My child I can feel you drifting from me. I want you to know that even though you are drifting, I am still here. I still love you, I still care deeply about you and your soul. As tears fill my eyes watching you choose worldly things over my guidance I still am choosing to draw your thoughts back to me. I want you to come back to me. Drop whatever is hindering your growth and run. I know it feels like you can’t, it feels like a loss in this world or you aren’t strong enough. That is okay, because my strength is made perfect in weakness for you. That is why I am here for you my love, to fill you with my strength and defend you. To show you that this world has nothing promising to offer you. It is never a loss when you lose something of this world for My sake. I promise I will never fail you even when you fail me. My grace still stands and my love still surrounds your aching soul. Please don’t treat yourself like this you are more than your sins and shame. That is why I died, for those very reasons. To strip away the guilt, the shame and the death. Come back to me my child. I’m waiting patiently but eagerly for your heart. I love you.
I hadn't let myself really mourn Rusty until today...and I came to a conclusion.
…I’m going to give Mudpie a happy ending. Somehow.
He pushed the hardest for her to be happy and have good things happen to her because he was doing what Rusty did best…he saw people who were hurting, who didn’t see the good in themselves, but who deserved to be happy.
…it’s bittersweet to say that because in a lot of ways, Mudpie was meant to personify all the things I hated about myself. Like Ickle was meant to be all my good and all the good I wanted to be, mudpie was all my bad and all the bad I wanted to do but never had the courage to do.
And for me, I never wanted to give mudpie good things because it meant accepting the flaws in myself and knowing I deserved good things.
But…Rusty knew that.
He saw through that.
He was really good at that…looking into the heart of why people do things, and wanting to encourage them to do their best and accept their unique capability.
To honor Rusty’s influence in my life, and in the lives of others…I really want to write the kind of ending he said she deserved. The kind of ending he said people like her deserved–a happy one.
“I don’t think I had many people I could openly tell everything I was thinking, the way I am right now. I didn’t talk about my thoughts much because I was concerned about what people would think." ─ trans
lmao my brother just told me that today, when he was doing grocery shopping with our dad, the two of them were at the female hygiene section and they were picking up the brand of pads my mom and I use (my dad and bro have always been the ones in charge of stacking up our bathroom with pads and tampons whenever we so much start showing signs of our periods coming up) and this guy that’s around his mid 30′s suddenly comes up to the two of them and says shit about ‘how embarrassing must be for him and his dad to be getting this items’ and that ‘next time he should just tell his wife or girlfriend or daughter or whatever to pick the pads themselves, it’s not like they’re drying or something’ and my dad and bro are just there speechless because of the attitude of the guy and they look just a bit off to the side of the guy and there’s a girl that’s clearly with him, and my dad just looks directly at her and says, from the bottom of his heart, ‘I’m sorry you have to deal with this kind of shit, dear’ and she kinda just nods and says ‘well, not anymore’ and looks at the guy that’s suddenly aware that she was standing there and says ‘because guess who’s without a girlfriend now. We are OVER (insert asshole’s name here cuz’ my bro couldn’t remember)’ and she just drops whatever items she had in her hands and walks away
me, listening to music on shuffle and bouncing intensely: I AM BEYOND HYPED FOR ANDROMEDA OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OHHH MYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOD trilogy soundtrack: [plays] me, now completely still with tears in my eyes: …how dare you