- Wtf dread doctors still don’t understand how they did what they did but whatever
- Theo I hate you
- why does this stupid 5A and 5B thing exist? Like just stop and give us ALL of season 5 at once not chopping it up
- am I the only one who wants a a mini season just the pack being chill and funny. Cause it’s so cute and I love it
- Derek better come back and beat the hell outta Theo for doing that shit to stiles
- bring back Derek, Issac, Alison, and Kira…! Like now
- Also WHAT ABOUT SHERIFF STILINSKI WHY DID THEY SHOW THE TEENIEST BIT ABOUT HIM LIKE????
Please note that the topics of bullying and suicide are touched upon here
So, everyone’s seen that journal that Maxine keeps. I have actually seen her writing in it in the middle of a conversation before. Ha, no wonder people think she’s a fruitloop. God knows what Mark … I mean Mr. Jefferson sees in her. The other day, I practically had my cleavage in his face and he still let Maxine interrupt our conversation. So stupid.
Anyways, even though I’m not going to be flashing it around in public like Maxine, I’ve decided to start writing a journal too. Nathan was actually right. Writing stuff down did actually make me feel a bit better. Guess he’s not as stupid as he looks. And even acts these days. I have no idea what is going on with that boy. I’m kind of scared of him right now. Not that I will ever let him know it.
I went to see Kate in hospital. It was a selfish thing to do, I know that. I went to make myself feel better, and I’m starting to think that perhaps it might have hurt Kate more. You see this is what I do. I take action, then think about it’s repercussions later. If I actually thought about it first, I wouldn’t do a lot of things. Like, maybe if I hadn’t told Maxine to ‘go fuck her selfie’, she wouldn’t have posted pictures of me covered in that weirdo Samuel’s paint all over the social medias. Still, it was fucking funny so no regrets. I mean, I get why she takes them. If I was as pretty as her, I’d probably take selfies all damn day long too as well. But seriously, just stop. It’s so fucking tasteless.
Yes, yes, I know. I’m way hotter than Maxine Caulfied. But just look at her. I think if you gave her a lip-gloss, she wouldn’t even know what it was. She looks damn fine without any enhancements. Trust me, if she tried a bit harder I would be seriously scared for my position of head bitch in charge. I know I always look on point, but without make-up I would be a fucking mess. Maxine never looks on point, but she owns it. Oh for Satan’s sake, yes I’m Jealous of Super Maxine. There. I said it. Tell anyone, especially her, and I will ruin you. I’m serious. That girl actually hates me. I can’t really blame her, but she will use any ammunition against me, and I’m not going to give it to her for free.
Why am I even taking about that selfie whore? This is supposed to be about Kate. But instead it’s turned into an essay about my love/hate relationship with Maxine. I make everything about me. Kate nearly killed herself. And all I’ve been worried about is how I would have felt if she actually did it.
God, I’m useless at writing things in any order. It’s just all these thoughts keep floating about in my head. Mostly about Maxine. The line between love and hate is very thin. Right now, I’m kinda scared it’s blurring for me. I mean, I can’t love Maxine Caulfield even platonically. I barely even like her.
Right. That’s it. I’m not speaking about her again.
Kate. This is all about Kate.
I walked into her hospital room without even knocking. It’s so awful in there. So white and empty. If Kate wasn’t crazy before, I’m pretty sure that room will help her get there. She has brightened it up a bit though, with those sickeningly cute pictures she draws. It was nice to see she’s in a place where she can draw like that.
I didn’t not knock to be rude. I was just that damn nervous, I just forgot. I actually felt sick. Scared shitless she wouldn’t accept my apology. Of course if she hadn’t I wouldn’t have let her know it bothered me. Would probably have said something along the lines of 'Fine. Whatevs. Have a nice life.’, and then promptly left to have a quiet cry in a toilet cubicle.
Thank Satan that didn’t actually happen. Crying in toilets is so trashy.
So yeah. I walked into her room, and sat on the chair next to her bed. Kate wouldn’t look at me. She turned her head away and looked out of the window. I’m kind of glad. I didn’t want her to see how fucking nervous I was. I didn’t want her to see how much things had bothered me.
“Kate, I know you probably don’t want to see me right now. To be honest, I don’t really care. I’m here, and I’m not going until I’ve said what I need to say. So you might as well just listen.”
“Just go away Victoria. Please. Max will be here soon.” There was no infliction in Kate’s voice. She sounded completely emotionless.
I scoffed. “Oh, and that scrawny little hipster will throw me out, right? I’d like to see her try.”
I can’t be entirely certain, but I’m almost sure that Kate held back a smile when I said this. If she did though, her following words betrayed it.
“Victoria, why do you have to be such a … not nice?”
I have to admit that did hurt just a little. Kate may have been enough of a prude to change her words but I knew she was going to call me a bitch, for sure. I’m used to that. I get called a bitch at least five times every day. But for Kate to nearly call me a bitch? She has a good soul and I’m sure she never says anything mean about anyone. It showed me how much my actions had hurt her.
“I wasn’t always. A bitch, I mean.” I looked down at the floor, unable to look at Kate as I told her something that no one at Blackwell besides Nathan knew. “Before I came to Blackwell I was a nobody. Sure, I was a Chase but that doesn’t mean shit when you practically take fashion tips from Maxine Caulfield and spend your spare time reading Battle Royale.” I swallowed and licked my lips, suddenly feeling extremely parched. Talking about the past was something I never did, but I felt like Kate deserved to know why I act the way I do. I wanted her to know it hadn’t been some kind of personal vendetta, like with Maxine, who can give as good as she gets.
“To make it worse, I was a little overweight. You know what kids are like. They see anything different to them, and they rip it to pieces. Some of the insults they came up with were inspired.” I paused a moment to wipe some tears away. Thank God for waterproof mascara.
“Victoria, as much as I would love to hear your sob story, I think you should leave.” said Kate, with a sigh. So much sarcasm. So not like Kate.
I started to stand, thinking that leaving would probably be for the best, but before I was halfway up I sat down again. I had a point to make, and I was going no where until I had made it. “Kate, please. Just let me finish.” I never ever say please. I just take what I want. But I do believe in Karma, and I’m starting to think it’s about time I start giving something back. “When I came to Blackwell, I’d sorted myself out. I lost weight. I started spending my family’s money on labels rather than books and thrift store clothes. I quickly found my way up the social ladder. You don’t do that by being nice. But I do know how you feel. I know how it feels to be victimised for no reason. And I am sorry for taking that video. I just never want to be the Alyssa of Blackwell Academy. Not again. I’m sorry.”
After saying my piece I finally got up, smoothed out my skirt and walked towards the door. As I put my hand on the door Kate called out, stopping me in my tracks.
“Wait. I do forgive you. But please don’t pretend to know how I feel. Nobody knows that.” There was no anger in Kate’s voice. She spoke softly. She sounded sad.
I almost ignored her. I almost turned that door handle in order to walk out with some of my dignity intact. However, I couldn’t. I just could not leave that broken girl there, thinking that no one understood. I turned to look at Katie, and when I saw her wide eyes staring back at me, full of a bleakness I myself hadn’t felt for so long, I started to walk towards her.
I felt like Kate’s hospital room was sacred. I knew in my heart that what was said in here would never leave it’s four walls. As I moved towards Kate, a little hesitantly, I pulled up my sleeves. I held out my arms in front of her so she could see the scars that no one besides Nathan knew about. “I might not know exactly how you feel, Katie, but I do know what it feels like to not want to live any more.”
Kate looked horrified. I think she was just shocked that I, Victoria Chase, am not as perfect as I would like people to think.
“I never blamed you, Victoria. What you did was … not nice. But I kind of get why you did it. And I put myself on that roof, no one else.”
I nodded. “I know that, but I helped put you there. I really am sorry.”
There was some small talk, but eventually I left. And who should I find but Maxine Caulfield, hovering outside the door, clearly eavesdropping. “Nosey much? How much did you hear?”
“Everything”. She had a small smirk on her face. “I totally knew there was more to you than just being an uber bitch. I think it helped Kate to know that. You were kind of awesome in there, opening up like that.” She sounded so excited. I don’t quite understand why. I don’t think anyone understands Mad Max. She’s an enigma.
“Maxine, please just stop. If you ever tell any one about this, I will - please just don’t tell anyone. Only Nathan knows, because he saved me. Nathan has always been my friend, even when I dressed like you and acted like Alyssa. He really isn’t a bad guy. He’s just in a bad place right now, and you need to cut him some slack.”
“Max. Never Maxine. I won’t tell a soul. But maybe you don’t need to act so … above everyone else to be popular.” She looked at me for a moment, clearly processing what I had said about Nathan. “I don’t know, Vicky. He seems dangerous. Kate seems pretty sure he drugged her at that Vortex party, and -”
I cut her off. “Yes, Max, I know.” I said with a sigh. “I know what he did, and right now I really want to knock some sense into his thick skull. Stuff is happening with him right now that even I don’t understand. I think he just needs a friend right now.” I turned away, ready to leave when a thought occurred to me. “I know I don’t have to be a bitch to be popular. You’re proof of that, Max. I think its too late now though, don’t you?”
“No I don’t. And Tori, you are … um … hella hardcore, and if anyone every picks on you again, I’ll send Chloe to beat their punk asses.”
“Whatever, Maxine. It’s Victoria. And please, stop trying to sound cool. It doesn’t become you.” I waved a hand at her over my shoulder as I walked away. “Laters. By the way, this was nice and everything, but this doesn’t mean we’re friends.”
“Whatever, Tori.” I’m so glad the selfie whore of Blackwell couldn’t see my smile as I walked away.
Really though, white noise on the television being a message from the dead is the one of the most bullshit things I’ve ever heard.
It’s really something only the paranoid rich and gullible people looking for a job would buy into.
What, does the Master have a thing about this? ‘Oh, let’s see what the most bullshit thing I can come up with and still get people to believe is. The more preposterous and the more stupid humans that buy into it, the better.’
hey, I know this special sucks compare to the prev specials because I didn’t upload much [because my stupid internet] - so I will make it a bit longer cause I have a lot that i want to upload ;)
AHOY!!!!!!! - VitaminR
Another awesome song of the CRAZYYYY otome game “VitaminR”. It’s not one of my fav [cause I think the best Vitamin songs are those that tattun and OnoD sing together - also they are much better then this one], but still i reallyyyyyyyy love this one and it’s really cool - because all the crazy vitamin guys are singing together :) also there are awesome seiyuus here. I actually wanted to put a Translation but I couldn’t find one.
I’m not going to the gym and I know is stupid to get mad about it cause I can go on sunday but still I feel a little bit disappointed, I think I just want to be able to do all the stuff that needs to get done but instead I took a 3 hour nap and I could have done better today.
or even when i feel okay. i can only imagine how easy things are when i feel actually good
but i keep not feeling better
i keep thinking “tomorrow when i wake up, i’ll feel a bit better at least” “if its sunny, ill feel better” but i just idk i dont even have words anymore just shrugging and opening my mouth with nothing coming out because what does it fucking matter anymore its the same stupid conversation every time
In all, today has been nice. :) My family all left to do various things this morning, so when I woke up I had the house to myself! I had breakfast on the deck, which I don’t normally do when they’re home. Despite the fact that my body image and the ED urges have been awful lately, I got in all of my exchanges. So far I’m still meeting my meal plan 100%. 💪🏼 In the afternoon I went shopping, and I got the most amazing sparkly gown! It’s for an annual girl’s night thing with my family & relatives - which is usually triggering, but I think that this year I’ll feel a little bit better about myself thanks to the sparkles haha. ✨✨✨
Some stuff hasn’t gone as well today, though. I took a bunch of body measurements (which was a fucking stupid idea, idk how I thought that would help), and I’ve been feeling awful with memory stuff. I feel like I might have another episode tonight, which is scary and I hate it and ugh. But I’m still holding on, so that’s good at least. :)
It’s going to take me forever to find that stupid post of mine, but anyway… to those of you who replied ever so kindly to my whiny “woe is me, I suck at art, why do you even follow my work?” post a while back… THANK YOU!
I didn’t get around to replying to comments individually, but I was still grateful for them. Sometimes… sometimes we all need a bit of a boost, you know? I was feeling really low on myself. Like, feeling like I should be much better at what I do and getting frustrated with everything I tried to draw. I guess that’s just part of the fun of being an artist. Most of us are our own worst critics. I go through phases of wanting to outright quit drawing altogether, but that would be ridiculous of me, because I can’t imagine doing anything else, so…. it’s a thing. I guess I could call it artist “pms”? Haha, I dunno… it’s silly of me anyhow.
Again, thank you! I can’t make any guarantees, but I’ll try not to let myself dip low like that again. When I find it happening, I’ll just refer to those lovely comments and tell myself, “There you go, you big goof. Now shut up and DRAW!”
Are you still running competitively? How is it going?
I am! Thank you for asking :) Update on my professional plans.
I stopped competing early this year for a number of reasons. I had the most mediocre seasons - I never ran what exactly I wanted to run, but I never crashed and burned either. But by June I was starting feel tired and run down and I was edging towards injury.
At the same time I was moving into a new apartment and going through training for a new job. So I decided it was better to take time off while I was going through all the life/career changes rather than push through and do something stupid.
I probably took a bit longer of a break than I had planned, but as of the last two weeks I am back on the grind! I’ll still be running with NJNY this year. But instead of going out to Jersey every week I’ll be training with John Trautman in NYC. He’s a former Olympic miler (I believe it’s the mile?) so he knows his shit.
I’m not exactly sure who my training partners are going to be but Gags said he was looking for some other girls to send to Trautman’s group. At the very least there’s a woman I trained with a bit last year who will be joining when she comes back injury. She’s kickass! She went to USAs indoor in the 600m last year before she was injured.
So that’s where I am - in the process of rebuilding. Working a full time job, but finally feeling settled which is doing wonders for my motivation!
For the future, the plan is to continue training during this two year program I’m in. And then who knows? I’ll make the decision when I come to it to keep training if I think I have something left in the tank. Maybe grad school. Maybe a coaching gig. Maybe back to retail. Keeping my options open.
Firstly I find out that I have to use a full year to do one class this year at university and then have to wait for next year which is kind of devastating but also kind of good in a way. I’m going to look for a job and work my way to save enough to go away in the future and get a flat in Glasgow for my third year.
I’m on a low now though. A bit better than earlier but still a low. Earlier I had the baby (my parents are foster carers) and he was crying and I was trying to calm him; but a part of me wanted to scream - “JUST SHUT UP!” and throw him away… but I’m not that stupid.
Sometimes I feel like that though. I feel a million miles away. I feel useless. I feel small and insignificant. Maybe I am. Maybe I am not. I get angry easily. I have a short fuse sometimes. I don’t like to talk about my feelings, I prefer to paint a smile.
However my parents took the news OK and I’ve told them my intentions and they seem OK with it. Mum need help with the fostering as my Dad works away most of the time.
Now I’m worrying about my social life as all my friends live around Glasgow and I don’t really talk to my high school friends any more. I hope I don’t become a stranger to my friends. I hope I don’t fade away.
also, traakigogik, i’ve thought about an insulated thingy for the better coffee but it’s a pack weight/good amount of water thing. the insulated ones are smaller (at least the ones i’ve seen) so that’s almost a liter less water to start out with. i carry not quite three in the summer, usually go through two and have a bit to spare if a) i do something stupid still far from my car or b) someone else has done something stupid like not bring water for their dog (wtf, asshole) or themselves.
b has happened, both parts. and a has happened, won’t lie. but all that water is heavy and i try to go for kit that can serve more than one purpose. so a mid-sized kleen kanteen that starts as water and becomes bad coffee and then water once again.
*TRIGGER WARNING SELF HARM* Last night I relapsed but it was so stupid :( It was because it felt like I was getting better :( I don't know why but I tried listening to sad music and tried the sad blogs and when it didn't work when it still didn't feel right I relapsed because I was panicking and desperate. I've been like this for so long that recovery scares me. I feel trapped, I don't feel like I'll ever recover. At this point it seems I don't even want to :( I feel so stupid and a bit scared:(
Aw love I’m so sorry, I understand, I guess we’re all a little scared of recovery. You’ve just got to think that you’ll be so much happier when you do recover- no more having to cover up your arms/legs/wherever you cut, no more lying, no more overheating, you’ll be able to go swimming without people staring, no more constant paranoia that someone saw them. Most of all you won’t have to explain to your kids why you have them and what they are
Recovery is scary because you can’t remember what it’s like to not feel this way but let me promise you that it’s so much better after recovery. Love, when you feel like you’ll relapse you should go onto happy blogs, listen to happy music, watch/read your favourite TV show/movie/book, take a shower or have a bath, go for a walk. Because the sad things will make it certain that you’ll relapse and you need to fight the urges
Honestly, self harm isn’t helping you at all- it removes the mental pain for a few minutes but then you’re back where you started. It doesn’t help, not really- not in the long term. All it does is leave you sadder than before and covered in scars. Which will just make you hate yourself more in the future
Lapses are part of recovery, so don’t be sad about it. Just don’t let this turn into a full on relapse. You can do this. Recovery isn’t scary, I promise you. Stay strong, I’m always here if you need someone x
Thank you to everyone who’s messaged me with any kind of support over the past 3-4 months. It’s been really nice to know that, even though I don’t know most of you in person, you still care even a little bit about whether or not I’m having a good day and a good life. Even if it can’t fix all my stupid issues, it really truly does make me feel better to know that people care. You are all wonderful and I hope your days and lives are going well. Lots of love~
.. Hello. I was going to try and join the Polyglot/langblr a bit better when I came home from vacation.. I’ve been home almost three weeks. Well. First I got sick and was more or less bedridden for a week, then started school and “real” lessons (aka lessons not self-taught; with a teacher) in my target language and I sort of ..lost motivation. I felt really horribly unmotivated and untalented which was dumb. But anyway, still, I’m at a new school. Maybe starting a new blog now was stupid. I don’t know. I won’t give up on it, though.
Honesty Hour: I know I just sort of showed up on your tumblr wall after reading your Cullrian fic on AO3, and I'm sorta just /here/, now, putting myself in your space. Am I being too... extroverted? Aggressive? Not the right words, but I can't find them at the moment. Anyway, if I'm coming on too strong or weirding you out, just say and I'll back off. And I hope you're having a better day, today. =)
Oh my gosh, no? Not at all? Seriously I love you showing up and being in my space? You’re awesome and definitely one of my new favorite people. I just feel bad that I haven’t been all that up to replying as regularly as I’d like or being especially extroverted?
Tonight’s definitely a bit better although my stupid lungs are still kind of acting up (and i’d really rather not have to break out my inhaler again so i can actually sleep tonight?). :/ So I’m just sort of relaxing and trying not to do too much. <3
I said I didn’t agree with Trump as president, with anything he says or does.
So my brother said that then I’d rather have Hilary, which is an obvious no, and so apparently to him, since I don’t agree with Trump then I have no idea what’s going on in the election and I need to watch the coverage and basically educate myself.
I said I wasn’t stupid and knew what was going on.
I’m not just getting my election info from a tiny bit of TV or from my parents (or tumblr thank you).
He mumbled under his breath like “yeah ok whatever”
No, I know what is going on and I still don’t agree with Trump and will not EVER vote for him, or Hilary.
There are way better people to vote for. I have only one vote and I want it to count towards someone good for this country.
Idris Elba is a terrific actor, but I can think of other black actors who would do it better. For me, Idris Elba is a bit too rough to play the part. It’s not a colour issue. I think he is probably a bit too ‘street’ for Bond. Is it a question of being suave? Yeah.
Horowitz’s actual words weren’t as bad as headlines but still idiotic and stupid for a man who does words as his job.
I am disappointed, Horowitz, and you’re my fave.
But mainly because you don’t think Elba is suave?! What?! And Adrian Lester is a babe, and a great actor, but Bond? Nah.
I guess. I don’t like wearing a bandage over my hand though. This is stupid, I’m a ghost, I shouldn’t feel pain from working and need to fix my hand and wrist!
[You’re still a very human-like ghost, Beth. Which is weird. I always thought we’d be in reverse.]
Mm.. yeah, I-I guess.
[Mabuz isn’t going to make you go back to the palace with your wrist in pain, is he?]
Nah, I’ve been doing enough princess practice and helping out at the palace and in town. Besides, my birthday is coming up. I think even he’d be lenient on that with me, especially since all the time I’m awake has been working on all that stuff. The only time I’ve been here at home has been to sleep, sometimes have breakfast and dinner. Sometimes.
[Sounds like you deserve a break. Listen, I have to go; Mama and Papa wanted to have a family day today and it’s gonna be my first one since I got free. I’ll call you tonight. Let me know if your hand starts acting up.]