a tragic story, MaAh never got the chance to improve and Rbw is the most hopeful one.

If I’ve become Rbw’s love: you’ve got what you always wanted, you might be sad or depressed now out of some reason but you’ve got it, you’ve at least got what you always longed for. Please, be happy for it now to make your old self who is writing this to you happy too.

If I’ve never got to be with him: don’t be sad, please. Everything happens for a reason. Remember that you never got to be with StJa and MaAh either, but you learned from them. You learned from Rbw more than you learned from them, he gave you much even though he didn’t give you himself. If you can and if you believe its a good idea, send him a message now and tell him how much he has meant to you as a teacher and that you’d like to continue your friendship. Don’t get too hopeful but don’t lose your hopes either. Whatever happens, make your old self happy by being happy now.

I love you, my future self.

Thoughts (StJa)

This one is about my first teacher crush which I had five years ago. I dreamt abiut him yesterday…

Dreaming about your teacher you haven’t seen or talked to in over 4 years? This is what happens when you fall too in love with your teacher.

I saw him on the newspaper, he had grown beard and looked so different that I couldn’t understand that it was him. Then I went to his school and saw him there too…

What is going on in my mind?

My teacher crushes

1st: social studies teacher. 2009-2012. Shortened name in this blog: StJa

2nd: English teacher. 2013-2014=8 months. Shortened name in this blog: MaAh

3rd: Latin and German teacher. Started this semester, August. Shortened name in this blog: Rbw