still surreal right now

17 weeks today (: and I’m feeling so good. I’ve been thinking so much of my baby as a person lately, and that I’ll actually be interacting with this lil being. It’s still sooo surreal that I’m here right now and I’m creating a life inside me. I’m so excited for whats to come^~^

Things We Had and Lost (Part 1)

Note- This was supposed to be just one part, but it got really long so I’ll post the second half at a later time. Severe angst warning.

     She feels fine until she gets home.

     It’s late when she stumbles through the door, exhaustion setting in after a long evening spent with friends. During the show it had been almost impossible to go out when she wanted to- she always had to worry about going to rehearsal or being well rested for rehearsal the next day or doing various interviews. So now that the show is over the silver lining seems to be that she has more time to catch up with the friends she’d drifted away from. And sure, even when she’s out with her friends there’s that nagging part of her that wishes Val could be there too, but they’ll see each other soon enough.

     Oreo scampers around her feet as she makes her way to her bedroom, shedding clothing along the way in an effort to speed up the process of getting ready for bed. By the time she’s actually in her room she’s left just in her underwear, and as she kicks it off she notices it’s stained with a spot of blood. It’s a little surprising- she hasn’t gotten her period in almost three months thanks to her new birth control- but not the most. The information packet that came with it said that some light bleeding is normal, so while it’s annoying, it’s not especially concerning. As she finishes getting ready for bed and crawls between the covers it is the furthest thing from her mind.

     She sleeps soundly, dreaming of snow and New York and the boy there waiting for her, but hours after she goes to sleep she awakens with a deep feeling of dread. She’s still groggy, and her first instinct is that she’s just had a bad dream, nothing to worry about. But then she rolls over in bed and feels the sticky puddle between her legs, soaking through her pajamas and down her thighs. She’s afraid to turn on the lamp on her bedside table even though she knows what she’ll see when she does. As a sharp pain throbs in her abdomen she sits up, biting back a sob. This is a hell of a lot more than “light bleeding”.

     She knows what’s happening, as impossible as it may seem. To her knowledge her birth control had been working perfectly, there was nothing to signal that it had failed. There was nothing to signal that she was pregnant. But as she whimpers in pain and fear, there is a part of her that knows with certainty what is going on. She tries to will the thought away, thinking that there must be something else that would cause this, but another sharp pain rips through her and she can’t think of anything.

     Without turning on the light she grabs her phone off of her bedside table, unlocking it and beginning to type in his phone number without thinking. But then she remembers that he’s not a twenty minute drive away anymore, he’s on the other end of the country probably waking up and getting ready for rehearsal right now. And part of her still wants to call him because she’s scared, because he should be here to hold her and take her to the hospital right now. But she’s starting to feel lightheaded, so she knows she has to make the call count. She clears his number from the dialpad, and the last thing remember before she loses consciousness is dialing 9-1-1.

     She wakes up in an ambulance, and it feels like her insides are being ripped out. A female paramedic sits by her side, speaking in a smooth comforting tone, but she may as well be speaking German because Janel can’t hear her over the sound of her own wailing. The pain seems to radiate to every point in her body, and she squirms looking for relief only to be stilled by the hands of the female paradmedic who is leaning over her now. And finally Janel starts to make out what she is saying.

     “Stay calm”

     “Do you know where you are?”

     “Do you know what’s happening to you?”

     And suddenly she wishes that she had called Val instead of 9-1-1. She wishes that in lieu of him being there to hold her she had at least been able to hear his voice. She tries to conjure it up now in her head for comfort. There’s something about his gruff rumble that always makes her feel safe, even when the rest of the world seems to be falling down around her.

     “Do you know what’s happening to you?” the paramedic asks again. Janel nods, and through her tears finally manages an answer.

     “I’m dying.”

     The paramedic tries to reassure her that she will be okay, that they are taking care of her, but she won’t hear it. The pain keeps getting worse and at some point she’s vaguely aware that she starts crying for her mother, but the paramedic keeps telling her they’ll call her when they get to the hospital and she’s not sure she’s going to last that long. She closes her eyes, trying to think of something to distract her from the pain. And suddenly she’s transported back to the studio, to the week of their freestyle. He’s standing in front of her and she starts to fall forward. But then she stops, catches herself, and his arms grab her under her armpits.

     “I will always be there,” his voice echoes in her mind. She doesn’t feel pain anymore, she doesn’t feel anything. The world is dark and she is weightless and the only thing she knows is the sound of his voice telling her that he will always be there.


     This weightlessness feels like it could be endless, but it’s not. Eventually his voice starts to fade and she regains awareness of her body. It feels dense and heavy, but she’s relieved by how much the pain has subsided. She’s still feeling cramps, but they’re dull and achy now- nothing like the agonizing pains she felt in the ambulance. She tries to open her eyes to see where she is now, but the bright lights make her cringe, and she lets out a small groan.


     Forgetting the pain of the lights her eyes open again, and she turns her head to see her mother sitting in a chair next to the hospital bed she is laying in. There’s relief on her face, but Janel can see that she’s been crying, and it’s almost enough to make her want to cry too.

     “Mommy,” her voice comes out as a small sob as she sits up and lets her mother wrap her arms around her. It hurts to sit, but she doesn’t care as she clings to her mother for dear life in the way she so often did as a child. Words and questions form in her mind, but she can’t bring herself to ask them yet. So they sit in silence for a few moments until sitting becomes too painful, and she lets go and lays back against the pillows.

     “How are you feeling?” her mother asks, fussing and adjusting her pillows and blankets for her. And she’s not sure how to answer at first, because right now this is still too surreal to wrap her mind around.

     “Sore I guess,” she says finally.

     Her mother nods, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed.

     “Sweetheart,” she says, taking Janel’s hand in her own, “Do you know what happened? The doctors said you were confused in the ambulance.”

     Janel nods, but her words are lost. She does know what happened. She remembers waking up in that pool of blood, she remembers screaming in the ambulance and wishing she were dead, thinking she was dying. But if she calls it what it is, she has to admit the full reality of what happened, and she’s not ready to do that in. Her eyes fill with tears, but she tries to sniffle them back.

     “Is it over?” she asks finally, because it’s the only thing she’s ready to ask. And the question brings tears to her mother’s eyes too.

     “Yes sweetie, it’s over. They said it was over by the time you got here.”

     She thinks back to the ambulance, to the pain that seemed to tear her body apart. And she’s knows that that is when it must have happened. When it hit the point of no return. She can pinpoint in her mind the exact moment she transcended the pain, and deep inside she knows that that is the moment her baby, or potential baby she supposes, must have passed.

     Then she remembers hearing Val’s voice when she blacked out, and her heart drops.

     “Mom, did you call Val?”

     Her mother shifts uncomfortably,

     “No,” she says slowly, as if considering her next words, “I wasn’t sure if it was Val or Payson I needed to call.”


     The thought had never crossed her mind. From the moment everything had started she had just wanted Val with her. She had assumed without really thinking about it that he had been the father of the baby she’d lost. Her relationship with Payson seems so long ago, but in reality it hasn’t been very long at all.

     Janel is grateful when a doctor enters the room, because she’s not sure what else to say to her mother at this point. Now there’s no time to worry about Val or Payson, because the doctor is introducing herself and performing an exam and explaining to Janel what happened and what will continue to happen as her body recovers. She tries to listen, but it’s a lot of information to take in at once, and on some level it still doesn’t feel real. So she just hopes that her mother is retaining more of the information than she is, because there’s only so much she can take in.

     “So unless you have any questions,” the doctor says finally, “I’m going to go ahead and get your discharge paperwork started so you can get home and rest.”

     For the first time since the doctor entered the room, Janel speaks up.

     “Do you know, or… is there any way to tell how far along I was?”

     The doctor pauses taking a moment to look over the file in her hands before answering.

     "Based on your blood work I’d say you couldn’t have been more than five weeks pregnant.”

     Janel lets out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding in, thanking the doctor as she leaves to start the paperwork.

     Five weeks ago she and Val had performed their Romeo and Juliet contemporary. There had been something about that night, that dance, that had finally broken down the barrier that had been keeping them apart. He had driven her home that night after the show, and she had invited him inside. That night he had shown her the true meaning of “making love”, a phrase she had always thought cliche before. And without knowing it that love had created something even greater.

     Something that she had just lost.

     Her mind thinks back to the ambulance, and how in her greatest moment of pain she had wished for death to come and end her suffering. And as it sinks in that she will have to call Val and tell them that she just lost the baby they never knew they had, she finds herself wishing once again for the sweet release of death.


Some of my favorite of the pictures I took last night. I still can’t believe I saw them they just don’t know how much they’ve helped me get through all the hard things I’ve been and am still going through It’s still so surreal I’m extremely happy right now


Pairings: Pietro Maximoff & Reader

Warnings: Smut.

Requests:  I LOVE your tying up fics. Could you maybe do one where the reader ties up Pietro? && Can I please request a fic about pietro and the reader in Paris? Like it can be about anything I just think that Paris is such a cute setting. Maybe they go there for a vacation or something? Thanks! 

A/N: I combined the two requests. Hope you guys enjoy! Please send in more requests. My ask is open! 

It was so hard to believe that she was even here at this moment in time. Growing up she had a life plan. Of course nothing ever went according to her plan, and she had to recreate it along the way. She never planned on working as an assassin for hire. It wasn’t during job fair at her local school that she decided on that career. No, she wanted to be a teacher for the longest time. That was what she wanted, but what she got was something else. Looking back, she knew the little girl who wanted to teach was lost and naïve. She had no idea the truth of the world or what she was about to face. While she often was glad she wised up, she missed the innocence she once held. It was impossible to hold anything good or pure once you started taking lives. That was until she met him…

It wasn’t an arranged meeting. It was a meeting by fate and Y/N always hated fate. She hated the element of surprise, unless it was on her side. She liked having all the details and the plan. She had to be in charge of the situation. In her line of work that was nearly critical on survival. She had no time for fate, and yet it seemed like it didn’t matter, because she met him. It was a Tuesday, she remembered that much clearly. It was a mission she was on that she had to have assistance on. Of course she hated the idea of having backup. She didn’t need it, but it was insisted on. The job got more dangerous and they had to keep their agents safe. So they sent in one of the Avengers. She grumbled about it the whole time, but in the end she was glad to have him there. It turned out that maybe somebody knew what they were talking about anyway. If it wasn’t for him, she would have wound up dead.

That didn’t mean she was thankful or that she even liked him. No, all of that took time. It was his sister that she liked from the start. To this day Wanda was still her best friend. At first Wanda made jokes in regards to her feelings, Y/N knew how much Wanda supported her and Pietro. It was still such an odd thing for her to think about. All her life she worked alone and was happier that way. She hated people being in her way, but he wasn’t in her way. They became a team, and she learned that she was far better for having him beside her. It was easier for her to accept him as a partner than it was to accept him romantically though.

“You are quiet,” a voice spoke and she turned her head to see him watching her as his head rested against the pillow. She rolled to her side so she was facing him as she grinned at him. It took her so long to finally let her walls come down, but she was glad that she did. She was glad that he stood there and never gave up, even when she acted like she wanted him to walk away. She knew she was stubborn, but in the end she was better off for just letting him in.

“I’m just thinking.”

“That sounds painful.” He spoke and she just rolled her eyes at his words. She reached over to push his shoulder back slightly and he laughed at his joke as he rolled to his back before turning to still look at her. “What is clouding your mind, Pretty One?” he asked her.

“Honestly? You.” She spoke and he just raised an eyebrow at those words. “I guess it is still so surreal that we are here right now.” She spoke and he just took her hand in his.

“I thought the wedding rings might make it more real.” He said and she just laughed lightly as she pulled her hand back slightly and looked down at the ring on her finger. She was married. In just three years this man had turned her world upside down. He broke past all of her walls and she fell so hard for him. The proposal was such a surprise to her. She never thought about marriage. Well, when she was young she did. That was years ago though, and back when she still thought of being a teacher. It was an old lifetime ago. She knew that being who and what she was, there was no room in her life for marriage. As usual though, Pietro Maximoff had to come crashing through and prove her wrong. She said yes. She wasn’t sure who was more surprised by her words though: him or her.

“No, it does.” She said and he laughed as he sat up in the bed. It was their honeymoon. It was another thing that was so new and astounding to her. She was on a honeymoon. It was Wanda’s idea. She was insistent that they took the trip. Y/N knew from experience that Wanda was not one to easily take no for an answer. Although she had to admit, she was enjoying her honeymoon.

“I hope that is a good thing.” He said and she just sat up. She reached her arm out to touch his face, her thumb running over the stubble on his cheek.

“Of course it is, Pietro.” She said in a soft tone as their lips connected. She felt his hands move up her bare body and she shuddered at his touch. She felt him grin into the kiss and she knew what he was going to do next. It was what he did each time her body reacted to his kiss or his touch. She felt a hand on her hip as his fingers lightly dug into the bare skin. The other hand locked a handful of hair and pulled back gently, causing a light gasp to leave her mouth.

“I do love you.” He spoke in her ear before dropping slightly to place his mouth to her neck. She hissed as he started to kiss her neck, his lips trailing to her collarbone. “I love how responsive you are to my kisses and touch.” He said before biting down on the skin by her collarbone. She whined as his teeth hit her skin. He just chuckled. “I love all those noises your hot little mouth makes.” He said before placing a soft kiss against her mouth. She cried out into his mouth as his hands started to massage her breasts, leaving her breathless.

“I think it is my turn.” She spoke as she pushed him down on the bed. She moved over him as she straddled him, raising her eyebrows. “Sit up some.” She ordered and he just grinned as he complied with her command.

“You’re hot when you are bossing me around, Mrs. Maximoff.” He spoke and she just grinned at his words. She reached into the dresser drawer next to the bed and pulled out the silk scarves that he was always a fan of using against her.

“Now, if my memory serves me correct, it is your turn to be tied down.” She spoke and he just raised an eyebrow.

“Those won’t hold me, Y/N.” he said but she just shook her head slowly.

“If you damage my scarves, France and the rest of this honeymoon will be awfully lonely.” She threatened and he just stared at her with wide eyes.

“You wouldn’t dare” he said and she just slowly nodded her head as she reached up to tie his first hand to the headboard.

“Rip it and find out.” She challenged and he just gave her a look. She grabbed his other hand before tying it to the headboard as well. Now she knew what Pietro meant when he said how good she looked tied down. It was strange, but he managed to look even hotter with his wrists secured with her pink and yellow scarves. She smirked as she felt him pressed against her leg. She ignored it for now, she had a lot of plans for this time. She knew it would probably be awhile before he agreed to let her tie him up again.

She grinned at him as she trailed her fingers along his stomach, taking a moment to just admire his toned body. She loved looking at him shirtless. She was the one who insisted that he slept shirtless at night. He was amused by it, but he complied. She loved waking up to his abs. It was a nice start to even the worst of days. “Are you just going to touch my abs? Do I really need to be restricted for that?” he asked in a cocky tone and she just raised an eyebrow.

“Hush.” She said, but she bent forward to start laying kisses to his neck. “I have extra scarves, and I am not afraid of shoving them in your mouth.”  She said as she nibbled on the skin just like he had done to her thousands of times. She grinned as she heard the hitch in his breath. She took a moment to continue the teasing kisses to his neck before kissing down his bare chest and moving her lips down across his abs. She was glad he was already naked, even though slowly stripping him would have been a lot of fun. She grinned as she reached down and took him in her hand, slowly stroking him.

She grinned as she heard his groan. She climbed off his lap and helped him sit up some before stroking him again. “Mmmm. This looks delicious.” She spoke before taking the tip of him in his mouth, a grin on her face as he started to curse. She took more of him in her mouth, sucking him as his hips bucked up. She saw him tug against his bonds, just as she always did. She had to tie him up more often, it was seriously the sexiest thing she had ever done. She closed her eyes as she took even more of him in her mouth, loving the sounds he made as well as the jerking of his hips as she hummed around him.

“If you don’t stop, I’m going to come.” He said as she nodded before letting go of him and stroking him a few times as she climbed back on him, wiggling her hips against him causing another groan from him.

“What should I do next?” she asked trailing her fingers across his abs. “Maybe we should go sightseeing. We have in been Paris for almost four days and have yet to see anything beyond this room.” She spoke and he just gave her a look.

“The only sight I want to see is you riding me.” He spoke and she just nodded her head.

“I can arrange that.” She spoke before aligning him up and sinking on him, causing her head to roll back as she moaned. “Fuck.” She said as he trusted his hips up, causing a whine from her.

“So ride me then.” He said and she just raised an eyebrow.

“I’m in charge. You don’t get to be bossy. I will shove that scarf in your mouth.” She warned again and he just gave her an amused look. Using his body as a brace, she lifted her hips up before thrusting back down, causing both of them to moan out. She rocked against him, and he met her thrusts. It didn’t take long for her to become a moaning mess rocking on top of him. She bent forward to untie him and he just grinned as he flipped them in just a quick moment.

“Hang on tight, Mrs. Maximoff. This is going to be some ride.” He whispered in her ear before biting down on her neck as he raised her legs up some to give him a better angle. His speed increased, causing her to arch her back and throw her head back as incoherent, desperate pleas rolled off her lips.

“Please.” She whined as she felt him rub her clit, causing her back to arch even more. As soon as he started rubbing the circles, she knew she wouldn’t be able to hang on much longer. Within a few strokes, she was crying out her orgasm and wildly bucking against him. She knew he was close, and as soon as she started to rock against him, he groaned out as his orgasm washed over him.

“Fuck.” He mumbled as he rolled off her, pushing his hair off of his forehead.

“This honeymoon was a good idea.” She spoke after a moment. She was still struggling to catch her breath.

“Even without seeing much of France?” he asked and she just nodded. “We can return one day, I promise to see you see more than the ceiling of this hotel.” He said with a grin before rolling over to kiss her. 

“Well, I make no promises, Husband.” she spoke as she pressed her forehead against his. “Mon Amor, this is the best thing I could ever want. I don’t mean the honeymoon, I just mean being with you.” She spoke and he just hummed before placing a kiss to the top of her head. 

No, this was not the life she imagined for herself. This was something beyond her dreams. She could never have hoped for something as wonderful as Pietro Maximoff. Sometimes fate had a way about working out.